But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)
I am anxious, in knots, pacing back and forth in a state of frenzy. In the last hour I have attempted to read, watch TV and clean and have failed miserably at all. I am thrust into a state that seems hell bent on keeping me trapped within the realm of time and confusion and it is stressing me out a great deal. Mainly because I can't understand where it has come from. My day has been lovely, I have been with my sister most of the day, initially organising her kitchen cupboards, which I loved and then some quality time with my good spiritual friends this afternoon. Though the anxiety was there, it was more of a niggle than a full blown affliction on my mind. But stepping foot through my door, the suffocation of being me returned once more.
I am wondering if the anxiety is because I received a copy of another letter sent to my psychiatrist from work requesting how long he thinks my recovery will take as I have asked for a career break to mend my broken soul. This does worry me, I am concerned that I will be advised I should be shipped back to work and carry on as if everything is fine and my life will return to the hell hole from which it came. How can you put a time on recovery? I am working with over twenty years of pain and hiding, so how many months or years do the 'professionals' assess that the battle will be over in. I am worried that I will be sent back to the world of disguises and partying, unable to have dealt with the full extent of my breakdown and will be expected to continue on as if the broken me never really gave herself a chance to recover.
Maybe, as per usual, I am over thinking the situation. Realistically, it is clear for anyone who knows me to see that I am no longer able to live a day without the deep feelings of hatred finding some way to seep out and force me into a panic room situation. I know that in these instances, I need to put my trust in God, but my mind seems stronger than my spirit when I start fretting, reliving, worrying and the rest of the wonderful emotions that my mind hurls out at my soul with ferocious speed. I am worrying because I can and because in my head, no worry means peace and as lovely as that state is, its a foreign one to the girl inside of me. I am almost clinging to the remnants of the path that led me here in the first place, still unaware that to make any real changes, I need to focus on changing the harmful thought patterns of my mind. It just isn’t that easy.
I am surprised at my sudden extreme dip in mood as the last few days have been relatively ok. I credit that entirely to the wonderful Patricia King and the glory school DVDs I have been absorbed in for the last week. 16 chapters and I have written 123 A4 pages of notes, I have been a student of the supernatural and have loved every minute. I have been spending at least twelve hours a day doing it so my focus has remained on God and his love, so my anxious mind was given an opportunity to breath finally. As I was writing out the notes, which I did as I don't take in information just from watching/hearing it, I was conscious each day to ask God to make sure I was doing it out of my desire for relationship with him, rather than as part of my obsessive nature. The lack of hand cramp and the ability to understand her wonderful teaching, confirmed that the desire was being fulfilled.
The notes will now add as a backdrop to my next area of study, where I will use each subject as a springboard to guide me through the deepened levels of understanding I can have and to watch my relationship with my creator flourish. I have always loved to read and to get knowledge and for the first time ever, it feels like I can actually use the teachings I have learnt, in my every day life. For so many years I read self help books and never managed to apply the principles, feeling there was a missing key, The glory school, had all the missing keys and more. I am changed, renewed and deepened in faith because all the questions I had about life, coping, growing, have all been answered and the source has remained the same, God of course.
My head is still spinning with the revelations and the beauty of what my soul understanding has been absorbing, but I know that I now have the right grounding for me to move on in my relationship with God as I have a better basis from which to understand what is happening to me and why. Not even just that, it gave me scope to understand what has also been happening in my life up to this point, what my trials meant and why I haven’t healed yet. What my gifts are and how I can use them for good instead of hiding them for fear of being ridiculed or failing. She has planted a seed within me that I will continue to water under the steady hand of God so I too can be one of his children as I was intended to be.
Why then, am I back to the lost girl of the past? Clearly the internal cleansing has not reached all corners, especially the deep dark recesses of my tortured mind. I am also sure the medication is not helping, but I am willing to try all avenues to keep my evil thoughts at bay. Now the thoughts zoom into feelings much quicker than before and I am floored by the spilling out of my anxiety and restlessness into the atmosphere around me. Oh life, please start making some sort of sense. Please.
Love Always.x
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