Deliverance From Evil

 "To open the blind eyes, to bring out the prisoners from the prison, and them that sit in darkness out of the prison house." (Isaiah 42:7 KJV)

Today I had my second deliverance. Similar to the first one I had just over a week ago with my two amazing spiritual family members. This time, I really felt like something huge has shifted within me. If I just explain a little...... a few weeks ago I text Justin (companyofburninghearts) and asked if he would mind praying for me as I was experiencing the usual effects of full blown depression and this time decided I would reach out for help. As you can see from my last entry, I was going through a particularly difficult time and knew that I needed some more assistance to beat the demons that are so insistent upon controlling my life. His response was to bring Jane (amazing woman and seer into the spiritual realm) and himself over my house and actually pray with me. Now, usually I wouldn't agree to something like this as I knew I would have to delve into areas of my past and parts of me that were wrapped up in fear and pain. But, I knew I was in good hands and decided to let this prayer session go ahead. What has happened over the last two sessions that they have been here has been nothing short of a miracle!

The first session we went back into my past to deal with issues that were still affecting me and we declared that the spirit of death and depression that was attached to me, would leave me alone. As both Jane and Justin prayed with me, my body began to twist and out of me, an unknown language began to hiss and yell. I was burning up and sweat was pouring from me as I felt the twisting of extreme resistance within me begin to lose its grip. I to this day have no idea what language or words I was speaking, nor do I completely understand what exactly happened to me. All I do know is, when they left I felt a sense of peace that has been absent for such a long time, I forgot I was even capable of reaching such a level of calm.

They both arrived again today to pray into more of the issues affecting my self image and my past. Today my vision into the spirit realm opened up and I began to sail away in a world that made complete sense to me. In the midst of them pulling out the demonic from within me, I was catapulted into a heavenly realm and I laughed as I saw Jesus holding me and  for the first time in my life saw a glimpse of the true deep love He has for me, His lost sheep. This time, my voice became hoarse and I almost barked at Jane and Justin as they spoke words of peace over my life. I had been involved in witchcraft when I was younger and this seemed to have had more of an effect on me than I had ever bargained for. My body again began to twist and I yelled out as I felt from within me, something being pulled out of my throat. My head shot backwards and all I could do was lie there as from within me, it felt God was uprooting a tree of evil that had kept me from growing, from speaking, from living, and He pulled it out of my mouth and threw it aside. This demon did not want to leave and I felt again the resistance to its moving as each lock it had chained me in was finally being undone. To be honest, I am very open minded, but even I was amazed at the way in which these demons were conquered. It was like being in an audition for the exorcist, only funny until you realise that they do actually exist and they were actively choking the life out of me. As I became freed from the chains of my past, lies, pain, hate and fear, it seemed like a massive weight had been taken from me and I relaxed into the seat of peace that Justin told me was mine in Jesus. They had seen in the spirit that this demon had stopped me being able to speak the truth over matters that were affecting me and instead had kept them hidden inside of me, rotting any sense of self or happiness, from the inside out. This time my heart, mind and voice became united as my freedom was reinstated.

I can't fully explain to you the feelings I have now concerning these deliverances. I am still somewhat in shock, still absorbing the beauty of the words Justin and Jane spoke over my life, of me being able to change the atmosphere with my words and me being strongly prophetic which is why the demons wanted me to be locked to them. The love of not just my Lord, but also my spiritual family continues to refresh and amaze me. I am finally walking in the path of peace and today is a new day for me. I have been released into life again. Now I just have to keep up the faith, look forwards and remember that above all, it is love from the Father, who will bring me back home again. Amen.

Love Always.x

My Faith Will See Me Through

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12 NIV)

The last few weeks have been a blur of anger, confusion, desperation and the plummeting feeling of deep depression that I have become so accustomed to over the years. The break up of my relationship with Nathan is still hanging on, barely, as we attempt to rekindle the flame of love that once burned so strongly between us. My inability to adapt to change has reared its predictable head again and I have been unable to function, both mentally and physically. I have felt the deep seated pain and fear cover me each morning as I wake, and no amount of thinking/smoking/t.v watching will ease its iron grip.

At times like this it would be easy for me to return to the life I once pretended to be living. Before opening Pandora’s Box and delving into the inner complexities of my mind. Before having to come to terms with the mental illness I have. Before when I used drugs and drink as a way of medicating myself enough to be able to deal with life. The promises of sedation, fun, carelessness, all the lovely attributes that come with a life of drug addiction and self destruction, are looming ever closer over my current life. Could I go back? Could I be the party animal again, lost in a sea of escapism, not allowing myself to feel the full force of my emotions? Well, fortunately not. I am no longer that girl and she is no longer me. The party scene no longer offers the same delights I once desperately sought. I don't want to disappear again, to lose sense of who I am and to turn my back on the journey I have started upon. No, I still choose faith, I still choose God and I still choose life. Barely, but I am still here.

Even my focus on God has been somewhat diluted over the past few weeks. I can not get my mind to concentrate on reading, neither can I find the enthusiasm or patience to listen to worship music or learn further insights from my many DVD's and online resources. No, all I have been able to muster up in the past few weeks is my ability to pray. I do this at all times of the day and this mainly consists of me talking to God and apologising for my apparent lack of focus. He does not make me feel that I have failed him, rather the opposite in fact. Whilst I am unable to function in this world, He gently reminds me that timing is of the essence and that these challenges are here to be overcome. They would not be here if I could not handle them and when I have finished speaking with Him, I am always then sweetly surprised to discover He has somehow let rivers of his loving kindness flow through my being and for a short while I am suspended in his sweetness. I wish I could stay in this atmosphere all day, but my mind is quick, vicious and impatient. It would rather think about things of the world than things of God. No matter how hard I attempt to return my focus to my faith, I am bombarded with the millions of worries that the world seems to provide.

Last night whilst praying I asked God if I was like the seed that fell amongst the thorns. That I had let the world become my focus and could not keep onto my faith. I assured him I wanted to be the seed that continued to grow with love and passion for Him and asked Him to invade my heart with deep passion for only Him once again. I know I am prepared to lay down my life for Jesus but in all honesty its not as easy as it sounds. We live in this world, and my brain functions in a way that over analyses everything. Meaning the simplest things can cause me great confusion and lead me off on a wayward path. I am going to put this down to experience, whatever destiny God has planned for me must be making use of these seemingly never ending potholes of distress. I have never once considered however, completely removing God from my life. People may say how if I have Him and am still unhappy then what is the point. But, I am wise enough to know, that when there is light, joy, love, He is behind it all. He allows me to continue to make mistakes and learn, to get back up when I feel I have nothing else to offer and above all He loves me in a way that is near impossible to describe. It is like the love of my family but beyond that, it is a love sprinkled with a deep understanding of who I really am and its been the key factor in helping me to continue on this journey of self discovery.

I am often worried I am disappointing Him, but when I pray if He feels this is so, He certainly doesn’t let on to me. Instead I am welcomed back, kissed on the head and comforted as I cry out searching for answers that I know He is leading me to find. I have never doubted since God first came into my life, His power to completely transform me but I also didn’t know that the road would be paved with so much of my souls darkness, waiting for a light to be shone on it. I would never have made it this far had He not found me when He did and I also will not make it any further if I lose that truth amongst the worries of the world. I still want to live from heaven downwards, to be part of the realm of truth and to be proud to let my light shine for all to see. We are not there yet, the depression is resisting my attempts at renewal, but I will not be beat. I know God sees me for me and He loves me just as I am. Just because I can't yet see the beauty he assures me is mine, does not mean it does not exist. I trust him with my life and that’s why, even though the road is getting rockier again, and another tunnel downwards beckons me to come in, I arise and shine each day, for even though I do not see it yet, I am doing exactly what the One who created me intended for me to do. That’s where my strength is and that is where my life is. Not in the riddles and games of the world we live in, but in the truth and light of his love and my soul. I will never stop searching and I know He will always ensure that when the time is right, I will be found.

Love Always.x

Finding Me Again

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
(Psalm 34:18 NASB)

I wonder where I can really begin to describe the last few weeks of my life. I only wish I had had the determination to come on here and record it as events were happening, but life seemed almost too much to even think about, never mind penning into words. I guess you could say I have been experiencing breakthroughs that I have been waiting for so many years to finally happen. My mental health team put this down not only to my continuing sessions with them but also to the fact that my faith seems to be helping me immensely. I know this, I know that the true reason I am finally starting to find out who the real me is, is because God has been working miracles in both my mind and my spirit. He has carefully selected his timing, the people, the events that have caused April to be the most memorable month yet.

One of the first signs of a real change came to me as I viewed pictures of me as a little girl whilst preparing a scrapbook album with my sister for my Dads 50th birthday. As I looked at this young, free, smiling, innocent girl, I felt my heart call out and remember who she was, who she still is. I have viewed these photos many times over the years but have never been able to connect or even recognise the girl in the pictures. Now I saw her as if for the first time, as if I'd stumbled across a mineshaft and shone a torch down to find a little girl with my own reflection staring back at me, pleading to be freed. To be given a chance to live, to follow a path that is based on her happiness, not on the approval of others and who desperately wanted me to trust that she was more than able to deal with life and in fact was now connected to me, in a way that is too beautiful yet painful to explain. For so many years, I hid her behind a wall of masks, abuse, addiction, obsession and anything else I could. I thought all those years ago that by hiding her, I was somehow able to protect her, not have her feel the real true extent of the pain the outside world offered and the inner world that turned into torment and disgust. But in doing so, that little girl never had a chance to find her voice, to believe in her dreams and go for them, to know when to leave and when to stay in relationships with friends and partners. For years she had been knocking on the door of my heart and I used every method I could to drown out the cries that bellowed from within me. I couldn’t remember her, its almost like after approximately 6 or 7, I disappeared altogether and the girl I thought I needed to be came out and never left. This time though, now I recognise her, I remember her hopes to help people she loved, her passion for reading, writing, travel and nature. In one flash I had become reunited with the real me and to this day, I have not once heard her quieten down and return to her hiding hole. Her and I, Me and her, us, we are one again and all because God refused to let me continue on the path that was not my true destiny. Glory to God!

Since then, my real voice has been a welcome but strange new sensation to be living with. I am beginning to see the truth in all around me as well as within me. I am learning not all thoughts are truth and that many of mine have been anything but that. I am slowly re-emerging as the woman God intended me to be, before all the pain and the need for escape was allowed to enter my life. Its almost like he kept me preserved, knowing that one day I would be ready to come out of the closet of safety and back into the outstretched arms of His love and His world once again. He has now released me to be who I truly am meant to be and the journey of faith has once again changed my life beyond recognition. It is nothing short of a miracle, His ability to let me find myself again and this time to have the confidence and support to not hide her away. Oh, how the lover of the Lord is benefited with great and ever generous blessings.

With the real me back in the picture, I have started to notice areas of my life and habits I have that are no longer as bearable as they were before my inner awakening began. The relationship I was in has now ended, though we are still attempting contact and dates as a way to assess if the trust he completely destroyed, can now be rebuilt and the passion I had for our future can be rekindled. I remain open minded but it scares me that for the first time in my life I can actually hear my voice and it seems to be violently screaming no, whenever I think about whether I wish to return as his girlfriend. Out of respect for him I will not go into the gory details of our relationship except to say that he is a compulsive liar and has spent the last two years telling me exactly what I wanted to hear, only to then never follow through on any of it. He is still addicted to cocaine and has continued to use the drug and deal it from my house, even when I have begged him not to. He has on several occasions waited for me to go to bed so he can sniff to his hearts delight whilst watching pornographic material either in bed next to me as I slept or on the computer or TV in the lounge. This I assure you is just the tip of the iceberg. I am in no doubt that I love this man and that he loves me, but have I been happy with the life we have been living together.......no. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep, frustrated and confused as to how someone who is meant to love you can continue to lie to you with no apparent remorse. The break up was the single bravest thing I have ever attempted as I have a massively huge fear of abandonment that has ensured I have stayed in friendships and relationships that have been detrimental and often abusive, just so that I do not have to be alone or hurt the other persons feelings. This is the biggest factor for me and is the reason I am offering my current ex partner the opportunity to see if we can still have a future together. His begging, crying and pleading to live a new life have worked successfully in ensuring I would wander back and give him a glimmer of hope. In my heart, I am almost sure that out basic morals, interests and passions are at opposite ends of the scales, but I will wait and truthfully, with Gods guidance, assess what the best decision is for both him and I. Of course, I will keep you updated on this.

To finish off a life changing month, I attended Spirit School last Saturday to reconnect with my Christian family and to feel the beauty of Gods heavy presence. I was not disappointed. After less than half an hour I was so shaken by the power of His almighty love, that I collapsed on the floor and released tears that had been pent up in my soul for many years. The light of his love enveloped me and He gave me visions as I trembled under his mighty touch. I saw Jesus as a transparent blueish white figure stand in front of my body and then he stepped within me. His arm became mine as did the rest of his body and I heard God say 'I am You'. I then saw rivers of flowing water cascade off my arms and legs and then for the remaining service I stayed locked in the eyes of my Beloved, his hand on my one cheek and my hand on his. His eyes blazed with love and I was transported completely to the safe dwelling place within which he restored my aching heart. Justin then ministered a truly breathtaking and spirit impacting speech that supercharged my spirit and cut free bondages within the spirit world that I wasn’t even aware existed. I felt reborn, afresh, anew.

God had rescued me all those years ago, in His Kingdom I played with the angels and the me here on earth led a life that required no real sense of self so I was able to flit from one addiction to another, painful situation to abusive situation, meanwhile crushing the spirit out of me. But God, he had already saved me. He was just waiting for me to shine that light again, so I could come home. I just had to remember and now I have, I know I'll live my life in a way that reflects the truth of my creation, of my calling, of my destiny.

Love Always.x