My Faith Will See Me Through

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12 NIV)

The last few weeks have been a blur of anger, confusion, desperation and the plummeting feeling of deep depression that I have become so accustomed to over the years. The break up of my relationship with Nathan is still hanging on, barely, as we attempt to rekindle the flame of love that once burned so strongly between us. My inability to adapt to change has reared its predictable head again and I have been unable to function, both mentally and physically. I have felt the deep seated pain and fear cover me each morning as I wake, and no amount of thinking/smoking/t.v watching will ease its iron grip.

At times like this it would be easy for me to return to the life I once pretended to be living. Before opening Pandora’s Box and delving into the inner complexities of my mind. Before having to come to terms with the mental illness I have. Before when I used drugs and drink as a way of medicating myself enough to be able to deal with life. The promises of sedation, fun, carelessness, all the lovely attributes that come with a life of drug addiction and self destruction, are looming ever closer over my current life. Could I go back? Could I be the party animal again, lost in a sea of escapism, not allowing myself to feel the full force of my emotions? Well, fortunately not. I am no longer that girl and she is no longer me. The party scene no longer offers the same delights I once desperately sought. I don't want to disappear again, to lose sense of who I am and to turn my back on the journey I have started upon. No, I still choose faith, I still choose God and I still choose life. Barely, but I am still here.

Even my focus on God has been somewhat diluted over the past few weeks. I can not get my mind to concentrate on reading, neither can I find the enthusiasm or patience to listen to worship music or learn further insights from my many DVD's and online resources. No, all I have been able to muster up in the past few weeks is my ability to pray. I do this at all times of the day and this mainly consists of me talking to God and apologising for my apparent lack of focus. He does not make me feel that I have failed him, rather the opposite in fact. Whilst I am unable to function in this world, He gently reminds me that timing is of the essence and that these challenges are here to be overcome. They would not be here if I could not handle them and when I have finished speaking with Him, I am always then sweetly surprised to discover He has somehow let rivers of his loving kindness flow through my being and for a short while I am suspended in his sweetness. I wish I could stay in this atmosphere all day, but my mind is quick, vicious and impatient. It would rather think about things of the world than things of God. No matter how hard I attempt to return my focus to my faith, I am bombarded with the millions of worries that the world seems to provide.

Last night whilst praying I asked God if I was like the seed that fell amongst the thorns. That I had let the world become my focus and could not keep onto my faith. I assured him I wanted to be the seed that continued to grow with love and passion for Him and asked Him to invade my heart with deep passion for only Him once again. I know I am prepared to lay down my life for Jesus but in all honesty its not as easy as it sounds. We live in this world, and my brain functions in a way that over analyses everything. Meaning the simplest things can cause me great confusion and lead me off on a wayward path. I am going to put this down to experience, whatever destiny God has planned for me must be making use of these seemingly never ending potholes of distress. I have never once considered however, completely removing God from my life. People may say how if I have Him and am still unhappy then what is the point. But, I am wise enough to know, that when there is light, joy, love, He is behind it all. He allows me to continue to make mistakes and learn, to get back up when I feel I have nothing else to offer and above all He loves me in a way that is near impossible to describe. It is like the love of my family but beyond that, it is a love sprinkled with a deep understanding of who I really am and its been the key factor in helping me to continue on this journey of self discovery.

I am often worried I am disappointing Him, but when I pray if He feels this is so, He certainly doesn’t let on to me. Instead I am welcomed back, kissed on the head and comforted as I cry out searching for answers that I know He is leading me to find. I have never doubted since God first came into my life, His power to completely transform me but I also didn’t know that the road would be paved with so much of my souls darkness, waiting for a light to be shone on it. I would never have made it this far had He not found me when He did and I also will not make it any further if I lose that truth amongst the worries of the world. I still want to live from heaven downwards, to be part of the realm of truth and to be proud to let my light shine for all to see. We are not there yet, the depression is resisting my attempts at renewal, but I will not be beat. I know God sees me for me and He loves me just as I am. Just because I can't yet see the beauty he assures me is mine, does not mean it does not exist. I trust him with my life and that’s why, even though the road is getting rockier again, and another tunnel downwards beckons me to come in, I arise and shine each day, for even though I do not see it yet, I am doing exactly what the One who created me intended for me to do. That’s where my strength is and that is where my life is. Not in the riddles and games of the world we live in, but in the truth and light of his love and my soul. I will never stop searching and I know He will always ensure that when the time is right, I will be found.

Love Always.x