Revealing Another's Heart

“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” (Matthew 6:21 KJV)

An amazing thing happens when you hear another’s heart beat through the words they use, the expressions they carry and their hidden body language. For me, the unveiling of another persons heart also means the loosening of my own tight grip on the many hateful thoughts and disguises I hide behind. There are rare moments where glimpses of someone else’s true character resonate with yours and the protective nature and pain you carry is dropped temporarily. Within this realm of connecting, who you are is free to shine and you realise that we are all the same, that our pain is part of living, that our challenges are what make our character, but what makes who we are, is the heart that beats in the silence, the tender knowing that somehow we all know the same truth, understand the same purpose, but don't always know how to show it.

Sometimes, as with me, the disguises I have hid behind for many years take over the person that was originally intended to live in this world. You learn what fits in and what doesn't, who your supposed to be according to the people and often media and society you are in and slowly but surely, the real you slips back behind a carefully built wall of resistance of who you really are. I never forgot about that girl inside of me, her voice cries desperately every day, pleading to be set free, but knowing she is too scared of the vulnerability that this will show, that all she can muster is a quiet reminder that she is not dead. She is hiding and she is terrified of who she is and knows that the alter egos I have created over the years have created too many mazes in my life and mind for her to navigate through. In the end it becomes easier to hide than to reveal and so I carry on pretending that who you see is who is me and I play along with everyone else, who's doing the same. Strange isn’t it, that maybe if we all unveiled our true nature, our world would not be in the state of denial it currently is.

The odd thing with pain  and I feel its all consuming grip on my heart as I write, is that through it, I have been able to connect on a deeper level with people than I think I would have had I not been taken to the depths of my soul. Sometimes grief, denial and bitter pain can connect us with others in the most beautiful and exquisite way. We experience another's heart through the unspoken words, the crystal clear pauses in the conversation where the truth, unintentionally cries out through their eyes and hearts. It pierces my darkness and reminds me of the journey of human life, that beyond what we choose to believe about the world, really does exist,....truth and reality, good and beautiful and most perfectly of all, real, warts and all. I could never think of a good enough reason not to accept or forgive someone, once you have glimpsed what is truly in  them, beyond the mask of behaviours, appearance and language they have used and are practising. Playing dressing up, crying out to be understood. Behind all that, we're really not that different.

Tonight I had a member of the crisis team come to my house and this blog entry is wholly inspired by her. A beautiful droplet on the leaf of life, poised on the terror of finding her own understanding in amidst the understanding she needs to have for other people. The cracks in her armour, allowed me to reveal mine and in doing so, both our souls came out to dance if only for a brief moment. We were pulled out of the expectations of our practised characters and our designated roles in life, to simply bathe in the splendour of each other. I knew when we were talking that a key had unlocked within both of us a hidden doorway, that meant that within this safe place we could be and talk as we, who we truly are, were meant to. I do not know if she felt it as strongly as I did, but I suspect, from the blissful knowing and craving for understanding that her heart sang to mine, that we were both on the same page. I was able to talk openly about my life, my past, my characters, my many flaws and desperate need for help and clarity. She helped to heal me, by letting me in, I felt it, the change in the atmosphere that only truth can make. It was the most inspiring and revealing session I have had with anyone for a long time. I use the word session as she is from the team, but really, it was one of the most exquisite and revealing moments that I have experienced with another being outside of God for as long as I can remember and I am thankful for her walking into my home, my life and my heart.

God has placed this breakdown as a turning point for me and I realise now more than ever, that for me to get through my pain, means I will need to resonate with others who have been where I have been or are on their way. I feel as I write that He is guiding me to the next part of my recovery, the next step on my journey of faith and happiness. I do not yet know what this will mean, I will just remain true and listen for His words and keep my heart open to be aware of the sweet messages (feelings) that he fills me with every day. As for today, it has given me a glimpse into a heart who’s beauty I wanted to pull out and display for the broken character in front of me to revel in and to realise her magnificence and truth. I hope I can do the same for me.

Love Always.x

We Never Were Apart

“He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions” (Psalm 107:20 NKJV)

So many magical and revealing things have been going on in recent days. My mind is starting to clear and although I see that the road ahead has many hurdles, for the first time in my life I feel that I am ready to face them. Faith has deepened my understanding of not just who I am, but is also altering my perspective of the world around me. My past and future seem to have collided and created a golden opportunity to renew myself as I was always intended to be in the eyes of God. I will go into more detail in my next entry, but just for now, I want to share a poem I wrote the other day about my current situation. Hope you enjoy:

I thought you'd deserted me, left me out here alone
I thought you couldn’t hear me, I was a child that you'd disowned
I believed that you existed but you couldn't set me free
I believed you could be visible, but not to a girl like me

For many years I talked to you, for many years I cried
For many years I couldn't fit in, no matter how hard I tried
I talked you every once in a while, sometimes every day
But talking never seemed to help me hear what you would say

I put you on a pedestal, somewhere way up high
I thought I would only meet you, on that day that I would die
I wondered then if I would see the heart I longed to feel
I wondered if the God I thought about, was the real deal

I never thought you talked to me, as much as I did you
I sometimes thought you laughed at, the girl without a clue
It's only now I realise as you open up my heart
That you and I weren’t skies away, we'd never been apart

The storms that raged inside of me, the battle with my soul
You trickled drops of your sweet love, to renew me to my whole
The anger and the fear that cloaked me every day
You parted with a sea of love, to brush the tears away

When I thought the world had turned its back on me for good
You soothed me with a lullaby, of words that understood
When self loathing and harm would rip me up in shreds
Your kisses filled my room with hope as they landed gently on my head

You never left me even though I couldn't always see you there
You never left me, even when I thought you didn't care
You gently and so kindly put your hand upon my heart
You whispered, "sweet child don't you fear,we'll never be apart."

Love Always.x

Review Of 'The Shack'

 “Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” (Ephesians 3:20 NLT)

I am an avid reader. Books are my passion and when surrounded by them I feel strangely safe and at home, cocooned in their ability to lift me from my current reality. My book interests range from fiction, to self help, cooking to camping and in each of them I find new worlds open up to me that captivate me from the first word right through to the final covers. I am a true bookworm, but as I read so many I rarely give myself the opportunity to reflect on the insights gained and the lessons I have learnt about myself and the subject I have been intertwined with. I realise now that this may be a downfall as many of the books I read resonate within me, especially ones where I am forced to look at my own life and assess it in relation to the new knowledge I have soaked up. So, from now on, where possible, I would like to review some of the changes I have noticed are taking place within me when and after the reading of some of these books. Obviously I will not bore you by dissecting my interest in the latest cookbook with its interesting (to me) stories about the origins of its recipes, but I mean more the books that touch my soul. In this respect, I see no better place to start than with the life changing novel: 'The Shack' by WM Paul Young.

The first time this book was passed to me to read was several years ago after my Uncle Michaels funeral. He had spent the last part of his life in a wonderful recovery house with a Christian family who showed Michael what it meant to be loved by not only the Lord, but by others too. Outside of his family, these amazing people, became his closest friends and undoubtedly part of his happiest memories. The funeral they helped to arrange was a testament to the love they felt for him and was one of the first times I really understood the impact of God on peoples lives. I am blessed to have met them and it was here after reading a poem I had wrote for my uncle, that I was told of my gift of writing that God had intended me to use to help people. Looking back now, it was a comment that I thought nothing more of, but in recent months has made absolute sense. The family from this house gave my mum this book called The Shack and she passed it to me, knowing I would devour it in an instant. Strangely though, I was unable to make it past the first quarter of the book.

I don't want to give too much of the plot away, its imperative that you read it yourself so the message from it can reach your heart as it finally has done mine. When I first attempted to read it, I wasn’t in a place to welcome any kind of divine inspiration, no matter how 'non-religious' the book was set out. In fact, that is the very beauty of its words. You are reading something that your heart has always yearned to hear, but I think you have to be ready to hear it. For whatever reason, that was not the time. When Anja then mentioned this book to me a month or so ago, I reordered it online and settled down to read it. I did not realise it was the same book, till a couple of chapters in, but this time there was no hesitation in me to continue to unravel the tale.

The book took me two days to read. I was gripped from cover to cover and in all honesty the beauty of the story is still weaving its way into my heart, even after I closed its covers. It is one of those books that will undoubtedly change your perception on not just God and faith, but life, with all its struggles and successes. In its rare and gripping unfolding, I found myself crying and rejoicing in the very realisation that I am human and that this is possibly the greatest gift of all. My belief systems were rocked to their very core and in them a seed of divine hope was planted and each further word watered it into a blooming plant of unrecognisable strength and glory. You can not finish reading this book, without feeling the purest form of love flit through your system like a radioactive wave, connecting you to life itself and its many wonders. I am still tearful, those deep healing tears that were finally able to be released as the pages were turned.

It is in reflection of this book, of its new perspective, of its undeniable truth that I was able to walk free from some of the prejudices about faith and God that I didn’t even realise I had. I was not prepared for the unveiling of what the truth could look like if I just listened to my inner voice all along. I challenge anybody to read it and not be changed, not be freed from the often unnecessary constraints we put on both our life and our expectations of both ours and others purpose and existence. It is more than words on faith, it is a clearing of the confusion of our often cluttered minds and a way of looking at the world in a more majestic and strangely to me, more realistic way. I urge you to read it, but do not be put off if you are not yet ready to finish its pages, I wasn’t at first. Now, was the perfect time for it to be a part of my life, because the insights have healed what they needed to at this point in my existence. To find out more you can go to http://www.theshackbook.com/, a recommended website that it seems only fair to direct you too.

As I said, I am an avid reader and since reading that, I have already started reading another book, called 'Conversations with God - Book 1'. I am not yet going to review this as found the same issue as I originally encountered with the book above, it is not yet my time to understand the knowledge it has to impart. Whilst proving interesting, I feel that God is opening my mind and understanding in other directions. Its comforting that I am now beginning to recognise Him within me and in light of this, he directed me to another book I recently ordered on my shelf, called 'The Purpose Driven Life.' It is a 40 day journey which aims to help us find Gods purpose for our lives and was recommended by a man I met on my first night at the Alpha course. Maybe this is the right place I need to be to hear the next part of my journey, so I will follow that urge and see where it leads me. My ears now feel clearer than ever and I realise now that God was always communicating with me, I just wasn’t always ready to listen. I think that’s the same for a lot of people. But when it is time, the beautiful; unfolding of both His life and yours opens you up for the journey of a lifetime. I am truly being blessed.

Love Always.x

Let The Healing Begin

 "Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." (Ephesians 3:20 NLT)

The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions, revelations, releasing and an undeniable growth in clarity and focus. I have remained broken but there have been changes that have indicated that this is the place from which I may now rise. I look at my future with absolute uncertainty but with a heartfelt knowing, that this is where the healing can now begin. I have been stripped of my disguises, I have come face to face with the demons of my mind and now God is using this time to bring me out of the darkness I have hid behind for all these years.

Most significantly, the other day over Justin and Rachel's lovely home, I experienced what it was like to be bathed in the Holy Spirit. I was no longer a bystander, deeply wishing to be fully absorbed in the moment, I was well and truly cleansed in glory and light and it was beyond my imagination; the very bliss of being at one with my creator. To someone who does not believe in God, or even someone who is some what dubious of actually experiencing closeness with something many only ever read about, this will sound like a fabrication of reality to you. But I can assure you it was reality, only intensified, how its meant to be, not how we have learnt to perceive it. This surpassed all of my expectations of what it is to be totally present yet totally captivated by something bigger than yourself.  I was in ecstasy, almost painful at first as the anger and confusion seemed to dart out of my body and into the atmosphere, releasing doors that I didn’t even know had closed. God put his key in my heart and unlocked it and I was free, suspended above my pain and fears, clothed in love, bliss and glory. In that moment I accepted who I was and who He was in me and it was my first true taster of living with Him as my focus. Magical and a mystery, but also the most natural state of being I have ever experienced. To live in that place would be beyond my wildest dreams, it is the absolute definition of love.

Since returning from glory, my mind and heart has opened to a new kind of relationship with not only God but who I am as a person and the world around me. Its almost like an awakening, a shaking of the soul that once unlocked, will never return to the darkness I was engulfed in. I am not saying that the pain has disappeared, far from it, I feel it more acutely now than ever before. As my sister said today, for the first time in my life I am admitting how low I really had got and how much my life was suffocating me. Instead of hiding behind work, drugs and other distractions, I am coming to terms with who I am and what has been happening to get me to this point. This is an emotional roller coaster unlike any I have been on before and the speed and unveiling of the pressure points within my soul are being spilled onto the canvas that is my life. It is when they are out of me, painted in their complexities in front of my eyes that I can start to break free from the constraints that not dealing with them, has kept me in.

My sister and I went to see my psychiatrist today, both my usual one and the one from the unit I am currently visiting. They told us that they believe I suffer both with Bipolar and a mood disorder and that there will be many different avenues of support and help that I will need in order to deal with these as best I can. These include new medication, support groups, a psychologist and several other avenues, which I am sure will be tried and tested over the next few months. My sister asked the relevant questions, so that I was able to try and take in their suggestions on improving how I can live my life. To be honest, the most important part of this meeting was knowing that they backed my decision to give up my job, something I will be doing over the next few weeks. I realised now more than ever, that learning to deal with life is the biggest priority and that a job will only further add to my ability to escape from the reality of the changes that are taking place within. I need to focus on fixing the broken girl, not being the person I think people want me to be. I know that faith above all, will ensure that this task is within my reach.

The healing process will undoubtedly be the most harrowing but miraculous journey that I have ever been on, or maybe ever will again. There are many caverns within me that I long since buried, that are starting to resurface, desperately pleading to be unlocked and resolved. This will not be easy, it will likely throw all of my emotions out of me and force me to rethink who I am and why I have decided to hide it for so long. In many ways I am excited about the next few months, maybe even years. What started as my breakdown, now promises to be the creation of the real me and that is all that I feel God wants me to accomplish. To find truth in who I am, so that the truth and beauty of the world can be revealed to me, as He intended it to be before I decided that truth only led to rejection and pain. This unlocking of my heart, this bathing in the Holy Spirit, this breakdown to top all breakdowns, has not in fact been the end, it really is my beginning. Let the healing commence!

Love Always.x

My Rebirth Into Reality

"You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You." (Isaiah 26:3 NKJV)

If I could describe my life right now, I would call it the period of breaking down and removal. The me that has existed thus far on the earth is now being challenged to face up to her true identity and it has been the rockiest ride of my life. I am acutely aware that this is merely the beginning of the road ahead, but at least I am starting to see it is not the end. I am now looking through my own eyes at the reality of where and who I am, what has happened for me to get here and what my future could hold. I am living in a period of revelation, both of my past, present and future and it has taken me a lot of time, pain and changes to get me here. But I have arrived, slap bang in the middle of my rebirth.

I was admitted to the crisis unit on Wednesday and have been attending every day since. I am picked up at 10:30am and leave at 3:30pm. I now also have a member of the crisis team who will be visiting me twice a week, at least for now. This is short term and has happened because the world as I know it, came crashing down around me and I could not cope with the sheer force of my own thoughts and feelings. I now realise that this was a further breakdown to the one I had already been experiencing for the last few months. The pressure of living a life that was not my own, behind a selection of well placed masks and behaviours, has finally hit home. I have been living behind a pane of glass within my mind for as long as I can remember. I learned from very early on, to hate who I was and to pretend it didn’t bother me. The bullying I went through and several other situations in my past have created what the psychiatrist describes as an 'emotionally unstable (also known as borderline) personality disorder' that has eaten away at my confidence, my ability to cope and seemingly the masks I have hid behind. I am thankful that I have such an amazing family who have been able at times, to distract the onslaught of hatred that fills my every waking thought. Today I finally cracked and inside of me a realisation has come: I have tried to be everything that I thought people wanted/needed/expected me to be and I desperately need to be me again. The masks are no longer masking the pain, the hate, the anger because the real me can no longer take the pressure of pretending anymore. I am me, I haven’t been coping for a long time, I am not the other girl I have been pretending to be and I deserve a chance to live a life that is mine.

I feel like I am at the bottom of a mountain, I know that it is going to take a lot of work, a lot of honesty and a lot of delving into the past to unlock the pain so I can have a future. I see now that the way I have lived has been a reflection of the hate I feel for myself and the belief that I am nothing, I am worthless and I am a disgrace to myself and anyone who meets me. The voice that has fed these thoughts now comes from me rather than the bullies of the past and the girl in my head is a force to be reckoned with. She will not go quietly, she will not leave without extreme dedication from the real me to understand why I feel the way I do and to start to challenge those beliefs. I have spent too long silently wishing my life away, crying alone and assessing the level of hate that people feel towards me. I am desperate to break free from the chains I have hung around myself and to really let the truth of my character and soul out to shine.

I went to Spirit School last night with my sister and was immediately greeted by two friendly faces who made me welcome and talked to me of how they believed that this period of my life was about shaking off my past and stepping forward into a brighter future. The one man said he saw me being a great mystic and seer within the spirit realm and my heart leapt as the words resonated within me. The true me understood it and did not hesitate to question its truth. My sister and I then sat against the wall, eyes closed, listening as the heavenly music played and softly in my ear I heard "I have saved you. You are free. You are good enough. I'm healing you." The words my Lord spoke to me, He spoke to my heart and I cried. I cried because I knew they would not be words I would say to myself, because I knew that they were the truth and I was really being saved.

I feel like God is urging me to clear out the caverns and complexities of my mind. I am required to delve deep and release the beliefs, the lies and the pain that I have allowed to rule my every day existence. He is saying that this is what I asked for, that if I persevere, I will get through and my reward will be living true to who I really am. Another lady of God spoke to my sister and I and released the blessing of stability and a peaceful mind over me and as her hand touched my head, I saw a clearing in my path, where the light of my true self was free to shine. She asked that I see the angels that are around me, that the Lord shows them to me and I know in my heart that this revealing is already taking place. I am always protected, I am always safe and He is showing me more and more each day the work that is shaping my character and my life. She also said she could see wings on me and that there was a throne in heaven with my name on it, words that uplifted my soul even higher.

The last entry I made, I wrote a letter pleading with God to help me and initially I was unsure that this was even happening. Being taken into the crisis unit, being forced to face up to the reality of my past and the life I had been living, seemed like a nightmare that would never end. The constant battle of my thoughts and my anger seemed to surround me and corner me and I felt like this was finally the end of my time. In a way it was. This is the end of the lies that attack me every day, the darkness that keeps me terrified of revealing who I am and the confusion that prevents me from trusting my true heart and my true voice. What seems like the ultimate breakdown, God has reminded me is the start of my life, the one He has always planned for me to live. The constraints of the past and the worries of the present and future, are now being challenged so that I can be made new. There is a long road that I must walk upon, there are many demons I have to stare in the face, but His words to me are true: "I have saved you. You are free. You are good enough. I'm healing you." I am ready to face my demons and step out of the past into my bright future. I have been saved, it just wasn’t the way I imagined. This time there is no going back, no hiding, no sedating, no fighting. This time its just me, I have taken off the coat of masks and I stand bare in the face of my destiny. This is my time, my walk, my faith. I am free.

Love Always.x

Letter to God

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’" (Isaiah 41:13 NKJV)

Dear God

Please help me. Please give me the strength to fight another day. I no longer trust my own mind, my own thoughts, my own self. Please guide me to the purpose you have intended for me to live. Somewhere along the way I lost my self and I have no idea how to find her again. I have tried to be positive, to fight this battle, to seek and conquer, but I am exhausted. I do not know how much longer I can take this permanent attack on my mind.

Depression has engulfed me Lord, I am struggling to keep my head above water. For years I have kicked underneath the surface, holding my head high while I battled inside with the thoughts that have slowly eaten away at the hope and happiness of a young girl and now a woman. Lord, I am drowning. The fight that I felt I would never give up on is suffocating me and I honestly don't know how long I can last under this spell of hatred and confusion. I need you more than ever, I need help and I ask of you with all my heart to hear my call.

Who am I? Why do I think the thoughts I do and why do I hate myself so much? Who is the person I am terrified to look at in the mirror and is the real me, still there? Is happiness so elusive or am I choosing the wrong people, places and methods to heal my heart?

This battle feels like it is coming to its end and I am scared that I am losing once and for all. Please Lord, help me to fight this, help me to breath again and to live a life that doesn’t terrify me any more. I do not know where else to turn. Please give me guidance so I can find the strength and hope I need to cope another day.

Love Always.x

Back to the Vices

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 22-24 NIV)

I returned to the vices of my past in a desperate plea to get the old me back for one night. Of course, I forgot how much I had changed. I know I made a stupid mistake and I know that it was selfish and  thoughtless of me to revert back to drugs and drink, but I did it.

Since I last wrote I have had days of polar opposites as with my mind. The Alpha course I attended was good, it was just the first night so we didn’t really go into much detail about God, it was more a 'meet eat and greet' night, which I enjoyed. It did however open my eyes to the varying degrees of faith and belief amongst different people. Just because we believe in God doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with the same ways of worship, but I expected that before I went. All in all it was good to meet people who have chosen to have God in their lives as well. I enjoyed being part of a group and being able to talk openly about my beliefs without worrying I was boring somebody, or preaching to them. I intend to return and hope that I forge more bonds with people over the coming weeks. The more people you can talk with, the easier and more enjoyable the walk can be.

The following day  I woke up feeling very low and had an appointment with my doctor. I explained how I had been feeling lately and that I had spoken to my psychiatrist the day before, who had advised me that unless I was willing to take another form of medication (either an anti-psychotic or have electro convulsive therapy), that he was looking to admit me into a psychiatric ward. To my surprise my doctor also agreed that some time in a 'hospital' would probably do me some good. He had previously worked in one for six months and said it would be ideal for me to get the support I need and just to have a break from everyday stresses so I can focus on getting better. The images I have of being chained down to a bed and force fed medication are apparently wrong and he said that it would just be a temporary place for me to heal. I still don't know how I feel about it, if anything I am terrified. The stigma attached with being admitted to a hospital is on the forefront of my mind, but as my doctor pointed out, if I choose to go in voluntarily, rather than being made (sectioned), then I could come out when I wanted to and it wouldn’t look 'as bad' on my medical record.

I have talked with my family about this and they have made me realise that there is nothing wrong with saying I need more help. My mum pointed out that I was so exhausted with this battle, that it may be nice for me to just focus on the healing part, rather than worrying about the house, basic tasks etc. If I go in voluntarily then I can choose when I leave, so if I really didn't like it, I could go back home. I'm still in two minds about what to do and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, which my mum is also coming to. I need to find out more about my options, but I know myself that I am not coping with life at all and I just want to get better. Most days I feel like I am losing my sanity, my mind plays tricks on me and bombards me with thoughts and ideas that I just can't keep up with. I feel like an overloaded donkey, more and more baggage piling on the top and I'm getting lower and lower, till I completely buckle under the weight of my own thought processes. I can't keep relying on my family to be there, even though they assure me they don't mind. I am twenty six, I want to be better and it's embarrassing having to be treated like a child again because I can't cope.

When I reflect on my past the pattern of my disorder started in school, when I hit the low and was off school for several months dealing with my breakdown. I then went into a manic phase making friends quickly, partying and loving life. I then hit another low, came off school and couldn't handle the viciousness of my own mind. This carried on into my working life, on a high I would get a job and be amazing at it, over exceeding sales targets and living the good life. My crash would then come and I would have to leave the job, wondering why I could never hold a normal life down. When my diagnosis came last year, it was a huge relief to know there was a reason that the previous ten years had played out as they did. However, I feel no better now than I did then. Now, I am on one of the strongest drugs on the market to deal with my disorder and I am still at risk of leaving my job and have already lost the life I was living. I can not keep doing this for the rest of my life, I really am too exhausted, it has to stop. So.....if I choose to go into the hospital, as I would do if I had a physical disability that I needed help with (my mum kindly pointed this out), then I am doing it as a last chance saloon. It would be me, saying I have tried everything and I am still broken and now I need the most help so I can start to fix myself. It would also mean, I am likely to give up work and choose instead, to focus on my full recovery. To say to life, that I want to be in control. So it may seem like I am taking steps back, but in the future it may well be the biggest leap of faith I chose to accept. I hope so. The rest of that day I spent about six hours reading the bible and writing the verses that resonated in me. I chose to focus instead on the glory that the Lord was showing me and it worked to calm me down and find stability in what I think is the decision that could change my life forever.

As for the vices, drink and cocaine entered my system again this weekend for the first time in months. I am being honest and I know that means a lot of people will think I'm weak and that I've let myself down but it was a choice I made and I wanted to do it, regardless of what anyone thought. For one night, I wanted the old me back, the one without the endless days of worry and self assessment, the one with crazy nights and a touch of fun and sedation that I haven’t experienced for nearly six months. I wanted to escape from me for one night and remember what I was like before the breakdown that crushed me.

It was a good night. I was surprised how easy it was for me to just get back in the swing of things but then the Devil was out in full force, encouraging me, loving me, the old me. After the first few drinks and lines I went out into the local bars and remembered how much I missed them, their smell, their freedom, their fun. I had decided honesty was the best policy and when my mum rang me and asked if I had done anything I was honest with her. This went down like a lead balloon and I experienced the massive pangs of guilt that I hadn't really felt on previous sessions. This was the first part of me that realised that I had changed. The rest of the night ended in drinks and drugs back at mine then exhausted into bed. I have been suffering with the effects of the hangover/comedown ever since. That’s the other part I forgot I hated. In brutal honesty, yes, I enjoyed being care free, young, drunk and partying again. After all, this was my life for as long as I can remember. I thought the me that I had been for all those years had completely gone and I'd never relive the exhilarating highs that I was used to. I needed to be her for one more night.

Do I feel better for having had that night? Not really, the wasted days recovering and the incessant guilt voice in my head have not exactly been great company. But beyond that, I am learning that the girl I was, wasn’t the happier girl, she was just the girl who blocked things out. I was still me that night, I just drunk it away and focused on partying and escapism rather than real life. I'm not addicted to the drugs and drink anymore and I'm not sure if I ever really was. I was just addicted to the peace they gave me from myself and the life they allowed me to carry on living even though I was desperate to escape. That one night made me see the beauty of the life I have started to live and the pain that I am trying to learn to live without. God has given me a greater purpose than to just get through another day and that’s what I realised. That old me lived for the night, this me lives for the present and the future. I have changed, even if you may think by taking them I haven’t. I really have. I have no desire to go out and do it again, although that day I am sure will come around. All I know is, the drugs and drink haven’t changed, but the person they were covering, finally has. I'm not that girl anymore and as much as it hurts to wave her goodbye, I know its because the real me is starting to emerge.

Love Always.x