No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
I am nothing if not annoyingly predictable. Oh yes, Mrs Faith and Happiness has decided to take a blast from the past in the form of a cocaine addiction and place it right in the path of my future. I am currently one month into the relapse and until my prayer session with Jane and Justin yesterday, had resided to the fact that I was unfortunately just one of those people who will never be freed from drugs. Why oh why have I decided to completely ruin everything yet again? You would think the memories of my last relapse would be enough to ensure I would never go back down that route again, but no, instead in my manic episode I decided to throw caution to the wind and embark on what has now become my mission for survival.
I have used approximately 9 times in the last month, 5 of which were achieved in a period of 7 days. So no I haven’t gone back into this lightly, I am yet again a fully fledged member of the drug club. This means I have disappointed my family and friends, worn out my boyfriend, disobeyed my Lord and generally ruined the small glimmer of hope I once saw as my future. Feel free to accuse me of being over dramatic but I cant explain in words how much of a major problem this is. I am not a do anything by half’s girl, I am THE committed to the cause, don’t stop till I drop, manic idiot that doesn’t like to accept no as an answer and refuses to cooperate with her boyfriends pleas of stopping 24 hours after the first line has been sniffed. Yes that’s me. Idiot woman.
This past month has been a wholly unwelcomed blast from my past. I have now been confronted with what used to be my previous life, nights of oblivion and days trying to piece together the fried out parts of my brain. Nights in terror as paranoia makes its unwelcome entrance and my thoughts turns to evil representations of what my life has in store for the future. I am gripped by all the too knowing pain of my existence and its fragility in surviving yet another relapse into this all absorbing addiction. Cocaine to me is the devils powder incarnate, a gripping tale of once upon a time where there is no magic wishes and no happy endings. All it does is steal and destroy, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Devil himself was a frequent user. In essence, there is no good that has come or can come from living a life in permanent denial of your reality. I can't cope under the urges of the addiction against the truth that is desperate to flow through me and into what was once an emerging life force.
Can I now stay off it? Turn up my nose (no pun intended) and walk away from the horror that it guarantees me. Sadly, only time can be the judge of that. Yes, it is a choice and the choice ultimately comes from me, but within that choice lies willpower and the belief that life is worth living without it and in my current frame of mind, this simply isn’t the case. I am back here in addicts lane again, waiting for a miracle to save me and to save me soon. This cant be my life, its seems cruel and unfair for me to have gone through so much healing to get back here again.
The only good thing that has come out of all this is my realisation that even in the darkest moments and they have been dark; God is still there fighting for my survival. As I lay my head on the pillow, room spinning, nose destroyed, God blessed me with an open heaven visitation clearer than any I have had before. He began to download revelations about life, the world and my position in it. He comforted me when paranoia and sleepless nights threatened to send me into a psychotic episode and he lulled me to sleep with his beautiful lullaby as kisses were planted on my head. I saw Jesus place a wing of feathers over me and another over my boyfriend and heard him say that it was by working together we could fly. The visitation lasted for several hours and when I questioned God as to why I could hear His voice clearer now than before, He simply replied that now I was ready and quiet enough to listen! I depended on Him for each and every thought, every answer, every help and comfort that I needed and he provided more than adequately. Now I am not going to recommend that to hear his voice you go and and punish drugs in the way I have, but it does seem worth remembering that sometimes we have to get to desperation to really be ready to hear His soothing and beautiful voice.
So its a tale of two lives yet again. The one I am living and the one I want to be. My mission now is to get back to where my Lord wants me, in his arms, in his care once again. So as I have done so many times before, all I can do is get down on my knees and pray, " Lord, please free me of this addiction and return me to your destiny for me once again. Amen." I know He will be listening.
Love Always.x
No comments:
Post a Comment