New Year, New Hope

"If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me.  I will be found by you," says the Lord."  (Jeremiah 29:13-14 NLT)

Christmas was wonderful this year. One of the best I have had in many years and in part I believe this was down to my fresh new sobriety at the start of the day. No hangover, no comedown from drugs, I was able to fully appreciate the beauty of being around the people I love and enjoyed every minute of it. I thanked God for the grace He has given me in such a beautiful family and boyfriend and for the first time in years, was able to appreciate the simple act of being together with the ones I love to share in the spirit of Christmas. I cant really believe its all over now, it seems so much to prepare for and all over in a day, but my stress levels have been amazingly low and I have truly benefited from the presence of God during this time.

As its Christmas, my boyfriend is now home for a few weeks so I am also enjoying the time with Him although I had to ask for some 'alone time' today as have felt that I haven’t had much time with God since he has been home. By this, I mean I am used to it just being me, God, my books etc. and I needed to go back to that to get my grounding again. I genuinely miss God now when I don’t get to be around Him in our own private little pow-wow sessions, where we communicate when I am alone in the house. I know His presence is with me wherever I go but I find it easier to feel it and be aware of its beauty when I am alone, so I desperately wanted the time to read some of my new books and just get back to me and my Lord. My wish has been granted and I am now alone, after spending the last few hours reading and speaking with Him, I now felt compelled to write again. One of my main forms of communication between Him and I.

Earlier today I was over my mums enjoying a coffee and we were mulling over the past year and anticipating what the year ahead will hold. My mum and I both want to 'give back' next year through volunteering and we discussed the importance not of career progression, but as my mum puts it, 'seeing the tree's,' the simple beauty of life around you. So it got me thinking about the new year and what else I want to see happen over the coming twelve months, a plan that I usually write out months in advance! Along with the usual save money, lose weight and be more organised, there is a dominant goal that I want to pursue, this year and all the rest of them: To grow more intimate and get to know better my beautiful Lord, Jesus. This is the main one for me, the rest are ones I can plan into my days as the year goes on, but my primary aim is to build on the relationship that has begun to be established between God and I.

I already feel that I have come so close over the past several months and feel that next year is going to be a hugely transformational year for me. God is putting in new desires straight to my heart and I can see the beginning steps of these unfolding as I look at what the next couple of months will be like. Having a deeper and closer relationship with God will undoubtedly cause the other areas in my life that need to change, to shape as the year goes on and those that I have thought were important before will soon fall off the radar. I can feel that shape is a huge word for my next year, He is going to be moulding me for His kingdom and what He intends for me to fulfil on this earth and I eagerly await what this revelation will entail.

As I look back and reflect on the last year, especially after a period of relapsing into the past habits that used to control my life, I am thankful above all that I am sat here today and that I have found God in amidst the darkness of my existence. I was so lost when I started writing this blog, doubtful about my future and unsure if I'd ever really be found. I started my last year in the throes of extreme drug addiction, in a job I loved but a life I hated. I blocked out everything and internalised the hurt and pain I had been dealing with so they made me ill and eventually formed a breakdown that caused my world to stop spinning. In the middle of this attack on my mind, a light was shone in a garden of friends and I was rescued from the pit that I felt would surely engulf me for good. I may have days where the light seems to disappear entirely, I may have relapses where the old me refuses to let go, but I am a different person to the girl that I was twelve months ago. I am closer to my family, cherish the friends and boyfriend I have, am finding out who I really am and finally have found the source that answers all of my questions and beyond that, all of my dreams. I know the next year will have many struggles, after all I am working on the renewal of my mind, no easy task for anyone. But this year I have a new weapon, I have faith and above all that is what has saved me and that is what will allow me to live a life that before I could only dream of. God is good, He loves me and my greatest accomplishment this year was finding Him. From that fountain of hope and love, my life has finally become my own again and I am fighting back against the demons that threatened to destroy me. Thank you Lord, thank you.

Love Always.x

Dreams and Visions

 “And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.”
Joel 2:28 (NIV)

I've had several different prophesies spoken over me in recent months, all have provided words of immense encouragement and spoken deeply within my heart. These words of revelation have been like a key to the unknown resources of my soul and have paired me with the destiny that somehow, I always hoped would be mine. These words have included:

• I will heal people with my words (written and spoken) and hands
• The reason I have gone through all these years of pain and suffering is so that I can help others who have been where I have been. It has been my training period so I can help to heal others.
• I will be strong in both the Word and the Spirit and will hear the voice of God clearly, enabling me to prophesy over others

All the above are revelations imparted from God to other people and told to me. I genuinely believe each and every one but have been confused as to how they affect my immediate present and also my future. But, as I am putting more and more trust in the Lord, He now is downloading revelations into my heart and life that are making the above seem attainable.

Firstly, I have felt a strong urge to return to study and whilst I first thought to do a creative writing course, I am too late to enrol and see this as a sign that this was not the original pathway God had planned. I also felt a deep urge within me to understand health and social care as not only am I directly impacted by it but I am also interested in the impact it has on others. So this course has enough time for me to enrol and seems to be getting the go ahead from God, at least from the voice I hear in my head which I am certain comes from Him. This will allow me to not only understand my own personal experiences but to learn about others and how they are handled and what they have been through which will give me a better grounding in which to help people. I am excited about this coming year because I feel like things are finally starting to make sense now.

In the past I kept having visions of a home in Spain where I looked after people who were experiencing trouble in their lives, mainly in their relationships. In my old diaries I have written about these visions and what the place would  look like and what it would provide to others but it only seemed like a distant dream. God has been putting these visions back in my head and heart and making the end goal easier for me to understand and picture. I now get these visions every day and believe that that is what this part of my life is now leading towards. I am not double minded, therefore I trust in these visions and believe this  is where God is directing me. No, I have no idea how I am to get there, what exactly will be provided and how I will get the resources together to even make this possible, but the vision is clear and I am ecstatic whenever it enters my mind, so I know it is from God and it does, reflecting on the above prophesies, make perfect sense to me. It is a dream that echoes deep within my heart and I now have a focus that I can work towards.

I refuse to doubt the validity of the above vision and I feel that the path I am now on and have been on up until now is leading me to the place I often go to in my head. It was there even before I believed, faint impressions of the life that I was always destined to live and now I know it is His heart that is being reflected onto mine, it makes it seem achievable, destined, real. I will endeavour to battle the storms that come my way because its finally making sense why I had to go through them and why I will have to continue fighting the different aspects that my mental health throws into my mind. I can conquer this because I have a purpose and bit by bit, day by day more is being revealed. Oh the marvellous glory of God.

The dream, the vision is one that resonates deep within me and also seems to make perfect sense. Though as I have said I am unsure of what all the next steps will be towards achieving this, the longing in my heart makes me believe that God will impart these the more I put my hope and trust in only Him. He holds all the answers, I just need to make sure I am positioned to listen to them....

Love Always.x

Old Self Goes

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6  NIV 

Every day I must make a conscious decision to die to my old self and live as Jesus did, by his example, with the teachings He left for us to understand and embrace. This is by no means an easy task, especially as a new believer still unaware of exactly all the attributes that encompass his character. But, saying that, I have at least a basic grasp that love, peace, joy, patience and kindness are amongst the most important character shaping traits that I am expected to choose to operate in, rather than their opposite. This may seem easy enough, but that’s why things are sent to test us, so we can choose to look at them as He would have, rather than the nature of our old self. It is a transformation that bears the fruit of the spirit and it is a life long learning experience, one mountain that I still feel like base camp is my current and seemingly permanent destination.

In recent months anxiety and depression have prevented this journey being an easy one, or a remotely bearable one. My past, my present and my future worries have culminated in me feeling under permanent attack and unsure of which way to turn and which road to take. I am however, learning, each day brings with it a new set of challenges but I find myself rising to them like never before. Yes, some days Ill admit I feel like I am drowning in a sea of endless hopelessness, but in these moments I am learning to focus on the face of my Lord like never before. It takes practice, but when I can, and the anxiety threatens to eat away at another portion of my existence, I focus on His face and remind myself that there is no anxiety in heaven and neither therefore does there really exist any in my new self. Its all about focus. The shift from pain to passion, from fear to hope and ultimately, from me to Him. The good news is, when I can muster up the strength to do this, it does actually work and I am lifted from the pain of the present into the realms of His heavenly presence and it is here I find an unknown source of strength that helps me through another hour.

This journey has surprised me at every step. Its almost a contradiction in terms that at the same time that I am experiencing pain and confusion, clarity is seeping through my mind and threading back the breakage between my spirit and soul, uniting them so each can understand the other and how it works. The ultimate goal is a union of all three parts of me, the spirit, soul and body connection that I have no doubt will come as I work towards an image of greater glory and Christ-likeness in me. I am learning so much each day, that I am probably unaware of the changes that the outside world see happening to the girl that once only struggled to survive, not really understanding the key to what the world would entail. Having faith in God has provided that key, but it comes at a cost. It means saying goodbye to the old self and welcoming in the new, the improved, the more peaceful and I guess, really, the image and likeness of Christ.

I agree that I can be an individual still, I feel it more so now than I ever felt it when I didn’t have God as my focus. Its strange that the closer I get to him, the more I feel like me, and I cant really tell you why. I guess in  part its ridding myself of the baggage that comes with living a life that you know is only there to get you to escape from life. To throw yourself into working and partying may serve to remind you that you are alive but it doesn’t exactly mean you are living, existing seems to be the real benefit here and it came at a cost to both my health and my family, amongst many other factors already discussed before. I am in such a transitional period, that its hard to keep an open mind and reflective stance on exactly how many changes are being made, but I do see some definite ones that deserve attention. My main one being my absolute faith and trust that there is a God, that He did make me and He does love me exactly as I am, no matter what I may have done or sometimes continue to do. I believe in Jesus, the son of God coming to die to save us and the cross and resurrection being the gateway to a new life. I also am desperate for a relationship with Him and find time every day through prayer or reading to dedicate time to this aim. This in itself is a complete contrast to my prior life. Added to that I am so curious about who Jesus was and still remains to be and know for sure that my life is now forever dedicated to finding out that answer. The other changes may not seem so obvious to me at present but I know from other people, that my behaviour has also changed, I may be anxious but there is a peace that seems to surround me, its the  presence of Him.

I didn’t know what to expect when I started out on this journey and I still am unsure of what my future holds. What career will I have, what will my relationships be like, where will I go and who will I be are all questions that haunt me accusingly every day. Its not that I never thought about them before, but the changes I am making now seem to directly impact what the answer to those will be and I am almost desperate to be told in advance about what the rest of this new life will entail and if it indeed will be a happy one.  To be honest, of that query I am almost sure of the answer. This path more than any other I have turned onto before, is the one that makes me believe in the happy ever after that we all so desperately crave. This journey is about just that, the journey and that’s what makes it so exciting, so transforming. Its one that never ends, there is always more to know, more to experience, more to learn, to love, to feel. This has turned out to be the most difficult, confusing and scary choice I have ever made but I am never in any doubt that its the right one. It did more than save me, it gave me life again, it gave me hope and above all, it gave me back the me that I lost all those years ago. I look towards the future with an expectant heart but know that the darkness will inevitably continue to be there for me to face. This time though, I come with the weapons needed to handle it. Onwards I go.

Love Always.x

Down That Road Again

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one." (Matthew 6:13 NIV)

In the last 5 weeks, I’ve relapsed three times. The vices of my past have caught up with me and my willpower has not succeeded in keeping me away from the grip that addiction still has around my neck. I enjoyed all three times and I know that this is not the end of the relapse phase for me, Christmas period proves an especially hard time to stay off the narcotics of my past. Oddly though, this time I feel like I am the one in control, not the cocaine in control of me. Its new territory for me, I was able to stop doing it and go to bed whilst there was still some left in my house, this was a new experience in itself. I am not the same Rebecca, I have changed, I have conquered, but the slipping back into my old self was easier to do than I even thought possible.

Sometimes, well most times lately, I get exhausted with all the thinking that is required to deal with the years of pain I am now expected to trudge through. Those rare occasions of complete sedation from the world have been more than welcome, sorry to say it, but they have. I'm tired of fighting all day, all night every single hour of each and every day. I needed a break and I found it, exactly where I left off all those months ago. Its scary how quickly things can slip back into position if your mind is a willing participant. Telling my family wasn’t easy, but it was necessary, I don’t want this to become an addiction again, I just want to have a break from all the torture that seems to invade me through every waking hour. I don’t expect them to understand, I know how much it hurts them to watch their daughter relapse into the hands of hell again, but this is my battle and I am the one whose got to face it, with or without their approval. I never want to hurt them, but I have got to find the strength for me, or I'll end up back here over and over again. It must be a personal voyage to discover the key to unlock the habit.

On one of the occasions that I was using, I had a profound experience with God and this may sound wrong but he can work through anything. I was feeling unsure of myself and could hear the devil taunting me so I chose to hone in and focus only on God the whole night, to picture Jesus face and to quote scripture as I  went about the night, playing monopoly, engaging in conversation. The whole time, I kept focused on him and the strangest things happened. I won, by a million miles at monopoly and all the card games, I also knew when to stop using and go to bed. The  biggest realisation that night made me see that I could operate doing anything I wanted to and still have Him as my focus no matter what. Not that He would agree with what I am doing, it is sin after all, but my heart was in the right place even if my actions weren’t. I learnt that focusing on Him brings safety to both my mind and body and that it also increases blessings for me. I was calmer, more in control, focused purely on who He is and all he encompasses. More so than I am in my day to day life, it was quite magical but I knew it was because I needed to learn a lesson from it, not to do it again. That I could be happy, blessed and peaceful and that I didn’t need anything except him to provide it. It wasn't because of the drugs that it was of God, it was because I had trained my mind to only focus on Him. I want to be clear that I understand God would never condone me using but He can work miracles through anything, even cocaine. I believe this is true, but then why am I relapsing?

I know the Christmas period will bring its own set of temptations, ones I’m likely to obey, ones to be honest I want to. I sometimes miss the old messed up me, at least part of me was oblivious to the acuteness of the pain I am living in. Now, I have to face reality head on and its no easy task, for anyone. I guess in that respect I’m being a bit of a coward, running back and hiding behind my old coping mechanisms, grasping at the tiny bit of me that I recognise that’s still left. Everything else has changed, gone, being worked through. Its not always easy to have a new identity, even if its better for you, my mind still remembers and misses the old. I'm still trapped. Maybe I always will be, only time and my decisions will tell......

Love Always.x

Give Myself A Break!

"And to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness" (2 Peter 1:6 NIV)

I think sometimes I can be too hard on myself. I am aware that I am striving and I know that is not something God advocates, it is just something built over time within me that tells me I'm not good enough. The problem I have is that instead of enjoying each step of this journey and taking the time to appreciate each new insight, I am rushing onto the next because I am desperate to be filled with more knowledge. Now in theory, there is nothing wrong with being thirsty for God, which I am, but when I cant sit back and appreciate each day the new insights gained from the reading of the many books/Bible/DVDs, then I am robbing myself of the pleasure part of this journey which seems bizarre.

I love love love finding out more about God, Jesus, the Kingdom etc. but my issue is that I want to know it all now, only 7 months into my faith journey. I worry that I don’t know enough and I’m getting it wrong so I am endlessly reading and listening to everything possible to deepen my full understanding of what it means to be a true 'Christian.' Its a vicious circle, so instead of being thankful for the amazing book and new revelations I have just read, I am concerned that there are more areas I do not yet understand so don’t allow myself to marvel in the already amazing lessons I have picked up along the way. Its a bad habit that I know being an avid book reader over the years, has not helped to suppress. Now, I am not saying I want to stop reading or even change the pace of it, I just need to stop the voice in my head that says, 'this is such a tiny step, you'll never fully understand God and your a disappointment to him for your lack of full understanding.' Whilst talking to God and washing the dishes earlier, I realised he wants me to  enjoy each small step of this journey too. Every little move in understanding can and should be celebrated, not brushed to the side as a small nothing. I am on a journey of new life and that doesn’t need to be rushed, but enjoyed for each seemingly small yet beautiful discovery. I may not know as much as someone who has been learning about God for many years but that doesn’t make me any less of a believer, I am just at a different stage of my journey and need to learn to be able to appreciate that. Its not a competition of who knows most, plus we all have different  purposes in God so my path will likely lead me to different places of understanding than others and that’s good because it would be boring if we were all the same.

It all comes down to renewing my mind and learning to listen to Gods voice, those still small thoughts that I am now growing used to hearing, If he isn’t putting pressure on me to know and learn more than the pace at which I am already learning then why do I need to punish myself? I don’t and will make a concerted effort to stop. I think its also important that I take time each week to reflect on how far I have actually come, to read back over my past entries and to see the growth because it is easy to forget who I was when I started out on this journey. I have come a long way and its important that I review and remember just how far I have come and how much I have grown.

Instead of beating myself up because I am scared I do not know enough, I want to start remembering how much I didn’t know and how much my eyes have now been opened to the truth. I know there is still a long way to go, after all this journey will  last a life time so there is no rush. I can continue to be thirsty for the word, for God and for knowledge, but also take time to let the words sink  in, to bask in his presence and to remember that each small step gets me a  little bit closer to that kingdom that I dream about every single day.

Love Always.x

Living In Two Worlds

 "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.(Psalms 119:105 NIV)

I am in a transitional period for sure. I have ultimately decided that the life of God is the life of me, but that’s where the simplicity ends. I am realising as the days, weeks and months go on that it is no easy task to live in the kingdom mindset all the time, in fact, it is the hardest mental challenge I have come up against. After all, I have spent nearly 26 years abiding to the laws of the natural world, not of the heavenly dimensions. Its a difficult shift to make, but one that I am learning to as each day passes.

I can honestly say that I would be free of all mental afflictions, would live happily and peacefully if I could spend all my days focused on God and that is what I am trying to achieve. The only problem there is that I still have to operate in this world and unlike many woman, I am not a great multitasker. Not at all. The more I try to engage in the kingdom mentality, the harder the world wars around me to captivate me to engage in activities which are usually not to my advantage. I have noticed old coping mechanisms of the past start to creep back up to the surface, rotting away the chance I am trying to give myself at genuine happiness and peace. Its exhausting. I am struggling to live in the two worlds and I pray daily for help to accomplish this.

I spent a lot of today reading the Bible and loving every second as I used my lovely pink highlighter to go over the scriptures that touched my heart, of which there were many. In this zone, my mind is calm, my emotions settle down and the anxiety I usually feel, eases off like a heavy winter coat being removed from ones shoulders. But then I had to take my boyfriend into the local town to look for an opticians and back came the anxiety and its lovely friends, anger and impatience. Facing the actual world, is the thing that is making me sick, I no longer feel safe and I also had an argument with my boyfriend about my wishes to have a cross in the living room. This is fair enough, I can see his point, this isn’t his thing, but then why did it upset me so much? I informed him I wanted him to be on board with what I am doing, but he adamantly denies this cooperation and advised me that it was making him unsure of being with me. I know the words were said out of reaction to my seemingly forceful tone to get him to engage in my 'cross' buying expedition, but they stung me because I realised that I have no intention on calming down on my so called obsession with God. I am obsessed and I am happy to admit it and live it out in all its glory. He on the other hand, is seeing what was originally a fun time party girl change into someone who actually cares about more than just work and the weekend. Its a difficult situation and I need to do some thinking and talking between us. This is the man I want to marry and have children with, so at some point we are going to have to compromise.......hopefully not at the expense of my faith.

So, back to the point, I know that I can live a happy life if I just read the Bible, meditated on the word, went to my meetings and absorbed myself fully in God but then how do I make space for the rest of life. Its puzzling me and I am desperate for answers. For which I will pray to God and wait for the next revelation that He can give me. Will keep you updated.

Love Always.x

My Own Revelation From God

Our Father, who art in heaven,hallowed be thy name.Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven..... (Lords Prayer)

 

" Lord help me write the words that you are placing on my heart on here for all to read." I feel full of glory that I can barely type but felt the need to come on here and let my spirit and soul release what is being placed on my heart:

“I am doing the work of many men in you Rebecca. You are growing from strength to strength  but you need to trust me more, you need to believe. There are parts of your heart that you are holding back from me and you know what they are and they need to be unlocked. I wont hurt you or fail you so please learn to listen to the rhythm of your heart as it beats in tune with mine. You are truly blessed, a beautiful child with much hope and glory placed upon you. Others see it, so you can believe it too. It is me working through you, it is to my glory that your beauty shines to others and to you. You are a child of mine and I adore you and want us to get closer and to have a fuller relationship. Trust in me Rebecca,  for your life is in safe hands and in a safe heart. You are blessed with the seer anointing, fresh perspective on the world around you, that is  your gift to the world.. You will move strongly in the prophetic and others will see you as a gateway to the kingdom. All the riches of Christ are yours, just take the final step away from your old self and welcome your new self home to my heart and my Kingdom.  It is where you belong, child of God, of greatness of hope and glory. You are blessed because I have blessed you and you are saved because I have saved you. Believe in me, believe in you and together the changes you are so desperate to make can be made. In love always.”

Wow, I am shaking, I am being poured on, I am basking in the glory of Gods revelation to me. I typed above as I heard the words coming into my heart and will read this back before I  post it. That’s all I can type, I need to go and lie down and let the words of the Lord wash over me. He has spoken to me just now with such clarity, it has literally shook the very core of my being. This is what living with faith is like. The powers of the supernatural, the powers of my new reality. I am bathed in heavenly glory and proud to say my name is Rebecca and I am a child of the most high, the glorious God, My Father who art in heaven.......

Love Always.x 

Reading And The Real Me

 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 NIV)

I'm learning to listen to God, to be guided by Him, to be inspired by knowledge where by He seems to be speaking to me, mainly at the moment through the books He helps direct me to, in shops or online to deal with the particular area He wants me to work on next. Currently, this seems to be my ability to pray, a subject and an action that I am not exactly confident about. This may seem bizarre for someone who talks as much as me, but I find I do not know exactly what I am supposed to be saying, how often, how long for and how to position myself so that prayer time can be, well, good I suppose.

So, whilst doing some Christmas shopping with my lovely boyfriend on the weekend I felt compelled to go into a book store and found a book called 'Finding Sanctuary.' A book based on a reality TV series about people who went to spend time living in a monastery and ways to bring these principles into every day life. So I bought it and have started reading it today, with great success. Again I feel God had guided me to this book store to find this book as it has helped to answer some of the many questions I had around the prayer subject.

The most important part of wanting to listen to God was for me to be sure that it is his voice I am actually hearing and to learn to discern this when I am feeling low. The demons in my mind can sometimes play tricks on me and I wanted to make sure that this was not happening when I feel I am getting divine encounters. The main key to doing this according to the book is by first finding silent time in each day........actual silence. I am not scared of silence, so long as I can be filling my head with the knowledge from a book or documentary but actual silence does intimidate me a  lot. It creates an open gap for my mind to freely dislodge all its rather irritating and negative thought patterns and I prefer not to indulge in this more than absolute necessary. So maybe silence does scare me. Until, I read that this can be started off with 5 minutes a day and can be practised whilst reading out a part of scripture in my mind, over and over so that my mind can at least have a focus, a positive one. So this I shall be trying to engage over the next few days. Just 5 minutes in the morning and 5 in the evening, focusing on a particular short scripture and listening for God to speak back. I will be waiting and ready as I feel I always am trying to be at the moment, for that inner still voice that I know could only be His.

I realise that I may write many disheartened blog entries, but this is my diary and I do aim to be honest so this is why sometimes everything seems so sour, because I genuinely feel it. But I have become acutely aware this weekend of the subtle changes that have been made within me over the past few months. Mainly in recent days I have noticed how whenever I can I return my focus to God, claiming I love him and Him me with an everlasting love. I find myself doing it whilst even sat in traffic, a gentle reminder that I can step out of the constraints of the natural world and engage in heavenly activity wherever I happen to be. I can choose at any time to be stressed, which in all honestly, at present, often wins, but whenever I can I consciously choose to turn my focus to Jesus and think about him instead. This is new for me. Usually I seem to engage for as long as possible in the dwelling place of anger and  paranoia but I am learning that focusing on Him alleviates that pain somewhat and I not only feel calmer, but I genuinely feel I have been in His presence, well, because I have. Its small steps but its making an affect that no counsellors or other medical teams have yet been successful at implementing. No other mindfulness tricks and tips have seemed to work in the past but focusing on God does seem to do that, its amazing really. Focusing on his goodness, by default increases the feeling of my own.

Another point that was made in the book was about the contemplative and meditative act of reading, not just of the bible but of other relevant books. I definately agree with this one. For me personally at least, I feel that God speaks to me through the books I choose to read, I am engaged with the word, seeking wisdom on Him and often am  privileged to enter then into contemplative prayer where I have conversations with Him about the points that seem to jump off the page and into my heart. I had began to think that all my reading was detracting attention away from focusing on him, but it is the stage I am at and I feel that God directs me to certain books to help aid me at this point of my journey and I love that. As time goes on, the silence, the focused prayer and learning to listen to him more intently will come, but to give myself credit, I am learning a lot and feel that the books he leads me to are the way He wants me to be engaging with him at present.

As my journey continues on, I find myself not only getting to know God better, but also getting to know who I am better as well. I didn’t originally think that this was possible. In the beginning I was concerned that I would lose myself and become some sort of mindless clone, following a book that told people to behave in a way that denied them freedom of expression but the exact opposite is happening. Somehow, through getting closer to God, the real me is having the confidence to emerge and the framework that the dedicated reading and study time is providing, is helping me to embrace who I am more so than ever before. I am strangely becoming who I always knew I was, but was too scared to really be. By finding faith, I have found my original self, no masks, no games, just me, the way I was created to be. It is why the journey is so hard, its uncharted territory for me, but it is an amazing pathway and although I am aware that the strength of the demons seem to grow in their desperation to keep me away from the truth, so does my desire to conquer them. I am growing beyond the boundaries that life on this earth tells us we need to be kept behind and searching out the path less travelled in my own wilderness. Its a choice I make every day and its a decision that I never really knew would lead me right back to where I was when I was first born, the real, unique human that is me. Onwards I go!

Love Always.x

Healing And Anxiety

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7 NIV)

Its been a strange few days, both a blessing and a curse, so to speak. My anxiety attacks have been ferociously eating away at any remnants of  positivity left in my soul and are threatening to turn me truly insane. This medication is changing me into a scared hermit of a mess and I am losing the will to carry on at times. I feel trapped in my mind and no sedatives, no worldly and most shockingly and upsetting of all, Godly things seem to be breaking the anxiety spell. Its infuriating.

On a positive note, on Tuesday I had an amazing day with my sister, browsing the local charity shops, getting fit walking up an enormous hill (to unfit me, not to my sister!)and  using the new fat burner machine: Flabuloss. I wont go into much more detail about this miracle piece of equipment, all I will say is I found I have muscles I didn’t even know existed working inside of me. A very entertaining machine! So, the day was beautiful, spent time with my nephews too and generally savoured the beauty of the close relationship that my breakdown has birthed between me and my sister, my best friend, again. I also attended Zumba classes later that day with my mum, which was hysterical more than anything else. We had such a laugh even though we could barely keep up with the others, it was just good to be out the house and enjoying each others company, so all in all a great relational day for me.

In the night time I then went to have some healing done with my mentors Anja and Vin and this is where I think the anxiety attacks have flared up again from. Now to be clear, what happened in their house helped me immensely, more so now as the days go on, than I ever could have imagined. But the process of delving into my pain to allow Jesus to release me from it, raised a couple of sleeping demonic spirits that now don’t want to leave. The night allowed me to face up to a particular issue of abuse in my past that I had been troubled by for years and although I feel no desire to go into the details, I can only say it has caused me great distress and has had a hold over me for longer than I care to remember. As Anja led me through the healing process of pinning it to the cross, of saying my feelings and forgiving those who hurt me and forgiving myself, I screamed out as the darkness came ricocheting out of my body. Within me a storm brewed and erupted and in it all, I saw myself walk with Jesus in the garden of my soul as I realised there and then that I had allowed him to take that burden from me. He had freed me from the pain of that moment and in recent days the images that have haunted me for years have waned off. It was a deeply moving moment and as the healing continued I had a vision of me resting my hand on a tree in the garden and Jesus resting his on top of it and looking at me straight in the eye. I was fully present in the midst of the beautiful garden of my soul and it was breathtaking.

We then did communion and called the spirits of paranoia and low self worth into the throne room courts and asked God to remove them from me over and over again. I had visions of darkness being blasted with light and was left both lighter and equally surprised at the ease with which they went. Anja and Vin have began a healing process that I believe will save my life.

Yesterday after the most peaceful sleep I had had in weeks, I woke up into my own personal hell hole. I spent the day in shock, anxious and unable to move or get myself out of my desperately unhappy situation. Though healing had taken place, many familiar spirits of the past had refused to move on and were working their evil thoughts over my mind and emotions. I tried to resist by stepping back into the garden with Jesus but the enemy won over and I was paralysed with fear as I tried with all my might to focus on just breathing. This is no easy road, this is the next stage of my journey, the depression first, now the waking up and realisation of where I have been has caused anxiety to ripple through my veins and catch me off guard. I am tormented by worries of the future but amazingly, the very thing I asked to be healed has created a massive shift internally. It has left me, it has no hold over me anymore and I believe that Jesus has fully allowed me to heal in that area. But there is so much more to work through. So much more to deal with and whilst I am aware that this is a journey, so  the anxiety will eventually pass, I am still terrified about facing up to the other parts of my past that I am still yet to let go of.

I will continue to document my progress, sorry if it seems scattered but so do I seem to feel it. I am not really with it or have been in the past few weeks but I still carry my sword of faith and hope for the bright future that I know will be mine. I just want to learn to rest in God more, to trust and to get rid of the doubting that I know is stopping me from walking fully in faith. One day at a time.....

Love Always.x

Its Takes Faith To Understand

"One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple." (Psalm 27:4 NIV)

John Crowder writes that 'The pleasure of God is the very essence of the Gospel' and I believe that this statement is completely true, but not always so easy to remember! In his book 'The Ecstasy Of Loving God' which I have returned to today as felt like I needed some more supernatural charging, speaks of the fact that happiness will lead you to God and we as believers can and are meant to experience divine pleasure and abundant relationship with Him....all the time. Its what I heard the wonderful Patricia king talk about but it's amazing how easy I have found myself sinking into a bit of a religious mindset in recent days. As you would be able to see from my recent blog entries, I started worrying I wasn’t doing enough, studying enough, understanding enough to really be a part of Gods kingdom, but I've got it all wrong. I am a part of the Kingdom, I just need to remind myself of it more frequently, through spirit not just mind. In other words, faith is the key, not understanding. Initially at least.

I am amazed at how easy it is to slip into striving mode, to go back into the mind controlled zone from which I came where I thought everything had to be understood by the mind before it can be truly understood and embraced in the spirit. But God is different, I already know within my spirit all I will ever need to know, but its also fine if I want to bring my mind up to date with it too. The problem is when I begin relying on my minds understanding to release me into the kingdom, that is already mine to enter, deep academic knowledge or not! Its not about mind understanding, its about spirit understanding and embracing it wholeheartedly with just that, my heart. My head will eventually catch up but I have got to stop trying so hard to academically understand and rely more on my spirit and the guidance of the holy spirit to show me the way.

I would love to spend my life living here on earth but with my senses fully engaged in heaven and no matter how many books I read or seminars I go to, my western mindset might not fully ever be able to understand how that is possible. But the thing is, deep inside of me I know it to be true. I know its why I spent years searching for the elation that I have been fortunate to experience in the glory, but previous only found in street drugs and alcohol. Inside of me I have always yearned for something more, and now I've found it, I’m trying to make too much sense of it. Its weird that sometimes you have to  learn to rely on your inner knowledge, that gut instinct, that God place, rather than the way your mind works. After all,we are bombarded daily with images from the media which tell you to work hard and play harder and that enlightenment is to be found in external factors not from something within yourself and within a supernatural world that we naturally belong to. No wonder my mind is in such a muddle!

Its mad to me that I never read into the different types of street drugs available or their desired and not so desired effects before, during or after taking them. I put my trust fully in them because I knew from watching media and stories from other people about their effects that I could reach that level too. But now, now there is something really positive, something I can embrace fully for the rest of my life, I am trying to academically weigh it up in my mind, thinking understanding is the way to enlightenment rather than faith. It is faith that will enable me to live in the glory, the divine, the ecstatic. It is faith that will catapult me into the world I dream of living in and it is faith that will provide the framework for rebuilding the rest of my life in a way that is perfect and pleasing not just to God, but as a bonus, to me as well.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with me researching, reading, answering workbook questions, that’s me, that’s the way God wired me, I have a thirst and a passion for these very things. But it is about being careful about what I am choosing to absorb and not worrying when my carnal mind doesn’t fully understand the beauty of what I am reading. I am more than happy to read the Bible every day, that remains the most important book to read and will propel me into more glory and understanding than any other book out there, but I will be careful to make sure the other books I read are more about experience than the striving, the glory not the guilt, so I can tap into that part of my spirit that opens a portal of understanding for my soul and body to catch up. It is hard at times to think outside of what I have/we westerners have, been programmed to think like, but I am happy to rise to the challenge. After all, the glory is mine and yours alike, so lets get enjoying it!

Love Always.x

Time To Celebrate - A God Send

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:4 NIV)

I wonder sometimes if I am scared of being stable, of being cured, of being happy. I often wonder why the closer I get to happiness the more I seem to reject it and find myself craving the way of my old life again. In recent days and weeks I have considered going back to the old me, the one that was free of the brutality of facing up to the reality of who I truly am and what that entails. No disguises can be worn in the kingdom of God, its just you as you are and because I don't see myself as good, I guess I never truly feel like I'll fit in. I'm worried I'll always be an outsider. High self esteem is a character trait I do not yet possess.

I went to a conference Friday night with an inspirational speaker called John Scotland and the worship there was so beautiful, you could literally feel heaven invading the room. I was aware of it happening but my mind was vicious that  night and I felt under constant attack from acute self hatred and paranoia. When I am in that mode, it is so difficult for me to escape it and I start to project my insecurities onto others, imagining them looking at me and hating me, finding me a pathetic fake person who has no real beauty. It is in this dark and desperate hole that I feed the battered soul of mine that is desperate to come out and shine. It was one of the most difficult worship sessions I have experienced but I did persevere. All I kept asking to God over and over in my head was to help me. 'To please help me Lord, free me of the bondages of this pain and let me walk with you in glory.' I did feel the grip of paranoia loosen slightly but the night was different, I realised there that my demons had not yet left the building.

So, yesterday I went charity shopping with my mum and uncle, which cheered me up a lot and focused on finding God related books, of which I found nine! The day restored me back to some degree of health and I sat down in the evening to read the book which seemed to be jumping out at me and enticing me in. The name of this book is 'The Heavenly Party' by Michelle Guinness and now quarter of the way through it, I can honestly say it has been the help I asked God to give me. I believe the Holy Spirit led me to find this particular book, He knew I needed it. It is amazing and it has completely changed my feelings on wanting to go back and party with the illegal loves of my life and reminded me to embrace the glory of God in fullness once more. The book talks of celebrating our history, the Old Testament and the New, our rich heritage and the fact that we too are becoming part of that woven fabric of Gods journey with man. It opened up new portals of understanding for me to be able to relate to Jesus as a friend, rather than just the distant figure I have lately been accustomed to thinking He is. Mostly, it has made me realise that no matter how low and disgusting I feel, God is always there on His throne smiling down on me reminding me to be happy for all my cares can be put on the cross, I am free, if I would only believe.

I know I have days where these revelations come thick and fast and make me more positive and the next entry I write I seem back at square one, but that is the nature of my journey with God. I sometimes wonder if the strong medication I am on is more of a hindrance than a help, but then I realise God can work through anything. Yes there are ups and downs, but He is preparing me for my ministry on this earth and things seem to be falling into place in a way that is making me realise the pattern of my own fabric of life. That book was literally a God send, it was placed there for me to remember that I do not need to run back to the old me, that moving forwards is the best direction no matter how hard that may seem and to celebrate in  both the good and the bad times because I am a child of God, which is an occasion in itself.

I could absolutely feel in recent days my carnal nature creeping back in, the thoughts of my bitter and often twisted mind starting to control my feelings and actions and I felt lost and found, day in day out. It is a roller-coaster and I am sure it will continue to be, but God is speaking to me. This time He spoke to me through a fantastic book that dealt with the issues I am facing now. I’ve underlined the parts where I felt Gods voice was speaking directly into my heart and I will elaborate on these in future entries. But for now, I am going to go back to this useful tool he has given me and keep focused on the joy, not the pain of growing into who he intended me to be. I get closer every day, even when I don’t feel like it, He is always there, I am always changing. Forward is the way, its the way already carved out for me, I just need to take stock and live each moment with love in my heart and joy in my character. Its his way. Its an occasion to be alive in his love. All I need to do is believe.

Love Always.x

Put On The Armour Of Faith

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me...." (Psalm 28:7 NIV)

Anxiety is the devils newest weapon to keep me living in a state of permanent unhappiness and nauseating instability. It seems depression is not enough, God has been shining his light on to this sore area so the Devil has now decided that a frequent onslaught of anxiety attacks and anxious thoughts is the way to stop me moving forward. He's very clever you know. Anxiety is horrible, its a permanent state of unease where nothing satisfies the wandering mind and restless body, so your thoughts are left to feast on the parts of you that you detest. I have been engaged in this activity for most of last night and today and it really is proving difficult to move on from.

The verbal attacks in my mind range from how useless I am, how lost I feel to thinking I have no idea who I am anymore and why I am here at all. Days spent in the happiness of Gods presence were whittled down to mere blips of happiness on the sadness horizon and I even began to doubt that God is finding me very much use at the moment. To destroy my sense of survival is the function and desire of the enemy. To make me weak, to make  me resort back to my old ways of stewing in my unhappiness so that eventually I turn my back on the pain and welcome myself back  into the world of drink, drugs and separation. He is doing an outstanding job, in fact, the devil is one hell of a guy to have on your team, his persistence beats them all. All that is except God.

Out of the blue, Martin phoned me a couple of hours ago and I explained I was feeling lost and felt that I wasn’t doing enough to make God happy, that I wasn't serving people enough, that I was still just horrible old me. His words were a great comfort to me as he reminded me that this was the devil using religious beliefs to make me feel guilty. He emphasised that I am already perfect in Gods eyes and that He knows I am doing all I can to get closer to Him, I just need to be more patient with  myself. A skill, I admit, is not exactly well honed in my character. I felt the bondage of my own disapproval of myself ease and realised that what Martin was saying was true. I have come a long way in only 6 or so months and I have changed more than I give myself credit for. There’s still a lot to do, but God already knows all that and he’s just pleased I've come to him now. I left the conversation feeling like a huge load had been lifted.

The last couple of hours I have been reading Ephesians and wrote down the parts that I felt God wanted me to focus on more. I love Ephesians, its like a handy guidebook on life and I loved reading how I can make sure I remain focused and living like Christ, especially when the enemy sneaks in to my thoughts. It made me realise that no matter how low I am feeling and how many negative thoughts are attacking me, I have only got to pick up the Bible and all the answers and remedies I need are in there. I do not need to be confused, everything I need to know about life and how to handle it is written in his word and with Gods guidance, he will lead me to where I need to go to seek the solutions I need. I particularly loved this part:

Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV):

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armour of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Wow! That gave me a lot of comfort. Sometimes life is very confusing and we do not know where to turn, but if we just step into the word that God has given us, we can come through anything. The Bible is like a collection of all the self help books ever written, just in one big compilation and with only one source rather than a million different authors. You wont find anything in there that hasn’t been changed and attempted to be 're-sold' as a new theory, that isn’t already in the best book of how to live your life. So, when the enemy tries to come, in put on that suit of armour........He doesn’t stand a chance!

Love Always.x

Eyes That See

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people." (Ephesians 1:18)

I have continued my quest for bookworm of the year award winner by completely finishing my new book: The Spiritual Revolution', (as mentioned yesterday) in only two days! I devoured it as only a true thirsty child of God can and now feel at a loss, so have decided that for the books I use to actually stay with me, I should at least discuss how I felt about what I was reading and while I was reading them. The thing is, I love books, they are my true passion and in this walk with God they provide excellent tools for me to understand deeper what it means to be a part of His kingdom. In fact, since this whole new world opened up to me back all those months ago, I have read over 20 different books around the same theme, God. Many have similar views, some are varied, but none that I have yet read have given completely different messages, which is a good sign. Patricia Kings books are more geared towards the supernatural realms and that is where I choose to focus my studies, as well as on his Word and presence.

The supernatural has always fascinated me. Never feeling like I fitted in was some what comforted when I was in my teens by the knowing of a presence that seemed to stay around me all the time. I felt strangely protected when crying on my bed, knowing that I was being watched, soothed even though I couldn’t always sense what was there. On some occasions I could see pale shimmers of white light moving around my room, sometimes touching me, sometimes just passing by and I was never scared of these particular spirits. I began to assume they were my angels and the testimonies to me being alive after being in many life threatening situations (both intentional and not) seem proof that my guardian angel has never been far away.

As I begin to understand more about the supernatural realms, things in my life and mind are clicking into place. Its like knowledge I already knew, just was too scared to delve deeper, fearing it would further distance me from a world I so desperately wanted to fit into. Now though, I am proud to see that all the visions I've had, including vivid pictures of places and experiences within  my imagination, were my gifts that God has blessed me with. An amazing and deeply inspirational lady called Jane who I met recently at several of the events I go to, told me the other week that I am a 'seer.' For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, it basically means someone who has visions, both open (eyes open) and eyes closed, plus can also have transces etc. in/into the supernatural realm. I just tried finding a better description of this on Patricia Kings page(xpmedia) and the first video that came up for me to view just made me cry with astonishment. Please please view it, it couldn’t be more relevant to what I have already started talking about: http://www.xpmedia.com/YxEIFlW8JAcX.

Wow. This is what I mean when I say that I believe in God. I swear that I had written up to describing the seer, till I searched for its description. The fact that she just gave me a revelation on what I was talking about, out of all the websites and all the videos I could have picked, this is a sure sign to me that God wants me to use this gift more. I am honestly stunned that I just saw this. Thank you Jesus. This is my life and you are changing it from the inside out. I was that girl who saw things, people did tell me it was just my imagination. Of all the things for me to write about today, I chose this and was given revelation on it. My God is a good God and He knows me and is speaking to me all the time. That message has fortified in me the belief that I can see into the supernatural, a gifting that has been growing in recent months again, back like when I was a teenager. I truly believe that revelation was for me and it came at just the right time. Wow. Thank you Jesus. The revelation was so right, I used to be very aware of both good and evil and that stayed with me as I have grown up too. I felt like there was a constant battle for my soul and I had powers that could discern both good and bad. People just thought I was strange or it was a part of my illness, but this has given me more comfort than you could possibly understand. I am meant to be like this, I am meant to have seen things, I am a seer. Thank you Lord.

The last time I went to spirit school the seer gift was working in me, where I saw a vision of me (closed eye) standing in a dress covered in diamonds on a staircase and when I looked down, Jesus was staring up at me. I then turned to look up the stairway and all I could see was the brightest light shining down on top of me and the full power of its beauty and force actually floored me. My body, not in the vision, in reality, dropped to the floor and I gripped on as floods of peace and love washed through my veins. I was almost paralysed as I realised I was being bathed in the light that shone before me. I was being bathed in  love and I was powerless to do anything but accept its healing effect on my mind. No bad thoughts could enter, no fear was around me, I was enveloped in an atmosphere of light and love and understood again what it meant to be loved by my creator. Later on that night, while engaging in worship, the Lord did the same again and for the second time that night, I was floored and felt my body step  into the heavenly realms and all I could do was accept the love being poured out on me. It was magnificent and even though my human understanding cant fully comprehend how it happened, I am not dismissing it. I was there, I felt it, I saw it and I believed. I do believe and God believes in me.

That revelation feels like a key that has gone into my heart and accelerated me into more glory. The books I have read, the DVD’s I have watched are merely tools for me to deepen my understanding, but when the real deal steps in, you know about it. I know about it. I am truly blessed and I am learning more and more how to enter the place that this whole blog began for, it is my time to step in and engage in the glory realm. Glory to God.

Love Always.x

Faith And Freedom

Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace." (Luke 7:50 NIV)

My commitment to focusing only on positivity, meaning God, since my confusing outburst on my blog entry yesterday has deepened my faith in me beyond recognition. There is no room for confusion and pain in His kingdom and the longer I spend learning about Him, being aware of Him and His Word, the more I feel the dark clouds of doom lift from above me. It isn’t easy, living life without my usual selection of disguises has proven to be the hardest road I think I'll ever climb, but it has had its benefits. Many of them in fact.

My book 'The spiritual revolution' by Patricia King arrived today and after my anxious morning, just being me, I settled down to gain some more insights on what is going on in my life at the moment. I can already see how much I am growing in faith as her words no longer surprised me, just deepened my understanding to new levels. It seems that when my focus is on only the Lord, the Devil struggles to invade my mind as frequently as he would like and I relish the break from the permanent attack on my thoughts and emotions. I still don't fully understand everything yet and doubt I ever will, but the learning process is making me appreciate the reason I got here in the first place. I was truly broken, my soul was being led in directions that could only end in death, not just meaning physical, but the more obvious death of who I was, who I am intended to be. I struggled for years, reading books, watching programmes, people watching but feeling nothing ever seemed to give me any answers to why I stayed trapped behind a wall of fear and anger. I was lost and in the end I only wanted to get more lost, feeling the final goodbyes to myself more vivid everyday.

The point I am at now, is that the crushing reality of moving out slowly from behind the wall is not initially making me better. In some respects, I feel much worse. The attacks on my mind now deeply affect me on more than just a surface level as I have no weapons of vodka etc to attack them with. The daily dose of devil humour on my disillusioned idealism of myself, drops into a well almost spilling over with the pain that it has carried for too long. But and this is a big but, I do not feel like I am dying anymore. I feel like a survivor. A very troubled and distressed one yes, but a survivor none the less. I am still breathing and more than that, I still want to be. Finding God for me was like stumbling on the best cake shop you could ever find and knowing that no other place will give you the same satisfaction ever again. I've tasted the truth, the real eternal truth and I know that for the rest of my life, the search for the source is over. The master baker has been revealed and I can't get enough of Him.

To many people, this won't make any sense. Even my boyfriend threw in the suggestion that due to my depression, maybe I was more susceptible to all 'this.' Maybe the experiences of Gods presence I have had that have shook both me and my human understanding to the core were nothing more than a form of clever brainwashing. He is not the first person to suggest this to me. Many people have thought that with no drugs for me to dig my nose into, I was looking for an answer and was coaxed into believing some made up story that would get me through. To be honest, I have had the doubts myself too in the beginning. When you want happiness so desperately, of course a taster of it, means you will go head strong into finding more, but this is different. This is so far from brainwashing, it makes brainwashing look like a casual suggestion to engage in an activity such as breathing. What I have found, is a truth that makes me understand that the previous part of my life, was the bit that was in the dark. Before God, I searched for answers everywhere and I have always been dark and depressed, this time was no different from any other, only this time, God intervened.

I am strong minded but also open to new ideas and anything which will cause the pain inside to cease is a good thing for me to try and to recommend to others. I had thought of the God solution before, but I wasn’t ready, I don’t think I really wanted to know the truth, I don’t think many people do. If we all starting being who we are and stepped out of the constraints media and our society put on us, we'd be living in a different world. The world that I am starting to discover really does exist. The truth is that love prevails and inside every single person, they know that to be true, the person who advocates this, who teaches it, who made it, is God. When like me, you find it, the true answer to why you are you and how wonderful that actually is, you'll start seeing the endless possibilities that this truth entails. No more bondages, no more ties to a life that doesn’t really feel like yours. No striving, no paranoia, just acceptance, love and courage. That world is our world, we have just been blinded by our carnal natures and when the truth does come, we run, for fear that who we are wont be good enough. It is, you are and so am I.

The more I learn the more I realise that nothing else would ever have saved me. We all know that truth is the only way to ever live peacefully, lies only add confusion and build a world that is terrified to stare themselves in the mirror for fear they will see how hidden they'v let themselves become. I still have days, most days where I want to hide, I am being honest, I am not in the all clear yet, but I believe with every ounce of my being that I am finally freed from the games that living in this world entail. Its a great risk, the biggest you'll ever take but I promise you, its the one that will find who you are again and not only that, but you'll like it too and the pain of pretending, the years of striving and searching will be over, for glory will be upon you as it shines upon me. Its all starting to make sense to me, this is where I am meant to be, this is the place from which I can grow and this is the place from which the world I live in is seen through the eyes of truth I was always meant to see them through. I can only hope, that you would be brave enough to take the risk too.

Love Always.x

Confusion Or Growth?

 "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace ... "(1 Corinthians 14:33 NKJV)

I am currently reading 'The Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren, a book that requires you read a new chapter each day, bringing you closer to understanding who God is and His purpose for your life. I am enjoying the book and have been committed aside from the past two days, to following his every day reading advice. The last three days my boyfriend has been home, and I have been basking in the delight of his presence, so have chosen to make my focus him, rather than the growth in the other areas of my life. But, he has now gone out to see his family so I picked the book up again, feeling the need for some guidance and read the chapter on being transformed by our troubles. In a nutshell, its about how God uses our suffering to build our characters so we can be transformed more into the likeness of Christ and it certainly rang true with me.

The last few days since finishing the glory school DVD's, I have been confused and distracted. I feel like a body just walking around, not really engaging with life, just watching it happening it around me. Whilst I have loved every moment spent with my amazing and supportive boyfriend, I still felt like there was a hole in me, something missing. It doesn’t make any sense. Life, compared to how I lived it before, is finally starting to sort itself out. My dad, who like the rest of my family, provides unlimited support and love for me, came down and helped me this weekend to sort out the financial mess I had managed to dig myself into. Whilst I am happy to finally be getting back on track with the realities of this world, I can't help the niggling feeling that never goes away. It tells me on and on that I am not of this world, that these earthly things no matter how much organisation and success I give to them, will never make me truly happy. Its not a new thought, I've had it all my life. Its like being born on the wrong planet, no matter how many ways I learn to fit in, inside I know its all just make believe. I am never meant to fit in.

Finding God, or Him finding me, has dulled this feeling somewhat in most recent days. I find that in His words, in the books I read about Him and on my encounters with Him, I finally feel like I belong to a world that isn’t made up of striving and disguises. But here on earth, I have to attempt to live between the two worlds of current reality and ultimate truth. The best part of this world I can physically see, is my beautiful family and boyfriend, and that’s what keeps me fighting to hold my head above water, to not suffocate under the immense pressure I feel the moment I open my eyes to when they shut at the end of the day. I am unsure of how I can continue on sometimes, as if the next breath is finally going to cause my chest to cave in and I will no longer be able to cope with the reality of the life that surrounds me, the life that is me.

Its difficult for me to explain myself today. I feel out of sorts, a mess sprawled on the canvas of life, waiting for an answer that still seems to elude me. Some days I positively glow, feeling I have finally found the answer, like I was never meant to understand myself until now. But now I am beginning to find out who I am, its scaring me, I don’t know this girl, I forgot about her and she is much more vulnerable than the masked me. I could cry with confusion and doubt but the tears have dried, no more emotions seem to be able to be released from their pouring. I am left almost paralysed by my current state of mind, angst, anxiety and a lethal dose of depression that wont shift.

I try to focus on the chapter of the book, that the pain and suffering is merely character growth, but its nigh on impossible when growth feels like grip. The icy grip of worry that will not leave me alone and waits to prey on me the minute I shift my entire focus from the Lord. Its like staring at the sun then looking back and being blinded for several minutes, only those minutes have turned into years for me. I want the sun more, but the goodness it promises and delivers is so foreign I almost crave the dark inner recesses of my mind to comfort me again. Its a game of good and evil and today I know which one is winning.

My mind has to focus on something more positive than my current situation so I will try with all my might to look at the reason I am apparently enduring this suffering. If Jesus could go through it all, then so can I. Its about shifting my mind from pain to passion, from hurt to hope and remembering that if He can do it, if anyone can do it, then so can I. Its not enough for me to read the words and study the message if I can't apply it in real life, so here goes. For the rest of tonight I am making a conscious decision to let only good invade, I hope it works. I pray that it does and I believe in what I pray. I have to.

Love Always.x

Anxiety Follows Glory

 But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

I am anxious, in knots, pacing back and forth in a state of frenzy. In the last hour I have attempted to read, watch TV and clean and have failed miserably at all. I am thrust into a state that seems hell bent on keeping me trapped within the realm of time and confusion and it is stressing me out a great deal. Mainly because I can't understand where it has come from. My day has been lovely, I have been with my sister most of the day, initially organising her kitchen cupboards, which I loved and then some quality time with my good spiritual friends this afternoon. Though the anxiety was there, it was more of a niggle than a full blown affliction on my mind. But stepping foot through my door, the suffocation of being me returned once more.

I am wondering if the anxiety is because I received a copy of another letter sent to my psychiatrist from work requesting how long he thinks my recovery will take as I have asked for a career break to mend my broken soul. This does worry me, I am concerned that I will be advised I should be shipped back to work and carry on as if everything is fine and my life will return to the hell hole from which it came. How can you put a time on recovery? I am working with over twenty years of pain and hiding, so how many months or years do the 'professionals' assess that the battle will be over in. I am worried that I will  be sent back to the world of disguises and partying, unable to have dealt with the full extent of my breakdown and will be expected to continue on as if the broken me never really gave herself a chance to recover.

Maybe, as per usual, I am over thinking the situation. Realistically, it is clear for anyone who knows me to see that I am no longer able to live a day without the deep feelings of hatred finding some way to seep out and force me into a panic room situation. I know that in these instances, I need to put my trust in God, but my mind seems stronger than my spirit when I start fretting, reliving, worrying and the rest of the wonderful emotions that my mind hurls out at my soul with ferocious speed. I am worrying because I can and because in my head, no worry means peace and as lovely as that state is, its a foreign one to the girl inside of me. I am almost clinging to the remnants of the path that led me here in the first place, still unaware that to make any real changes, I need to focus on changing the harmful thought patterns of my mind. It just isn’t that easy.

I am surprised at my sudden extreme dip in mood as the last few days have been relatively ok. I credit that entirely to the wonderful Patricia King and the glory school DVDs I have been absorbed in for the last week. 16 chapters and I have written 123 A4 pages of notes, I have been a student of the supernatural and have loved every minute. I have been spending at least twelve hours a day doing it so my focus has remained on God and his love, so my anxious mind was given an opportunity to breath finally. As I was writing out the notes, which I did as I don't take in information just from watching/hearing it, I was conscious each day to ask God to make sure I was doing it out of my desire for relationship with him, rather than as part of my obsessive nature. The lack of hand cramp and the ability to understand her wonderful teaching, confirmed that the desire was being fulfilled.

The notes will now add as a backdrop to my next area of study, where I will use each subject as a springboard to guide me through the deepened levels of understanding I can have and to watch my relationship with my creator flourish. I have always loved to read and to get knowledge and for the first time ever, it feels like I can actually use the teachings I have learnt, in my every day life. For so many years I read self help books and never managed to apply the principles, feeling there was a missing key, The glory school, had all the missing keys and more. I am changed, renewed and deepened in faith because all the questions I had about life, coping, growing, have all been answered and the source has remained the same, God of course.

My head is still spinning with the revelations and the beauty of what my soul understanding has been absorbing, but I know that I now have the right grounding for me to move on in my relationship with God as I have a better basis from which to understand what is happening to me and why. Not even just that, it gave me scope to understand what has also been happening in my life up to this point, what my trials meant and why I haven’t healed yet. What my gifts are and how I can use them for good instead of hiding them for fear of being ridiculed or failing. She has planted a seed within me that I will continue to water under the steady hand of God so I too can be one of his children as I was intended to be.

Why then, am I back to the lost girl of the past? Clearly the internal cleansing has not reached all corners, especially the deep dark recesses of my tortured mind. I am also sure the medication is not helping, but I am willing to try all avenues to keep my evil thoughts at bay. Now the thoughts zoom into feelings much quicker than before and I am floored by the spilling out of my anxiety and restlessness into the atmosphere around me. Oh life, please start making some sort of sense. Please.

Love Always.x