My Pain Has Taken Over

 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Today has been a particularly low day. I was plagued with nightmares last night and my depression has hit me full force today. I am making myself write this, because I am doing this journey with God, and even in the low times, I need to commit myself to continuing what I started. I can't write anything other than a poem today, as I said yesterday, my soul writes for me when I do this. I have never shared my deep poems with anyone aside from my very close friends and family. Some I have never shown to anyone. Its my private world. This opening of my heart on this blog, shows my commitment to my faith. I know I am in darkness, but I have chosen to walk towards the light. No matter how long that may take, God is still guiding me to continue on. I want a relationship with Him and I come into it, with my heart open and my soul laid bare. I know he will understand and be patient with my pain and I know that some day, the despair I feel, will lift. I know this, because above all else, I have Faith.


Welcome inside my tortured mind,
A poisonous pit you'll be sure to find
The hatred boils from deep within
Even in faith, I continue to sin

The walls of darkness surround me in fear
I can't help wondering why I'm here
Why am I hurting, why do I cry
Why do I always feel like I'm living a lie

I cant believe I'm here again, I can't believe my mind
Why is there nothing positive I can seem to find
A troubled girl that’s what they see
That's all it seems I'll ever be

I'm terrified of waking, I'm scared to go to sleep
No place seems safe enough for my company to keep
The tears of anger burn as they fall
Sometimes I come close to ending it all

A mental affliction is what I'm told
The disorder that captivates me two-fold
Slings me into happiness, so extreme I touch the sky
Then right back down to darkened days, where I can only cry

Up and down I swing, always to and fro
Where’s the next place my mind will go
The world could never really see
The battle that goes on inside of me

I'm still that teenage girl, lost behind the pain
I'm back where I left off, over and over again
Why can't I learn to see the beauty inside
It seems too deep, there's no seeker for what it hides

I'm breaking down, I'm  falling apart
Just another fragment of my broken heart
When will I rise and when will I see
That the person I need to look for, is the real me

Where has she gone, that scared little girl
Why does she keep running to her strange and lonely world
When will her smile come from her heart
When will she stop letting the darkness tear her apart

Addiction to everything, it just takes me away
Its addiction to pain at the end of the day
I want to be happy, I want you all to see
That somewhere in there, is the happy, never forgotten me....

Love Always.x

The Path I'm On

"Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?  (1 Cor 3:16 NIV)

I always find it easier to express myself when I write, and often find things flow from me that I wasn’t even aware I was thinking. This is especially so when I write poems. So here is mine for the day:

I started this journey with an open mind,
What gems would I discover, what enlightenment could I find
Does every path lead me to a better way of life
Or could one stumble force me into heartache and strife

The path I chose to take is littered with stories of hope and grace
A recommended way to heal and find your place
But in amidst the tales of hope
Are the failed tales of those who couldn’t cope

The pressures of standing out from the crowd
A nation of people who seem too proud
If this road to happiness is such a great choice
Then why haven’t more people found their voice

If we can live in glory and experience true bliss
Then why would any human being want to give it a miss
Why are we still fighting when we're being told we've already won
What’s the point in competition when the hard bits already done

The more I look at the world outside
The more I want to run and hide
The more I view the pain and distress
The more I want to run from this mess

Maybe that’s why I stumbled on this particular street
Maybe this is the only place for me and my destiny to meet
Maybe it isn't about who finds it or not
Maybe, just maybe, its something we've already got

Maybe our saviour has been here all along
That’s why he can rescue us when we're in the wrong
Patiently he waits there for us to finally see
That by believing in his existence, we can be set free

So this journey may only have just started in my confused mind
But really it had already begun, It's just something I had to find
Now I am conscious of my path, I'm really happy to say
That the Kingdom of Heavenly Glory, gets closer every day

Love Always.x

Through Darkness I Will Come

 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

Family and friends are the key components to my healing process. I am so lucky that I am blessed with such an amazing, close family and some incredible friends. When you are overcome with darkness, it is a humbling experience to witness the love that comes from those around you. I am in awe of the love that exists in my close circle and spending time with them truly lifts my spirits.

These past few dark months that I've been dealing with, have completely blown me away with the sheer force of the misery they contain. I have been so disgusted with myself at times, just because I am alive, that if I could have peeled off my skin and crawled away, I would have. Many people have also had similar experiences, and believe me there are more than we know who continue to wear a mask to shield the utter despair they feel inside. Depression is a cruel curse to have on you. It plagues your mind, finding those things you thought you hid away and bringing them full force into your being, over and over. The mirror becomes a doorway of hate and disgust, you are literally on Hells doorstep and you cant seem to move away. The force of deep unhappiness becomes so strong, that some days it takes all you are, just to lift your head from the pillow. You are completely floored by the extreme hate you feel, mainly for yourself, but also to the world around you.

People will often say to me: "But look how luck you are, you have a great job, a great family, a man who loves you, a lovely home and loads of friends, you don't need to be depressed." I understand I have all of those things and I am truly grateful for them (bit too much when I'm manic), but it is not the outside factors that are bothering me, its my perception of them and myself.  This is a hard idea to grasp for most people. We're so used to basing our happiness and success levels on the outside world, our material possessions or job status etc., that we forget about the reality. True success will never really come from anything that can be bought or earned through competition. True success is knowing who you are and accepting it and accepting everyone else for who they are, too. Living from a centre of love is the only guaranteed road to experiencing happiness. My depression and my disorder, I believe, are from a lack of love. I stopped loving myself a long long time ago. Different experiences I have had in my life, turned my image of who I am and what I am worth into a scary enemy. That black shadow sits within me all the time, reminding me of the worthless person I am and pulling me further and further into my own living hell.

I always thought life was supposed to be beautiful and I still dreamed of that life all the time. But, I have been lost for longer than I care to remember. How do I remember how to love myself again? The answer in my case, was remembering who loves me. Beyond my family and friends, a greater force of love has been there in the background all along, silent but ever present. In some rare moments (even when manic or low) I would get glimpses of this force, this peace that would wash over me and leave me with a feeling of completeness, of being whole again. They would often be fleeting moments, but they were there long enough to leave an impression on my soul. Once they had gone, my tortured mind would bring in the black shadow, quick enough, it seemed it had never moved and my life would carry on.

People call that force, the real self and to a point I do believe that. That is who we're meant to be, happy and feeling and giving genuine love. But, even my real self would buckle under the abuse I've put myself through, so I knew it had to be something outside of me almost. I understand today that what I felt in those moments was the presence of something great, pure light. The name I give that experience, is the presence of God. I believe it was him reminding me that even in true darkness, a light can shine. He was my light, casting out my shadow. I was just too blinded by the world outside of me, that I forgot to look for the Truth. The reason I know this, is because in my darkness now, there has been a force that has been leading me to greater things. As said in previous entries, my compulsive working hard and partying hard ethos to life was drowning me. Add that to the tough mental challenges I face with my disorder and anyone could see, I was on numbered days till I finally lost it all together.

These past few months have dropped me to my knees, but only because I got there, have I found out that there really is a God and he really does love me. I can feel that love, I know he cares and I know he has always cared. I used to talk to him and ask for him to keep me guided and to keep me strong, even though I messed up over and over. God never forgot about me, I was just too blind to see what was available right in front of me if I was just willing to believe. He rescued me over and over, when many situations could have been fatal and some nearly were. But I knew after I survived that there was some bigger force who wanted me to go on, who saw better things and believed that I would too. Finally, I have found him. The battle is not over yet, the shadows still creep in, but they don’t seem to be able to dig down as far and get as comfortable as they used to. There’s a new sheriff in town and there is no room for darkness in the light.

Today, I have learnt to love God. I have reflected on my past and looked at my current situation and experiences. I am proud to be a child of God. I am fortunate to have woken up from my nightmare early enough to show him that I was worth waiting for. The path ahead may be rocky, I may lose faith and undoubtedly I will make mistakes along the way. But, one thing I do know is, I won't be alone and when I'm ready, I'll get back up and continue our walk....... 

Love Always.x

The Opposition To My Belief

 "No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame..." (Psalms 25:3)

Science and religion. Always seemingly so against each other. Always keen to prove something different to the other. A monopoly on the truth almost. That is what my entire day of research has suggested anyway!

I tried to focus today on reading the Bible, and started with the advised 1John, so that I could understand the importance of believing Jesus as the Son of God. I also read this yesterday, but read it using The Message, an easier to understand Bible, especially for a new born like me. So today I read all of 1John(NI) and absorbed the words as best I could, focusing on believing and understanding the importance of this letter.

It is beautiful for it suggests hope and is based on the principle that I truly believe in, which is loving others. This is something that I think everybody would agree is the principle to a happy life, with only love, of course the world would be a better place. I still battled with the idea of it being the truth though. The point of it was good, but the Bible is so alien to me and I have already read so many spiritual books, that the message seems the same just a different story teller.

This sparked great misery in me, I really felt like this was just unbelievably difficult. Why have I got such an issue about believing in God? I then went on the internet and have been cross referencing so many different sources, I have lost track of time completely and I really am feeling the pressures of my cynicism caving in on me. The dark forces of the devil must have found a great user of me and just aren’t willing to give me up. I am trying so hard to fight, to just believe, to appreciate the new life I am leading and trust that its great because of God. But, I can't seem to do it.

What I have realised however, is that whenever I look at things from the perspective of God, Jesus, the Bible, I have another unrelated reason or answer to justify the changes/events/miracles. My overstuffed brain is fit to burst and there just doesn’t seem to be room for another theory. I seek evidence, factual proof because relying on feelings isn’t enough for me.

The one thing that really does stand out from the things I have read though. is the fact that the existence of our world, each person on it and the natural/scientific/moral laws all seem to be perfectly in balance. As many (even scientific) websites claim, this is so unlikely that it seems we do have a divine creator. But here’s the thing, inside of me I really do know that. I always have. It's why I could never read the book Sophie's World when I was younger, because I knew pondering the start of our universe couldn’t be understood by my mind. The thought overwhelmed me, likes its doing now. I am back to being that 11 year old, stopped in my tracks and desperately pleading for the answer to just be known to me.

I can assure you that no matter how many books on life,spirituality and science you read, you don't ever really seem to get closer to that answer, and I've read a lot. Too much. I've been searching for the answer outside of myself. Some phases, like different forms of new age thinking, I have adopted over the years, only to be left unfulfilled, feeling like the missing link was screaming out for me to find it but it was just out of reach, That’s what I am still doing now, I am looking at the word God and finding everything I can about him, assessing where this fits in with my world.
But it doesn’t, it doesn’t have to. We must fit in with His. This isn’t about force, this isn’t about ridiculous rituals to assure that you are worthy. This quest is about going back to basics, getting rid of the internal chatter that tells you there must be evidence outside of ourselves to make it authentic.

I am no closer to God for the factual evidence I have received or the arguments against the existence of our creator. My mind is so muddled, it actually hurts to think and yet behind all the stress and worry, I feel this amazing sense of calm encouraging me to go on. My resistance grows stronger but so does it's opposition. I have never had to deal with this amount of sheer opposition to any new waves of thinking I have pursued in the past and this is what excites me. Maybe He knows me better than I thought, he knows that I need time, that I need understanding and that I need to find myself in him and him in me to really get the answers I need. I believe that this must be what Faith is. Regardless of the world out there with its enormous resources and new found ways of living, there is Truth. And my continued battle with it can only be called one thing, Faith. It is keeping me on this journey, even though my mind is determined to give up the fight. So maybe I don’t have all the answers yet, but I know that it isn’t about that. I won't give up, He won't let me. He believes in me.
Now I just need to get control of what the devil long ago claimed.........my mind.

Love Always.x

Addiction

“But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9a NIV)

Addiction is one hell of a nut to crack. Seriously. The news of Amy Winehouse being found dead in her apartment after a supposed drug and drink binge, is enough to sadden even the hardest of hearts. It is so sad, such a beautiful talented young women, so troubled, that her happiness came from losing herself completely from the world around her. Though I doubt that is what all the public will see. It's easy to hold the moral high ground if you haven’t been down in the depths of the mess, and you could never begin to understand why such an inspirational and successful women would want to escape. It is completely heartbreaking and I think it serves as a reminder to us all, that what we see on the outside does not always convey the truth on the inside.

I too have battled with addiction and it is only in the light of something so horrific as this, that I got an unbelievable wake up call about the life I had been leading. Although I have stopped the hard drugs and drink, the temptation will still be there for a long time. It threatens to break down the very new walls I build and through my faith I am trying to keep them strong. I spent a lot of time with my sister and then my mum today. Both times were so precious because for years, as they were also keen to remind me, I was never available. Although I met them at separate times today, they both told me the same story of how my addiction had eaten away at them and my dad.

When your in so deep, you don't even notice what your life is like anymore. I was getting so bad, that even my close friends were telling me I was going too far. I was on a one women mission to escape from my tortured mind and alcohol and drugs were my knights in shining armour. I wanted more and more, to the point that every weekend and then every night were further excuses to lose control and 'have a laugh'. I did not see the impact on my family, I did not see the worry I put them through when they couldn’t get hold of me on the phone, or I didn’t turn up again after I had promised them  I would make time for them. I would miss my opportunity to see my dad when he would come down every fortnight, saying I was too ill but really meaning I haven’t slept and needed the time to recover.

My Dad, Mum and Sister have got to see more of me in these past few weeks than they probably have in years. Even when I did drag myself round to see them, I was often in such a mess that I would be of no benefit to the conversations, so continued to stare into space, sweating off the last nights (or couple of hours ago) indulgence. I wasn't close to my sister or my nephews as I should of been, I was angry and argumentative towards my parents and I just generally lived for the next time I could drink/snort etc. it all away. My disorder did not have a chance of stabilising itself while I was putting myself under these rigorous conditions.

I am not that girl anymore. This was me, just two months ago. My cocaine habit and my drinks habit was getting to a point that I was so lost in it, I didn’t ever think I'd return. My sister and mum told me today that they were waiting for a phone call to tell them I'd been found dead. That is a sobering thought.

My uncle was an addict for over 20 years of his life, in and out of prison and rehabilitation centres, only to end up back where he started. Then as he passed his 40th birthday, he found the Lord and changed his life completely. He worked for the first time in his life and enjoyed the true pleasure of great friendships and most of all great faith. He found in God, the father he had always wanted, a man who loved him exactly as he was. And that's why, he left our world to join the father in his throne room, in heavenly places. I know that the Lord saved my uncle and showed him the beauty of real life. I think my Uncle loved his Father so much, that he was ready to be beside him. His picture is next to my bed and I can feel his guiding words caressing my mind, to help me leave my addiction behind. He knows I can do it and it's his story that inspires me to keep up the strength needed for this battle.

So I dedicate my addiction recovery to my beautiful Uncle Michael, who proved you can do anything if you have Faith. I love you and miss you every day.xxx

Love Always.x

So Many Questions

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

I'm starting to understand and play over in my head whether I can actually accept the `idea' of God in my life. It's been a very strange discovery that I am much more judgemental than I ever thought I would be. This both shocks and disappoints me. The thing is, I have been praying to God on and off for much of my teen and adult years. But that is all I would do, pray. I would pray with thanks for my day, but I would also be thanking mother nature and the things within me and around me! You see, I wanted to cover all bases of life, forgetting that there is only one of all these which needed to be thanked. The one that combined them all! But regardless of that, I felt confident talking in private to God and I'd just decided I knew he was there and we could talk and I could be thankful and that would be great.

Now comes the tricky part. I want to believe further, but as I try to get closer to God, I am needing more and more evidence of factual information, almost as if I am testing him to prove his power and authenticity, which I know is wrong. I am in awe of this new-found judgemental God questioner that has emerged within me and it is quite a difficult task to shake it off.
Whenever I would be at one of my many house parties and I was wrecked, I would find somebody in the party who was really pro science and use this as an opportunity to talk endlessly about my thinking of how science doesn’t really exist and more snide remarks to show I believed in a higher truth. Or so I thought. Now those quips and remarks seem to have been lost in translation and I can't remember any of my argumentative truths that I was discussing. In case I am not clear.....I am the victim of my own sarcasm. I actually didn’t have a clue what I was talking about and yet I really thought I did.

Now I have been discovered again by God, I have more questions and concerns than I ever thought possible. I am so thirsty for knowledge that I have literally bought over 10 books and have been reading them daily to try to get an understanding of my faith. This is what all the books say too about if we're doubting or confused, you just 'gotta have faith'. That's great and I can understand it's importance, but how can I have faith when I have grown up in a world that has proof for every answer and that is how we know whether things exist or not? As soon as one part of me starts to believe in the miracle of God, even my own, the other part of me starts firing questions about proof, validity and the scientific meaning for almost everything. I HATE SCIENCE, that’s what really is confusing me. I didn’t enjoy it at school and I always thought it was rather narrow minded to assume that you had to see something to believe it. So why have I got all these questions? Why can't I just put my faith in God and trust that my understanding will come? Maybe its my mental condition, the permanent need to enclose myself in a protective unchangeable shell or is it because I got hurt or let  down when I have relied on things in the past, that I am too scared to move on? I wonder whether I am scared to lose control and maybe people will judge me and I won't know how to handle it. I really don't know and I am unsure if anybody could know.

As I read time and time again, its about having faith and just believing in something that our human minds can't always understand. It's about looking at the path  you have led and whether that’s the one you want to continue on. If it is Good Luck to you, but I know that the only way to get out  of the darkness is to trust that the light will come and believe that it is there waiting for you. So in fact, faith is very much like that, I've just got to believe that the light is there, even though I can't always see it.

Love Always.x

My Dark Day

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  (Hebrews 11:1)

Today has been hard. My resistance to change is stronger than I had even anticipated. No matter what helpful book I read, or how much Patricia King (Glory School DVD) I watched, I could not focus properly. In fact, I felt really fed up and annoyed. I do know that I'll continue to have bad days, my illness is still at large the biggest part of my life at the moment and that makes it somewhat harder to initiate something or someone else into my crowded mind. My solution to this unfortunately, was to get stoned and spend the remainder of the day playing on Sims. Not my proudest decision and certainly not my wisest. What surprises me the most though, is I still made myself commit to writing this blog, because I really do want to continue my journey with God. I am a fool, but one who means well and who is still sure that regardless of my resistance, I will get through this pain and shambles that is my life.

The weirdest thing about today though, is I believe I had my first proper revelation last night. I have had a vision before, which I'll talk about another time, but this was different.  Last night, straight after writing last nights blog, I got into bed and before sleeping, I prayed. I was telling God about how I hoped that this blog may help someone else who is in my position and just general chat about its content and I also apologised for sarcastically mentioning the burning bush. As I was praying the signal of the TV in my room was playing up so when I finished, I went in my front room to check the receiver. Next to this receiver was a book I am currently reading (How to Study the Bible - Tim Lahaye)and on its back, facing me were the words: Making God's words your own.'

!!!WOTTTT!!! Now, even the most cynical of us would have to admit that is one hell of a coincidence. As it turns out the receiver was all plugged in no issues, and the book would never usually be there, I usually keep it on my bookshelf. I was very excited and slightly astounded and wrote this down immediately. Now, I am no authority on revelations or messages but I do understand that they are dependant on the individual and this to me felt like validation for what I'm writing. You can make your own minds up!

Having that happen last night and then the complete lack of feeling and understanding today has completely confused me. I am wondering to myself if maybe this is a test of faith.....in which case I have failed miserably! I ran back to sedating myself against the world and blocking out the possibility of further love and understanding from the Lord.

But......I am a realistic person. I am not perfect and I am not a failure. The very fact that I am admitting I have sinned and realising that I do it when I feel confusion and resistance is a good lesson for me to learn. I still battle with the `lusts of the flesh' and often resort back to being a prisoner in my own mind, desperate for freedom but terrified of the possibility of true happiness. This battle is one that has been with me for many years and it seems to be intent on reminding me that it won't leave so easily. I have lived a life with a label of distress and that has become who I am and that's a scary awakening to face. Sometimes, like today, it gets too much and I need to return to that darkness where I am so adapted to being. The light scares me, especially my own. In fact, I am too worried that without the darkness as my alter ego, I won't survive at all. Who will I be and what will I do? The answer to that question of course is ..............have Faith. That is my saviour, that will lead me along this journey. Yes, have Faith and Salvation is mine.

Love always.x

Changes are Welcome!

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.” (Revelation 3:20).

 Being off work dealing with another one of my depressive cycles, has turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I am actually healing this time and not in any way how I thought I would be. And yes, I do think my faith has a huge part to play in these changes and for that I am forever grateful.

One of the hardest things about being Bipolar is having to deal with the two different women who seem to live inside of me at any given time. It has been so long since the real me has been on the scene, that I almost completely forgot she existed. If I wasn’t throwing myself into work, I was throwing alcohol down my throat or drugs up my nose. Sorry to be blunt, but that is the truth of it. Effectively, I was living in a state of permanent sedation, from me, from the world and from God.

If you had told me just over 2 months ago that I would be off drugs and alcohol (with the occasion of a small spliff here and there), and that I would be turning my life to God, I would have laughed you out of the room. In fact, I probably would of felt quite sorry for you and immediately informed you that not even God could help me out of my mess. HOW WRONG I WAS!

After the initial experience of feeling the pure love of God caressing me in that garden, something in me changed. It then propelled me to do the full confession and admit my sins, while sat at this computer, and ask for his forgiveness. To be honest, I had nowhere else to go and I felt like he had offered me an olive branch which I'd be stupid not to take. I welcomed Jesus into my heart and asked for his help for me to follow him for the rest of my life. In fact, below is the exact words I said, which were from the site allaboutgod.com:

“Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.”

Now, I am quite a dramatic individual at times, so to be honest I was expecting something quite dramatic to happen. Maybe an appearance of Jesus, I would even settle for a small fragment of the burning bush, but no, literally nothing happened. I therefore said the words again, with all the meaning I could muster, but still to no success. I decided that this was maybe too expectant of me, so I went to bed, pleased that I had at least shown that I was willing to stand up and admit where I had gone wrong and hoped that he would hear me. That he would forgive me and that my life as I knew it was over.

The next day I did feel positive on rising and where I would usually scream at my boyfriend for the slightest minor issue, I decided to be passive. That unfortunately, only lasted till lunch. I then turned back into the two headed witch and screamed and cried and generally felt the horrific affects of full blown depression. I decided that I had not been saved, that I was actually too rotten an apple to help and I felt very sorry for myself. I was frustrated, expecting all of my pain to be removed, only to find that fiery bowl of anger was still there. The good thing though, was that this time I did not seek answers in the bottom of a spirit bottle, this time, I just rode it out. 

A few weeks has passed since that day and though I have had no revelation and God has not come down and physically shook my hand, I have changed. That ball of pain and anger is still often there, but it is less likely to spit out at anyone or to burn inwardly and erupt inside of me. My worries are still there, but rather than letting them engulf me and occupy my every waking thought, I acknowledge them and let them pass. My family and I are now closer than we've ever been. Part of that is due to me being available and not drunk/high/working too much, but also I am just a nicer person to be around. I understand the importance of being close to my family, to showing them how much I love them and also thanking them for their unbelievable patience with me.

I have only just started out on the path to greater glory, I have literally just been born (again). My life has taken on a new purpose and this time, I am excited about the journey as well as the destination. Accepting God into my life and Jesus as my saviour, I really have been saved. Now that, beats a burning bush any day!

Love Always.x

Welcome to my World

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps."  (Proverbs 16:9 NLT)

As with any journey, I've got a lot to prepare. I just did not realise how much! That’s why I wanted to record it, so I am able to look back and see the changes that I've made and identify those that have been made in me. This is a time for change, for me to look honestly at the life I've been living and the path, I somehow stumbled upon.

I promise one thing throughout every entry, that I will only speak the truth.100% honesty, which as far as faith is concerned, is a pretty fundamental attribute. However, this promise does mean that I may upset or offend people who may not agree with my choices, past or present and who believe me to be unworthy or any other terminology that could be used. This is not my intention. The experiences I will explain in brief from my past, set me right up there with the sinners, as so many of us have been. I am also acutely aware that there is likely to be more issues that I will need to seek forgiveness from, but I will take each day as it comes.
 
I am a complex creature, as are we all. Firstly, I would like to get it out there and say that I do suffer from Bipolar Disorder and yes I am on medication. I have started writing this during one of the worst depressive episodes I have ever had. In fact, I do not think that my mind has ever hated me as much as it has done in the last few months. The reason I tell you this, is because my entries may be reflective of my state of mind at any given time, but I'm still in here, fighting strong. This illness has brought me to my knees and in doing so has revealed something I never thought it would. It has showed me the Lord. My Lord. Your Lord. Our Lord. He has come and shown me that I am worthy, if not to myself, at least to him. But the journey only starts there, my mind is a vicious opponent to radical change and is attacking me daily with thoughts of disbelief and fear. But this is one battle, that I am willing to get in the ring for, this battle I will fight with my heart and with my faith, I pray: Please keep me focused, Please believe in me and Please don't let me forget how wonderful it is to know I am following the most beautiful thing of all; The Truth. 

In a nutshell, I have spent my past years loving the highs and lows of drug and alcohol induced living. I have partied like it was going out of fashion. I have been disrespectful towards the world around me and I have chosen to ignore every good bit of advice, so I can enjoy myself. But although these afforded me some excellent escape routes to life, they never provided lasting peace. No matter how many vodka bottles I downed, Mr Happy was not in the bottom of them. Add that to the painful infliction of my mind (I have a short blog about my Bipolar condition on my profile, which I never made public) and I have been pretty messed up for a long time. In short, I was no longer living, just existing in a man made cocktail of lows and highs, passions and pains. It was time to stop.

Then I was rescued. I dedicate this Blog to my beautiful family, but also to two wonderful people called Anya and Vin, who without, I wouldn't have lasted much longer without finally ruining my life for good. It is these angels, who coexist as humans alongside us all, that led me to feel the pure intense love of God's Kingdom and who essentially, have saved me from myself.

My journey began with an awakening in their garden, where they placed their hands on me and spoke words which I do not know (I presume from the Bible) to cleanse me of the pain and suffering I was experiencing. In doing so, I began to shake and when they finished, I felt what can only be described as an intense love surrounding me. This was unlike anything I had ever felt and it was my first experience of a life outside of my tortured mind, where everything finally made sense. The love these individuals shared with me, had a source and they had revealed it to me. Essentially, I felt I was home.

I have also had other experiences of a similar kind in recent weeks, which I can talk about at a later date, but all have been incredible, with amazing people and have been soothing to my frantic and bitter mind. However, I do understand that experience alone will not increase my faith and knowledge or make me a committed or worthy follower. Therefore, I am going to start this journey as a complete novice and develop my understanding of God and his Kingdom so I can walk alongside him in the years to come.

Just to be very clear again....I am a complete novice. Aside from being Christened at birth, I have no understanding of the Bible or the right way in which to pray. All I do know is, the world that has just opened up to me is a larger one than I ever imagined. It is completely opposite to the life I have been living and the belief systems I have followed in the past. I would be lying if I said part of me wasn’t resisting this change and my hunt for factual evidence is borderline obsessive. But great things, take great time. I can already see from the books I have bought to the articles I have read, that there are various understandings and beliefs about what is right and wrong and how to live your life. My aim therefore is not to dedicate myself to any one sect, I am a believer of God and Jesus Christ our Lord and the rest will be revealed along the way. Some people may disagree with my opinions and parts of my journey may be completely opposed, but ultimately, there is only one person who's opinion counts and that is where my heart will lead.

I do not yet know who I will tell of this Blog existing, it may just be a personal memoir that I treasure as a diary of my growth. But if you do come across this and find it to be of interest to you, then thank you. If you are a non believer as I was only a month or so ago, then this may prove a useful tool in opening your mind and heart to a truth beyond that which you have lived by. If you already hold the Lord within, then know this, I am so excited to be a part of the Ultimate Truth for us all.

Love always. xxx