Boyfriend Joins In

 “The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.” (Proverbs 4:18 NIV)

Last week was a bit of a manic week for me. This was first recognised by my occupational therapist who seemed alarmed at the sudden change in my mood and asked me to monitor myself as it seemed I was on a high. This did continue for the rest of the week and I smoothly sailed through an hour of exercise each weekday and chatted continuously to anyone who would listen. As my disorder has meant I have been low for such a long time, in all honesty, I welcomed the sharp shift in my mental state and buzzed my way around the place feeling a surge of happiness and euphoria. Sadly this ended on Sunday, when my mood took a nosedive and has continued to delve lower ever since. It always seems that when I go up, I really am thrown back down into the depths again. Yesterday I could feel the suffocating self hate and paranoia welling up inside of me, so I prayed harder and harder for Gods help to battle this never ending illness in my mind. Impatient as always, I found my escape in a spliff and several sedatives. No, not productive, but it did give the desired affect. I was able to slow down the attacks on my mind and allow my focus to drift towards the television. Today however, I am fighting back. I ensured I went to see my sister this morning and since then have done an exercise DVD, made a healthy lunch and hoovered and mopped my floors. I know that the pattern of smoking will continue this evening, till I run out of my allocated amount, but at least the day will have been relatively useful. I have also, as I was doing last week, continued to read the Message version of the Bible and am now up to Romans, which I am still loving. So, ups and downs, but I have refused to let this life-slide ruin the rest of the week.

One extreme positive from last week, was attending 'Encounter Night' with my spirit family and with my very dubious and non believing boyfriend. Its a night of music and worship and I thought this would be the best way to ease him in gently to the lifestyle I  have been choosing to live. I couldn't be happier about how the evening went. As the music started he told me how he felt butterflies and nearer the end he felt he wanted to cry! He asked a lot of questions about faith and seemed to be genuinely pleasantly surprised at how good the evening was. In all honesty, he was a different man from the man I entered with and told me He felt like this was a lifeline for him, something good that could come out of his life. He declared he was ready to be open to God and would like to attend more events and most of all he loved the people, how friendly and happy they all were. I am still in shock at this surprise turn of events. I had been so scared I was losing my relationship because we were in such different places, it seemed our paths had veered too far away from each other to ever meet up again. But that night, his reaction and my genuine belief that God has already started great works in Him, have given me back the man and relationship that I love with all my heart. Glory to God.

When we went home that night, although I was already fairly manic last week, my time spent with God in the encounter night for the first time ever, gave me the actual feeling that I had taken illegal drugs and I was higher than high. I surged with waves of passion and love for my Father in heaven and I literally floated around the house, dancing along to the music of heaven playing softly in my spirit. I felt more alive in that couple of hours than I have felt for months, maybe even years. I got high off the most high and I loved it! God surprised me yet again with the intensity of emotions I could feel for life and for Him. I know too that there will be many more of these experiences to come and I await them with eager anticipation. But I also know, that even when the going gets tough as it is right now, He is still there filling me with his love, encouraging me and fixing me, from the inside out. Each day, I learn to take off the masks, deal with the pain and continue the greatest journey of my life. There's no question of looking back.

Love Always.x

Now the Journey Has Begun

"Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." (Psalm 25:5 NIV)

I can't believe its been two weeks since I last wrote on here, the time seems to have flown by and the lessons have been coming thick and fast. I'm pleased to say I am in a much more positive place than I was a couple of weeks ago and this is both in part to my following Gods lead and also being more proactive in my actual life. Things slowly but surely seem to be sorting themselves out and I no longer always feels like I am suffocating in my own existence. I have even started exercising more and eating healthier meals, so not only am I doing good spiritual work, but the physical part of me is being positively affected as well. Its about time I started to look after my life a bit better, and although the steps are still small and I am not yet able to go a whole day without sedating myself in the evenings, I am moving forwards, so this is good.

Choosing to allow God a place in both my heart and life was by far the best possible choice I could have made. I allowed myself the other day to think about what my life would be like had I not been brought down to my knees and finally asked Him to help me. It was not a positive thought, in fact, I genuinely believe that without Gods intervention, I would not be here at all. Although the journey is by no means an easy one, it continues to surprise and delight me with every revelation that I get. God is shaping me into who I was always meant to be. Along the years I picked up lots of bad habits, listened to a lot of Satan’s lies and tried my hardest to be as far removed from the real me as humanly possible. I did whatever I could to fit in, to be liked and the real me soon disappeared off the radar, somewhere in the back of my mind, never to be found again. Well, God had news for me. He is not in the slightest bit interested in the pretend me, the character I developed to cope with life, the slave to Satan’s demons of depression, addiction and obsession. God wants to see me, the real me and He has been doing a lot of work to make sure this process is completed.

Its no surprise that after a few years you begin to believe the dark thoughts you have about yourself really are true, the paranoia about people hating you, the continuous fear that your not good enough. These thoughts then create a foundation of which you build a life, not one to merely enjoy for every beautiful moment, but one that simply enables you to cope, to survive. I have been surviving for as long as I can remember and had grown accustomed to the fact that the things about me I hated so much, such as the addiction and the negative mindset prone to depression, were actually me. But I am learning, that this in fact is wrong. I am not the coping mechanisms I have picked up along the way, neither am I the disgusting worthless being I felt forced to live within each day. Yes, there are parts of me that are not great, I have a lustful nature (which he has shown to me and worked out with me) and many other traits that I have picked up along the way that are less than ideal. However, God is teaching me that these are not who I really am, these are merely clip ons that have been added as a way of protection, sometimes as a way of succeeding and many as ways of coping. But they are not me and I am not them. This revelation has freed me beyond belief from the fear that at my core I really am evil, useless and worthless. He is making room for the real me to come out and slowly, the clipped on bits that I added over the years are being brought out of my subconscious and into my reality for me to see them for what they really are: lies and deception intent on destroying me.

The way God is working within me is nothing short of a miracle. Yes, the process is uncomfortable, there are things about me that have not been good and I am having to deal with them and what they have produced in my life, while also learning that as they are not who I truly am, I can now choose to let them go. This in itself is exhaustive work but its benefits are unbelievable. God is teaching me to see me, how He intended me to be, when I was nothing more than a thought in His head. That girl is not depressed, she isn't paranoid, she doesn't hate herself and fear the opinions of man more than the love of God. That girl who for so many years was covered up and hidden away is finally finding her voice again and its all because Gods amazing powers of love and understanding are supporting me along the way. This time the foundations I am building my life on are based on truth not the enemy’s lies. The truth that I am loved, just because I am me, the truth that I am good and loving and blessed, because I am His daughter. This time, the foundations are not about survival, they are about life, living it truly and well and enjoying the opportunity God has given me....existence within the realm of time.

I know the process is far from over and I have many more demons and attitudes to face up to and let go of, but I can now honestly say that the real journey has begun. The last two weeks God has started work within me that will continue for the rest of my life and that is something only He could possibly have achieved. To my amazing Papa, my Father in Heaven, thank you for the opportunity to get to know you and in turn to find the real me. I love you with all my heart, mind and soul.

Love Always.x

Relationship Trouble

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12)

I am trying my hardest to remain optimistic and positive about my life and my future. I am really trying to focus on taking each day as it comes and reminding myself of all the small achievements that I make. This has been increasingly hard again over the past few days, down to several different reasons. One of them being my return to smoking weed, an addiction that I go back and revisit every month or so, this time as a distraction to prevent me using cocaine. I still haven’t got to a point in my life where I can spend all of my day fully present, and as the night draws in my need for numbness increases. I find weed a safer mix than wine and increased dosages of my sedatives. I pray for my addiction to be taken away, and I believe that it will. I am not doing the usual guilt trip and self bullying, as these are both pointless and expected. They neither work nor stop me using, so I would rather remain positive that whilst my nights may be sedated, my days are mostly dedicated to God. Since the weekend I have been reading 'The Message', a contemporary version of the Bible and am already on Luke's Gospel and loving every word. Although I am not doing the TV fast this week, I have already chosen to read the Bible over watching TV for most of my day. So, very small baby steps, but at least they are in the right direction.

The weekend was a mixture of highs and lows. Returning from his time working away, my boyfriend took me out for a nice meal on the Friday, then we rented movies and stocked up on chocolates and sweets to enjoy ourselves with. It was nice temporarily to have the TV back on and of course it was lovely to have him home but this pleasure did not last long. After him having several moments of brutal honesty over the last few weeks including: 'You are useless and never do anything around the house' and 'You've put on loads of weight since I have been with you and have cellulite all over your body', I told him of how I had been exercising and cleaning again and how I hoped he was proud. He said he was although I didn’t really get the reaction I had hoped. Maybe an 'I'm sorry for making you feel worse about yourself', but this did not come. What did happen though, in typical him fashion, was a weekend of him using drugs and drinking again. He did this both Saturday and Sunday. Sunday being the the worst. His mum had to bring him home completely wrecked having lost his phone and gotten into some kind of scuffle. He shouted abuse at me as I refused to rise to the usual mad woman I would be at this time and I slept on the sofa, unable to be sure I could restrain myself from suffocating him during his sleep. It was a tempting thought.

I had to wake my lying, drunken, joke of a boyfriend up then at 4am in the the morning to make sure he was ready to go to work. We argued as I refused to listen to his 'I love you' pleas and he kept me awake till he left around  6am. Not in all honesty, the greatest start to my week. So, what am I supposed to do? This was the question I continually found circling my mind all over the weekend and all day yesterday. I love this man more than the world, but he is also an addict and has a habit of telling little lies to cover himself from being 'nagged at'. My heart is pining for him but somewhere inside of me its like I know this will never work if he refuses to change his habits. I want to be with him, but I also want to be well and clean and I don't think this will be the likely pairing that I had hoped for. When I finally spoke to him yesterday, I asked him if we should go on a break so he could really decide what he wanted from his life. I would be willing to give him the time to decide if he really did want to change or if he'd be happier with the lifestyle he still continues to live. He told me he wants me and he promised, yet again, that he will stay away from the drugs. I of course, believe him. Again.

God is rebuilding me from the inside out and that means change is inevitable. There’s a lot of my life that needs to be cleansed and He is slowly but surely building a pillar of strength and sense of self in me that years of counselling and self help books have yet to be successful at. I want to be well, I want to be clean and I want to live a happy life. Over the next year I know He will work miracles in my life, but that also means I have to be willing to let go of the things, mindsets and people that keep me attached to the life I have been failing to live. On my own, I have no strength to do such things, so all I can and must do is pray for His guidance and courage to do what is right. So that is what I do. I ask Him to help me make the right choices, whether its my addiction or my relationship and as the days and weeks go on, I know He will make these decisions clearer for me. Till then, I pray for peace and happiness for not just me, but for all whom my life affects.

Love Always.x

Day by Day

“Be strong. Take courage. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you.”(Deuteronomy 31:6 The Message)

Day four of the TV fast and I am still going strong. I have allowed myself to watch a couple of DVD's that are not God focused, but the TV has remained off the radar. I am surprised at how easy it was to give it up initially, but as the days have gone on my desire for mindless watching of other peoples lives is getting stronger. The hardest is not watching my favourite chat show with my cup of tea and breakfast in the morning. Instead I have been watching 'The Glory School' DVDs, which has been a good alternative and has set me up for the day ahead. I have also reread Patricia Kings book 'The Spiritual Revolution', carefully reading it out aloud and meditating on the scripture references she uses throughout. This, I particularly enjoyed and have found that meditating on scripture for long enough causes a great peace to abide in me and I feel a stronger connection with God beginning to piece itself together again. In all the spare time I have had without the TV I have also managed to keep my house tidy and get in some exercise. I think I am going to continue my fast for next week as well, it is proving a useful tool in not only getting me to focus more on the Lord, but for getting some element of useful routine within my day. As my boyfriend returns home this weekend, the fast will be off for these two days and I will be interested to see the difference this has on my routine.

This morning I read Patricia Kings Decree booklet, declaring the truth of who I am in Christ out into the open. According to her, words have life and the decreeing of who I am will strengthen my spirit man and allow me to learn to live from my spirit rather than my soul. A lesson I desperately need to learn. I am still hounded by the addictive nature of my personality and my desperation for numbness to the pain that is inside of me. So whilst I have been successful in fasting from TV, I have not been so successful in calming my bad habits. I smoked a spliff on Tuesday night and eat enough to feed a small army and last night I took (several more than recommended) my sedatives mixed with a few glasses of mulled wine to create a similar effect to that of a sedated slug. It worked and I lay back and eased into restfulness as my mind began to slow. It would appear that the battle is not yet over, but I am being realistic, I have given more fight this week to the demons of my depression than I have in many months. I may be going off the rails in some areas, but I still went to sleep listening to a God CD and I still maintain prayer and study with Him during the day. One step at a time, I will not allow myself to ruin another week just because I am not yet perfect in all areas.

I have noticed that I tend to do my life and routines in a week by week basis. If I fail to exercise or pray for long enough on Monday then I count out the rest of the week and insist I will start again the following. I then spend the following six days living completely out of my carnal nature, watching too much TV, absorbing myself in my negative internal dialogue and generally being a miserable moo. This week however, has been completely different. I have learnt to take life day by day and not allow one bad mistake to poison the remainder of the week. Although I have still used drugs and alcohol, my days in most part were spent getting closer to God and bringing in healthy adjustments to my lifestyle. This is a massive improvement on the last few months so I am trying to remain optimistic about the situation. If I don't do so well one day, I try to remind God and myself at the end of the day, of the small things I may have achieved. At this stage of my depression, those small things could be brushing my teeth, washing the dishes or writing on here. All the little things count and I am slowly learning not to put so much pressure on myself to be perfect in all areas all at once. A little at a time and slowly but surely I will get there.

I have strangely noticed the annoying little voice of disbelief enter me also this week. The demons that are attached to me are not liking the new more positive Rebecca and are insistent on weakening my faith. Fortunately I have a voice like a fog horn, so when the thoughts of disbelief enter as I am reading, I merely shout louder and force myself to concentrate on the words and not the thoughts influenced by Satan’s army. I have fed the demons of my mind for far too long and I am now ready to make them starve. If I refuse to allow the thoughts to keep me in chains, then I too will break free of the negative patterns I have developed over the years. This is no easy task, its taken a lot of time and effort to hate myself this much but I am amazed by Gods love for me and want to show that I can and will make changes to the sickness of my mind. Only I can do that and only if I fully trust and am guided by the Lord.

In summary then I suppose, what threatened to be the weeks that took my life away, I have actually been refreshed, renewed and given a focus again. God has kept to his promise to take me from glory to glory and He has once again responded to my call for help. I am almost certain that this will not be the last time the demons from within threaten to destroy me, but I am learning with each pitfall, there is much strength and lessons to be gained. I am building up my inner spirit man so that one day I too will be able to feel the true and beautiful love that the Father so kindly chooses to share with me. Onwards and upwards.

Love Always.x