“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
I'm starting to understand and play over in my head whether I can actually accept the `idea' of God in my life. It's been a very strange discovery that I am much more judgemental than I ever thought I would be. This both shocks and disappoints me. The thing is, I have been praying to God on and off for much of my teen and adult years. But that is all I would do, pray. I would pray with thanks for my day, but I would also be thanking mother nature and the things within me and around me! You see, I wanted to cover all bases of life, forgetting that there is only one of all these which needed to be thanked. The one that combined them all! But regardless of that, I felt confident talking in private to God and I'd just decided I knew he was there and we could talk and I could be thankful and that would be great.
Now comes the tricky part. I want to believe further, but as I try to get closer to God, I am needing more and more evidence of factual information, almost as if I am testing him to prove his power and authenticity, which I know is wrong. I am in awe of this new-found judgemental God questioner that has emerged within me and it is quite a difficult task to shake it off.
Whenever I would be at one of my many house parties and I was wrecked, I would find somebody in the party who was really pro science and use this as an opportunity to talk endlessly about my thinking of how science doesn’t really exist and more snide remarks to show I believed in a higher truth. Or so I thought. Now those quips and remarks seem to have been lost in translation and I can't remember any of my argumentative truths that I was discussing. In case I am not clear.....I am the victim of my own sarcasm. I actually didn’t have a clue what I was talking about and yet I really thought I did.
Now I have been discovered again by God, I have more questions and concerns than I ever thought possible. I am so thirsty for knowledge that I have literally bought over 10 books and have been reading them daily to try to get an understanding of my faith. This is what all the books say too about if we're doubting or confused, you just 'gotta have faith'. That's great and I can understand it's importance, but how can I have faith when I have grown up in a world that has proof for every answer and that is how we know whether things exist or not? As soon as one part of me starts to believe in the miracle of God, even my own, the other part of me starts firing questions about proof, validity and the scientific meaning for almost everything. I HATE SCIENCE, that’s what really is confusing me. I didn’t enjoy it at school and I always thought it was rather narrow minded to assume that you had to see something to believe it. So why have I got all these questions? Why can't I just put my faith in God and trust that my understanding will come? Maybe its my mental condition, the permanent need to enclose myself in a protective unchangeable shell or is it because I got hurt or let down when I have relied on things in the past, that I am too scared to move on? I wonder whether I am scared to lose control and maybe people will judge me and I won't know how to handle it. I really don't know and I am unsure if anybody could know.
As I read time and time again, its about having faith and just believing in something that our human minds can't always understand. It's about looking at the path you have led and whether that’s the one you want to continue on. If it is Good Luck to you, but I know that the only way to get out of the darkness is to trust that the light will come and believe that it is there waiting for you. So in fact, faith is very much like that, I've just got to believe that the light is there, even though I can't always see it.
Love Always.x
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