My Dark Day

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  (Hebrews 11:1)

Today has been hard. My resistance to change is stronger than I had even anticipated. No matter what helpful book I read, or how much Patricia King (Glory School DVD) I watched, I could not focus properly. In fact, I felt really fed up and annoyed. I do know that I'll continue to have bad days, my illness is still at large the biggest part of my life at the moment and that makes it somewhat harder to initiate something or someone else into my crowded mind. My solution to this unfortunately, was to get stoned and spend the remainder of the day playing on Sims. Not my proudest decision and certainly not my wisest. What surprises me the most though, is I still made myself commit to writing this blog, because I really do want to continue my journey with God. I am a fool, but one who means well and who is still sure that regardless of my resistance, I will get through this pain and shambles that is my life.

The weirdest thing about today though, is I believe I had my first proper revelation last night. I have had a vision before, which I'll talk about another time, but this was different.  Last night, straight after writing last nights blog, I got into bed and before sleeping, I prayed. I was telling God about how I hoped that this blog may help someone else who is in my position and just general chat about its content and I also apologised for sarcastically mentioning the burning bush. As I was praying the signal of the TV in my room was playing up so when I finished, I went in my front room to check the receiver. Next to this receiver was a book I am currently reading (How to Study the Bible - Tim Lahaye)and on its back, facing me were the words: Making God's words your own.'

!!!WOTTTT!!! Now, even the most cynical of us would have to admit that is one hell of a coincidence. As it turns out the receiver was all plugged in no issues, and the book would never usually be there, I usually keep it on my bookshelf. I was very excited and slightly astounded and wrote this down immediately. Now, I am no authority on revelations or messages but I do understand that they are dependant on the individual and this to me felt like validation for what I'm writing. You can make your own minds up!

Having that happen last night and then the complete lack of feeling and understanding today has completely confused me. I am wondering to myself if maybe this is a test of faith.....in which case I have failed miserably! I ran back to sedating myself against the world and blocking out the possibility of further love and understanding from the Lord.

But......I am a realistic person. I am not perfect and I am not a failure. The very fact that I am admitting I have sinned and realising that I do it when I feel confusion and resistance is a good lesson for me to learn. I still battle with the `lusts of the flesh' and often resort back to being a prisoner in my own mind, desperate for freedom but terrified of the possibility of true happiness. This battle is one that has been with me for many years and it seems to be intent on reminding me that it won't leave so easily. I have lived a life with a label of distress and that has become who I am and that's a scary awakening to face. Sometimes, like today, it gets too much and I need to return to that darkness where I am so adapted to being. The light scares me, especially my own. In fact, I am too worried that without the darkness as my alter ego, I won't survive at all. Who will I be and what will I do? The answer to that question of course is ..............have Faith. That is my saviour, that will lead me along this journey. Yes, have Faith and Salvation is mine.

Love always.x