Welcome to my World

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps."  (Proverbs 16:9 NLT)

As with any journey, I've got a lot to prepare. I just did not realise how much! That’s why I wanted to record it, so I am able to look back and see the changes that I've made and identify those that have been made in me. This is a time for change, for me to look honestly at the life I've been living and the path, I somehow stumbled upon.

I promise one thing throughout every entry, that I will only speak the truth.100% honesty, which as far as faith is concerned, is a pretty fundamental attribute. However, this promise does mean that I may upset or offend people who may not agree with my choices, past or present and who believe me to be unworthy or any other terminology that could be used. This is not my intention. The experiences I will explain in brief from my past, set me right up there with the sinners, as so many of us have been. I am also acutely aware that there is likely to be more issues that I will need to seek forgiveness from, but I will take each day as it comes.
 
I am a complex creature, as are we all. Firstly, I would like to get it out there and say that I do suffer from Bipolar Disorder and yes I am on medication. I have started writing this during one of the worst depressive episodes I have ever had. In fact, I do not think that my mind has ever hated me as much as it has done in the last few months. The reason I tell you this, is because my entries may be reflective of my state of mind at any given time, but I'm still in here, fighting strong. This illness has brought me to my knees and in doing so has revealed something I never thought it would. It has showed me the Lord. My Lord. Your Lord. Our Lord. He has come and shown me that I am worthy, if not to myself, at least to him. But the journey only starts there, my mind is a vicious opponent to radical change and is attacking me daily with thoughts of disbelief and fear. But this is one battle, that I am willing to get in the ring for, this battle I will fight with my heart and with my faith, I pray: Please keep me focused, Please believe in me and Please don't let me forget how wonderful it is to know I am following the most beautiful thing of all; The Truth. 

In a nutshell, I have spent my past years loving the highs and lows of drug and alcohol induced living. I have partied like it was going out of fashion. I have been disrespectful towards the world around me and I have chosen to ignore every good bit of advice, so I can enjoy myself. But although these afforded me some excellent escape routes to life, they never provided lasting peace. No matter how many vodka bottles I downed, Mr Happy was not in the bottom of them. Add that to the painful infliction of my mind (I have a short blog about my Bipolar condition on my profile, which I never made public) and I have been pretty messed up for a long time. In short, I was no longer living, just existing in a man made cocktail of lows and highs, passions and pains. It was time to stop.

Then I was rescued. I dedicate this Blog to my beautiful family, but also to two wonderful people called Anya and Vin, who without, I wouldn't have lasted much longer without finally ruining my life for good. It is these angels, who coexist as humans alongside us all, that led me to feel the pure intense love of God's Kingdom and who essentially, have saved me from myself.

My journey began with an awakening in their garden, where they placed their hands on me and spoke words which I do not know (I presume from the Bible) to cleanse me of the pain and suffering I was experiencing. In doing so, I began to shake and when they finished, I felt what can only be described as an intense love surrounding me. This was unlike anything I had ever felt and it was my first experience of a life outside of my tortured mind, where everything finally made sense. The love these individuals shared with me, had a source and they had revealed it to me. Essentially, I felt I was home.

I have also had other experiences of a similar kind in recent weeks, which I can talk about at a later date, but all have been incredible, with amazing people and have been soothing to my frantic and bitter mind. However, I do understand that experience alone will not increase my faith and knowledge or make me a committed or worthy follower. Therefore, I am going to start this journey as a complete novice and develop my understanding of God and his Kingdom so I can walk alongside him in the years to come.

Just to be very clear again....I am a complete novice. Aside from being Christened at birth, I have no understanding of the Bible or the right way in which to pray. All I do know is, the world that has just opened up to me is a larger one than I ever imagined. It is completely opposite to the life I have been living and the belief systems I have followed in the past. I would be lying if I said part of me wasn’t resisting this change and my hunt for factual evidence is borderline obsessive. But great things, take great time. I can already see from the books I have bought to the articles I have read, that there are various understandings and beliefs about what is right and wrong and how to live your life. My aim therefore is not to dedicate myself to any one sect, I am a believer of God and Jesus Christ our Lord and the rest will be revealed along the way. Some people may disagree with my opinions and parts of my journey may be completely opposed, but ultimately, there is only one person who's opinion counts and that is where my heart will lead.

I do not yet know who I will tell of this Blog existing, it may just be a personal memoir that I treasure as a diary of my growth. But if you do come across this and find it to be of interest to you, then thank you. If you are a non believer as I was only a month or so ago, then this may prove a useful tool in opening your mind and heart to a truth beyond that which you have lived by. If you already hold the Lord within, then know this, I am so excited to be a part of the Ultimate Truth for us all.

Love always. xxx