Living In Two Worlds

 "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.(Psalms 119:105 NIV)

I am in a transitional period for sure. I have ultimately decided that the life of God is the life of me, but that’s where the simplicity ends. I am realising as the days, weeks and months go on that it is no easy task to live in the kingdom mindset all the time, in fact, it is the hardest mental challenge I have come up against. After all, I have spent nearly 26 years abiding to the laws of the natural world, not of the heavenly dimensions. Its a difficult shift to make, but one that I am learning to as each day passes.

I can honestly say that I would be free of all mental afflictions, would live happily and peacefully if I could spend all my days focused on God and that is what I am trying to achieve. The only problem there is that I still have to operate in this world and unlike many woman, I am not a great multitasker. Not at all. The more I try to engage in the kingdom mentality, the harder the world wars around me to captivate me to engage in activities which are usually not to my advantage. I have noticed old coping mechanisms of the past start to creep back up to the surface, rotting away the chance I am trying to give myself at genuine happiness and peace. Its exhausting. I am struggling to live in the two worlds and I pray daily for help to accomplish this.

I spent a lot of today reading the Bible and loving every second as I used my lovely pink highlighter to go over the scriptures that touched my heart, of which there were many. In this zone, my mind is calm, my emotions settle down and the anxiety I usually feel, eases off like a heavy winter coat being removed from ones shoulders. But then I had to take my boyfriend into the local town to look for an opticians and back came the anxiety and its lovely friends, anger and impatience. Facing the actual world, is the thing that is making me sick, I no longer feel safe and I also had an argument with my boyfriend about my wishes to have a cross in the living room. This is fair enough, I can see his point, this isn’t his thing, but then why did it upset me so much? I informed him I wanted him to be on board with what I am doing, but he adamantly denies this cooperation and advised me that it was making him unsure of being with me. I know the words were said out of reaction to my seemingly forceful tone to get him to engage in my 'cross' buying expedition, but they stung me because I realised that I have no intention on calming down on my so called obsession with God. I am obsessed and I am happy to admit it and live it out in all its glory. He on the other hand, is seeing what was originally a fun time party girl change into someone who actually cares about more than just work and the weekend. Its a difficult situation and I need to do some thinking and talking between us. This is the man I want to marry and have children with, so at some point we are going to have to compromise.......hopefully not at the expense of my faith.

So, back to the point, I know that I can live a happy life if I just read the Bible, meditated on the word, went to my meetings and absorbed myself fully in God but then how do I make space for the rest of life. Its puzzling me and I am desperate for answers. For which I will pray to God and wait for the next revelation that He can give me. Will keep you updated.

Love Always.x