Breaking Addictions

 “I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:1-2 NIV)

Today I felt the suffocation of my addiction and depression meet with an almighty bang. By justifying my addiction to cannabis I am creating a vicious circle of slow tired days that eat into my fullness and loving relationship with God. Not just that, but it keeps me from spending time learning to break free from the lies that Satan has been feeding me for as long as I can remember. Today something in my spirit snapped and I felt the connection between God and I increase in blessing. He will not leave me behind.

After spending most of the day in bed, my mum alerted me to the fact that possibly my tool for escapism (cannabis) was now keeping me from really living. It is a thought that I also had, a truth that I also tried to run from but which I have to now, yet again, face up to. Whatever I am using, be it cocaine, cannabis, binge eating or anger to get me away from me, aligns me into the enemy's ranks and chosen purposes for my life. Instead of believing in my freedom, my life has become a mission just to survive. I have forgotten about the promises God has given me or the love He showers on me when I am lost. I have been using the cannabis as an excuse to not participate fully in my life, so it should be no surprise that I feel I am not living a life that is true to me. I can't be living with sin and partnering with God. The difference between the two lifestyles is enormous and its like always living a lie.

After the conversation with my mum, instead of staying planted to the sofa watching chat shows, I went onto xpmedia.com to get some encouragement for my walk of faith. Two hours later and I feel a certain shift has taken place within my spirit. I have listened to Patricia King minister directly to my heart on walking away from addiction and the people who keep me in it. I then listened to her talk of marriage as I felt that the person who keeps me connected to the past I am trying to run from, is the very man I happen to be in love with. This is not an area I want to talk about now, its too painful and confusing to think, never mind write, that all I can do is offer it up to God and let his will be done. I then listened to clips from various speakers on trauma from childhood and how the enemy can infiltrate us at this point to feed us with lies that act as a way of making us feel worthless whenever we are faced with a similar or threatening situation. It talked about the importance of our true identity in Christ and for the first time in weeks, I cried, really cried as I felt the Lord pour his loving ointment on the many scars that I have been harbouring over the years.

I realise now more than ever that to go after my life in Christ, I have to be willing to lay down the life that I know. The life, for which the most part, has kept me from growing past my feelings of worthlessness. The first step has been made today, but the steps that follow will not be so easy. Just knowing that you are living a life that makes you miserable and actually having the strength and determination to change it are two different things. I run to what comforts me, even though it sabotages my life and those around me. For some reason I stay in the pit that destroys me, rather than focusing on the light and love that has rediscovered me and is trying to bring me back home. A seed of hope was planted today and now I will no longer just sit back and will it to grow, I will step out in faith and ensure it blooms.

Finally, the Lord directed me to a verse today as I cried out in pain to Him. He spoke to me and I have listened:

1 Peter 2:4-12 (NIV)

As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him—you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For in Scripture it says:
   
“See, I lay a stone in Zion,
   a chosen and precious cornerstone,
and the one who trusts in him
   will never be put to shame.”
 Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe,
   “The stone the builders rejected
   has become the cornerstone,”
 and,
   “A stone that causes people to stumble
   and a rock that makes them fall.”
   They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.

 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us. "

Love Always.x

Focus On God Not The Enemy

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12 NIV)

Firstly for some good news (seriously): I have lost 7lb via Weight Watchers in the last two weeks! Finally a shift in the right direction. This is a great motivation for me to continue on and has finally provided an area where the enemy is no longer free to wreak havoc and abuse. My relationship with food has ranged from bulimia to more recently the constant binging but without the sickness. Although I love food, as with most things in my life, I have managed to also use this as a weapon of self sabotage and in recent years have relied on the weekends of drug taking to keep me at an easy slim and desirable weight. However, without the regular break from stuffing myself with food, to filling myself with cocaine, my food abuse spiralled out of control. Finally, I am clawing back some of the control myself and I couldn't be happier!

As for the last week, the story is not so beautiful. The enemy has continued to attack me and I spent another three days in bed, wishing the world would leave me alone. My inability to complete the most basic of tasks, requiring the smallest levels of self discipline have passed me by and my growing frustration is in no way helping my idea to reduce my cannabis intake. The Devil has me right where he wants me, confused, tired and convinced I will not get any better any time soon. Even my several therapists, last week have told me that although I am one of the most self aware and insightful patients they have, I am extremely hard on myself and seem automatically wired to self sabotage. At least its not just me that has picked up on this lack of ability to move forward in my life.

Its a real disappointment that last week was so miserable as Tuesday night I went to a prayer gathering with my spiritual family and felt God work his loving tenderness into my heart again. I talked openly about my struggle with life and my beautiful family prayed for both my boyfriend and I and offered massive words of help and encouragement. Justin prophesied over me about him seeing me having a house of healing, which was like music to my ears as he spoke out the secret desires of my heart and visions with God. I left feeling lighter, brighter and ready to face the enemy. Then as Wednesday morning came, I refused to cooperate with the sunshine’s attempts to get me out of bed. Instead I chose to stay rotting in my own filth, battling with the thoughts that seemed to constantly invade my mind. I finally found the strength to continue reading 'Dancing with Destiny' and allowed myself to remember that the enemy was at work behind all this. If I am well, I am a threat to the kingdom of darkness. If I remain depressed, addicted and unable to motivate myself to grow, then I will never move in the glorious destiny God has promised me and that is what has pushed me to pray harder and longer with the Lord.

Its my habit to speak with God when driving as I feel there are no other distractions (aside from other traffic) to keep me focused on Him. As the weekend approached and the lack of movement outside of my own four walls remained, I began praying more throughout the day. Prayers of thanks and blessing, of requests for strength and motivation and culminating yesterday in me singing at the top of my lungs a song which I made up as I went along, about my intense love for the Father. I also used Patricia Kings 'Decree' booklet in the last two days, along with worship music and faith DVD's when in bed, to drown out the bitter comments that the enemy insists on throwing me. He may refuse to leave, but I will do all in my power to replace the continuous negative commentary on my life, with decrees and lessons about the truth. As God keeps reminding me, the Devil is the Father of lies and has taken up residence within my mind, but it is up to me if I allow him to stay.

I wish I could say this journey is getting easier, that I feel the noose of fear and frustration loosen from around my neck. But this is far from the truth. With each step forward the enemy fights back and threatens to destroy me completely once and for all. But, I do get back up and every time I do I sing my praises to the Lord. The truth is not always easy and it certainly isn't comfortable at first, as with any worthwhile change. However, no matter how dark my days may be, all I need to do when feeling like death is the only way to alleviate my inner pain, is turn to God, unload my mind and offer my thanks. It has not failed to work yet. He is always willing me on, filling me with hope and strength from his eternal spring and keeping me focused, no matter how weak, on the beauty of the life he has blessed me with. There is never a moment where I consider leaving this way of life, this journey, this uncovering of the truth. So the enemy may continue to water the weeds of doubt and fear in me, but the Lord is planting seeds, that as He slowly waters, will spring up in time to reveal the true Rebecca, his dear child in whom a beautiful garden is being grown. Its the seeds that he sows, that keeps me alive. Glory to God.

Love Always.x