My Own Revelation From God

Our Father, who art in heaven,hallowed be thy name.Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven..... (Lords Prayer)

 

" Lord help me write the words that you are placing on my heart on here for all to read." I feel full of glory that I can barely type but felt the need to come on here and let my spirit and soul release what is being placed on my heart:

“I am doing the work of many men in you Rebecca. You are growing from strength to strength  but you need to trust me more, you need to believe. There are parts of your heart that you are holding back from me and you know what they are and they need to be unlocked. I wont hurt you or fail you so please learn to listen to the rhythm of your heart as it beats in tune with mine. You are truly blessed, a beautiful child with much hope and glory placed upon you. Others see it, so you can believe it too. It is me working through you, it is to my glory that your beauty shines to others and to you. You are a child of mine and I adore you and want us to get closer and to have a fuller relationship. Trust in me Rebecca,  for your life is in safe hands and in a safe heart. You are blessed with the seer anointing, fresh perspective on the world around you, that is  your gift to the world.. You will move strongly in the prophetic and others will see you as a gateway to the kingdom. All the riches of Christ are yours, just take the final step away from your old self and welcome your new self home to my heart and my Kingdom.  It is where you belong, child of God, of greatness of hope and glory. You are blessed because I have blessed you and you are saved because I have saved you. Believe in me, believe in you and together the changes you are so desperate to make can be made. In love always.”

Wow, I am shaking, I am being poured on, I am basking in the glory of Gods revelation to me. I typed above as I heard the words coming into my heart and will read this back before I  post it. That’s all I can type, I need to go and lie down and let the words of the Lord wash over me. He has spoken to me just now with such clarity, it has literally shook the very core of my being. This is what living with faith is like. The powers of the supernatural, the powers of my new reality. I am bathed in heavenly glory and proud to say my name is Rebecca and I am a child of the most high, the glorious God, My Father who art in heaven.......

Love Always.x 

Reading And The Real Me

 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 NIV)

I'm learning to listen to God, to be guided by Him, to be inspired by knowledge where by He seems to be speaking to me, mainly at the moment through the books He helps direct me to, in shops or online to deal with the particular area He wants me to work on next. Currently, this seems to be my ability to pray, a subject and an action that I am not exactly confident about. This may seem bizarre for someone who talks as much as me, but I find I do not know exactly what I am supposed to be saying, how often, how long for and how to position myself so that prayer time can be, well, good I suppose.

So, whilst doing some Christmas shopping with my lovely boyfriend on the weekend I felt compelled to go into a book store and found a book called 'Finding Sanctuary.' A book based on a reality TV series about people who went to spend time living in a monastery and ways to bring these principles into every day life. So I bought it and have started reading it today, with great success. Again I feel God had guided me to this book store to find this book as it has helped to answer some of the many questions I had around the prayer subject.

The most important part of wanting to listen to God was for me to be sure that it is his voice I am actually hearing and to learn to discern this when I am feeling low. The demons in my mind can sometimes play tricks on me and I wanted to make sure that this was not happening when I feel I am getting divine encounters. The main key to doing this according to the book is by first finding silent time in each day........actual silence. I am not scared of silence, so long as I can be filling my head with the knowledge from a book or documentary but actual silence does intimidate me a  lot. It creates an open gap for my mind to freely dislodge all its rather irritating and negative thought patterns and I prefer not to indulge in this more than absolute necessary. So maybe silence does scare me. Until, I read that this can be started off with 5 minutes a day and can be practised whilst reading out a part of scripture in my mind, over and over so that my mind can at least have a focus, a positive one. So this I shall be trying to engage over the next few days. Just 5 minutes in the morning and 5 in the evening, focusing on a particular short scripture and listening for God to speak back. I will be waiting and ready as I feel I always am trying to be at the moment, for that inner still voice that I know could only be His.

I realise that I may write many disheartened blog entries, but this is my diary and I do aim to be honest so this is why sometimes everything seems so sour, because I genuinely feel it. But I have become acutely aware this weekend of the subtle changes that have been made within me over the past few months. Mainly in recent days I have noticed how whenever I can I return my focus to God, claiming I love him and Him me with an everlasting love. I find myself doing it whilst even sat in traffic, a gentle reminder that I can step out of the constraints of the natural world and engage in heavenly activity wherever I happen to be. I can choose at any time to be stressed, which in all honestly, at present, often wins, but whenever I can I consciously choose to turn my focus to Jesus and think about him instead. This is new for me. Usually I seem to engage for as long as possible in the dwelling place of anger and  paranoia but I am learning that focusing on Him alleviates that pain somewhat and I not only feel calmer, but I genuinely feel I have been in His presence, well, because I have. Its small steps but its making an affect that no counsellors or other medical teams have yet been successful at implementing. No other mindfulness tricks and tips have seemed to work in the past but focusing on God does seem to do that, its amazing really. Focusing on his goodness, by default increases the feeling of my own.

Another point that was made in the book was about the contemplative and meditative act of reading, not just of the bible but of other relevant books. I definately agree with this one. For me personally at least, I feel that God speaks to me through the books I choose to read, I am engaged with the word, seeking wisdom on Him and often am  privileged to enter then into contemplative prayer where I have conversations with Him about the points that seem to jump off the page and into my heart. I had began to think that all my reading was detracting attention away from focusing on him, but it is the stage I am at and I feel that God directs me to certain books to help aid me at this point of my journey and I love that. As time goes on, the silence, the focused prayer and learning to listen to him more intently will come, but to give myself credit, I am learning a lot and feel that the books he leads me to are the way He wants me to be engaging with him at present.

As my journey continues on, I find myself not only getting to know God better, but also getting to know who I am better as well. I didn’t originally think that this was possible. In the beginning I was concerned that I would lose myself and become some sort of mindless clone, following a book that told people to behave in a way that denied them freedom of expression but the exact opposite is happening. Somehow, through getting closer to God, the real me is having the confidence to emerge and the framework that the dedicated reading and study time is providing, is helping me to embrace who I am more so than ever before. I am strangely becoming who I always knew I was, but was too scared to really be. By finding faith, I have found my original self, no masks, no games, just me, the way I was created to be. It is why the journey is so hard, its uncharted territory for me, but it is an amazing pathway and although I am aware that the strength of the demons seem to grow in their desperation to keep me away from the truth, so does my desire to conquer them. I am growing beyond the boundaries that life on this earth tells us we need to be kept behind and searching out the path less travelled in my own wilderness. Its a choice I make every day and its a decision that I never really knew would lead me right back to where I was when I was first born, the real, unique human that is me. Onwards I go!

Love Always.x

Healing And Anxiety

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7 NIV)

Its been a strange few days, both a blessing and a curse, so to speak. My anxiety attacks have been ferociously eating away at any remnants of  positivity left in my soul and are threatening to turn me truly insane. This medication is changing me into a scared hermit of a mess and I am losing the will to carry on at times. I feel trapped in my mind and no sedatives, no worldly and most shockingly and upsetting of all, Godly things seem to be breaking the anxiety spell. Its infuriating.

On a positive note, on Tuesday I had an amazing day with my sister, browsing the local charity shops, getting fit walking up an enormous hill (to unfit me, not to my sister!)and  using the new fat burner machine: Flabuloss. I wont go into much more detail about this miracle piece of equipment, all I will say is I found I have muscles I didn’t even know existed working inside of me. A very entertaining machine! So, the day was beautiful, spent time with my nephews too and generally savoured the beauty of the close relationship that my breakdown has birthed between me and my sister, my best friend, again. I also attended Zumba classes later that day with my mum, which was hysterical more than anything else. We had such a laugh even though we could barely keep up with the others, it was just good to be out the house and enjoying each others company, so all in all a great relational day for me.

In the night time I then went to have some healing done with my mentors Anja and Vin and this is where I think the anxiety attacks have flared up again from. Now to be clear, what happened in their house helped me immensely, more so now as the days go on, than I ever could have imagined. But the process of delving into my pain to allow Jesus to release me from it, raised a couple of sleeping demonic spirits that now don’t want to leave. The night allowed me to face up to a particular issue of abuse in my past that I had been troubled by for years and although I feel no desire to go into the details, I can only say it has caused me great distress and has had a hold over me for longer than I care to remember. As Anja led me through the healing process of pinning it to the cross, of saying my feelings and forgiving those who hurt me and forgiving myself, I screamed out as the darkness came ricocheting out of my body. Within me a storm brewed and erupted and in it all, I saw myself walk with Jesus in the garden of my soul as I realised there and then that I had allowed him to take that burden from me. He had freed me from the pain of that moment and in recent days the images that have haunted me for years have waned off. It was a deeply moving moment and as the healing continued I had a vision of me resting my hand on a tree in the garden and Jesus resting his on top of it and looking at me straight in the eye. I was fully present in the midst of the beautiful garden of my soul and it was breathtaking.

We then did communion and called the spirits of paranoia and low self worth into the throne room courts and asked God to remove them from me over and over again. I had visions of darkness being blasted with light and was left both lighter and equally surprised at the ease with which they went. Anja and Vin have began a healing process that I believe will save my life.

Yesterday after the most peaceful sleep I had had in weeks, I woke up into my own personal hell hole. I spent the day in shock, anxious and unable to move or get myself out of my desperately unhappy situation. Though healing had taken place, many familiar spirits of the past had refused to move on and were working their evil thoughts over my mind and emotions. I tried to resist by stepping back into the garden with Jesus but the enemy won over and I was paralysed with fear as I tried with all my might to focus on just breathing. This is no easy road, this is the next stage of my journey, the depression first, now the waking up and realisation of where I have been has caused anxiety to ripple through my veins and catch me off guard. I am tormented by worries of the future but amazingly, the very thing I asked to be healed has created a massive shift internally. It has left me, it has no hold over me anymore and I believe that Jesus has fully allowed me to heal in that area. But there is so much more to work through. So much more to deal with and whilst I am aware that this is a journey, so  the anxiety will eventually pass, I am still terrified about facing up to the other parts of my past that I am still yet to let go of.

I will continue to document my progress, sorry if it seems scattered but so do I seem to feel it. I am not really with it or have been in the past few weeks but I still carry my sword of faith and hope for the bright future that I know will be mine. I just want to learn to rest in God more, to trust and to get rid of the doubting that I know is stopping me from walking fully in faith. One day at a time.....

Love Always.x

Its Takes Faith To Understand

"One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple." (Psalm 27:4 NIV)

John Crowder writes that 'The pleasure of God is the very essence of the Gospel' and I believe that this statement is completely true, but not always so easy to remember! In his book 'The Ecstasy Of Loving God' which I have returned to today as felt like I needed some more supernatural charging, speaks of the fact that happiness will lead you to God and we as believers can and are meant to experience divine pleasure and abundant relationship with Him....all the time. Its what I heard the wonderful Patricia king talk about but it's amazing how easy I have found myself sinking into a bit of a religious mindset in recent days. As you would be able to see from my recent blog entries, I started worrying I wasn’t doing enough, studying enough, understanding enough to really be a part of Gods kingdom, but I've got it all wrong. I am a part of the Kingdom, I just need to remind myself of it more frequently, through spirit not just mind. In other words, faith is the key, not understanding. Initially at least.

I am amazed at how easy it is to slip into striving mode, to go back into the mind controlled zone from which I came where I thought everything had to be understood by the mind before it can be truly understood and embraced in the spirit. But God is different, I already know within my spirit all I will ever need to know, but its also fine if I want to bring my mind up to date with it too. The problem is when I begin relying on my minds understanding to release me into the kingdom, that is already mine to enter, deep academic knowledge or not! Its not about mind understanding, its about spirit understanding and embracing it wholeheartedly with just that, my heart. My head will eventually catch up but I have got to stop trying so hard to academically understand and rely more on my spirit and the guidance of the holy spirit to show me the way.

I would love to spend my life living here on earth but with my senses fully engaged in heaven and no matter how many books I read or seminars I go to, my western mindset might not fully ever be able to understand how that is possible. But the thing is, deep inside of me I know it to be true. I know its why I spent years searching for the elation that I have been fortunate to experience in the glory, but previous only found in street drugs and alcohol. Inside of me I have always yearned for something more, and now I've found it, I’m trying to make too much sense of it. Its weird that sometimes you have to  learn to rely on your inner knowledge, that gut instinct, that God place, rather than the way your mind works. After all,we are bombarded daily with images from the media which tell you to work hard and play harder and that enlightenment is to be found in external factors not from something within yourself and within a supernatural world that we naturally belong to. No wonder my mind is in such a muddle!

Its mad to me that I never read into the different types of street drugs available or their desired and not so desired effects before, during or after taking them. I put my trust fully in them because I knew from watching media and stories from other people about their effects that I could reach that level too. But now, now there is something really positive, something I can embrace fully for the rest of my life, I am trying to academically weigh it up in my mind, thinking understanding is the way to enlightenment rather than faith. It is faith that will enable me to live in the glory, the divine, the ecstatic. It is faith that will catapult me into the world I dream of living in and it is faith that will provide the framework for rebuilding the rest of my life in a way that is perfect and pleasing not just to God, but as a bonus, to me as well.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with me researching, reading, answering workbook questions, that’s me, that’s the way God wired me, I have a thirst and a passion for these very things. But it is about being careful about what I am choosing to absorb and not worrying when my carnal mind doesn’t fully understand the beauty of what I am reading. I am more than happy to read the Bible every day, that remains the most important book to read and will propel me into more glory and understanding than any other book out there, but I will be careful to make sure the other books I read are more about experience than the striving, the glory not the guilt, so I can tap into that part of my spirit that opens a portal of understanding for my soul and body to catch up. It is hard at times to think outside of what I have/we westerners have, been programmed to think like, but I am happy to rise to the challenge. After all, the glory is mine and yours alike, so lets get enjoying it!

Love Always.x

Time To Celebrate - A God Send

"Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:4 NIV)

I wonder sometimes if I am scared of being stable, of being cured, of being happy. I often wonder why the closer I get to happiness the more I seem to reject it and find myself craving the way of my old life again. In recent days and weeks I have considered going back to the old me, the one that was free of the brutality of facing up to the reality of who I truly am and what that entails. No disguises can be worn in the kingdom of God, its just you as you are and because I don't see myself as good, I guess I never truly feel like I'll fit in. I'm worried I'll always be an outsider. High self esteem is a character trait I do not yet possess.

I went to a conference Friday night with an inspirational speaker called John Scotland and the worship there was so beautiful, you could literally feel heaven invading the room. I was aware of it happening but my mind was vicious that  night and I felt under constant attack from acute self hatred and paranoia. When I am in that mode, it is so difficult for me to escape it and I start to project my insecurities onto others, imagining them looking at me and hating me, finding me a pathetic fake person who has no real beauty. It is in this dark and desperate hole that I feed the battered soul of mine that is desperate to come out and shine. It was one of the most difficult worship sessions I have experienced but I did persevere. All I kept asking to God over and over in my head was to help me. 'To please help me Lord, free me of the bondages of this pain and let me walk with you in glory.' I did feel the grip of paranoia loosen slightly but the night was different, I realised there that my demons had not yet left the building.

So, yesterday I went charity shopping with my mum and uncle, which cheered me up a lot and focused on finding God related books, of which I found nine! The day restored me back to some degree of health and I sat down in the evening to read the book which seemed to be jumping out at me and enticing me in. The name of this book is 'The Heavenly Party' by Michelle Guinness and now quarter of the way through it, I can honestly say it has been the help I asked God to give me. I believe the Holy Spirit led me to find this particular book, He knew I needed it. It is amazing and it has completely changed my feelings on wanting to go back and party with the illegal loves of my life and reminded me to embrace the glory of God in fullness once more. The book talks of celebrating our history, the Old Testament and the New, our rich heritage and the fact that we too are becoming part of that woven fabric of Gods journey with man. It opened up new portals of understanding for me to be able to relate to Jesus as a friend, rather than just the distant figure I have lately been accustomed to thinking He is. Mostly, it has made me realise that no matter how low and disgusting I feel, God is always there on His throne smiling down on me reminding me to be happy for all my cares can be put on the cross, I am free, if I would only believe.

I know I have days where these revelations come thick and fast and make me more positive and the next entry I write I seem back at square one, but that is the nature of my journey with God. I sometimes wonder if the strong medication I am on is more of a hindrance than a help, but then I realise God can work through anything. Yes there are ups and downs, but He is preparing me for my ministry on this earth and things seem to be falling into place in a way that is making me realise the pattern of my own fabric of life. That book was literally a God send, it was placed there for me to remember that I do not need to run back to the old me, that moving forwards is the best direction no matter how hard that may seem and to celebrate in  both the good and the bad times because I am a child of God, which is an occasion in itself.

I could absolutely feel in recent days my carnal nature creeping back in, the thoughts of my bitter and often twisted mind starting to control my feelings and actions and I felt lost and found, day in day out. It is a roller-coaster and I am sure it will continue to be, but God is speaking to me. This time He spoke to me through a fantastic book that dealt with the issues I am facing now. I’ve underlined the parts where I felt Gods voice was speaking directly into my heart and I will elaborate on these in future entries. But for now, I am going to go back to this useful tool he has given me and keep focused on the joy, not the pain of growing into who he intended me to be. I get closer every day, even when I don’t feel like it, He is always there, I am always changing. Forward is the way, its the way already carved out for me, I just need to take stock and live each moment with love in my heart and joy in my character. Its his way. Its an occasion to be alive in his love. All I need to do is believe.

Love Always.x

Put On The Armour Of Faith

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me...." (Psalm 28:7 NIV)

Anxiety is the devils newest weapon to keep me living in a state of permanent unhappiness and nauseating instability. It seems depression is not enough, God has been shining his light on to this sore area so the Devil has now decided that a frequent onslaught of anxiety attacks and anxious thoughts is the way to stop me moving forward. He's very clever you know. Anxiety is horrible, its a permanent state of unease where nothing satisfies the wandering mind and restless body, so your thoughts are left to feast on the parts of you that you detest. I have been engaged in this activity for most of last night and today and it really is proving difficult to move on from.

The verbal attacks in my mind range from how useless I am, how lost I feel to thinking I have no idea who I am anymore and why I am here at all. Days spent in the happiness of Gods presence were whittled down to mere blips of happiness on the sadness horizon and I even began to doubt that God is finding me very much use at the moment. To destroy my sense of survival is the function and desire of the enemy. To make me weak, to make  me resort back to my old ways of stewing in my unhappiness so that eventually I turn my back on the pain and welcome myself back  into the world of drink, drugs and separation. He is doing an outstanding job, in fact, the devil is one hell of a guy to have on your team, his persistence beats them all. All that is except God.

Out of the blue, Martin phoned me a couple of hours ago and I explained I was feeling lost and felt that I wasn’t doing enough to make God happy, that I wasn't serving people enough, that I was still just horrible old me. His words were a great comfort to me as he reminded me that this was the devil using religious beliefs to make me feel guilty. He emphasised that I am already perfect in Gods eyes and that He knows I am doing all I can to get closer to Him, I just need to be more patient with  myself. A skill, I admit, is not exactly well honed in my character. I felt the bondage of my own disapproval of myself ease and realised that what Martin was saying was true. I have come a long way in only 6 or so months and I have changed more than I give myself credit for. There’s still a lot to do, but God already knows all that and he’s just pleased I've come to him now. I left the conversation feeling like a huge load had been lifted.

The last couple of hours I have been reading Ephesians and wrote down the parts that I felt God wanted me to focus on more. I love Ephesians, its like a handy guidebook on life and I loved reading how I can make sure I remain focused and living like Christ, especially when the enemy sneaks in to my thoughts. It made me realise that no matter how low I am feeling and how many negative thoughts are attacking me, I have only got to pick up the Bible and all the answers and remedies I need are in there. I do not need to be confused, everything I need to know about life and how to handle it is written in his word and with Gods guidance, he will lead me to where I need to go to seek the solutions I need. I particularly loved this part:

Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV):

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armour of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Wow! That gave me a lot of comfort. Sometimes life is very confusing and we do not know where to turn, but if we just step into the word that God has given us, we can come through anything. The Bible is like a collection of all the self help books ever written, just in one big compilation and with only one source rather than a million different authors. You wont find anything in there that hasn’t been changed and attempted to be 're-sold' as a new theory, that isn’t already in the best book of how to live your life. So, when the enemy tries to come, in put on that suit of armour........He doesn’t stand a chance!

Love Always.x

Eyes That See

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people." (Ephesians 1:18)

I have continued my quest for bookworm of the year award winner by completely finishing my new book: The Spiritual Revolution', (as mentioned yesterday) in only two days! I devoured it as only a true thirsty child of God can and now feel at a loss, so have decided that for the books I use to actually stay with me, I should at least discuss how I felt about what I was reading and while I was reading them. The thing is, I love books, they are my true passion and in this walk with God they provide excellent tools for me to understand deeper what it means to be a part of His kingdom. In fact, since this whole new world opened up to me back all those months ago, I have read over 20 different books around the same theme, God. Many have similar views, some are varied, but none that I have yet read have given completely different messages, which is a good sign. Patricia Kings books are more geared towards the supernatural realms and that is where I choose to focus my studies, as well as on his Word and presence.

The supernatural has always fascinated me. Never feeling like I fitted in was some what comforted when I was in my teens by the knowing of a presence that seemed to stay around me all the time. I felt strangely protected when crying on my bed, knowing that I was being watched, soothed even though I couldn’t always sense what was there. On some occasions I could see pale shimmers of white light moving around my room, sometimes touching me, sometimes just passing by and I was never scared of these particular spirits. I began to assume they were my angels and the testimonies to me being alive after being in many life threatening situations (both intentional and not) seem proof that my guardian angel has never been far away.

As I begin to understand more about the supernatural realms, things in my life and mind are clicking into place. Its like knowledge I already knew, just was too scared to delve deeper, fearing it would further distance me from a world I so desperately wanted to fit into. Now though, I am proud to see that all the visions I've had, including vivid pictures of places and experiences within  my imagination, were my gifts that God has blessed me with. An amazing and deeply inspirational lady called Jane who I met recently at several of the events I go to, told me the other week that I am a 'seer.' For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, it basically means someone who has visions, both open (eyes open) and eyes closed, plus can also have transces etc. in/into the supernatural realm. I just tried finding a better description of this on Patricia Kings page(xpmedia) and the first video that came up for me to view just made me cry with astonishment. Please please view it, it couldn’t be more relevant to what I have already started talking about: http://www.xpmedia.com/YxEIFlW8JAcX.

Wow. This is what I mean when I say that I believe in God. I swear that I had written up to describing the seer, till I searched for its description. The fact that she just gave me a revelation on what I was talking about, out of all the websites and all the videos I could have picked, this is a sure sign to me that God wants me to use this gift more. I am honestly stunned that I just saw this. Thank you Jesus. This is my life and you are changing it from the inside out. I was that girl who saw things, people did tell me it was just my imagination. Of all the things for me to write about today, I chose this and was given revelation on it. My God is a good God and He knows me and is speaking to me all the time. That message has fortified in me the belief that I can see into the supernatural, a gifting that has been growing in recent months again, back like when I was a teenager. I truly believe that revelation was for me and it came at just the right time. Wow. Thank you Jesus. The revelation was so right, I used to be very aware of both good and evil and that stayed with me as I have grown up too. I felt like there was a constant battle for my soul and I had powers that could discern both good and bad. People just thought I was strange or it was a part of my illness, but this has given me more comfort than you could possibly understand. I am meant to be like this, I am meant to have seen things, I am a seer. Thank you Lord.

The last time I went to spirit school the seer gift was working in me, where I saw a vision of me (closed eye) standing in a dress covered in diamonds on a staircase and when I looked down, Jesus was staring up at me. I then turned to look up the stairway and all I could see was the brightest light shining down on top of me and the full power of its beauty and force actually floored me. My body, not in the vision, in reality, dropped to the floor and I gripped on as floods of peace and love washed through my veins. I was almost paralysed as I realised I was being bathed in the light that shone before me. I was being bathed in  love and I was powerless to do anything but accept its healing effect on my mind. No bad thoughts could enter, no fear was around me, I was enveloped in an atmosphere of light and love and understood again what it meant to be loved by my creator. Later on that night, while engaging in worship, the Lord did the same again and for the second time that night, I was floored and felt my body step  into the heavenly realms and all I could do was accept the love being poured out on me. It was magnificent and even though my human understanding cant fully comprehend how it happened, I am not dismissing it. I was there, I felt it, I saw it and I believed. I do believe and God believes in me.

That revelation feels like a key that has gone into my heart and accelerated me into more glory. The books I have read, the DVD’s I have watched are merely tools for me to deepen my understanding, but when the real deal steps in, you know about it. I know about it. I am truly blessed and I am learning more and more how to enter the place that this whole blog began for, it is my time to step in and engage in the glory realm. Glory to God.

Love Always.x

Faith And Freedom

Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace." (Luke 7:50 NIV)

My commitment to focusing only on positivity, meaning God, since my confusing outburst on my blog entry yesterday has deepened my faith in me beyond recognition. There is no room for confusion and pain in His kingdom and the longer I spend learning about Him, being aware of Him and His Word, the more I feel the dark clouds of doom lift from above me. It isn’t easy, living life without my usual selection of disguises has proven to be the hardest road I think I'll ever climb, but it has had its benefits. Many of them in fact.

My book 'The spiritual revolution' by Patricia King arrived today and after my anxious morning, just being me, I settled down to gain some more insights on what is going on in my life at the moment. I can already see how much I am growing in faith as her words no longer surprised me, just deepened my understanding to new levels. It seems that when my focus is on only the Lord, the Devil struggles to invade my mind as frequently as he would like and I relish the break from the permanent attack on my thoughts and emotions. I still don't fully understand everything yet and doubt I ever will, but the learning process is making me appreciate the reason I got here in the first place. I was truly broken, my soul was being led in directions that could only end in death, not just meaning physical, but the more obvious death of who I was, who I am intended to be. I struggled for years, reading books, watching programmes, people watching but feeling nothing ever seemed to give me any answers to why I stayed trapped behind a wall of fear and anger. I was lost and in the end I only wanted to get more lost, feeling the final goodbyes to myself more vivid everyday.

The point I am at now, is that the crushing reality of moving out slowly from behind the wall is not initially making me better. In some respects, I feel much worse. The attacks on my mind now deeply affect me on more than just a surface level as I have no weapons of vodka etc to attack them with. The daily dose of devil humour on my disillusioned idealism of myself, drops into a well almost spilling over with the pain that it has carried for too long. But and this is a big but, I do not feel like I am dying anymore. I feel like a survivor. A very troubled and distressed one yes, but a survivor none the less. I am still breathing and more than that, I still want to be. Finding God for me was like stumbling on the best cake shop you could ever find and knowing that no other place will give you the same satisfaction ever again. I've tasted the truth, the real eternal truth and I know that for the rest of my life, the search for the source is over. The master baker has been revealed and I can't get enough of Him.

To many people, this won't make any sense. Even my boyfriend threw in the suggestion that due to my depression, maybe I was more susceptible to all 'this.' Maybe the experiences of Gods presence I have had that have shook both me and my human understanding to the core were nothing more than a form of clever brainwashing. He is not the first person to suggest this to me. Many people have thought that with no drugs for me to dig my nose into, I was looking for an answer and was coaxed into believing some made up story that would get me through. To be honest, I have had the doubts myself too in the beginning. When you want happiness so desperately, of course a taster of it, means you will go head strong into finding more, but this is different. This is so far from brainwashing, it makes brainwashing look like a casual suggestion to engage in an activity such as breathing. What I have found, is a truth that makes me understand that the previous part of my life, was the bit that was in the dark. Before God, I searched for answers everywhere and I have always been dark and depressed, this time was no different from any other, only this time, God intervened.

I am strong minded but also open to new ideas and anything which will cause the pain inside to cease is a good thing for me to try and to recommend to others. I had thought of the God solution before, but I wasn’t ready, I don’t think I really wanted to know the truth, I don’t think many people do. If we all starting being who we are and stepped out of the constraints media and our society put on us, we'd be living in a different world. The world that I am starting to discover really does exist. The truth is that love prevails and inside every single person, they know that to be true, the person who advocates this, who teaches it, who made it, is God. When like me, you find it, the true answer to why you are you and how wonderful that actually is, you'll start seeing the endless possibilities that this truth entails. No more bondages, no more ties to a life that doesn’t really feel like yours. No striving, no paranoia, just acceptance, love and courage. That world is our world, we have just been blinded by our carnal natures and when the truth does come, we run, for fear that who we are wont be good enough. It is, you are and so am I.

The more I learn the more I realise that nothing else would ever have saved me. We all know that truth is the only way to ever live peacefully, lies only add confusion and build a world that is terrified to stare themselves in the mirror for fear they will see how hidden they'v let themselves become. I still have days, most days where I want to hide, I am being honest, I am not in the all clear yet, but I believe with every ounce of my being that I am finally freed from the games that living in this world entail. Its a great risk, the biggest you'll ever take but I promise you, its the one that will find who you are again and not only that, but you'll like it too and the pain of pretending, the years of striving and searching will be over, for glory will be upon you as it shines upon me. Its all starting to make sense to me, this is where I am meant to be, this is the place from which I can grow and this is the place from which the world I live in is seen through the eyes of truth I was always meant to see them through. I can only hope, that you would be brave enough to take the risk too.

Love Always.x

Confusion Or Growth?

 "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace ... "(1 Corinthians 14:33 NKJV)

I am currently reading 'The Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren, a book that requires you read a new chapter each day, bringing you closer to understanding who God is and His purpose for your life. I am enjoying the book and have been committed aside from the past two days, to following his every day reading advice. The last three days my boyfriend has been home, and I have been basking in the delight of his presence, so have chosen to make my focus him, rather than the growth in the other areas of my life. But, he has now gone out to see his family so I picked the book up again, feeling the need for some guidance and read the chapter on being transformed by our troubles. In a nutshell, its about how God uses our suffering to build our characters so we can be transformed more into the likeness of Christ and it certainly rang true with me.

The last few days since finishing the glory school DVD's, I have been confused and distracted. I feel like a body just walking around, not really engaging with life, just watching it happening it around me. Whilst I have loved every moment spent with my amazing and supportive boyfriend, I still felt like there was a hole in me, something missing. It doesn’t make any sense. Life, compared to how I lived it before, is finally starting to sort itself out. My dad, who like the rest of my family, provides unlimited support and love for me, came down and helped me this weekend to sort out the financial mess I had managed to dig myself into. Whilst I am happy to finally be getting back on track with the realities of this world, I can't help the niggling feeling that never goes away. It tells me on and on that I am not of this world, that these earthly things no matter how much organisation and success I give to them, will never make me truly happy. Its not a new thought, I've had it all my life. Its like being born on the wrong planet, no matter how many ways I learn to fit in, inside I know its all just make believe. I am never meant to fit in.

Finding God, or Him finding me, has dulled this feeling somewhat in most recent days. I find that in His words, in the books I read about Him and on my encounters with Him, I finally feel like I belong to a world that isn’t made up of striving and disguises. But here on earth, I have to attempt to live between the two worlds of current reality and ultimate truth. The best part of this world I can physically see, is my beautiful family and boyfriend, and that’s what keeps me fighting to hold my head above water, to not suffocate under the immense pressure I feel the moment I open my eyes to when they shut at the end of the day. I am unsure of how I can continue on sometimes, as if the next breath is finally going to cause my chest to cave in and I will no longer be able to cope with the reality of the life that surrounds me, the life that is me.

Its difficult for me to explain myself today. I feel out of sorts, a mess sprawled on the canvas of life, waiting for an answer that still seems to elude me. Some days I positively glow, feeling I have finally found the answer, like I was never meant to understand myself until now. But now I am beginning to find out who I am, its scaring me, I don’t know this girl, I forgot about her and she is much more vulnerable than the masked me. I could cry with confusion and doubt but the tears have dried, no more emotions seem to be able to be released from their pouring. I am left almost paralysed by my current state of mind, angst, anxiety and a lethal dose of depression that wont shift.

I try to focus on the chapter of the book, that the pain and suffering is merely character growth, but its nigh on impossible when growth feels like grip. The icy grip of worry that will not leave me alone and waits to prey on me the minute I shift my entire focus from the Lord. Its like staring at the sun then looking back and being blinded for several minutes, only those minutes have turned into years for me. I want the sun more, but the goodness it promises and delivers is so foreign I almost crave the dark inner recesses of my mind to comfort me again. Its a game of good and evil and today I know which one is winning.

My mind has to focus on something more positive than my current situation so I will try with all my might to look at the reason I am apparently enduring this suffering. If Jesus could go through it all, then so can I. Its about shifting my mind from pain to passion, from hurt to hope and remembering that if He can do it, if anyone can do it, then so can I. Its not enough for me to read the words and study the message if I can't apply it in real life, so here goes. For the rest of tonight I am making a conscious decision to let only good invade, I hope it works. I pray that it does and I believe in what I pray. I have to.

Love Always.x

Anxiety Follows Glory

 But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

I am anxious, in knots, pacing back and forth in a state of frenzy. In the last hour I have attempted to read, watch TV and clean and have failed miserably at all. I am thrust into a state that seems hell bent on keeping me trapped within the realm of time and confusion and it is stressing me out a great deal. Mainly because I can't understand where it has come from. My day has been lovely, I have been with my sister most of the day, initially organising her kitchen cupboards, which I loved and then some quality time with my good spiritual friends this afternoon. Though the anxiety was there, it was more of a niggle than a full blown affliction on my mind. But stepping foot through my door, the suffocation of being me returned once more.

I am wondering if the anxiety is because I received a copy of another letter sent to my psychiatrist from work requesting how long he thinks my recovery will take as I have asked for a career break to mend my broken soul. This does worry me, I am concerned that I will be advised I should be shipped back to work and carry on as if everything is fine and my life will return to the hell hole from which it came. How can you put a time on recovery? I am working with over twenty years of pain and hiding, so how many months or years do the 'professionals' assess that the battle will be over in. I am worried that I will  be sent back to the world of disguises and partying, unable to have dealt with the full extent of my breakdown and will be expected to continue on as if the broken me never really gave herself a chance to recover.

Maybe, as per usual, I am over thinking the situation. Realistically, it is clear for anyone who knows me to see that I am no longer able to live a day without the deep feelings of hatred finding some way to seep out and force me into a panic room situation. I know that in these instances, I need to put my trust in God, but my mind seems stronger than my spirit when I start fretting, reliving, worrying and the rest of the wonderful emotions that my mind hurls out at my soul with ferocious speed. I am worrying because I can and because in my head, no worry means peace and as lovely as that state is, its a foreign one to the girl inside of me. I am almost clinging to the remnants of the path that led me here in the first place, still unaware that to make any real changes, I need to focus on changing the harmful thought patterns of my mind. It just isn’t that easy.

I am surprised at my sudden extreme dip in mood as the last few days have been relatively ok. I credit that entirely to the wonderful Patricia King and the glory school DVDs I have been absorbed in for the last week. 16 chapters and I have written 123 A4 pages of notes, I have been a student of the supernatural and have loved every minute. I have been spending at least twelve hours a day doing it so my focus has remained on God and his love, so my anxious mind was given an opportunity to breath finally. As I was writing out the notes, which I did as I don't take in information just from watching/hearing it, I was conscious each day to ask God to make sure I was doing it out of my desire for relationship with him, rather than as part of my obsessive nature. The lack of hand cramp and the ability to understand her wonderful teaching, confirmed that the desire was being fulfilled.

The notes will now add as a backdrop to my next area of study, where I will use each subject as a springboard to guide me through the deepened levels of understanding I can have and to watch my relationship with my creator flourish. I have always loved to read and to get knowledge and for the first time ever, it feels like I can actually use the teachings I have learnt, in my every day life. For so many years I read self help books and never managed to apply the principles, feeling there was a missing key, The glory school, had all the missing keys and more. I am changed, renewed and deepened in faith because all the questions I had about life, coping, growing, have all been answered and the source has remained the same, God of course.

My head is still spinning with the revelations and the beauty of what my soul understanding has been absorbing, but I know that I now have the right grounding for me to move on in my relationship with God as I have a better basis from which to understand what is happening to me and why. Not even just that, it gave me scope to understand what has also been happening in my life up to this point, what my trials meant and why I haven’t healed yet. What my gifts are and how I can use them for good instead of hiding them for fear of being ridiculed or failing. She has planted a seed within me that I will continue to water under the steady hand of God so I too can be one of his children as I was intended to be.

Why then, am I back to the lost girl of the past? Clearly the internal cleansing has not reached all corners, especially the deep dark recesses of my tortured mind. I am also sure the medication is not helping, but I am willing to try all avenues to keep my evil thoughts at bay. Now the thoughts zoom into feelings much quicker than before and I am floored by the spilling out of my anxiety and restlessness into the atmosphere around me. Oh life, please start making some sort of sense. Please.

Love Always.x

Thirst and Visions

So that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God (Colossians 1:10 NIV) 

I have a thirst that can't be quenched, a hunger that can't be satisfied and a desire that is burning deeper than my heartbeat. It is the quest for God and it has taken on a life of its own. I am on a mission to bring my relationship with Him into fruition and I'm lapping up the glory as I delve deeper into his heart and mind. Intertwined, we walk together and he directs me towards the next steps I need to take to deepen my faith and understanding. I now know what it means to be in relationship with God and know that no matter what life throws at me, that is not going to change. I am a new creation and He is my saviour, my Lord, my life.

It seems odd that as my relationship has been growing, I have reduced my time spent blogging my experiences. It has not meant that I am not growing, just that God and I needed another way to communicate so I have honoured that and have been learning to talk to him, rather than just write. It has created a new space for my thoughts to enter and be replaced with new modes of thinking. In the last week I have dedicated myself to studying 'The Glory School' DVD’s by Patricia King, where I watch, write and learn the basics for being a child of God and growing in the supernatural. It has been one of the best weeks I have had in months as I feel the pain and resistance to happiness weakening and clarity finally shining through. I am a keen student and realise with immense pleasure, that in God, the learning never stops. I am free to lap it up for the rest of my days and to continue to grow in glory. It is exciting times!

Of course, my mind is not yet fixed so to speak. I am still battling daily with the demons and spirits of darkness that have attached themselves to me over the years, but this is fine, I am getting stronger in faith and therefore I am more patient with myself and my journey. I see my life as a mixture of two puzzles, the old me and the new me, the centre part already found, but now is the task of finding all the right pieces to create the whole, real me again. The big difference this time, is that I believe the old puzzle wont creep back in over time, I have faith that this is the beginning of my life, not as I previously thought, the end. As my understanding of God and His Kingdom deepen, so does my desire to find out who I am and the revelations are both surprising and comforting. I hid behind a wall afraid that who I was, was a terrible person, worthless and of no use to me or the world around me. I now see that who I am in Jesus is perfect and I am working hard to align my mind with this belief.

Some days the journey is harder, I am confronted with the reality of my situation in the natural world, my diagnosis,  my work worries, financial and appearance issues creep back in and throw me into the dark hole from which I have begun to emerge. But when I sink back there, I use all my efforts to focus on the glory of God and find that this strength pulls me out gasping into the air of the supernatural realm where my earthly worries are merely lessons, not anchors, to help me grow. I find that the more emerged I get in the realm of God, the more I am thirsty to stay and play around, finding the real truth of the world I have been born into. My aim is to stand between the two borders, one foot in the supernatural, the other in the world and to operate out of the heart of my creator. Although I will be in this world, I will be living out of the Kingdom of God, rather than obeying the ways of the natural world. I still have a way to go, but I am on  my way.

As part of my relationship with God, I lay down and listened to some worship music yesterday and let Him direct my visions where He desired them to go. I walked into the throne room and He sat in front of me, a giant in peach and white though I could see no visible identity until I was swept up and sat in His ear, resting just where He could hear me utter my words of love to him. He then held me in his hand and I nestled into his thumb, smiling, drunk on happiness and peace. The visions also led me to walking in a garden with Jesus, my dress in bloom with the flowers of spring and a tree in front of me. I imagined it to be the garden of Eden and relished the intense colours, the atmosphere, the reality of what God was promising me. The vision ended with me sat on a beach of pink and grey, a vision I often see when I look at the clouds in the early evening. I was above the world, looking down on the cars as they whizzed below me, a truly breathtaking and emotional half hour. I am blessed because he blessed me. I am free because He has freed me and I am me, because He is sweeping away the outmoded belief system and reminding me of who I am in Him. Glory to God.

Love Always.x

The Healing Power of Love

 "So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other." (John 13:34 NLT)

God has been working on a particularly painful area for me in recent days, that is, the intensity of love. Now firstly, I do understand love, fortunately I have grown up in a family where love was the focus and this already helped me to understand its true healing potential and its staying power. But, outside of the safety of my families love, I have battled with understanding firstly how to love myself and more externally, how to fully love someone else. My first true love left a cut on my open heart and the most hurtful thing was that it added to the hate I already felt in my heart for who I really was and for what I could offer another in any form of relationship. Therefore, a carefully placed selection of disguises have kept my heart from being fully penetrated by loves healing touch.

In recent weeks I have had many dreams about my ex and sadly he has been in my thoughts much more frequently than I would like. Out of nowhere his face pops in and I relive the pain of not just the separation but the entire roller-coaster that was my relationship. As I am growing in my faith, I am reflecting back and seeing that there is a fine line between love and obsession and I believe I had seriously overstepped the mark. I worshipped him in an unhealthy way and allowed him to use me to encourage his own forms of confidence and power to shine. But, caught up in it as we often are, I continued on crying inside at the desperation from my soul to break free, but the suffocating thought of being alone was keeping me tied to a man who never really understood how to love not just me, but himself, for if he did I doubt he would have put me through so much pain and mental torture.

God has been working through the trap that my mind allows itself to get in over this man. One night I had a dream that I was locked in a room with clear glass and there was a record player with my ex's name playing on the record. Outside the room was my current boyfriend and I was screaming at him to get me, but he couldn't hear. I found this very revealing. I think God was trying to show me that while I still have the resentment and hurts from the past in my heart, I was never going to be able to fully love someone else and this would prevent a complete relationship from being achieved. The thing is, I knew this to be true myself anyway, I just didn’t want to admit it. I realised that a part of my heart had been kept locked and no matter how much I fell in love again, I would never unlock the deepest part of me. I still don't know whether its because I never wanted to be really over him, in some way I was addicted to the bitter sweet sting of loving someone who could never love you back the same. But also, I know I am terrified to feel that hurt pierce my heart again and therefore I locked that deep heartache away.

The following week I had another dream with him in and this time I was with his family and his nan showed me a Christmas card that he had wrote for me but never gave me. Inside it said he was sorry for what he had put me through and he had always loved me. The dream then went on to show him sat with my family apologising to them for breaking their daughter down further than she already was and that he had always loved me. I woke up and felt a huge relief as I realised that God had allowed me to release him from my resentment and to see how he really did feel and I believe that the dream is a reflection on the truth that he was never able to say at the time. The box inside my heart however, remained closed. He had moved out mostly, but the key had not yet been found. I thought maybe, I would never see that part open again and that it didn’t really matter as I recognised that I have a great love between my partner and I and between my closest friends and family. That box was so old that I hoped it would just stay closed forever. But little did I know, God has been working his love through me in ways I still fathom to understand.

The recent weeks of healing through the many meetings I have with the crisis team, in particular with the girl I wrote about on my last blog entry, have began to open my heart to new undiscovered dimensions. Love has literally crowded a heart that was heavy with regret and confusion not just about my past relationship with others but mainly with the relationship I have with myself. I could literally feel the expanding of my heart as he filled it with sweet understanding of what it means to live with Jesus inside of you. This unveiling has now turned a rather unexpected corner and put me face to face with another human being whose heart seems to have echoed mine. Like two people separated at birth, my heart has flung open its doors and a man who I have only recently met has taken a key and unlocked it. My heart aches as I write this, the pain of knowing that it is not my love, my partner who has done it, has made me sick with worry.

To try to explain; I am in love with my boyfriend, I see my future with him and he has supported me through the worst year of my life. I adore him, I feel sick at the thought of us not being together and being away from him is like having my heart ripped out again and again. So, why has God placed a man, not a woman, in front of me, who has unlocked a box that I never thought would open again. I have never felt so guilty in all  my life and I know that is not the intention of God, but the sickness of my mind. The love however, is very real. So real is surges through my body and out my fingertips. The first time I met him, my spirit saw him before my vision did and I turned around to see him as my heart leapt into my throat. We talked for hours at barbecue about God and life and I connected in a way that I haven’t for a long time. It confused me so I chose to ignore it, putting it down to the devil playing games with me.

When I saw him again at one of the events last week, my mind was filled with thoughts of his face and the unmistakable voice of God telling me I needed to speak to him. When we were in worship and it was mentioned to let God reveal what was in our hearts, it was his face that appeared. I felt sick and at a last stitch attempt at outwitting the Devil, I tried to think negative thoughts about myself to prove God was not present. This was a miserable attempt and all that filled my head was his face and the urge to talk to him. So, at the end of the night that is exactly what I did. He told me he had wanted to come over to see me at the last event as God had revealed a vision to him of us walking hand in hand towards the throne room and he really felt we went there in the spirit. I confessed that this must have been the reason that he had been on my  mind and over the following days I convinced myself that this must be so. That was till he came over to mine so we could talk about God.

Those couple of hours have had the most transforming effect on my heart and have opened up a box that I never thought could be unlocked. The connection between our souls literally vibrated through me as I realised what an impact a connection made by God could have on a life. When he told me he felt that the first time he met me he had also felt impacted and felt love, I had to leave the room as it span around me. I have never felt so much happiness and so much pain as in that second when I realised it wasn’t just me affected by God intentions. I am already in love with a man I want to marry so what was God doing, what were his intentions. This has been my every waking thought since that meeting and I have come, with the aid of my mum and sister to a couple of theories.

One, which my sister pointed out was that love does not have to be physical. I realised that I also did not feel any physical attraction to this man, although he is very attractive, that was not the feelings I was harbouring. The intensity of the love was what was making me feel guilty but as my sister assured me, this was probably God showing me how to love another and what His love actually feels like. Maybe this man is just the gateway that lets me into the truth of how love is when you are with Jesus in the realms of heavenly glory. This sits right with me and after seeing my boyfriend this last weekend, there had been a definite shift in the way I felt my heart open towards him. It was like magic, the way I was finally able to look at him through eyes of the whole of my heart and realise how lucky I am to have this wonderful man be my boyfriend. I felt the shift, the certain knowing that I had been keeping back a part of me, that I was finally able to share. The fact that another man had provided the key and that the connection with Him is on a level, that I have never before experienced is I hope, merely a sign of more wonderful connections with more people to come. This is how love should feel and now I can share it with the man, who has patiently waited for the real me to come out. Its another gemstone dropped within my heart and all glory of course, is to the one who holds the biggest key of all.......

Love Always.x