My Pain Has Taken Over

 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

Today has been a particularly low day. I was plagued with nightmares last night and my depression has hit me full force today. I am making myself write this, because I am doing this journey with God, and even in the low times, I need to commit myself to continuing what I started. I can't write anything other than a poem today, as I said yesterday, my soul writes for me when I do this. I have never shared my deep poems with anyone aside from my very close friends and family. Some I have never shown to anyone. Its my private world. This opening of my heart on this blog, shows my commitment to my faith. I know I am in darkness, but I have chosen to walk towards the light. No matter how long that may take, God is still guiding me to continue on. I want a relationship with Him and I come into it, with my heart open and my soul laid bare. I know he will understand and be patient with my pain and I know that some day, the despair I feel, will lift. I know this, because above all else, I have Faith.


Welcome inside my tortured mind,
A poisonous pit you'll be sure to find
The hatred boils from deep within
Even in faith, I continue to sin

The walls of darkness surround me in fear
I can't help wondering why I'm here
Why am I hurting, why do I cry
Why do I always feel like I'm living a lie

I cant believe I'm here again, I can't believe my mind
Why is there nothing positive I can seem to find
A troubled girl that’s what they see
That's all it seems I'll ever be

I'm terrified of waking, I'm scared to go to sleep
No place seems safe enough for my company to keep
The tears of anger burn as they fall
Sometimes I come close to ending it all

A mental affliction is what I'm told
The disorder that captivates me two-fold
Slings me into happiness, so extreme I touch the sky
Then right back down to darkened days, where I can only cry

Up and down I swing, always to and fro
Where’s the next place my mind will go
The world could never really see
The battle that goes on inside of me

I'm still that teenage girl, lost behind the pain
I'm back where I left off, over and over again
Why can't I learn to see the beauty inside
It seems too deep, there's no seeker for what it hides

I'm breaking down, I'm  falling apart
Just another fragment of my broken heart
When will I rise and when will I see
That the person I need to look for, is the real me

Where has she gone, that scared little girl
Why does she keep running to her strange and lonely world
When will her smile come from her heart
When will she stop letting the darkness tear her apart

Addiction to everything, it just takes me away
Its addiction to pain at the end of the day
I want to be happy, I want you all to see
That somewhere in there, is the happy, never forgotten me....

Love Always.x