Healing And Anxiety

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7 NIV)

Its been a strange few days, both a blessing and a curse, so to speak. My anxiety attacks have been ferociously eating away at any remnants of  positivity left in my soul and are threatening to turn me truly insane. This medication is changing me into a scared hermit of a mess and I am losing the will to carry on at times. I feel trapped in my mind and no sedatives, no worldly and most shockingly and upsetting of all, Godly things seem to be breaking the anxiety spell. Its infuriating.

On a positive note, on Tuesday I had an amazing day with my sister, browsing the local charity shops, getting fit walking up an enormous hill (to unfit me, not to my sister!)and  using the new fat burner machine: Flabuloss. I wont go into much more detail about this miracle piece of equipment, all I will say is I found I have muscles I didn’t even know existed working inside of me. A very entertaining machine! So, the day was beautiful, spent time with my nephews too and generally savoured the beauty of the close relationship that my breakdown has birthed between me and my sister, my best friend, again. I also attended Zumba classes later that day with my mum, which was hysterical more than anything else. We had such a laugh even though we could barely keep up with the others, it was just good to be out the house and enjoying each others company, so all in all a great relational day for me.

In the night time I then went to have some healing done with my mentors Anja and Vin and this is where I think the anxiety attacks have flared up again from. Now to be clear, what happened in their house helped me immensely, more so now as the days go on, than I ever could have imagined. But the process of delving into my pain to allow Jesus to release me from it, raised a couple of sleeping demonic spirits that now don’t want to leave. The night allowed me to face up to a particular issue of abuse in my past that I had been troubled by for years and although I feel no desire to go into the details, I can only say it has caused me great distress and has had a hold over me for longer than I care to remember. As Anja led me through the healing process of pinning it to the cross, of saying my feelings and forgiving those who hurt me and forgiving myself, I screamed out as the darkness came ricocheting out of my body. Within me a storm brewed and erupted and in it all, I saw myself walk with Jesus in the garden of my soul as I realised there and then that I had allowed him to take that burden from me. He had freed me from the pain of that moment and in recent days the images that have haunted me for years have waned off. It was a deeply moving moment and as the healing continued I had a vision of me resting my hand on a tree in the garden and Jesus resting his on top of it and looking at me straight in the eye. I was fully present in the midst of the beautiful garden of my soul and it was breathtaking.

We then did communion and called the spirits of paranoia and low self worth into the throne room courts and asked God to remove them from me over and over again. I had visions of darkness being blasted with light and was left both lighter and equally surprised at the ease with which they went. Anja and Vin have began a healing process that I believe will save my life.

Yesterday after the most peaceful sleep I had had in weeks, I woke up into my own personal hell hole. I spent the day in shock, anxious and unable to move or get myself out of my desperately unhappy situation. Though healing had taken place, many familiar spirits of the past had refused to move on and were working their evil thoughts over my mind and emotions. I tried to resist by stepping back into the garden with Jesus but the enemy won over and I was paralysed with fear as I tried with all my might to focus on just breathing. This is no easy road, this is the next stage of my journey, the depression first, now the waking up and realisation of where I have been has caused anxiety to ripple through my veins and catch me off guard. I am tormented by worries of the future but amazingly, the very thing I asked to be healed has created a massive shift internally. It has left me, it has no hold over me anymore and I believe that Jesus has fully allowed me to heal in that area. But there is so much more to work through. So much more to deal with and whilst I am aware that this is a journey, so  the anxiety will eventually pass, I am still terrified about facing up to the other parts of my past that I am still yet to let go of.

I will continue to document my progress, sorry if it seems scattered but so do I seem to feel it. I am not really with it or have been in the past few weeks but I still carry my sword of faith and hope for the bright future that I know will be mine. I just want to learn to rest in God more, to trust and to get rid of the doubting that I know is stopping me from walking fully in faith. One day at a time.....

Love Always.x