"No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame..." (Psalms 25:3)
I tried to focus today on reading the Bible, and started with the advised 1John, so that I could understand the importance of believing Jesus as the Son of God. I also read this yesterday, but read it using The Message, an easier to understand Bible, especially for a new born like me. So today I read all of 1John(NI) and absorbed the words as best I could, focusing on believing and understanding the importance of this letter.
It is beautiful for it suggests hope and is based on the principle that I truly believe in, which is loving others. This is something that I think everybody would agree is the principle to a happy life, with only love, of course the world would be a better place. I still battled with the idea of it being the truth though. The point of it was good, but the Bible is so alien to me and I have already read so many spiritual books, that the message seems the same just a different story teller.
This sparked great misery in me, I really felt like this was just unbelievably difficult. Why have I got such an issue about believing in God? I then went on the internet and have been cross referencing so many different sources, I have lost track of time completely and I really am feeling the pressures of my cynicism caving in on me. The dark forces of the devil must have found a great user of me and just aren’t willing to give me up. I am trying so hard to fight, to just believe, to appreciate the new life I am leading and trust that its great because of God. But, I can't seem to do it.
What I have realised however, is that whenever I look at things from the perspective of God, Jesus, the Bible, I have another unrelated reason or answer to justify the changes/events/miracles. My overstuffed brain is fit to burst and there just doesn’t seem to be room for another theory. I seek evidence, factual proof because relying on feelings isn’t enough for me.
The one thing that really does stand out from the things I have read though. is the fact that the existence of our world, each person on it and the natural/scientific/moral laws all seem to be perfectly in balance. As many (even scientific) websites claim, this is so unlikely that it seems we do have a divine creator. But here’s the thing, inside of me I really do know that. I always have. It's why I could never read the book Sophie's World when I was younger, because I knew pondering the start of our universe couldn’t be understood by my mind. The thought overwhelmed me, likes its doing now. I am back to being that 11 year old, stopped in my tracks and desperately pleading for the answer to just be known to me.
I can assure you that no matter how many books on life,spirituality and science you read, you don't ever really seem to get closer to that answer, and I've read a lot. Too much. I've been searching for the answer outside of myself. Some phases, like different forms of new age thinking, I have adopted over the years, only to be left unfulfilled, feeling like the missing link was screaming out for me to find it but it was just out of reach, That’s what I am still doing now, I am looking at the word God and finding everything I can about him, assessing where this fits in with my world.
But it doesn’t, it doesn’t have to. We must fit in with His. This isn’t about force, this isn’t about ridiculous rituals to assure that you are worthy. This quest is about going back to basics, getting rid of the internal chatter that tells you there must be evidence outside of ourselves to make it authentic.
I am no closer to God for the factual evidence I have received or the arguments against the existence of our creator. My mind is so muddled, it actually hurts to think and yet behind all the stress and worry, I feel this amazing sense of calm encouraging me to go on. My resistance grows stronger but so does it's opposition. I have never had to deal with this amount of sheer opposition to any new waves of thinking I have pursued in the past and this is what excites me. Maybe He knows me better than I thought, he knows that I need time, that I need understanding and that I need to find myself in him and him in me to really get the answers I need. I believe that this must be what Faith is. Regardless of the world out there with its enormous resources and new found ways of living, there is Truth. And my continued battle with it can only be called one thing, Faith. It is keeping me on this journey, even though my mind is determined to give up the fight. So maybe I don’t have all the answers yet, but I know that it isn’t about that. I won't give up, He won't let me. He believes in me.
Now I just need to get control of what the devil long ago claimed.........my mind.
Love Always.x
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