Beauty And The Bible

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." (Colossians 2:6-7 NIV)

I didn’t manage to complete as many of the tasks I set for myself today as I did yesterday, but I am not disheartened. I am realistic. Not every day will run according to plan and its the way I deal with it that really matters, and I appear to have dealt with it well. My day started off badly as I woke up late, so my first plans were dismissed as I tried to gather myself and not spontaneously combust into a puff of angry smoke. It worked though, as I chose instead to get right down to Bible study, which extended itself to two hours rather than the planned one, that I had accommodated for. I am therefore not disgruntled with myself for not being able to fit in the small shopping trip to pick up the food items I forgot yesterday (my list reading whilst shopping seemed to be scanning rather than focusing!)

So the Bible study today consisted of reading the Gospel of Mark and writing the relevant parts that leap out at me. I only read four chapters as so many parts resonated within me and caused me to ponder their true meaning and significance. I can tell you, the Gospel of Mark is so far my favourite gospel! It has opened up a further door for me to explore within the glory realm and has expanded my heart and mind further. Jesus is like the bestest friend, teacher, partner, brother and idol all wrapped in one. He really is amazing me and I am actually sat here smiling just thinking about the parables and teaching that I have been lucky enough to read about today.

I asked God to open my mind and heart today so that I could understand the relevance of what I was reading. There were several parts that jumped out and reminded me of my own struggles, my own journey and the lessons that Jesus was trying to teach me. One was in Mark 5, and talked of a demon possessed man who lived in the mountains. He would cut his wrists with rocks and no one could restrain him. Very similar to the depths of darkness I have been in. Jesus healed the man by ridding him of the evil spirits, which returned him to a sane man. This man then asks Jesus if he can come with Him, as I have done many times (request to remove myself from this world), but instead Jesus tells him to let his family know that the Lord had mercy on him and healed him. This is exactly what I am doing. I have wanted many times to take my own life, but the Lord is asking me to talk about my experiences, to let people know that He is healing me, He has mercy on me. I tell people by writing about it on here and within my friends and family who also know of my struggles and salvation. The message of the story validated what I am doing and how I am honestly doing if for Him. Ahhh beautiful!

In Mark 8:22-24 Jesus heals a blind man. He first spits on his eyes and asks if he can see, but the man says the people look like trees, then:

"Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly." (Mark 8:25 NIV)

I feel that Jesus is doing this for me too. He is clearing my eyes so I can see the realm of glory clearer and clearer. At first things are not as they seem, but I know that the more I focus my sights on Jesus, the closer I am becoming to seeing things as they really are. I will be able to live with my eyes cleared, with the glory realm in full sight and watch as the heavens invade earth. He is clearing my eyes and with it my full sight, as it should be, is being restored.

In  relevance to this, something clicked in me today and I am going to try my best to describe it here. When I read this part of Mark 7:20-23 (NIV), I had to sit and think for about 15minutes about its real meaning and relevance:

"He went on: What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean'. For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean'."
 
Now I'll be honest with you. I was a little bit scared that I was a very bad 'unclean' person when I read this. I continuously envy other women, wishing I was as attractive as they were/skinny/happy/successful and I didn’t really think there was anything wrong with this. I genuinely admire them, but equally wishfully lust after the things I would like for myself.  I don't think I am alone in this either. I know many people who do the same thing. So I then thought, how is it ever possible to have a clean heart then, as some of the above are regular daily happenings not just for me but for many others too (not murders etc.). It was then I realised exactly why you can tell a person of God apart from most other people; they don't seem to display or even think the above  thoughts. They seem pure. And the reason for this of course, is that they focus on the Lord. Their hearts are just focused on Him and He is love. So they can carry on with the rest of their lives but because they have focused on loving him, all the bad stuff just seems to seep out and disappear. This may sound fairly unbelievable but do you know something....I absolutely believe it to be true. Even I lose the anger, the self hate, the bitterness, whenever I choose to think of Him and over time, as my knowledge grows, that will just get better and better. In layman’s terms, when you come to love Jesus, your heart is cleansed back to what it should be. Before the man made world we live in tells us we should be different to who we truly are. Its fascinating and it made complete sense to me.
 
I am no longer reading the Bible just so I can know it. I am now reading the Bible and understanding its many messages and teachings, not just for me but for all people. The quotes I read are ones I have read before, just changed to a different author with different words, but the message is the same. I don't need to read the millions of self help books to gain an understanding of my mind and heart, the Bible is providing them all. Its like history, fact, entertainment, teachings and happiness all in one. It truly is a guide for life. As an early believer I didn’t really know what to expect, but it certainly isn’t what I have found. It has far exceeded my expectations and I love that I am still only new to it all. I have many more months to go to get a basic grip and then when I read it again, I will gain even more insight. I can see how people just survive on God alone, the Bible is so powerful, it reminds you of the true purpose of our existence. It cements the whys, the what ifs and the many questions science often can not answer. The book of God is magnificent and as a seasoned bookworm, I can assure you it is the best read yet.
 
Tomorrow is a busy day and its unlikely I will have time to write as I am starting on the Alpha course which will give me an understanding of Christianity and a place to voice my questions. I am really looking forward to it and of course, I am conscious that I remain true to only God and not 'religion' as such. I was advised by a great friend and mentor not to go as it may be very religious, but I am hoping that I can remain open minded and learn what I need to without being segregated into a specific sect. I will also continue my reading of Mark tomorrow and honestly am excited to find out the next couple of chapters and the gems within them. This journey has just started to take an upward bend, couldn’t be happier. Thank you Lord.
 
Love Always.x

On The Right Path

"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" (Ephesians 1:11 NIV)

I, me, yes misery guts over here, has had a good day! I have cleaned and organised my living room, read the first few chapters of the Gospel Of Mark, made two fresh and healthy meals, been food shopping and have just returned from a yoga class! All in all, an ideal day in my book. Of course the demons of procrastination and self abuse were ever present, but with my sword of faith and shield of knowledge, I was able to set forth and conquer. The trick to achieving this lovely day, was the ultimate in preparation and organisation. Last night I planned out every meal for the next five days, the accompanying shopping list and filled my daily diary with things I had to do each day. These ranged from the obvious such as brushing my teeth, to the desired, which was the Bible reading and the yoga class. I am so pleased to say I achieved 90% of the goals I wanted to and I feel extremely positive.

When I was telling my mum about what I had achieved so far earlier in the day, she pointed out that this is what I should be focusing on. I must take one day at a time, being fully present in each of the activities and not fretting about everything else. I really tried to take that on board today and it appears to have worked tremendously. I know people say that planning your days is too restrictive and can prevent spontaneity from occurring but for me to get well, this is the way forward. I was able today, to focus on my faith, my health, my eating and personal to do lists that never seem to get done. It might not work for everyone, but is was really satisfying to tick each thing off the list and finally feel I am living, rather than existing. The voices of doubt and hate crept in but I somehow managed to block them out and continue on, so I really hope I can achieve the same tomorrow.

Setting a specific period of time (1 hour) where I dedicated myself to reading the bible and writing parts that struck a chord in me, had a rather surprising outcome. I am even more thirsty to read it again tomorrow and I was able to absorb the beauty of the words much quicker than before. My mind welcomed in the knowledge of the parables that Mark writes about and my enthusiasm surpassed what it has on previous reading sessions. I love love love the gospel of Mark so far, the parables that Jesus used being my absolute favourite. I was able to close my eyes and see the Lord in front of me, living out the testimonies written about him. It was a magical hour where my senses were captivated and God allowed me even closer than He has before. The love that I feel when I think of Jesus is real and is growing in strength and understanding daily. Baby of faith I may be, but I feel that I have know Him all my life. We just got separated for a bit whilst I explored a life without Him as my focus. It only seems right that my path has now woven again into His. This falling to my knees was absolutely meant to happen, it was the only way I was able to return to the arms of Him again.

I thought today of what I would want to do if I could do anything in the world for the rest of my life and I knew without a doubt, that writing was the one true passion I have always had and always yearned to do more of. I do believe I am destined to write and reflecting over my past, from a little girl writing stories, to a troubled teen writing poems and now a woman writing a blog, I see my life is more on track than I may think. In the midst of trouble, of self doubt, there is usually something that takes us away from that dark place and that will tell you so much about the type of person you were destined to be. For some, that may be playing an instrument, singing, dancing or painting. Whatever it is, that secret safety blanket reveals the true you, in my opinion anyway. Its been a revelation to me to discover that the passion I had, that I didn’t really appreciate and use for so many years, has been my main way of reconnecting to God. It feels right that I am not singing to Him, although I sometimes dance alone in my house, uplifting myself from pain and performing for only Him. But mainly, our pathway of communication seems to come when I am doing this, writing about my walk, my journey with Him. Who I am is becoming clearer day by day and it is not so different as the person I really was all those years, behind that mask, away from the rest of the world.

I love being a child of God. I don' always fully understand what that means in its full capacity yet, but I know it means his love is slowly but surely pulling me out of the darkness. I am living my destiny, I am walking the path of my true self, but I have a lot of layers to shake off as I go. As each old mask is peeled back I face a fight, extreme resistance and what initially appears to be another mammoth breakdown. But really it is a making not breaking of my true character as He intended it to be. The resistance is the training I need, because there are greater battles outside of my own mind that I am destined to face. He has already started the process that is stripping me back, forcing me to drop the charade I have been relying on to get through and learning how to be me again, just me. Woah its challenging, but even in the midst of one of the worst depressive episodes I have ever experienced, I can see the light. Its very small...........but its there and I know exactly whose shining it!

Love Always.x

Changes In Life

Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the centre of your life. (Philippians 4:7 MSG)

I am forever reflecting on life, and the last two days since my entry I have built on the thoughts of dealing with my disorder and having faith in God. It occurred to me that instead of looking at this breakdown as the worst period of my life, I could look at it as my rebirth. Not just in terms of my salvation with the Lord, but in every possible area of my existence. I am currently having to relearn everything again, who I am am and what my future will hold. I could now choose to experiment and delve deeper than before possible, breaking free of routines, careers, people and places that have held me in a life that I never really felt was mine. This is my golden ticket to finally take control of my destiny and to discover who I am without the masks attached to me. Life really is too precious to waste on a pathway that is adopted out of habit and necessity rather than choice.

Instead of being negative about possibly not being able to return to work, I could choose to focus on the opportunity I get to develop my faith, my mind, my skills and my potential. I don't have to be tied down to a career to dictate how I feel about myself and my abilities to be 'successful'. I can learn the way that works for me, by dreaming, then living, discovering and experiencing what the world has to offer outside of the constraints I have put on my freedom. This is therefore a walk of faith in more ways than one, it is not only having faith in God, but also learning to have faith in me, in who I am, in what I can do and can be.

I have already battled one of the biggest demons I was living with; drug and alcohol addiction. I have so many days where I feel worthless, where I am trapped in the complexities of my own mind and where hope and happiness seem too impossible a dream to grasp. But I do give myself credit for coming off the party bus and dealing with reality full on. I am not going to lie to you, I have many days where the idea of a bag of cocaine and a bottle of vodka would be pure bliss, but I choose to say no. I 100% believe this is because I have found God and my family believes this too. So whilst I may be a beginner at the faith walk, I have already received a life line that saved me from myself. God is moving mountains for me, but I have been so blinded by the things of this world, I often miss the gems he is trying to share. I really am trying to change that, I really am trying to keep the pathway of communication open.

I was with my Dad today and we were talking about my life at the moment. I recalled that over the years I have actually had a lot of severe breakdowns, several of which have meant I have quit my jobs in the past and been off work for some time. Obviously on these times, I would still have been sedating myself from my pain by drinking/sleeping/partying etc so still never fully faced up to my disorder and what triggered the episodes. I went from manic and loving life, making lots of friends and being out all hours to crashing into depression and withdrawing from everything and everyone. It is only now, without anything to sedate myself with, that I am staring reality and my disorder in the face and realising just how much I had been hiding behind. I told my dad how I never ever want to go through this again, that this time, on this breakdown I want to recover properly and fully. I do not want to spend the rest of my existence up and down like a yo yo, getting lured back to bad habits just so I can paste a smile over my broken spirit and pretend I'm coping. This time has to be the last time I am this low, this unable to cope with simple daily tasks, this lost and afraid of life. I realise I am not every going to be like other people, my disorder, whether people believe in mental illness or not, has shaped who I am and will obviously impact who I become. This is where I can seize control and where I can start making choices that will enable me to do that. Choices that will help, not hinder my life and will ensure this period of darkness does not swoop again. Because in all honesty, I am not sure I could survive it. Twelve years of this has been enough, no more please. Please no more.

So I am left with several difficult choices to make at the moment and I am seeing advisor’s and mental health professionals next week who will hopefully aid in my decisions. I do not know if I am yet ready to return to work, if ever. I love my job, the people there and the company I work for but I currently struggle with simple basic tasks, get confused when dealing with normal situations and am easily angered and frustrated. I do not want to return and be overwhelmed so end up further distressed and tempted to cover up my pain again with sedating myself from reality. Equally I never want to not work, but if I do not sort out the issues I am facing now while work isn’t a pressure, I may never sort them and the cycle of ups and downs continues on. I am so confused! Next, I am unsure of staying on lithium. It clearly hasn’t made me better, it is a strong drug that is affecting my body and I can't have children whilst I'm on it. Obviously I am not planning on having children for a few years but when I want to, I will have to come off the lithium and that will require another period of time where I have to adjust to living in a stable way. I know that if I come off it, I won't necessarily be able to return to work any time soon but then in terms of my long term health, it would hopefully better my life. Ahhhhh I have no idea what to do! Please feel free to leave suggestions!

So to end today’s spilling of emotions, I want to refer to a part of the Bible I read earlier. It makes me think of how God is shaping me for the future He holds as my destiny. It gives me hope that sometimes we have to let certain situations/behaviours etc go so our true potential can shine: "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes, so that it will be even more fruitful" (John 15:2 NIV)

Love Always.x

Bipolar And Faith

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11 NIV)

I am bipolar and I believe in God. I have a mental illness, but I also have faith. In the last few months I have tried to honour one of these and discount the other, mainly focusing on the faith side. This has got me to a point where on most days I am in no mood for focusing on either, so am just left to deal with the onslaught of my vicious mind. Today after a day with Mary Poppins (my sister), a meeting with citizens advice and finally over coffee with my mum and her best friend, it clicked that I have both faith and illness in my life and to find a happy medium I have to learn to adapt my life to both. Where there is one, there is the other, at least for now.

In light of recent weeks, I have had time to start looking at the parts of me I need to get in order so I can live a relatively normal life. Normal meaning: no drug/alcohol abuse, no savage partying, no extreme anger cycles in my daily existence and no self harm and abuse which ultimately leads to 'breakdown of the century again.' Now, to someone of a sane mind doing tasks such as cleaning the house, budgeting, food shopping and eating may seem a doddle, but this is sadly not the case for me. I find these tasks overwhelming and get frustrated with myself and anyone within close vicinity of me. My mums friend who we had coffee with today, has extensive experience dealing with people who need help to live their lives, from mental disorders to domestic abuse victims and so on. She hit the nail on the head when she said for years (especially prior to my diagnosis), I had learnt my own coping strategies and medicated myself. Obviously taking drugs and raving for 48 hours is not the most recommended path of recovery but it did help me to cope and plaster over the truth of my mental situation. It provided the sedation and release I needed from my disorder and now without any of it, I have to deal with me. I hate it and it is driving me insane.

I am aware that there are people who are experiencing much worse scenarios in their life than me and I would love to stop thinking these thoughts and just get on with my life, but I am genuinely mentally unwell. I am not currently living with a rational mind and no matter how many great things are in my life, they are not communicated as such in my head. I am not pitying myself and if you read this and think that, then please know that I want to be out of this crazy maze more than you can imagine. This is torture and is tricking me, hurting me and destroying not just me, but the people close to me as well. Mental illness is still misunderstood by so many people. Whatever it is that triggers it can't seem to back up and explain what happens to a person when they become under its spell. It is like waking up in a nightmare every day, so much that you only wish for peace, sedation and in worst moments, suicide. It is not a click your fingers and focus on something else opportunity, no matter how many people tell me if I could just get on with things, I would be fine. Whatever I am doing, I am still me and that’s the problem. I still see through my eyes, its my mind that is still poisoning me. Whatever has happened to me, whatever has caused it, has eaten away at me for years and years and can not be solved by just throwing myself back into life. That is a common misconception by many doctors too, but they don’t realise the mask can go back on and in a few months or years it may slip off for good. Welcome to my life.

So I now know that I can not ignore that I am bipolar and expect faith to be my saving grace for it all. I believe in God and know He is clearing paths for me and opening my eyes every day. Maybe that’s why it is so hard for me to function, because the startling reality of my mind is plain for me to see. I asked God to help me and I believe He is doing exactly that. Not in the way I had originally hoped, which was providing a miracle bolt of lightening to come down and cure my mental affliction, but by making me be honest about it for the first time in my life. Reading my blog you may think I seem like a miserable, vain person who only dwells on my own misfortune but I can assure you that prior to this breakdown I hid my true self for many many years. It resurfaced only when I hit a major depressive episode and even then, only family were able to see the real me come out. I am not hiding any more. I am being honest and hopefully that will not only help me, but could also help other people who have been living behind a mask that they are desperate to escape from. I still believe in God, I still believe in the prophetic words spoken over me about healing broken people. But I now realise that I need to find ways to cope with myself from day to day without the need to escape from it all.

Bipolar and faith, disease and God, they are not always separate entity's. There are lessons to be learnt and beauty to be realised when we are faced with battles, we often feel too weak to understand. I have been trying to focus purely on growing in my faith, almost using that as an easier escape route than wading through the battlefield. That stops today. The ultimate goal will be that I can walk free of the chains that keep me captive to a sick/ill mind, but in the mean time I need to face the demons that locked me in there. What can the mind hold for me that God wants me to discover? What depths does He urge me to go to in order to find the truth and the light that will set freedom and love as an achievable path? I read before that God allows all things to happen, the Devil must first request his permission. Whether that is true or not it rings true to me today. I am not losing faith because I haven’t been immediately released from this mind prison, I am relearning new ways to live the life I have been running away from for so many years. I am not giving up I am growing. Sometimes, the darkest places yield the brightest gems. This quote seems very relevant to this point:

For His anger is but for a moment,His favour is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5 NKJV)

I am going to learn to deal with the mind I have been given and the threats it poses to my existence. I am going to work in unison, keeping faith as my shield and knowledge as my sword. Instead of treating the two as enemies to each other, as opponents for my life, I am focusing on using them to live the destiny I know God has for me. The road will not be easy but now I am not fighting my mind and wishing the pain away, I am opening my heart to understand it and help me to grow, to experience and to find that eternal promise, I know awaits me.

Love Always.x

Love and Unite

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8 NIV)

Booo I am ill. This time the affliction is on my body not my mind, an almost welcome change in the illness arena. I am suffering with a virus which is making me tired, my chest is tight and weazy and I am sporting a desirable wet eyed look continuously. And yes, I am feeling super sorry for myself. Boo hoo I am not a happy camper.

The last few day my boyfriend has been home, he usually works away so we only get one weekend in two together. It is hard, but it makes it even more special to focus on each other when we do have the time. That is why I chose not to write last weekend, instead I dedicated my time purely to being a girlfriend as I am very aware that I have not been doing the greatest job at this, of late. Having mental instabilities does not just affect the person who has them. The close circle of family, partner and friends also suffer the often emotionally challenging conflicts and behaviours of the one who is is ill. These recent months I have been so absorbed in my own thought patterns that I have neglected to see the struggles and pain that my own close knit group have been facing.

I am especially aware that my close family and boyfriend have had to put their worries and emotional issues on the back burner whilst focusing on me. I do feel guilt about this and resent having to be mothered again at the grand old age of 26, but it can't be helped. I have been put here for a reason and whatever that reason is, has required me to go through a lot of adversity to find the real truth. Without my close family, supportive boyfriend and patient friends, my healing process would have lasted much longer and could have been much more severe. The very nature of my illness has me acting like a confident show girl on the one hand and a paranoid loner on the other. It is debilitating, but I am coming out of it's grip. I am emerging, I am surviving and I know that my support network has had a huge part to play in this.

My turning to God, has left me with a thirst for the knowledge of truth in not just my life but other peoples as well. I have often felt like giving up the fight, finally turning my back on the world and escaping for good. The Lord has held me higher than I have ever held myself and He is now allowing me to reflect on the journey and the people who have allowed me to continue on, regardless of my pain. I am not indulgent in my misery, I am just opening my eyes that He has given me and I am seeing that we all face our own personal battles. Often, you will never know just how hard the wall is your neighbour has had to climb. Often, you can't feel the pain, the loneliness, that someone else’s heart has had to hold. But, we can all feel the love that can be extended from person to person and place to place. The Lord has merely opened my eyes and my heart so that I can see as He intended us to see, with a pure heart and a pure mind.

We are not of this world therefore we are united. We use material possessions to dominate and separate us, forgetting that they are separate entity’s, merely designed as tools not weapons. You  can feel the pain or passion of another, just by opening your eyes and heart, no matter who that person is or what they have been through. The Lord has done this for me, so I can look upon the treasures of my life with renewed appreciation. But even more, I have renewed faith in humankind because really we are not all that different. We were born the same and we will choose our path, remembering the good moments as those where we loved the most and those are the memories we savour, the ones we cherish. I choose to cherish them all, fill my life with love and laughter and appreciate everyone for the exceptional people they are, even if they don't see it yet, even if I don't yet see it in myself. To me, Jesus died for us to see the beauty of each person, both you and me. Beyond forgiveness of sins, the new command was given to love one another. I choose to focus as much on this as I can. He is cleansing and renewing me every day.

Love Always.x

Prayers Answered

The kingdom of God is within you. (Luke 17:21)

 

My sister read my last blog post and advised me that it depressed her! Nothing like the brutal honesty of a family member to get you thinking, is there! But seriously, for those of you who do read my blog, I am aware that many of my entries have been quite dark and some have been down right miserable. On days when I choose to reflect over the past entries myself, I am sometimes saddened by the emotions I am unloading onto the screen. However, I did promise to always be honest and that means that my mental state is going to be bared to all, no matter what. I do not intend to promote inadequacy, but equally I want to remain true to this journey and that does mean I can't hide behind a mask anymore. I hope it doesn’t deter you from reading, but that it will only show how a darkened mind can be truly lit when only truth is used as a weapon. I always pray for healing, but I understand that the Lord is working His majestic grace through the challenges I face. I continue to do my end of the bargain and record exactly what they are. Ups and downs, pain and pleasure, but regardless of the bleakness I may sometimes seem to show, the light of the Lord has never yet ceased to uplift and amaze me.

In reference to prayers and the light of the Lord, my prayer/desperate plea on here the other night was answered immediately. Oh how glorious it is to be a child of God and to be uplifted into places you can only dream of. Time it would appear, is of no implication to receiving Gods help. In my case, the minute I exited this blog and entered facebook, He had worked his magic. My best friend from teenage years and the one I refer to as my angel (on previous blog) was online and we haven’t chatted in months! She lives in Peru and the chances of us both being on at the same time are very rare, which made the experience even more enlightening. She told me she had a dream about me the night before where I had a five year old son. It was even weirder as I too had a dream I had a son and daughter the night before. I do not actually know the significance of the dreams, but I do that the chance meeting we had, restored my weary soul and caused me to thank the heavens for moving again to bless me.

The prayer was answered further when yesterday morning I awoke for the first time in weeks, with a positive aura surrounding me. I am not a morning person so rarely wake happy and my mum was also surprised to hear her usually bad tempered daughter, cheery on the phone. Before bed that night, I had also asked the Lord to help give me the motivation and determination to tackle my house, which has began to represent a sloth’s den and was further adding to my depression. I know that this may seem a silly request but it was heartfelt and pleading. So to my delight, I now sit in a house that has been rid of its ever building debris. Yesterday I organised, sorted and filed like never before with a determined mind and above all a happy disposition. My wonderful Lord was in my heart from the moment I made my first plea to Him. He gave me strength and focus where there was none and He seemed to move closer to me than He ever has before. These seemingly trivial actions sparked off a new thirst in me because I realised yesterday that I am never alone. I may be in pain, I may be surrounded by darkness but within me there is a light that carries me on. I am in awe of His presence, I can feel the flutter of love envelop me once again and I am renewed to face another day.

God exists. He has been my rock, but I have been refusing to let Him in of late. I didn't realise it, but I had closed my eyes and my heart to the light and had also stopped reading the Bible, stopped having real moments with Him. I can't tell you why, maybe its old habits, maybe its fear or maybe its just damn right laziness on my part. But do you know what, He didn’t forget about me. I only had to ask for His help and he gave it, He loved me and He carried me. I can not actually put into words how much He has wowed me in the last two days. I was so broken, so hurt and so lost, but He just reminded me that this is the journey. Yes, I have to go through these trials because they are part of my destiny, but I must never forget that He is with me every step. I can call to Him, I can sit with Him and I can learn from Him if only I would take off the doubting, non trusting part of my character and replace it with the love and trust that He is willing me to learn and enjoy.

Last night, I had one of my close friends over and we had a lovely home cooked meal together and caught up on how we'd both been doing. He is a man whom I have the utmost respect for and find both his loving heart and his unbelievably high intelligence, a joy to be around. I was able to talk with Him last night about my faith in God and about his complete faith in science. He does not believe in God at all and was pleasantly surprised to find out that I do, and had been reading my blog and watching this journey develop. We talked about his opinions and mine, which was extremely enjoyable because they differ so much. Mark could answer any question I posed to him with a scientific mind and the one issue came up which was that my belief was based on faith, rather than actual proof. That’s the funny thing with science isn’t it, there must be proof and miracles of God can seem to be explained away with many scientific explanations. Before, these discussions may have made me doubt the validity of my Lord but last night that never crept in. I do believe, proof or no proof as I have said before. I just know it to be true. Even if I discounted all of the millions of people who also believe and the many miracles that have happened, I have had personal experiences with the Lord which have touched the very core of my being. Science is tried and tested theories, but the feeling, the knowing that you get when you realise that God made you and is with you, that can't be explained away. It is miraculous and it is an innate knowing that this was always what I was looking for.

I had my prayers answered, I have also started reading the Bible again and I have started thinking once more of the road that lays ahead. Is life just an obstacle course, a race to the finish line, a blot on eternity's tale? Or is the reason we are always seeking something more because we were always intended to find the answer to our existence? I know that for me, I had been living on a obstacle course and now I am living on faith. It doesn’t always make the journey easier, but I know I am never really alone, no matter how dark it looks. In this quest I must learn to keep in mind the truth. Not as someone else dictates it to me, not how man portrays it to others, but in how I find it to be myself. I feel closer now than I have ever felt and call it faith, call it ignorance, I don't mind, because I know the truth and it sits within me, giving me strength, giving me light and giving me a purpose. Love and truth will always prevail in the end.

Love Always.x

God, Please Help Me

"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." (Psalm 119:50)

I crave inner stillness and peace. I am learning more and more about myself as the days go on and I am aware that solitude, though sometimes frustrating because it is my company I keep, is actually a necessary part of my day and a fundamental element of my recovery. In solitude minutes lull into hours and I am captivated by the thoughts that cross my mind. Although they are often negative and usually overwhelming, they are mine and it is in this space that her and me, come back together again.

I have been busy for the last two days again, so I haven't been able to write. I will not allow myself to feel guilty about this, although I obviously do. I have learnt that guilt is an emotion that the darkness uses to keep me within its grasp and I do not want to play a part in its game. I was in spirit school Sunday evening and stayed in a hotel last night with my mum and her boyfriend; in my own room of course. So, when the feelings of guilt wash over me for not writing, I remind myself that life will sometimes get in the way and God is with me whether I am writing or not. As soon as I have arrived home, I am on here, partly because that’s the plan I feel God has for me and also because this is the most therapeutic method for me to understand my mind.

So firstly, Spirit school with Justin and Rachel (companyofburninghearts.wordpress.com) was a completely new and exciting experience. It is here that people gather to allow the holy spirit to enter the space we are in and to be closer to God than is sometimes possible in our busy day to day lives. I thoroughly enjoyed it, though noticed that my mind was less willing to participate than usual at first. In honesty, the last few weeks have been the hardest yet on my depressive bipolar episode, so the reluctance to calm my mind and spirit was expected before I arrived. I have been in a mess, a dark horrible hole and even faith has been weakened as I feel under continuous attack from the thoughts that insist on filling my head. However, as the night wore on, I felt the undeniable presence of the Lord and I sat and basked in the experience. Justins inspiring words motivated and renewed my tortured mind and as I sat eyes closed, words were spoken in my ear by another one of Gods great people. This girl is called Emma and she writes a blog call the Eden hijack, which shows her experiences as she lives in compete and utter harmony with Jesus. Her life of faith is an inspiration to me and I was captivated as she told me words from the Lord of how I was letting go of my past and becoming a new person. She whispered many words that my spirit soaked up and told me I had been singled out/set apart and that I was very aware of the spirit world and she wished for me to continue to grow in this. This was the highlight of my night. Emma does not know who I am, neither does she know the experiences I am going through or the past I have been trying to leave, so her words brought great comfort to me. It is her words that cemented my belief again, in the God that I know loves me and has a plan for me, so great, that I still get a whir of excitement as I think of it. I left that night, after meeting some amazing new people and reconnecting with the old, feeling like I really was following the path I was meant to be on.

The hotel last night was a surprise, some of my mums friends work clients had been unable to make it down, so we were given the rooms in a beautiful 5* hotel. The room was the most magnificent I have ever seen and I indulged in room service (on my mum), a long relaxing bath and some quality  time with my mum. Today I made use of their spa facilities and on my own I swam in the pool, relaxed in the Jacuzzi and the sauna and watched the sun dapple the water outside of this dreamy location. The time I spent alone, I needed. It is here that I felt that I was recharging, reconnecting and breaking away from the patterns I had developed. My mum, so patient with me, made sure that I came even though I initially wanted to stay at home alone. I am glad I went, because it reminded me that I am capable of happiness still and I am still able to enjoy rather than be used to, my own company.

The remainder of today I have been with my sister and nephews. I have just returned home from food shopping with her as she has helped me write out a meal plan to stop me eating takeaways, which is dramatically increasing my weight and reducing my money to survive on. I am relearning every day, new ways to live a life drug and work free. I have had to slow down, no, I have halted completely on my walkway of life and I am starting again. My mum pointed out this morning as I shoved the fourth plate of breakfast in my mouth, that in food, I had found another way to punish myself. I no longer self harm, throw up, drink excessively, party too much, work too hard and the non physical abuse part, I can't live without. If I am not engaging in self abusive patterns, I do not know how to cope. There is no one else to punish me, I have to do it myself.

I am not well. Mentally I am in  pieces. I am a broken version of a woman and this pain is engulfing me. I am often suicidal, I am overwhelmed by the smallest tasks and I am disgusted with who I am and what I have become. Without the masks to hide behind, I am just me and I hate this person. I am surviving, but I am not living. I am sorry to be so sombre, but I am frustrated and exhausted with my every day existence. I did not realise that reality is so brutal, that’s why at the slightest hint of it, I would run to drugs/drink/work etc to escape. This is a bigger wall than I ever could have imagined and in all honesty, if someone had told me it would be this hard to live as who I am, then I doubt I would have given all the vices up. It seems I am more of a coward than I claim to be, I am scared, hurt, angry, confused and most of all, I am fed up with being me.

What do I do? I have breathtaking moments with God, but the rest of my life seems to get in the way. I know that is almost the idea of this journey, that I leave the worries and cares of the flesh behind, but why am I struggling so much? I want to live the destiny I know He has for me. I want to walk in glory and rid myself of the physical and mental torture I inflict on myself day after day. I want a chance to be happy, truly happy and not to find every single task overwhelming. I do not know how I can cope another day in this mind, in this world. God please help me. Please, please, help me.

Love Always.x

Friend Or Fight?

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.” (1 John 4:7 NIV)

A funny thing happens when you have God in your life; you begin to think from a different view point to the one you had before. It has started happening to me and I am both shocked and happy about it, yet still confused as to exactly how it has happened. Firstly, as I haven’t written on here for two days, I would like to assure you I haven’t been on a mad partying session. I have been busy with close friends, who have kindly helped me paint my kitchen and also one of these friends stayed over with me last night. These experiences, though seemingly small to others, are a massive leap for me. I have always worked hard and partied harder, meaning painting days and takeaway nights were all but non existent. Don't get me wrong, I had people staying over my house a lot, but that was after a long partying session and not just for the joy of each others company. I am loving this new lifestyle and with it more changes have come.

If you have read my blog in the past, you may remember a particular entry where I had been let down on my birthday meal by one of my closest friends. This caused the spirit of rejection to well up inside of me like a beast of hell, and I was both furious and hurt about this event and her. I ranted and raved to my family, I beat myself up over it and I aired my views on here to release the pain I was feeling. It has still haunted me since and our text messages have been very rare and very short if sent at all. Today I went on a spa day with this girl and I had been dreading it all week.

The spa day had been booked as a joint birthday present for us prior to our falling out and although I did not want to go after the meal event (rejection), I had listened to the advice of my family and went along with the intention to talk to her about my feelings. As the days got closer I got more and more nervous and have been troubled not only about what I wanted to say about the rejection, but for the many times previous that I felt I had been treated unfairly. I personally do not like to hurt people, but equally I don't want to be walked over ever again and this was essential to me that I made my point clear and effective. So, last night when one of my best mates stayed over, I explained my predicament. In my view so far, I have learnt that our God is a God of love. That we must express love to one another and to remember that the enemy likes to separate people. But, as much as I knew this, I battled  with that view as I also felt that it was important that I got my feelings clear as I had so much pent up rage and frustration. I just didn’t know the best way forward. One thing that so many people say about me is that I can be too nice when sometimes the person I am directing it to doesn’t deserve it, but also that I am not able to lie or fake how I feel in front of people. Both are true, although they may seem contradictory. I do see good in all people, yes ALL people, but when I honestly do not like someone, I can't disguise it, I can't be fake. Last night, I could not see a way of being here today and not saying how I felt without compromising myself or my beliefs.

Today I am pleased to say, has gone wonderfully. I am surprised to say the least, but I am fully aware of what happened to my character today. It grew beyond measure to learn to look beyond my pain and to experience someone else’s. I had God eyes for the day and I now understand the difference between thinking how He thinks and thinking how the flesh thinks. Today, when I picked my friend up, I chose not to say anything about the meal incident and neither did she. However my tone was frosty and I was much more direct when she talked about the issues she is having with her relationship (a married man with kids). I noticed the hostility in my voice and chose then to tell her that I had been furious with her and that beyond that I was deeply hurt by her actions. I told her I had calmed down and could see that she was living in the dark. That she was partying too much and that she was making bad choices and this was affecting her life. She knew this to be the same but she didn’t say anything about the meal. I chose to leave it. I had said what I needed to and I had done it in a much more diplomatic way than I had imagined. I could have carried on all day, but I saw the pain and darkness that was engulfing her too and chose to relate the incident to that darkness, rather than her character.

I am not making excuses for her, neither am I condoning her behaviour towards me that night of rejection and past events. But I do recognise darkness when I see it and feeding that will only pull me and her farther from the light and from love. My Lord was with me today, my heart was able to open with love to accept one of His children, faults and all. I put aside my feelings and my fleshy thoughts and I looked through eyes of truth and love. I can sense darkness so acutely, it literally licks my skin. Maybe years of living in it myself have meant I am susceptible to it's presence forever more. I thought I needed to have a sit down chat, a long drawn out assessment of our friendship and what that means. But, that is not how it went. I learnt today to put aside my pride and my feelings of hate, anger and self pity and be the friend that I needed to be. I had it all wrong, you can't fight darkness with darkness, you will only create more. I chose today to be true to who I am and say a small snippet of my initial feelings, but I immediately followed this with a reason for her behaviour. Nothing more of the matter was said.

So, God surprises me every day with the changes he is making to me. I have not come home feeling like I let her get away as I would usually do if I had ignored the opportunity to voice my frustration. No, instead I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. I learnt tongue control, I learnt the implications of my words on an already darkened soul. Many people, me included, can sometimes feel the need to put right any wrongs by being almost aggressive to get your point across. We are told that this is standing up for ourselves, we are being brave for correcting the people who hurt us. Well, that’s all fine unless of course you are more interested in living happily, anger and stress free. Ok, so that’s a big claim, but it really made sense to me today. I achieve nothing but a short satisfactory feeling if I unload my fury and poison into someone else’s soul. They then carry this feeling and it gets transferred to someone else or onto themselves. I then welcome in the spirit of guilt for knowing I have said bad words to someone I care about. You see, there are no positives in this scenario.

Instead today, I let the Lord control my heart and He did it in a way that I had never imagined. I opened my mouth and out came love and compassion. I saw her through His eyes and loved her again. It is a bizarre feeling but it is one I know is right and is another step on my pathway to greater glory. I am relearning old behaviour patterns, my fleshy self is undergoing changes that will lead me on and on into the realms of my Lord and I am happier again for finding the truth amidst all the demons. If I can do it, I know you can too. Use His eyes, Use His heart and walk amongst the angels as I did today.

Love Always.x

Help and Understanding

“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.” (Psalm 34:19)

I am convinced in my past hedonistic days, I somehow, whether willingly or not, invoked the spirits of Hell from their slumber. In doing so, it would appear I have made a life long pact that I would be expected to honour, no matter what path I find myself on. I am more aware than ever in these past few days, of my attachment to the darkness. Its eerie voices, its sadistic offerings and its annoying comfort are all elements of what can only be described as my journey through hell to glory. It is not a jolly one, that’s for sure.

I have been mourning my old life these past few days. I did not write last night as could not bear to add another depressing entry to my already negative appearing walk of faith. It is not justified to say that getting closer to God has made me worse mentally than before, but it certainly has made me have to look at a lot of my behaviours and mental chatter, and that has been very difficult. Last night, as I have done for several nights now, I have been smoking cannabis again. In my defence, I was an addict of cocaine and alcohol, and that has been by far the hardest wall I've ever had to climb. I am not condoning the smoking, but every now and again, I still crave the old me, the sedated me.

It's silly really, I sometimes feel no more happier now than I did a couple of months ago. I suppose that regardless of the drugs and drink, I was still battling a mental disorder and that has now been forced out from behind the weapons I used to cover it. Even worse, I am now expected to deal with it. I think this is why I have been so miserable the past few days. When I was angry, sad, confused etc. before, I would just smoke, snort or drink it away. I would throw myself into working and partying hard and the disorder would remain, but it wouldn't be dealt with. I just pasted over it and got on with my life. Now, I don't have that choice. The occasional spliff here and there in the evenings is the tiny thread I still hold onto. My kind of port in the storm of my own reality. It's like life is vomiting all over me, real feelings but nothing solid in place to deal with them effectively.

My mind is a great game of tricks and treats and God is not always on my agenda when I look for answers to my misery. I know He loves me, same as I know my family loves me, but that doesn’t always provide the solace to my pain. I sometimes feel set apart, like the devil has taken a liking to me and over the years I have accepted all that he offered; greed, selfishness and abuse of myself. Whilst my bible glares up at me, I have been choosing to ignore it and face the demons on my own. This I suppose, is why my success is limited to small bursts of understanding and pleasure, fleeting moments in my existence.

Today started as any other, with me rushing around to try to get simple tasks completed and failing miserably. This resulted in me screaming and crying hysterically at home alone, wondering again about the point of my life and my ability to ever return to the girl I once was. I then went to pick some stuff up from Justin and Rachel's (miracle couple of God), and in that short meeting my spirit was refuelled and lifted. I didn’t tell them of my recent misery, we just talked about other things relating to God and it is there, that I felt reconnected to my Lord again. It is there, that the black cloud of doom was penetrated and light shone in on my soul. If I could bottle that feeling, I would have a fridge full of it, ready for the dark days and demons.

This afternoon I then went to see my sister (loved this), and then to the gym for my induction with the trainer, as part of a government health referral scheme. It was surprisingly good and I enjoyed being out of my house and meeting other people. I returned, initially productive in cleaning my house,  but as usual that lasted all of ten minutes before internet browsing offered a more enticing way to spend my time. The point is though, I feel much more positive as I sit here now, than I did stood here, screaming this morning. Getting out of the house and seeing my sister, being around other people and working out, all helped in part to make me feel better. However, the big shift in my depressed soul, was recognised when I was around people of God. I felt protected again, inspired and willing to face the rest of my day.

Whatever people say about my beliefs, whatever they do or don't believe in, I will only advise them of this: if it feels right, if you know in your heart that this has touched you, then you know you are on the right path. Every time I allow myself to be around people of God (and God Himself), to read His words or even just read about Him, I am lifted, I am welcomed and I am freed of the pain I have been feeling. God is providing the escape route to my fear and my pain, but ultimately I have the choice of whether to seek that or to ignore it. As do we all. So when I have another day, as I am sure I will, when the darkness cloaks me and I don't see a way out, I must look for the Lord. It is through Him, that I can be true to myself, that my vision can be cleared and my heart can be made whole again. I have not forgotten Him, I have just been too caught up in the pain of my flesh, to listen to the love of my spirit. I am building on that day after day. I love the Lord, my God with all my heart and whatever happens, I must remember the way, the life, is through Him...........

Love Always.x

I Fight Another Day

"You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory" (Psalm 73:24 NIV)

Got the new motor vehicle today, wooooooo hoooooooo!! Enjoyed the time spent with my mum on the journey and am hugely grateful to my family for helping me achieve this dream. Sadly I still can't shift the anger and frustration though. I am annoyed with the world and everyone in it. I am positively evil and if this is the spirit of anger and misery, then it is sticking like super super glue to my persona and it is wearing me out. I am being ground down day after day. Being bipolar carries with it the ability to create new persona’s depending on what episode I am experiencing, e.g. mania or depression. However, the depression bit is the one that I find hardest to cope with, it eats away at any happiness left inside of you, till only a shell is left and personality is void. I am told it is still too early for the lithium to have its full effects, but it has been over 3 months now and all that has happened is I have become more depressed and more frustrated, when will it stop?

On the way home in my new car today, I had a word with God about my anger and my journey so far. Whilst talking with Him I was able to realise several points which illustrated why I am in the darkest dungeons of my personality disorder. One was that if I was to fulfil my destiny and help and heal broken people, I needed to understand the pain, anger and utter despair that I would be coming across. That for me to truly help and to accomplish what is needed, these trials I am experiencing are essential to my growth and to my  chosen path. These emotions, challenges and worries were all there to shape me as a warrior in the spiritual world and were merely starting blocks for the adversity I will face over the coming months and years. God has given me what I need to learn to deal with, because although I don't think I can get through it, He knows otherwise. I am battling with a demon that rockets me between the highest pleasure and the deepest pain and God has allowed this, because it is in the conquering of it, that I will be able to do what He needs me to do.

These moments with God allow me to look from His perspective and from the outside in, at the chaos I feel I am in the middle of. It is not easy, but it is essential, that I understand levels of human psychosis so that I can cleanse myself and also I suppose, so that I can believe in the power of the Lord to get me through. I can be, as we all can, a living testament of His word, but that means I must cross barriers I didn't even know existed. I am often overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head. I am scared, annoyed, exhausted but realistically, I am not actually lost. The wilderness does not stop, it just comes in new disguises, new situations and new feelings that can hinder or help me, depending on my perspective.

Life is so short, it has so many opportunities to sedate yourself from what reality is. Gritty, harsh and often uncompromising is the path we may find ourselves on. I crave the light, the beauty and the comfort of being happy with who I am and with what my true destiny is in the world. If I could flick a switch and make all this mental anguish fade, I honestly believed I would. But I sit here, after another weekend of dealing with my extreme dislike for myself, sober with not a comedown or hangover in sight. It would be easy for me to go back to the vices and behaviours of my past, to give up the fight to find who I am and being closer to the Lord. Instead, I spent quality time with my boyfriend and aired my issues on here, trying desperately to understand my mind. I may think I can not cope, some days I may not want to, but I made a commitment and no matter what happens, or how hard it gets, I somehow know I will get through and happiness will be waiting. True, lasting and beautiful, like the Lord. I live to fight another day, and of course I am thankful to be having that chance.

Love Always.x

Angry Angry Me

“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil” (Psalm 37:8 NIV)

When things don't go exactly as planned, I lose myself in the moment completely. I get so absorbed, that rational thinking and a sound mind are all but a distant memory. Mostly in that particular moment, I am red hot, angry and spitting venom. This my friends, was the start of my weekend. Bubbling up from under the surface, erupted my almighty temper and all I could do was ride it out......again.

My wonderful boyfriend had offered to buy me a car for my birthday. He gave me a limit of £2000 which is the most I (meaning my dad and I) have ever spent on a car for myself. I am not really a 'car' person. I can only drive an automatic after three instructors advised against my driving and the final instructor was the most patient man known to walk the earth and had an automatic car to teach me in. So, I was over the moon when my boyfriend offered to buy me a car, especially as the other week the hunk of junk that I was risking my life in every day, packed in on the dual carriage way en route to my romantic night away!

Car shopping is very stressful, I hated it, every single second. My dad helped me so much as he is a car genius and was able to ask the appropriate questions prior to agreeing a sale. My questions were more, shall we say immaterial, the shininess of the car, for example. So, my dad and I went last weekend to view a lovely VW beetle and my heart leapt out of my chest. It was a great price and it seemed as if it had popped up out of nowhere, like it was meant to be. It felt right even before I saw it, it felt like it was meant to be mine. As soon as my dad had quizzed the man about every detail, I put a deposit down and text my boyfriend the great news. He equally seemed pleased and over the last week I have asked him to deposit the money in my account so I can pick it up. Unfortunately, due to 12 hours shifts in the middle of nowhere he did not have access to the bank. Fine, I therefore planned for us to go to the bank and for us to collect the car yesterday. Oh, how wrong I was. Then began the battle of my patience, my compassion and my ability to remain calm and collected. Just to make you aware, I failed miserably in all these areas, and more.

My boyfriend text me in the morning from the bank to say he wouldn’t have the full money for two weeks.  TWO WEEKS. I had planned to get it yesterday. I had been using my mum as a taxi service since my car broke down and I needed my independence back badly. This was not happening to me, I had made plans, I had been good and organised but to no avail. I seeped hatred from every pore and screamed to know why I hadn’t been advised of this apparently new 'glitch' in the financial planning. I will not go into the gory details of the several hour long texting marathon that ensued but I can confirm I have no car but I still have a boyfriend....just. I had threatened him with the almighty get out the house card and it  had nearly worked. My stubbornness and his knowledge of how adamant I am when I make my mind up, created a void that love could not fill. Instead, anger, distrust, fear, hate and worry circled our usually adoring partnership. It was my extreme anger and frustration about not having what I wanted, when I wanted it that had annoyed me. But what had really really hurt and upset me, was that I felt I had been kept in the dark about it. I felt like an outsider in our relationship and I didn't like or appreciate it.

It has now been resolved. Money is being borrowed from family members who to be honest, could do with the money themselves, but out of pure love have jumped to my rescue. My mum, dad and sister are rescuing me again, knowing that their gesture will be deeply appreciated by me and would stop the remainder of the weekend and my relationship from being destroyed. Of course, the money will be given back to them by my boyfriend, who I love deeply and realise that I am not the easiest of people to encounter and open up to when the information you are telling me is letting me down. My anger is often uncontrollable and is a dark force that resides in me, just waiting for the slightest click to set it off. I become everything I hate, cruel, sarcastic, arrogant, scathing, self pitying and most of all hurtful with my words. It is a trait that had only worsened over the years and with the freedom from drug and alcohol abuse, it only seems to have got worse. Or maybe, I am now more aware of it.

I feel like I am on a roller-coaster ride and I don't know how many more highs and lows I can take. My family and my boyfriend see the many faces of the girl that is me, the one without all the masks, the one who is just finding who I am again. But do you know what scares me, what if this angry bitter person really is me? What if the party girl was actually the great me, the best that I could be? The girl I have been this weekend has both disappointed and then surprised me. I am one for holding a grudge, especially with my boyfriend. I reminded him for hours after he returned home and the situation was resolved that he had let me down and I was embarrassed by him. That’s horrible and is a form of bullying, I wanted him to feel as bad as me and I kept on reminding him of his error. I do not want to be that person anymore.

Today we have had a beautiful day in our home, enjoying each others company. We have been in love, slow dancing in the kitchen, cuddling on the sofa and organising our home. There has been no anger, no tears, no hatred, just pure beautiful love. So, maybe, I am being forced to deal with parts of me that have been kept hidden from the world. My anger is a part of me I hate and so is my manipulation and emotional blackmail I show towards my boyfriend if he has let me down. Some days I am a cow and my evilness roars out of me and frees me of some more of the pain that I have been carrying. I have not been angry today, I have been happy, calm and in love. I want to be like that more, but the fiery belly inside me is ready to flare up at the slightest alteration of my ideals and plans. This is where I must trust in the Lord to cleanse me, to help me. Maybe that’s what is happening anyway. I am being forced to face my demons, to look in the mirror and see them staring back at me. To use my anger doesn’t empower me, it weakens me and hurts others. I want to be free of this demon, so in Gods name I pray: "Release me from the spirit of anger, Release me from the spirit of fear and let my soul be free to love, to be patient and to be kind to all and to myself. Please Lord, set me free."

Love Always.x

I Believe In God

"But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit." (1 Corinthians 6:17 NIV)

God is breaking boundaries every day for me. This walk is full of lessons and I am a keen student where my interest is both challenged and at times rewarded. I've reached a point in my learning where I now can honestly say I believe in God. This may shock some people, shouldn't I have believed in Him anyway? After all, I have had visions, experienced glory and write about my journey. But in total honesty, there was still always a part of me that held a small seed of doubt. I wanted to fully believe with all my heart and I really thought I did, but today whilst sat reading about faith, there was a definite shift in me. That seed of doubt had left me and it was only later when I was watching a Youtube video on the 'proof of God', that I realised I didn’t need to hear the words, I knew it to be true. I knew that something can't come out of nothing, that there had to be something there in the first place to create what we see as space and matter. That the creator of these 'finite' things, must be immeasurable in time, space and matter. This time, the video merely pointed out the obvious, it was no longer a quest for proof. Scientifically, there is overwhelming evidence that God must exist and there is also evidence of predictions that have come true in our current age and before us from within the Bible. But no, this cementing of my belief did not actually come from the proof I have seen and read, it has come from within me.

Somehow, whilst reading today I felt connected with Him like never before. There were no visions, no goosebumps and no feeling of bliss and glory. I can't even remember exactly what I was reading, but what I will tell you is this; I believed that He truly loves me and my heart leapt as I realised the feeling was absolutely mutual. It was not me against the world, it was us together and there is no such thing as against, only through and for. I don’t know why it was today of all days, I don't know if the book had significance or if my birthday had sparked a change. All I know is, the seed of doubt that had roots within me, just dropped out and left me.

I have been reflecting all day on my relationship with Him and His plans for me. With the seed of doubt shifted, I felt the answers I was getting were pure and truthful and they helped me to gain insight on my life. I looked at the past couple of years and even the last few days and admitted I had absolutely no idea of why I seemed to find pain, hate and challenge wherever I turned and whatever I did. The inability to control my mind games has been exhausting and I was frustrated with myself for not being able to be as gracious and happy in my life as I should be for the many blessing I already have. The answer seemed obvious, that I do not have to understand His plan, but I must understand that each thorn has a purpose. Each challenge is there to enable growth and to make sure I am ready to be used by Him for His plan on this earth. I may not want, like or feel unable to cope at times with the stumbling blocks in my way, but perseverance will pay off. Just because I don’t understand it or can't see past it, doesn’t mean that He isn’t fully aware of what is happening and had even planned it to be so. I had to stop thinking within the walls of my fleshy self and start to use my spirit to learn, to absorb and to conquer! Glory!

Its so true that each step is more and more beautiful. God is so real to me today and it has been a quiet realisation that has clicked into place and set free boundaries I didn’t even know existed. This journey is anything but predictable and I know that this will be the same for the rest of my days, here on earth and in eternity. I am breathless, I am captivated, I am in awe of the wonder of my creator and of all creation. He has taken my broken heart, mended it and put it back in filled with hope. The beat of it is one that echoes through the spirit realm and resonates with the glory that is all around me. God is my keeper and I am blessed to walk another day in His glory. Thank you Lord for giving me the understanding to enable me to remove the seed of doubt and replace it with a spirit filled with love. May your will be done.

Love Always.x

My Birthday!

"Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace." (Luke 7:50)

Happy Birthday to me! Today I turned 26 and I already feel a change internally regarding my life from here on in. Usually I would be spending my birthday recovering or still partying, armed with a plethora of drugs and drink to set the year in motion. I can't remember the last time I had a birthday that did not include complete and utter annihilation of the reality surrounding me. This year so far, my birthday week and day have been an alarming contrast. No cocaine, no vodka and no imminent hangover and comedown. I am just me and it hasn’t gone unnoticed.

I feel like I have shut the door on my past today. Last night, I knelt down next to my bed and asked for God to allow me to experience full closeness with Him over the coming year. I asked for guidance and willpower to stop me from straying to the temptations and black holes of my past. I could literally feel the flutter of angel wings around my ears and as I gazed around my room when I got into bed, I was sure my room was filled with His presence. I could see flashes of bright light around my bed, in my doorway and around my body. It was a moment alone, where I felt completely happy and safe and welcomed in the new year that the Lord has given to me to grow.

Every year I have so many goals for what I want to do at the new grown up age I have reached. The goals change, but mainly they are to look after my body better, to travel, to learn to play piano, to speak another language and to spend more time with friends and family. I also usually plan to manage my finances better although so far NOTHING has ever come close to having that completed! Even so, the years go past and as with the finance goal, real life steps in, old habits return and I resign myself to the fact that my willpower and ability to motivate myself to do anything is ridiculously low. The drinking starts again, then come the drugs, bang goes the spending and the rest of the goals just fritter away as if never planned into my destiny.

This year I have become a new creation. This year, the only goal I am setting is to spend more and more time with the Lord. To read His word, to understand His message, to continue to walk in my destiny that He has for me. I undoubtedly have a lot of catching up to do, but all the more exciting does that make my new year. Funnily enough, I suspect that the other goals I usually set will also be met over the next twelve months. Although my focus will be on the Lord, the wonderful effects of this dedication will likely seep to all areas of my life. Already, the goal to spend more time with my friends and family has been achieved. The daughter, sister and friend they lost for many years is now back and in regular, beautiful contact. I therefore have full trust in my Lord, to make sure that any other goals which I am meant to achieve, will happen. If they don't, then I doubt very much I will have the usual 11 month guilt cycle I experience after the first month of caving in to temptation. No, I am already seeing that some of the many goals (not listed here) I insist on adding to my list year after year were not meant to be completed at that time, as who I was then and even maybe, who I am now.

The writing of this daily blog will be able to document my growth and I am already excited about the changes that lay ahead for me. The girl that started this has already changed so much and today has really hit home how much I have already grown and how much I have already conquered. Reading over my past entries already lets me see the ways in which I have allowed myself to be trapped in the past and more importantly the ways I am setting myself free from them so I can enjoy my future.

Whilst I am acutely aware of my mind games and know that challenge is inevitable, I am also greatly humbled to be who I am today. Today, I turned twenty six, I had breakfast with my mum, went shopping with one of my best mates, had a massage and I am going out for a meal with my family later. My facebook page and phone has been inundated with messages wishing me a happy birthday and acknowledging this turning point for me in my life on this world. It shows that even in my darkest moments, I am not alone. I am a person, battling along like the rest of us in what can sometimes be a hard and challenging environment. This next year, I am full of hope and I am also happy to know that I am finally walking out the wilderness of the past and into the beauty of my adult life. I am a child of God and whatever happens, I will not forget that He is with me every step of the way. This is my time, this is my destiny, this is my life.

Love Always.x