Faith And Freedom

Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace." (Luke 7:50 NIV)

My commitment to focusing only on positivity, meaning God, since my confusing outburst on my blog entry yesterday has deepened my faith in me beyond recognition. There is no room for confusion and pain in His kingdom and the longer I spend learning about Him, being aware of Him and His Word, the more I feel the dark clouds of doom lift from above me. It isn’t easy, living life without my usual selection of disguises has proven to be the hardest road I think I'll ever climb, but it has had its benefits. Many of them in fact.

My book 'The spiritual revolution' by Patricia King arrived today and after my anxious morning, just being me, I settled down to gain some more insights on what is going on in my life at the moment. I can already see how much I am growing in faith as her words no longer surprised me, just deepened my understanding to new levels. It seems that when my focus is on only the Lord, the Devil struggles to invade my mind as frequently as he would like and I relish the break from the permanent attack on my thoughts and emotions. I still don't fully understand everything yet and doubt I ever will, but the learning process is making me appreciate the reason I got here in the first place. I was truly broken, my soul was being led in directions that could only end in death, not just meaning physical, but the more obvious death of who I was, who I am intended to be. I struggled for years, reading books, watching programmes, people watching but feeling nothing ever seemed to give me any answers to why I stayed trapped behind a wall of fear and anger. I was lost and in the end I only wanted to get more lost, feeling the final goodbyes to myself more vivid everyday.

The point I am at now, is that the crushing reality of moving out slowly from behind the wall is not initially making me better. In some respects, I feel much worse. The attacks on my mind now deeply affect me on more than just a surface level as I have no weapons of vodka etc to attack them with. The daily dose of devil humour on my disillusioned idealism of myself, drops into a well almost spilling over with the pain that it has carried for too long. But and this is a big but, I do not feel like I am dying anymore. I feel like a survivor. A very troubled and distressed one yes, but a survivor none the less. I am still breathing and more than that, I still want to be. Finding God for me was like stumbling on the best cake shop you could ever find and knowing that no other place will give you the same satisfaction ever again. I've tasted the truth, the real eternal truth and I know that for the rest of my life, the search for the source is over. The master baker has been revealed and I can't get enough of Him.

To many people, this won't make any sense. Even my boyfriend threw in the suggestion that due to my depression, maybe I was more susceptible to all 'this.' Maybe the experiences of Gods presence I have had that have shook both me and my human understanding to the core were nothing more than a form of clever brainwashing. He is not the first person to suggest this to me. Many people have thought that with no drugs for me to dig my nose into, I was looking for an answer and was coaxed into believing some made up story that would get me through. To be honest, I have had the doubts myself too in the beginning. When you want happiness so desperately, of course a taster of it, means you will go head strong into finding more, but this is different. This is so far from brainwashing, it makes brainwashing look like a casual suggestion to engage in an activity such as breathing. What I have found, is a truth that makes me understand that the previous part of my life, was the bit that was in the dark. Before God, I searched for answers everywhere and I have always been dark and depressed, this time was no different from any other, only this time, God intervened.

I am strong minded but also open to new ideas and anything which will cause the pain inside to cease is a good thing for me to try and to recommend to others. I had thought of the God solution before, but I wasn’t ready, I don’t think I really wanted to know the truth, I don’t think many people do. If we all starting being who we are and stepped out of the constraints media and our society put on us, we'd be living in a different world. The world that I am starting to discover really does exist. The truth is that love prevails and inside every single person, they know that to be true, the person who advocates this, who teaches it, who made it, is God. When like me, you find it, the true answer to why you are you and how wonderful that actually is, you'll start seeing the endless possibilities that this truth entails. No more bondages, no more ties to a life that doesn’t really feel like yours. No striving, no paranoia, just acceptance, love and courage. That world is our world, we have just been blinded by our carnal natures and when the truth does come, we run, for fear that who we are wont be good enough. It is, you are and so am I.

The more I learn the more I realise that nothing else would ever have saved me. We all know that truth is the only way to ever live peacefully, lies only add confusion and build a world that is terrified to stare themselves in the mirror for fear they will see how hidden they'v let themselves become. I still have days, most days where I want to hide, I am being honest, I am not in the all clear yet, but I believe with every ounce of my being that I am finally freed from the games that living in this world entail. Its a great risk, the biggest you'll ever take but I promise you, its the one that will find who you are again and not only that, but you'll like it too and the pain of pretending, the years of striving and searching will be over, for glory will be upon you as it shines upon me. Its all starting to make sense to me, this is where I am meant to be, this is the place from which I can grow and this is the place from which the world I live in is seen through the eyes of truth I was always meant to see them through. I can only hope, that you would be brave enough to take the risk too.

Love Always.x