"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights,each tear entered in Your ledger,each ache written in your book."(Psalm 56:8, MSG)
I have been at the crisis unit this morning, feeling rather miserable I sulked off alone to read and then was given a reflexology treatment at the crisis house as they had free appointments on offer. Usually this would put me in a good mood but today I just feel a sea of emptiness and my boat is lost somewhere whipping it up in the stormy waves. What I would give for Jesus to walk over to my boat and stop the storm........
I think the really frustrating part is that I have so many goals I want to achieve in life but honestly for all the lists I write, I never really seem to be making any actual progress. I flutter aimlessly from one hour to the next, not exactly making the most of the beauty of life that I have been given. I am well read and insightful enough to appreciate and honour the value of time, of life passing through my fingers but I am powerless to clutch on and make something of it. I am just a ball of frustration, waiting expectantly for an answer to come and save me from this never-ending maze of misery. The day stretches out before me, waiting to be filled with something exciting, productive or at the very least non sabotaging. My cravings for a spliff are stronger than ever, a desperate reach for some much needed peace which normal reality simply cannot offer. I imagine that I will spend the rest of the day stoned, trying to absorb slowly the gravity of the situation I yet again find myself in.
On the positive side, yes there really is one, my dad came over last night after I had my recovery meeting with my mum and the ladies from the recovery group. It was such a refreshing group as well, a chance to meet with other people who were also suffering the addiction disease and the love I felt in that room was intense. I told them about God saving me and they all showed an interest in coming to the next gathering, so I feel proud to be shepherding Gods lost sheep in the right direction. I think this is really going to be a beneficial weekly meeting for me and can only hope it aids my recovery. So, afterwards my dad came over mine with a lovely chicken dinner and we spent some real quality time together. I actually took my mums advice on board to listen more and I'm so glad I did. My dad is like a fountain of knowledge and after years of being so opinionated, I had forgotten just how wonderful his advice could be. He talked honestly and helpfully about my situation and what I could do to make progress and he gave me so much great advice to take forward over the following weeks. My heart burst with love and pride, I am so lucky God blessed me with a family as wonderful as mine. I am truly grateful beyond words, for this gift of immense love and support. It was a real quality bonding time and one I hope we can do more often.
So as for today, I am meeting with my weed dealer later this evening to stock up and aside from that I would like to get some exercise done and do some reading of the addiction book I borrowed from the recovery group. I guess the rest will just have to fall into place....
Love Always.x
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