Cannabis Day

 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. (Galatians 5:13)

I'm stoned. I have been for the past twelve hours, it seems easier to ignore the cocaine temptation if I am high on cannabis instead. Oh the mighty great mess I have made of my life could almost be accused of being amusing. Well, dear readers, I am epically failing at my opportunity to live a life free of chains to drugs. In all honesty I have been smoking weed pretty much every day since February, though I never usually write entries when stoned as I feel its disrespectful to God. However today I decided that if I was to be honest and show all areas of my life, then this seems quite a key one to keep under wraps. Its not as if he isn’t aware of what I am doing. So here it is: I am a pot head, a night-time one, although sometimes especially in the sun or if feeling particularly down I can be  partial to a spliff or two in the days as well. I resent the fact that I am hooked on it and resent even more the fact that I still seem to get so much pleasure out of it. Yes its escapism, no it isn’t in line with my faith but this is me and this is my life and that’s just what I do. All judgemental attitudes aside, I am also disappointed with myself for this massive great chain locking me to the part of my life I most love yet most want to be freed from.

The weekend went out with a mighty bang as they always do when I am using cocaine. This time I successfully managed to start smashing up my boyfriends house after a two day 'bender' and hurling abuse at his younger brother and friends. I then proceeded to have a breakdown where my sobs and swearwords joined in a rather pathetic whining of a petulant child. Not one of my proudest moments. Yet, no matter how hard I try, it is a moment and no amount of weed is going to change that. I  must therefore choose to leave the bin of embarrassment behind and attempt to patch together the mess I have managed to cause in my annoyingly predictable life. Here I am again, trying to stay off cocaine, using weed as a supplement, playing Sims endlessly to try and attempt some control over my circumstances. Sims has the added advantage that when I am bored of being one person I can switch to someone else, if only life were so simple.

I am not proud of the stage I am at in terms of addiction. But and this is a big but, I am proud of how far I have come elsewhere. Even in this state of semi awake stupor, I can realise that there are many internal changes that have prevented me from continuing the cocaine binge into today. I finished Sunday morning and have been clean since. That’s the longest time in three weeks. So there is some very beautiful towers of strength that God has built within these walls of my soul. The rest will come in time He assures me now, its patience that I need to work on and the rest will come as easily as the last small but lasting changes. I will continue to smoke weed for the foreseeable future, I am not yet in a place where I feel strong enough to remove it completely, but I will keep fighting right to the end. Always.

Love Always.x