Time To Celebrate - A God Send

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:4 NIV)

I wonder sometimes if I am scared of being stable, of being cured, of being happy. I often wonder why the closer I get to happiness the more I seem to reject it and find myself craving the way of my old life again. In recent days and weeks I have considered going back to the old me, the one that was free of the brutality of facing up to the reality of who I truly am and what that entails. No disguises can be worn in the kingdom of God, its just you as you are and because I don't see myself as good, I guess I never truly feel like I'll fit in. I'm worried I'll always be an outsider. High self esteem is a character trait I do not yet possess.

I went to a conference Friday night with an inspirational speaker called John Scotland and the worship there was so beautiful, you could literally feel heaven invading the room. I was aware of it happening but my mind was vicious that  night and I felt under constant attack from acute self hatred and paranoia. When I am in that mode, it is so difficult for me to escape it and I start to project my insecurities onto others, imagining them looking at me and hating me, finding me a pathetic fake person who has no real beauty. It is in this dark and desperate hole that I feed the battered soul of mine that is desperate to come out and shine. It was one of the most difficult worship sessions I have experienced but I did persevere. All I kept asking to God over and over in my head was to help me. 'To please help me Lord, free me of the bondages of this pain and let me walk with you in glory.' I did feel the grip of paranoia loosen slightly but the night was different, I realised there that my demons had not yet left the building.

So, yesterday I went charity shopping with my mum and uncle, which cheered me up a lot and focused on finding God related books, of which I found nine! The day restored me back to some degree of health and I sat down in the evening to read the book which seemed to be jumping out at me and enticing me in. The name of this book is 'The Heavenly Party' by Michelle Guinness and now quarter of the way through it, I can honestly say it has been the help I asked God to give me. I believe the Holy Spirit led me to find this particular book, He knew I needed it. It is amazing and it has completely changed my feelings on wanting to go back and party with the illegal loves of my life and reminded me to embrace the glory of God in fullness once more. The book talks of celebrating our history, the Old Testament and the New, our rich heritage and the fact that we too are becoming part of that woven fabric of Gods journey with man. It opened up new portals of understanding for me to be able to relate to Jesus as a friend, rather than just the distant figure I have lately been accustomed to thinking He is. Mostly, it has made me realise that no matter how low and disgusting I feel, God is always there on His throne smiling down on me reminding me to be happy for all my cares can be put on the cross, I am free, if I would only believe.

I know I have days where these revelations come thick and fast and make me more positive and the next entry I write I seem back at square one, but that is the nature of my journey with God. I sometimes wonder if the strong medication I am on is more of a hindrance than a help, but then I realise God can work through anything. Yes there are ups and downs, but He is preparing me for my ministry on this earth and things seem to be falling into place in a way that is making me realise the pattern of my own fabric of life. That book was literally a God send, it was placed there for me to remember that I do not need to run back to the old me, that moving forwards is the best direction no matter how hard that may seem and to celebrate in  both the good and the bad times because I am a child of God, which is an occasion in itself.

I could absolutely feel in recent days my carnal nature creeping back in, the thoughts of my bitter and often twisted mind starting to control my feelings and actions and I felt lost and found, day in day out. It is a roller-coaster and I am sure it will continue to be, but God is speaking to me. This time He spoke to me through a fantastic book that dealt with the issues I am facing now. I’ve underlined the parts where I felt Gods voice was speaking directly into my heart and I will elaborate on these in future entries. But for now, I am going to go back to this useful tool he has given me and keep focused on the joy, not the pain of growing into who he intended me to be. I get closer every day, even when I don’t feel like it, He is always there, I am always changing. Forward is the way, its the way already carved out for me, I just need to take stock and live each moment with love in my heart and joy in my character. Its his way. Its an occasion to be alive in his love. All I need to do is believe.

Love Always.x