Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)
Family and friends are the key components to my healing process. I am so lucky that I am blessed with such an amazing, close family and some incredible friends. When you are overcome with darkness, it is a humbling experience to witness the love that comes from those around you. I am in awe of the love that exists in my close circle and spending time with them truly lifts my spirits.
These past few dark months that I've been dealing with, have completely blown me away with the sheer force of the misery they contain. I have been so disgusted with myself at times, just because I am alive, that if I could have peeled off my skin and crawled away, I would have. Many people have also had similar experiences, and believe me there are more than we know who continue to wear a mask to shield the utter despair they feel inside. Depression is a cruel curse to have on you. It plagues your mind, finding those things you thought you hid away and bringing them full force into your being, over and over. The mirror becomes a doorway of hate and disgust, you are literally on Hells doorstep and you cant seem to move away. The force of deep unhappiness becomes so strong, that some days it takes all you are, just to lift your head from the pillow. You are completely floored by the extreme hate you feel, mainly for yourself, but also to the world around you.
People will often say to me: "But look how luck you are, you have a great job, a great family, a man who loves you, a lovely home and loads of friends, you don't need to be depressed." I understand I have all of those things and I am truly grateful for them (bit too much when I'm manic), but it is not the outside factors that are bothering me, its my perception of them and myself. This is a hard idea to grasp for most people. We're so used to basing our happiness and success levels on the outside world, our material possessions or job status etc., that we forget about the reality. True success will never really come from anything that can be bought or earned through competition. True success is knowing who you are and accepting it and accepting everyone else for who they are, too. Living from a centre of love is the only guaranteed road to experiencing happiness. My depression and my disorder, I believe, are from a lack of love. I stopped loving myself a long long time ago. Different experiences I have had in my life, turned my image of who I am and what I am worth into a scary enemy. That black shadow sits within me all the time, reminding me of the worthless person I am and pulling me further and further into my own living hell.
I always thought life was supposed to be beautiful and I still dreamed of that life all the time. But, I have been lost for longer than I care to remember. How do I remember how to love myself again? The answer in my case, was remembering who loves me. Beyond my family and friends, a greater force of love has been there in the background all along, silent but ever present. In some rare moments (even when manic or low) I would get glimpses of this force, this peace that would wash over me and leave me with a feeling of completeness, of being whole again. They would often be fleeting moments, but they were there long enough to leave an impression on my soul. Once they had gone, my tortured mind would bring in the black shadow, quick enough, it seemed it had never moved and my life would carry on.
People call that force, the real self and to a point I do believe that. That is who we're meant to be, happy and feeling and giving genuine love. But, even my real self would buckle under the abuse I've put myself through, so I knew it had to be something outside of me almost. I understand today that what I felt in those moments was the presence of something great, pure light. The name I give that experience, is the presence of God. I believe it was him reminding me that even in true darkness, a light can shine. He was my light, casting out my shadow. I was just too blinded by the world outside of me, that I forgot to look for the Truth. The reason I know this, is because in my darkness now, there has been a force that has been leading me to greater things. As said in previous entries, my compulsive working hard and partying hard ethos to life was drowning me. Add that to the tough mental challenges I face with my disorder and anyone could see, I was on numbered days till I finally lost it all together.
These past few months have dropped me to my knees, but only because I got there, have I found out that there really is a God and he really does love me. I can feel that love, I know he cares and I know he has always cared. I used to talk to him and ask for him to keep me guided and to keep me strong, even though I messed up over and over. God never forgot about me, I was just too blind to see what was available right in front of me if I was just willing to believe. He rescued me over and over, when many situations could have been fatal and some nearly were. But I knew after I survived that there was some bigger force who wanted me to go on, who saw better things and believed that I would too. Finally, I have found him. The battle is not over yet, the shadows still creep in, but they don’t seem to be able to dig down as far and get as comfortable as they used to. There’s a new sheriff in town and there is no room for darkness in the light.
Today, I have learnt to love God. I have reflected on my past and looked at my current situation and experiences. I am proud to be a child of God. I am fortunate to have woken up from my nightmare early enough to show him that I was worth waiting for. The path ahead may be rocky, I may lose faith and undoubtedly I will make mistakes along the way. But, one thing I do know is, I won't be alone and when I'm ready, I'll get back up and continue our walk.......
Love Always.x
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