Addiction

“But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9a NIV)

Addiction is one hell of a nut to crack. Seriously. The news of Amy Winehouse being found dead in her apartment after a supposed drug and drink binge, is enough to sadden even the hardest of hearts. It is so sad, such a beautiful talented young women, so troubled, that her happiness came from losing herself completely from the world around her. Though I doubt that is what all the public will see. It's easy to hold the moral high ground if you haven’t been down in the depths of the mess, and you could never begin to understand why such an inspirational and successful women would want to escape. It is completely heartbreaking and I think it serves as a reminder to us all, that what we see on the outside does not always convey the truth on the inside.

I too have battled with addiction and it is only in the light of something so horrific as this, that I got an unbelievable wake up call about the life I had been leading. Although I have stopped the hard drugs and drink, the temptation will still be there for a long time. It threatens to break down the very new walls I build and through my faith I am trying to keep them strong. I spent a lot of time with my sister and then my mum today. Both times were so precious because for years, as they were also keen to remind me, I was never available. Although I met them at separate times today, they both told me the same story of how my addiction had eaten away at them and my dad.

When your in so deep, you don't even notice what your life is like anymore. I was getting so bad, that even my close friends were telling me I was going too far. I was on a one women mission to escape from my tortured mind and alcohol and drugs were my knights in shining armour. I wanted more and more, to the point that every weekend and then every night were further excuses to lose control and 'have a laugh'. I did not see the impact on my family, I did not see the worry I put them through when they couldn’t get hold of me on the phone, or I didn’t turn up again after I had promised them  I would make time for them. I would miss my opportunity to see my dad when he would come down every fortnight, saying I was too ill but really meaning I haven’t slept and needed the time to recover.

My Dad, Mum and Sister have got to see more of me in these past few weeks than they probably have in years. Even when I did drag myself round to see them, I was often in such a mess that I would be of no benefit to the conversations, so continued to stare into space, sweating off the last nights (or couple of hours ago) indulgence. I wasn't close to my sister or my nephews as I should of been, I was angry and argumentative towards my parents and I just generally lived for the next time I could drink/snort etc. it all away. My disorder did not have a chance of stabilising itself while I was putting myself under these rigorous conditions.

I am not that girl anymore. This was me, just two months ago. My cocaine habit and my drinks habit was getting to a point that I was so lost in it, I didn’t ever think I'd return. My sister and mum told me today that they were waiting for a phone call to tell them I'd been found dead. That is a sobering thought.

My uncle was an addict for over 20 years of his life, in and out of prison and rehabilitation centres, only to end up back where he started. Then as he passed his 40th birthday, he found the Lord and changed his life completely. He worked for the first time in his life and enjoyed the true pleasure of great friendships and most of all great faith. He found in God, the father he had always wanted, a man who loved him exactly as he was. And that's why, he left our world to join the father in his throne room, in heavenly places. I know that the Lord saved my uncle and showed him the beauty of real life. I think my Uncle loved his Father so much, that he was ready to be beside him. His picture is next to my bed and I can feel his guiding words caressing my mind, to help me leave my addiction behind. He knows I can do it and it's his story that inspires me to keep up the strength needed for this battle.

So I dedicate my addiction recovery to my beautiful Uncle Michael, who proved you can do anything if you have Faith. I love you and miss you every day.xxx

Love Always.x