Boyfriend Joins In

 “The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.” (Proverbs 4:18 NIV)

Last week was a bit of a manic week for me. This was first recognised by my occupational therapist who seemed alarmed at the sudden change in my mood and asked me to monitor myself as it seemed I was on a high. This did continue for the rest of the week and I smoothly sailed through an hour of exercise each weekday and chatted continuously to anyone who would listen. As my disorder has meant I have been low for such a long time, in all honesty, I welcomed the sharp shift in my mental state and buzzed my way around the place feeling a surge of happiness and euphoria. Sadly this ended on Sunday, when my mood took a nosedive and has continued to delve lower ever since. It always seems that when I go up, I really am thrown back down into the depths again. Yesterday I could feel the suffocating self hate and paranoia welling up inside of me, so I prayed harder and harder for Gods help to battle this never ending illness in my mind. Impatient as always, I found my escape in a spliff and several sedatives. No, not productive, but it did give the desired affect. I was able to slow down the attacks on my mind and allow my focus to drift towards the television. Today however, I am fighting back. I ensured I went to see my sister this morning and since then have done an exercise DVD, made a healthy lunch and hoovered and mopped my floors. I know that the pattern of smoking will continue this evening, till I run out of my allocated amount, but at least the day will have been relatively useful. I have also, as I was doing last week, continued to read the Message version of the Bible and am now up to Romans, which I am still loving. So, ups and downs, but I have refused to let this life-slide ruin the rest of the week.

One extreme positive from last week, was attending 'Encounter Night' with my spirit family and with my very dubious and non believing boyfriend. Its a night of music and worship and I thought this would be the best way to ease him in gently to the lifestyle I  have been choosing to live. I couldn't be happier about how the evening went. As the music started he told me how he felt butterflies and nearer the end he felt he wanted to cry! He asked a lot of questions about faith and seemed to be genuinely pleasantly surprised at how good the evening was. In all honesty, he was a different man from the man I entered with and told me He felt like this was a lifeline for him, something good that could come out of his life. He declared he was ready to be open to God and would like to attend more events and most of all he loved the people, how friendly and happy they all were. I am still in shock at this surprise turn of events. I had been so scared I was losing my relationship because we were in such different places, it seemed our paths had veered too far away from each other to ever meet up again. But that night, his reaction and my genuine belief that God has already started great works in Him, have given me back the man and relationship that I love with all my heart. Glory to God.

When we went home that night, although I was already fairly manic last week, my time spent with God in the encounter night for the first time ever, gave me the actual feeling that I had taken illegal drugs and I was higher than high. I surged with waves of passion and love for my Father in heaven and I literally floated around the house, dancing along to the music of heaven playing softly in my spirit. I felt more alive in that couple of hours than I have felt for months, maybe even years. I got high off the most high and I loved it! God surprised me yet again with the intensity of emotions I could feel for life and for Him. I know too that there will be many more of these experiences to come and I await them with eager anticipation. But I also know, that even when the going gets tough as it is right now, He is still there filling me with his love, encouraging me and fixing me, from the inside out. Each day, I learn to take off the masks, deal with the pain and continue the greatest journey of my life. There's no question of looking back.

Love Always.x