Weekend Warrior

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." (Proverbs 23:18 NIV)

I am so frustrated with myself. Today has been another 'smoking day' and I am now tired, grouchy and spaced out. This however in comparison to my weekend, is a massive improvement. As I seem unable to be able to access any real control over my life, I yet again decided to use cocaine last weekend, both Friday and Saturday nights. Whilst doing it I become a person I detest, a self righteous, loud and uncontrollable idiot whose only delight is in getting further wasted. This ended as it so often does now with an almighty argument with my boyfriend in which I cried desperately for us to both stop living our lives like this and culminated in me smashing his £400 television set into smithereens. Not a good move, though surprisingly calming at the time. I am a ticking time bomb, just waiting to go off and cause real destruction. I can feel the claws of my addiction gripping so tightly, its a real surprise I can even breathe, let alone write about the subject.

My frustration is a mix of my seeming inability to listen to myself when I am in the right frame of mind. I know that I no longer want drugs in my life but give it a few days and the thought of escapism fills my mind again and I end up sat in the corner of the room sniffing unknown amounts of stuff up my nostrils. Not only am I clearly damaging my physical health, but my already bizarre mental health isn’t exactly being aided by this recent addiction either. I am caught between a rock and a hard place and I'm running out of ideas on what to do about it.

You would think that if I can make the decision that I no longer want to use cannabis or cocaine to get through my days, I would be able to at least attempt to stick to the decision. But this is where I fall short, I just cant seem to stop the ball once its started rolling, no matter how much destruction it is leaving in my trail. I have prayed over and over to be healed which brings me to the somewhat settling conclusion that this must be part of my healing process. I am not suggesting God has suggested the tools, but I believe He knows that I am strong enough to get through and conquer this so long as I remain focused on Him and His all consuming love. I really hope this can prove enough of a catalyst to start to make the necessary changes as my misery no longer knows no bounds. It is beginning to swell around me like a vicious cesspit of fear and disgust and I feel powerless to stop the effects of my current demise. I have to focus more on the face of my Lord and less on the face of my dealer. Easier said than done.

Somehow I will find a way through this, I have to, my mental health and life depend on it. I just need to find a way to reconnect again to the purposes God has for my life instead of the life I believe I should be living, which I can assure you doesn’t amount to much more than basic survival. As my mood darkens and depression sets in I can only hope that out of the darkness, I somehow find my way back to the light that got me free of this addiction before.

Love Always.x