New Year, New Hope

"If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me.  I will be found by you," says the Lord."  (Jeremiah 29:13-14 NLT)

Christmas was wonderful this year. One of the best I have had in many years and in part I believe this was down to my fresh new sobriety at the start of the day. No hangover, no comedown from drugs, I was able to fully appreciate the beauty of being around the people I love and enjoyed every minute of it. I thanked God for the grace He has given me in such a beautiful family and boyfriend and for the first time in years, was able to appreciate the simple act of being together with the ones I love to share in the spirit of Christmas. I cant really believe its all over now, it seems so much to prepare for and all over in a day, but my stress levels have been amazingly low and I have truly benefited from the presence of God during this time.

As its Christmas, my boyfriend is now home for a few weeks so I am also enjoying the time with Him although I had to ask for some 'alone time' today as have felt that I haven’t had much time with God since he has been home. By this, I mean I am used to it just being me, God, my books etc. and I needed to go back to that to get my grounding again. I genuinely miss God now when I don’t get to be around Him in our own private little pow-wow sessions, where we communicate when I am alone in the house. I know His presence is with me wherever I go but I find it easier to feel it and be aware of its beauty when I am alone, so I desperately wanted the time to read some of my new books and just get back to me and my Lord. My wish has been granted and I am now alone, after spending the last few hours reading and speaking with Him, I now felt compelled to write again. One of my main forms of communication between Him and I.

Earlier today I was over my mums enjoying a coffee and we were mulling over the past year and anticipating what the year ahead will hold. My mum and I both want to 'give back' next year through volunteering and we discussed the importance not of career progression, but as my mum puts it, 'seeing the tree's,' the simple beauty of life around you. So it got me thinking about the new year and what else I want to see happen over the coming twelve months, a plan that I usually write out months in advance! Along with the usual save money, lose weight and be more organised, there is a dominant goal that I want to pursue, this year and all the rest of them: To grow more intimate and get to know better my beautiful Lord, Jesus. This is the main one for me, the rest are ones I can plan into my days as the year goes on, but my primary aim is to build on the relationship that has begun to be established between God and I.

I already feel that I have come so close over the past several months and feel that next year is going to be a hugely transformational year for me. God is putting in new desires straight to my heart and I can see the beginning steps of these unfolding as I look at what the next couple of months will be like. Having a deeper and closer relationship with God will undoubtedly cause the other areas in my life that need to change, to shape as the year goes on and those that I have thought were important before will soon fall off the radar. I can feel that shape is a huge word for my next year, He is going to be moulding me for His kingdom and what He intends for me to fulfil on this earth and I eagerly await what this revelation will entail.

As I look back and reflect on the last year, especially after a period of relapsing into the past habits that used to control my life, I am thankful above all that I am sat here today and that I have found God in amidst the darkness of my existence. I was so lost when I started writing this blog, doubtful about my future and unsure if I'd ever really be found. I started my last year in the throes of extreme drug addiction, in a job I loved but a life I hated. I blocked out everything and internalised the hurt and pain I had been dealing with so they made me ill and eventually formed a breakdown that caused my world to stop spinning. In the middle of this attack on my mind, a light was shone in a garden of friends and I was rescued from the pit that I felt would surely engulf me for good. I may have days where the light seems to disappear entirely, I may have relapses where the old me refuses to let go, but I am a different person to the girl that I was twelve months ago. I am closer to my family, cherish the friends and boyfriend I have, am finding out who I really am and finally have found the source that answers all of my questions and beyond that, all of my dreams. I know the next year will have many struggles, after all I am working on the renewal of my mind, no easy task for anyone. But this year I have a new weapon, I have faith and above all that is what has saved me and that is what will allow me to live a life that before I could only dream of. God is good, He loves me and my greatest accomplishment this year was finding Him. From that fountain of hope and love, my life has finally become my own again and I am fighting back against the demons that threatened to destroy me. Thank you Lord, thank you.

Love Always.x

Dreams and Visions

 “And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions.”
Joel 2:28 (NIV)

I've had several different prophesies spoken over me in recent months, all have provided words of immense encouragement and spoken deeply within my heart. These words of revelation have been like a key to the unknown resources of my soul and have paired me with the destiny that somehow, I always hoped would be mine. These words have included:

• I will heal people with my words (written and spoken) and hands
• The reason I have gone through all these years of pain and suffering is so that I can help others who have been where I have been. It has been my training period so I can help to heal others.
• I will be strong in both the Word and the Spirit and will hear the voice of God clearly, enabling me to prophesy over others

All the above are revelations imparted from God to other people and told to me. I genuinely believe each and every one but have been confused as to how they affect my immediate present and also my future. But, as I am putting more and more trust in the Lord, He now is downloading revelations into my heart and life that are making the above seem attainable.

Firstly, I have felt a strong urge to return to study and whilst I first thought to do a creative writing course, I am too late to enrol and see this as a sign that this was not the original pathway God had planned. I also felt a deep urge within me to understand health and social care as not only am I directly impacted by it but I am also interested in the impact it has on others. So this course has enough time for me to enrol and seems to be getting the go ahead from God, at least from the voice I hear in my head which I am certain comes from Him. This will allow me to not only understand my own personal experiences but to learn about others and how they are handled and what they have been through which will give me a better grounding in which to help people. I am excited about this coming year because I feel like things are finally starting to make sense now.

In the past I kept having visions of a home in Spain where I looked after people who were experiencing trouble in their lives, mainly in their relationships. In my old diaries I have written about these visions and what the place would  look like and what it would provide to others but it only seemed like a distant dream. God has been putting these visions back in my head and heart and making the end goal easier for me to understand and picture. I now get these visions every day and believe that that is what this part of my life is now leading towards. I am not double minded, therefore I trust in these visions and believe this  is where God is directing me. No, I have no idea how I am to get there, what exactly will be provided and how I will get the resources together to even make this possible, but the vision is clear and I am ecstatic whenever it enters my mind, so I know it is from God and it does, reflecting on the above prophesies, make perfect sense to me. It is a dream that echoes deep within my heart and I now have a focus that I can work towards.

I refuse to doubt the validity of the above vision and I feel that the path I am now on and have been on up until now is leading me to the place I often go to in my head. It was there even before I believed, faint impressions of the life that I was always destined to live and now I know it is His heart that is being reflected onto mine, it makes it seem achievable, destined, real. I will endeavour to battle the storms that come my way because its finally making sense why I had to go through them and why I will have to continue fighting the different aspects that my mental health throws into my mind. I can conquer this because I have a purpose and bit by bit, day by day more is being revealed. Oh the marvellous glory of God.

The dream, the vision is one that resonates deep within me and also seems to make perfect sense. Though as I have said I am unsure of what all the next steps will be towards achieving this, the longing in my heart makes me believe that God will impart these the more I put my hope and trust in only Him. He holds all the answers, I just need to make sure I am positioned to listen to them....

Love Always.x

Old Self Goes

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6  NIV 

Every day I must make a conscious decision to die to my old self and live as Jesus did, by his example, with the teachings He left for us to understand and embrace. This is by no means an easy task, especially as a new believer still unaware of exactly all the attributes that encompass his character. But, saying that, I have at least a basic grasp that love, peace, joy, patience and kindness are amongst the most important character shaping traits that I am expected to choose to operate in, rather than their opposite. This may seem easy enough, but that’s why things are sent to test us, so we can choose to look at them as He would have, rather than the nature of our old self. It is a transformation that bears the fruit of the spirit and it is a life long learning experience, one mountain that I still feel like base camp is my current and seemingly permanent destination.

In recent months anxiety and depression have prevented this journey being an easy one, or a remotely bearable one. My past, my present and my future worries have culminated in me feeling under permanent attack and unsure of which way to turn and which road to take. I am however, learning, each day brings with it a new set of challenges but I find myself rising to them like never before. Yes, some days Ill admit I feel like I am drowning in a sea of endless hopelessness, but in these moments I am learning to focus on the face of my Lord like never before. It takes practice, but when I can, and the anxiety threatens to eat away at another portion of my existence, I focus on His face and remind myself that there is no anxiety in heaven and neither therefore does there really exist any in my new self. Its all about focus. The shift from pain to passion, from fear to hope and ultimately, from me to Him. The good news is, when I can muster up the strength to do this, it does actually work and I am lifted from the pain of the present into the realms of His heavenly presence and it is here I find an unknown source of strength that helps me through another hour.

This journey has surprised me at every step. Its almost a contradiction in terms that at the same time that I am experiencing pain and confusion, clarity is seeping through my mind and threading back the breakage between my spirit and soul, uniting them so each can understand the other and how it works. The ultimate goal is a union of all three parts of me, the spirit, soul and body connection that I have no doubt will come as I work towards an image of greater glory and Christ-likeness in me. I am learning so much each day, that I am probably unaware of the changes that the outside world see happening to the girl that once only struggled to survive, not really understanding the key to what the world would entail. Having faith in God has provided that key, but it comes at a cost. It means saying goodbye to the old self and welcoming in the new, the improved, the more peaceful and I guess, really, the image and likeness of Christ.

I agree that I can be an individual still, I feel it more so now than I ever felt it when I didn’t have God as my focus. Its strange that the closer I get to him, the more I feel like me, and I cant really tell you why. I guess in  part its ridding myself of the baggage that comes with living a life that you know is only there to get you to escape from life. To throw yourself into working and partying may serve to remind you that you are alive but it doesn’t exactly mean you are living, existing seems to be the real benefit here and it came at a cost to both my health and my family, amongst many other factors already discussed before. I am in such a transitional period, that its hard to keep an open mind and reflective stance on exactly how many changes are being made, but I do see some definite ones that deserve attention. My main one being my absolute faith and trust that there is a God, that He did make me and He does love me exactly as I am, no matter what I may have done or sometimes continue to do. I believe in Jesus, the son of God coming to die to save us and the cross and resurrection being the gateway to a new life. I also am desperate for a relationship with Him and find time every day through prayer or reading to dedicate time to this aim. This in itself is a complete contrast to my prior life. Added to that I am so curious about who Jesus was and still remains to be and know for sure that my life is now forever dedicated to finding out that answer. The other changes may not seem so obvious to me at present but I know from other people, that my behaviour has also changed, I may be anxious but there is a peace that seems to surround me, its the  presence of Him.

I didn’t know what to expect when I started out on this journey and I still am unsure of what my future holds. What career will I have, what will my relationships be like, where will I go and who will I be are all questions that haunt me accusingly every day. Its not that I never thought about them before, but the changes I am making now seem to directly impact what the answer to those will be and I am almost desperate to be told in advance about what the rest of this new life will entail and if it indeed will be a happy one.  To be honest, of that query I am almost sure of the answer. This path more than any other I have turned onto before, is the one that makes me believe in the happy ever after that we all so desperately crave. This journey is about just that, the journey and that’s what makes it so exciting, so transforming. Its one that never ends, there is always more to know, more to experience, more to learn, to love, to feel. This has turned out to be the most difficult, confusing and scary choice I have ever made but I am never in any doubt that its the right one. It did more than save me, it gave me life again, it gave me hope and above all, it gave me back the me that I lost all those years ago. I look towards the future with an expectant heart but know that the darkness will inevitably continue to be there for me to face. This time though, I come with the weapons needed to handle it. Onwards I go.

Love Always.x

Down That Road Again

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one." (Matthew 6:13 NIV)

In the last 5 weeks, I’ve relapsed three times. The vices of my past have caught up with me and my willpower has not succeeded in keeping me away from the grip that addiction still has around my neck. I enjoyed all three times and I know that this is not the end of the relapse phase for me, Christmas period proves an especially hard time to stay off the narcotics of my past. Oddly though, this time I feel like I am the one in control, not the cocaine in control of me. Its new territory for me, I was able to stop doing it and go to bed whilst there was still some left in my house, this was a new experience in itself. I am not the same Rebecca, I have changed, I have conquered, but the slipping back into my old self was easier to do than I even thought possible.

Sometimes, well most times lately, I get exhausted with all the thinking that is required to deal with the years of pain I am now expected to trudge through. Those rare occasions of complete sedation from the world have been more than welcome, sorry to say it, but they have. I'm tired of fighting all day, all night every single hour of each and every day. I needed a break and I found it, exactly where I left off all those months ago. Its scary how quickly things can slip back into position if your mind is a willing participant. Telling my family wasn’t easy, but it was necessary, I don’t want this to become an addiction again, I just want to have a break from all the torture that seems to invade me through every waking hour. I don’t expect them to understand, I know how much it hurts them to watch their daughter relapse into the hands of hell again, but this is my battle and I am the one whose got to face it, with or without their approval. I never want to hurt them, but I have got to find the strength for me, or I'll end up back here over and over again. It must be a personal voyage to discover the key to unlock the habit.

On one of the occasions that I was using, I had a profound experience with God and this may sound wrong but he can work through anything. I was feeling unsure of myself and could hear the devil taunting me so I chose to hone in and focus only on God the whole night, to picture Jesus face and to quote scripture as I  went about the night, playing monopoly, engaging in conversation. The whole time, I kept focused on him and the strangest things happened. I won, by a million miles at monopoly and all the card games, I also knew when to stop using and go to bed. The  biggest realisation that night made me see that I could operate doing anything I wanted to and still have Him as my focus no matter what. Not that He would agree with what I am doing, it is sin after all, but my heart was in the right place even if my actions weren’t. I learnt that focusing on Him brings safety to both my mind and body and that it also increases blessings for me. I was calmer, more in control, focused purely on who He is and all he encompasses. More so than I am in my day to day life, it was quite magical but I knew it was because I needed to learn a lesson from it, not to do it again. That I could be happy, blessed and peaceful and that I didn’t need anything except him to provide it. It wasn't because of the drugs that it was of God, it was because I had trained my mind to only focus on Him. I want to be clear that I understand God would never condone me using but He can work miracles through anything, even cocaine. I believe this is true, but then why am I relapsing?

I know the Christmas period will bring its own set of temptations, ones I’m likely to obey, ones to be honest I want to. I sometimes miss the old messed up me, at least part of me was oblivious to the acuteness of the pain I am living in. Now, I have to face reality head on and its no easy task, for anyone. I guess in that respect I’m being a bit of a coward, running back and hiding behind my old coping mechanisms, grasping at the tiny bit of me that I recognise that’s still left. Everything else has changed, gone, being worked through. Its not always easy to have a new identity, even if its better for you, my mind still remembers and misses the old. I'm still trapped. Maybe I always will be, only time and my decisions will tell......

Love Always.x

Give Myself A Break!

"And to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness" (2 Peter 1:6 NIV)

I think sometimes I can be too hard on myself. I am aware that I am striving and I know that is not something God advocates, it is just something built over time within me that tells me I'm not good enough. The problem I have is that instead of enjoying each step of this journey and taking the time to appreciate each new insight, I am rushing onto the next because I am desperate to be filled with more knowledge. Now in theory, there is nothing wrong with being thirsty for God, which I am, but when I cant sit back and appreciate each day the new insights gained from the reading of the many books/Bible/DVDs, then I am robbing myself of the pleasure part of this journey which seems bizarre.

I love love love finding out more about God, Jesus, the Kingdom etc. but my issue is that I want to know it all now, only 7 months into my faith journey. I worry that I don’t know enough and I’m getting it wrong so I am endlessly reading and listening to everything possible to deepen my full understanding of what it means to be a true 'Christian.' Its a vicious circle, so instead of being thankful for the amazing book and new revelations I have just read, I am concerned that there are more areas I do not yet understand so don’t allow myself to marvel in the already amazing lessons I have picked up along the way. Its a bad habit that I know being an avid book reader over the years, has not helped to suppress. Now, I am not saying I want to stop reading or even change the pace of it, I just need to stop the voice in my head that says, 'this is such a tiny step, you'll never fully understand God and your a disappointment to him for your lack of full understanding.' Whilst talking to God and washing the dishes earlier, I realised he wants me to  enjoy each small step of this journey too. Every little move in understanding can and should be celebrated, not brushed to the side as a small nothing. I am on a journey of new life and that doesn’t need to be rushed, but enjoyed for each seemingly small yet beautiful discovery. I may not know as much as someone who has been learning about God for many years but that doesn’t make me any less of a believer, I am just at a different stage of my journey and need to learn to be able to appreciate that. Its not a competition of who knows most, plus we all have different  purposes in God so my path will likely lead me to different places of understanding than others and that’s good because it would be boring if we were all the same.

It all comes down to renewing my mind and learning to listen to Gods voice, those still small thoughts that I am now growing used to hearing, If he isn’t putting pressure on me to know and learn more than the pace at which I am already learning then why do I need to punish myself? I don’t and will make a concerted effort to stop. I think its also important that I take time each week to reflect on how far I have actually come, to read back over my past entries and to see the growth because it is easy to forget who I was when I started out on this journey. I have come a long way and its important that I review and remember just how far I have come and how much I have grown.

Instead of beating myself up because I am scared I do not know enough, I want to start remembering how much I didn’t know and how much my eyes have now been opened to the truth. I know there is still a long way to go, after all this journey will  last a life time so there is no rush. I can continue to be thirsty for the word, for God and for knowledge, but also take time to let the words sink  in, to bask in his presence and to remember that each small step gets me a  little bit closer to that kingdom that I dream about every single day.

Love Always.x

Living In Two Worlds

 "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.(Psalms 119:105 NIV)

I am in a transitional period for sure. I have ultimately decided that the life of God is the life of me, but that’s where the simplicity ends. I am realising as the days, weeks and months go on that it is no easy task to live in the kingdom mindset all the time, in fact, it is the hardest mental challenge I have come up against. After all, I have spent nearly 26 years abiding to the laws of the natural world, not of the heavenly dimensions. Its a difficult shift to make, but one that I am learning to as each day passes.

I can honestly say that I would be free of all mental afflictions, would live happily and peacefully if I could spend all my days focused on God and that is what I am trying to achieve. The only problem there is that I still have to operate in this world and unlike many woman, I am not a great multitasker. Not at all. The more I try to engage in the kingdom mentality, the harder the world wars around me to captivate me to engage in activities which are usually not to my advantage. I have noticed old coping mechanisms of the past start to creep back up to the surface, rotting away the chance I am trying to give myself at genuine happiness and peace. Its exhausting. I am struggling to live in the two worlds and I pray daily for help to accomplish this.

I spent a lot of today reading the Bible and loving every second as I used my lovely pink highlighter to go over the scriptures that touched my heart, of which there were many. In this zone, my mind is calm, my emotions settle down and the anxiety I usually feel, eases off like a heavy winter coat being removed from ones shoulders. But then I had to take my boyfriend into the local town to look for an opticians and back came the anxiety and its lovely friends, anger and impatience. Facing the actual world, is the thing that is making me sick, I no longer feel safe and I also had an argument with my boyfriend about my wishes to have a cross in the living room. This is fair enough, I can see his point, this isn’t his thing, but then why did it upset me so much? I informed him I wanted him to be on board with what I am doing, but he adamantly denies this cooperation and advised me that it was making him unsure of being with me. I know the words were said out of reaction to my seemingly forceful tone to get him to engage in my 'cross' buying expedition, but they stung me because I realised that I have no intention on calming down on my so called obsession with God. I am obsessed and I am happy to admit it and live it out in all its glory. He on the other hand, is seeing what was originally a fun time party girl change into someone who actually cares about more than just work and the weekend. Its a difficult situation and I need to do some thinking and talking between us. This is the man I want to marry and have children with, so at some point we are going to have to compromise.......hopefully not at the expense of my faith.

So, back to the point, I know that I can live a happy life if I just read the Bible, meditated on the word, went to my meetings and absorbed myself fully in God but then how do I make space for the rest of life. Its puzzling me and I am desperate for answers. For which I will pray to God and wait for the next revelation that He can give me. Will keep you updated.

Love Always.x