Relationship Trouble

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12)

I am trying my hardest to remain optimistic and positive about my life and my future. I am really trying to focus on taking each day as it comes and reminding myself of all the small achievements that I make. This has been increasingly hard again over the past few days, down to several different reasons. One of them being my return to smoking weed, an addiction that I go back and revisit every month or so, this time as a distraction to prevent me using cocaine. I still haven’t got to a point in my life where I can spend all of my day fully present, and as the night draws in my need for numbness increases. I find weed a safer mix than wine and increased dosages of my sedatives. I pray for my addiction to be taken away, and I believe that it will. I am not doing the usual guilt trip and self bullying, as these are both pointless and expected. They neither work nor stop me using, so I would rather remain positive that whilst my nights may be sedated, my days are mostly dedicated to God. Since the weekend I have been reading 'The Message', a contemporary version of the Bible and am already on Luke's Gospel and loving every word. Although I am not doing the TV fast this week, I have already chosen to read the Bible over watching TV for most of my day. So, very small baby steps, but at least they are in the right direction.

The weekend was a mixture of highs and lows. Returning from his time working away, my boyfriend took me out for a nice meal on the Friday, then we rented movies and stocked up on chocolates and sweets to enjoy ourselves with. It was nice temporarily to have the TV back on and of course it was lovely to have him home but this pleasure did not last long. After him having several moments of brutal honesty over the last few weeks including: 'You are useless and never do anything around the house' and 'You've put on loads of weight since I have been with you and have cellulite all over your body', I told him of how I had been exercising and cleaning again and how I hoped he was proud. He said he was although I didn’t really get the reaction I had hoped. Maybe an 'I'm sorry for making you feel worse about yourself', but this did not come. What did happen though, in typical him fashion, was a weekend of him using drugs and drinking again. He did this both Saturday and Sunday. Sunday being the the worst. His mum had to bring him home completely wrecked having lost his phone and gotten into some kind of scuffle. He shouted abuse at me as I refused to rise to the usual mad woman I would be at this time and I slept on the sofa, unable to be sure I could restrain myself from suffocating him during his sleep. It was a tempting thought.

I had to wake my lying, drunken, joke of a boyfriend up then at 4am in the the morning to make sure he was ready to go to work. We argued as I refused to listen to his 'I love you' pleas and he kept me awake till he left around  6am. Not in all honesty, the greatest start to my week. So, what am I supposed to do? This was the question I continually found circling my mind all over the weekend and all day yesterday. I love this man more than the world, but he is also an addict and has a habit of telling little lies to cover himself from being 'nagged at'. My heart is pining for him but somewhere inside of me its like I know this will never work if he refuses to change his habits. I want to be with him, but I also want to be well and clean and I don't think this will be the likely pairing that I had hoped for. When I finally spoke to him yesterday, I asked him if we should go on a break so he could really decide what he wanted from his life. I would be willing to give him the time to decide if he really did want to change or if he'd be happier with the lifestyle he still continues to live. He told me he wants me and he promised, yet again, that he will stay away from the drugs. I of course, believe him. Again.

God is rebuilding me from the inside out and that means change is inevitable. There’s a lot of my life that needs to be cleansed and He is slowly but surely building a pillar of strength and sense of self in me that years of counselling and self help books have yet to be successful at. I want to be well, I want to be clean and I want to live a happy life. Over the next year I know He will work miracles in my life, but that also means I have to be willing to let go of the things, mindsets and people that keep me attached to the life I have been failing to live. On my own, I have no strength to do such things, so all I can and must do is pray for His guidance and courage to do what is right. So that is what I do. I ask Him to help me make the right choices, whether its my addiction or my relationship and as the days and weeks go on, I know He will make these decisions clearer for me. Till then, I pray for peace and happiness for not just me, but for all whom my life affects.

Love Always.x