"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me...." (Psalm 28:7 NIV)
Anxiety is the devils newest weapon to keep me living in a state of permanent unhappiness and nauseating instability. It seems depression is not enough, God has been shining his light on to this sore area so the Devil has now decided that a frequent onslaught of anxiety attacks and anxious thoughts is the way to stop me moving forward. He's very clever you know. Anxiety is horrible, its a permanent state of unease where nothing satisfies the wandering mind and restless body, so your thoughts are left to feast on the parts of you that you detest. I have been engaged in this activity for most of last night and today and it really is proving difficult to move on from.
The verbal attacks in my mind range from how useless I am, how lost I feel to thinking I have no idea who I am anymore and why I am here at all. Days spent in the happiness of Gods presence were whittled down to mere blips of happiness on the sadness horizon and I even began to doubt that God is finding me very much use at the moment. To destroy my sense of survival is the function and desire of the enemy. To make me weak, to make me resort back to my old ways of stewing in my unhappiness so that eventually I turn my back on the pain and welcome myself back into the world of drink, drugs and separation. He is doing an outstanding job, in fact, the devil is one hell of a guy to have on your team, his persistence beats them all. All that is except God.
Out of the blue, Martin phoned me a couple of hours ago and I explained I was feeling lost and felt that I wasn’t doing enough to make God happy, that I wasn't serving people enough, that I was still just horrible old me. His words were a great comfort to me as he reminded me that this was the devil using religious beliefs to make me feel guilty. He emphasised that I am already perfect in Gods eyes and that He knows I am doing all I can to get closer to Him, I just need to be more patient with myself. A skill, I admit, is not exactly well honed in my character. I felt the bondage of my own disapproval of myself ease and realised that what Martin was saying was true. I have come a long way in only 6 or so months and I have changed more than I give myself credit for. There’s still a lot to do, but God already knows all that and he’s just pleased I've come to him now. I left the conversation feeling like a huge load had been lifted.
The last couple of hours I have been reading Ephesians and wrote down the parts that I felt God wanted me to focus on more. I love Ephesians, its like a handy guidebook on life and I loved reading how I can make sure I remain focused and living like Christ, especially when the enemy sneaks in to my thoughts. It made me realise that no matter how low I am feeling and how many negative thoughts are attacking me, I have only got to pick up the Bible and all the answers and remedies I need are in there. I do not need to be confused, everything I need to know about life and how to handle it is written in his word and with Gods guidance, he will lead me to where I need to go to seek the solutions I need. I particularly loved this part:
Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV):
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armour of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Wow! That gave me a lot of comfort. Sometimes life is very confusing and we do not know where to turn, but if we just step into the word that God has given us, we can come through anything. The Bible is like a collection of all the self help books ever written, just in one big compilation and with only one source rather than a million different authors. You wont find anything in there that hasn’t been changed and attempted to be 're-sold' as a new theory, that isn’t already in the best book of how to live your life. So, when the enemy tries to come, in put on that suit of armour........He doesn’t stand a chance!
Love Always.x
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