Cocaine Is Back

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I am nothing if not annoyingly predictable. Oh yes, Mrs Faith and Happiness has decided to take a blast from the past in the form of a cocaine addiction and place it right in the path of my future. I am currently one month into the relapse and until my prayer session with Jane and Justin yesterday, had resided to the fact that I was unfortunately just one of those people who will never be freed from drugs. Why oh why have I decided to completely ruin everything yet again? You would think the memories of my last relapse would be enough to ensure I would never go back down that route again, but no, instead in my manic episode I decided to throw caution to the wind and embark on what has now become my mission for survival.

I have used approximately 9 times in the last month, 5 of which were achieved in a period of 7 days. So no I haven’t gone back into this lightly, I am yet again a fully fledged member of the drug club. This means I have disappointed my family and friends, worn out my boyfriend, disobeyed my Lord and generally ruined the small glimmer of hope I once saw as my future. Feel free to accuse me of being over dramatic but I cant explain in words how much of a major problem this is. I am not a do anything by half’s girl, I am THE committed to the cause, don’t stop till I drop, manic idiot that doesn’t like to accept no as an answer and refuses to cooperate with her boyfriends pleas of stopping 24 hours after the first line has been sniffed. Yes that’s me. Idiot woman.

This past month has been a wholly unwelcomed blast from my past. I have now been confronted with what used to be my previous life, nights of oblivion and days trying to piece together the fried out parts of my brain. Nights in terror as paranoia makes its unwelcome entrance and my thoughts turns to evil representations of what my life has in store for the future. I am gripped by all the too knowing pain of my existence and its fragility in surviving yet another relapse into this all absorbing addiction. Cocaine to me is the devils powder incarnate, a gripping tale of once upon a time where there is no magic wishes and no happy endings. All it does is steal and destroy, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Devil himself was a frequent user. In essence, there is no good that has come or can come from living a life in permanent denial of your reality. I can't cope under the urges of the addiction against the truth that is desperate to flow through me and into what was once an emerging life force.

Can I now stay off it? Turn up my nose (no pun intended) and walk away from the horror that it guarantees me. Sadly, only time can be the judge of that. Yes, it is a choice and the choice ultimately comes from me, but within that choice lies willpower and the belief that life is worth living without it and in my current frame of mind, this simply isn’t the case. I am back here in addicts lane again, waiting for a miracle to save me and to save me soon. This cant be my life, its seems cruel and unfair for me to have gone through so much healing to get back here again.

The only good thing that has come out of all this is my realisation that even in the darkest moments and they have been dark; God is still there fighting for my survival. As I lay my head on the pillow, room spinning, nose destroyed, God blessed me with an open heaven visitation clearer than any I have had before. He began to download revelations about life, the world and my position in it. He comforted me when paranoia and sleepless nights threatened to send me into a psychotic episode and he lulled me to sleep with his beautiful lullaby as kisses were planted on my head. I saw Jesus place a wing of feathers over me and another over my boyfriend and heard him say that it was by working together we could fly. The visitation lasted for several hours and when I questioned God as to why I could hear His voice clearer now than before, He simply replied that now I was ready and quiet enough to listen! I depended on Him for each and every thought, every answer, every help and comfort that I needed and he provided more than adequately. Now I am not going to recommend that to hear his voice you go and and punish drugs in the way I have, but it does seem worth remembering that sometimes we have to get to desperation to really be ready to hear His soothing and beautiful voice.

So its a tale of two lives yet again. The one I am living and the one I want to be. My mission now is to get back to where my Lord wants me, in his arms, in his care once again. So as I have done so many times before, all I can do is get down on my knees and pray, " Lord, please free me of this addiction and return me to your destiny for me once again. Amen." I know He will be listening.

Love Always.x

The Face Of Jesus

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16 )

I think its safe to say my manic episode of the past six weeks has officially left the building. In place of productivity and unknown but frequent spikes of happiness, I am welcomed back into the gloomy arms of depression. It seems happy to have me back. In the past six weeks I successfully managed to spend over £1000 (remember I do not have a job at present) and have been going here there and everywhere with an air of happiness and manic delight. This too has had its down points, aside from the obvious spending implications, I am much more difficult to deal with when manic. The positive side is that this time the episode lasted long enough for me to be able to really assess how different the swings in my mood really are and believe me when I tell you they are vast. I am now crawling back under the covers as I prepare to deal with the onslaught of vile attacks on my mind, productivity and general sense of well-being. I should be used to this by now, but it still saddens me every time I get that familiar feeling of falling off the edge of a large cliff into the life I will now be struggling to live over the following few weeks.

My faith has ensured my conversations to God are daily, even though it may just be to offer up my thanks for continuing to keep me alive even when I see no real use in this survival. I still sing and dance for Him in the privacy of my own home and I have decided to get back to reading some new books (over twenty that I ordered to be exact) about growing in my faith and connectivity with Him. Even in the manic state I was in I was still aware of His ever increasing presence in my life and the other night I experienced a truly beautiful moment when I allowed myself to focus on the face of Jesus. This was an unbelievable moment for me, a face that has been depicted by so many different artists appeared to me as completely different to those images I have ever seen before. His hair was darker, ruffled around His face, his nose a prominent feature but not nearly as enchanting as his gaze. Eyes that changed colour and intensity the longer I gazed at Him, made this a particularly breathless moment for me. He is beautiful, but even that word does him no justice. He is beyond our human understanding of beauty, its something you can only feel rather than describe. Since this night I see Him much more frequently, especially those deep eyes that stare into the very depths of my darkened soul. I am in love with this man with every ounce of my being and it delights me to revel in this fact.

My mental health aside, new lessons about life and love, faith and spirituality, are being revealed every day. The journey seems to have picked up a pace, though the lessons are more comprehensive for me to get my head around. I seem to be finding the charms of life that God has left me in different areas ranging from my mind, to anger, to other people and to the world. He is changing me truly from the inside out and this experience in itself justifies the born again theory in my mind. For I am being renewed daily and it is his wisdom and strength that allow this to be so. In summary, my God is still here, still watching and waiting and supporting me along the way. I'm still here to write another day and in the life I have led, that is achievement in itself!

Love Always.x

The Fruits Of My Journey

“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” ” (John 8:12 NIV)

Its coming up to nearly a year since I first started writing this, since I first starting walking the path of a life lived before God. I'm not going to do my big end of year speech yet as am hoping to print off the previous entries and read them to get some perspective on exactly what the last twelve months journey into the glory realm has really been like for me. Undoubtedly I have changed. This last year as well as being the year I awoke to the truth has also been the hardest year regarding my mental health and getting the right care provided for me to deal with it. I am now in the fortunate situation that means I now not only have a fantastic family (both natural and spiritual), but I also have a deep sense of faith and a highly able mental health team. So this year, in whatever way has made sufficient progress from the previous twenty five.

One thing I do want to talk about is the real me. The me that I had forgotten existed, who is now, albeit slowly, starting to come out from underneath my protective shell and is starting to embrace the world again. My inspiration and creativity levels are through the roof and for the first time in my life I am starting to figure out what Rebecca wants, instead of what I think the rest of the world wants from me. Things as simple as picking which food I like, what programme I watch, what beauty products I use and how I decorate my home. These were all alien to me before this last year as the real me was so far inside, that my purchases/choices/lifestyle was lived more for other peoples benefit than my own. Recognising I have my own unique personality and tastes has been a massive and welcomed surprise. Before, making any decision based on personal choice, even as simple as picking which clothes to buy, would be a major stressful period. It was often like dressing/feeding/entertaining a plastic doll. I was unsure of the true identity of the girl I was trying to be, so would flail around endlessly trying to connect the dots of my soul wherever I could. In the end, I guess I just gave up and that’s when the mother of all breakdowns came and saved, yes that’s right, saved my life.

Having the worst manic and depressive episodes of my bipolar disorder has meant that whether I liked it or not, things had to change. I could no longer  go on living as if I was invincible, snorting and downing whatever substances I came into contact with. My lack of love for myself also showed in my mismanagement of my finances, my unstable relationship with people/food/talking about myself. My oh so well practiced character of party girl who didn’t care for anything serious got tested and showed up for what it really was....... a protection against a world I was terrified to find myself living in. Its taken eleven months and a lot of new medication, many prayer sessions and a lot of crying to God, but I am getting there. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a foundation of truth on which to build. The rest of the journey will I imagine, continue to test everything that I thought I knew and find the ways of applying my real character to each fresh new challenge.

The biggest difference of all is that I am learning to be who I am meant to be in a world that screams at you to be anything but. I now have a real understanding that we are all interconnected and my actions will inevitably have a knock-on effect to other people. This thought alone, has been enough to make some much needed changes. All in all the journey has been the best bit, the learning, failing, relearning and accomplishing. Meeting so many new and amazing people, getting closer to my family and somehow out of extreme darkness and pain, finding a light that continues to shine even when I can't see it. Now that's progress!

Love Always.x