Down That Road Again

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one." (Matthew 6:13 NIV)

In the last 5 weeks, I’ve relapsed three times. The vices of my past have caught up with me and my willpower has not succeeded in keeping me away from the grip that addiction still has around my neck. I enjoyed all three times and I know that this is not the end of the relapse phase for me, Christmas period proves an especially hard time to stay off the narcotics of my past. Oddly though, this time I feel like I am the one in control, not the cocaine in control of me. Its new territory for me, I was able to stop doing it and go to bed whilst there was still some left in my house, this was a new experience in itself. I am not the same Rebecca, I have changed, I have conquered, but the slipping back into my old self was easier to do than I even thought possible.

Sometimes, well most times lately, I get exhausted with all the thinking that is required to deal with the years of pain I am now expected to trudge through. Those rare occasions of complete sedation from the world have been more than welcome, sorry to say it, but they have. I'm tired of fighting all day, all night every single hour of each and every day. I needed a break and I found it, exactly where I left off all those months ago. Its scary how quickly things can slip back into position if your mind is a willing participant. Telling my family wasn’t easy, but it was necessary, I don’t want this to become an addiction again, I just want to have a break from all the torture that seems to invade me through every waking hour. I don’t expect them to understand, I know how much it hurts them to watch their daughter relapse into the hands of hell again, but this is my battle and I am the one whose got to face it, with or without their approval. I never want to hurt them, but I have got to find the strength for me, or I'll end up back here over and over again. It must be a personal voyage to discover the key to unlock the habit.

On one of the occasions that I was using, I had a profound experience with God and this may sound wrong but he can work through anything. I was feeling unsure of myself and could hear the devil taunting me so I chose to hone in and focus only on God the whole night, to picture Jesus face and to quote scripture as I  went about the night, playing monopoly, engaging in conversation. The whole time, I kept focused on him and the strangest things happened. I won, by a million miles at monopoly and all the card games, I also knew when to stop using and go to bed. The  biggest realisation that night made me see that I could operate doing anything I wanted to and still have Him as my focus no matter what. Not that He would agree with what I am doing, it is sin after all, but my heart was in the right place even if my actions weren’t. I learnt that focusing on Him brings safety to both my mind and body and that it also increases blessings for me. I was calmer, more in control, focused purely on who He is and all he encompasses. More so than I am in my day to day life, it was quite magical but I knew it was because I needed to learn a lesson from it, not to do it again. That I could be happy, blessed and peaceful and that I didn’t need anything except him to provide it. It wasn't because of the drugs that it was of God, it was because I had trained my mind to only focus on Him. I want to be clear that I understand God would never condone me using but He can work miracles through anything, even cocaine. I believe this is true, but then why am I relapsing?

I know the Christmas period will bring its own set of temptations, ones I’m likely to obey, ones to be honest I want to. I sometimes miss the old messed up me, at least part of me was oblivious to the acuteness of the pain I am living in. Now, I have to face reality head on and its no easy task, for anyone. I guess in that respect I’m being a bit of a coward, running back and hiding behind my old coping mechanisms, grasping at the tiny bit of me that I recognise that’s still left. Everything else has changed, gone, being worked through. Its not always easy to have a new identity, even if its better for you, my mind still remembers and misses the old. I'm still trapped. Maybe I always will be, only time and my decisions will tell......

Love Always.x