"So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other." (John 13:34 NLT)
In recent weeks I have had many dreams about my ex and sadly he has been in my thoughts much more frequently than I would like. Out of nowhere his face pops in and I relive the pain of not just the separation but the entire roller-coaster that was my relationship. As I am growing in my faith, I am reflecting back and seeing that there is a fine line between love and obsession and I believe I had seriously overstepped the mark. I worshipped him in an unhealthy way and allowed him to use me to encourage his own forms of confidence and power to shine. But, caught up in it as we often are, I continued on crying inside at the desperation from my soul to break free, but the suffocating thought of being alone was keeping me tied to a man who never really understood how to love not just me, but himself, for if he did I doubt he would have put me through so much pain and mental torture.
God has been working through the trap that my mind allows itself to get in over this man. One night I had a dream that I was locked in a room with clear glass and there was a record player with my ex's name playing on the record. Outside the room was my current boyfriend and I was screaming at him to get me, but he couldn't hear. I found this very revealing. I think God was trying to show me that while I still have the resentment and hurts from the past in my heart, I was never going to be able to fully love someone else and this would prevent a complete relationship from being achieved. The thing is, I knew this to be true myself anyway, I just didn’t want to admit it. I realised that a part of my heart had been kept locked and no matter how much I fell in love again, I would never unlock the deepest part of me. I still don't know whether its because I never wanted to be really over him, in some way I was addicted to the bitter sweet sting of loving someone who could never love you back the same. But also, I know I am terrified to feel that hurt pierce my heart again and therefore I locked that deep heartache away.
The following week I had another dream with him in and this time I was with his family and his nan showed me a Christmas card that he had wrote for me but never gave me. Inside it said he was sorry for what he had put me through and he had always loved me. The dream then went on to show him sat with my family apologising to them for breaking their daughter down further than she already was and that he had always loved me. I woke up and felt a huge relief as I realised that God had allowed me to release him from my resentment and to see how he really did feel and I believe that the dream is a reflection on the truth that he was never able to say at the time. The box inside my heart however, remained closed. He had moved out mostly, but the key had not yet been found. I thought maybe, I would never see that part open again and that it didn’t really matter as I recognised that I have a great love between my partner and I and between my closest friends and family. That box was so old that I hoped it would just stay closed forever. But little did I know, God has been working his love through me in ways I still fathom to understand.
The recent weeks of healing through the many meetings I have with the crisis team, in particular with the girl I wrote about on my last blog entry, have began to open my heart to new undiscovered dimensions. Love has literally crowded a heart that was heavy with regret and confusion not just about my past relationship with others but mainly with the relationship I have with myself. I could literally feel the expanding of my heart as he filled it with sweet understanding of what it means to live with Jesus inside of you. This unveiling has now turned a rather unexpected corner and put me face to face with another human being whose heart seems to have echoed mine. Like two people separated at birth, my heart has flung open its doors and a man who I have only recently met has taken a key and unlocked it. My heart aches as I write this, the pain of knowing that it is not my love, my partner who has done it, has made me sick with worry.
To try to explain; I am in love with my boyfriend, I see my future with him and he has supported me through the worst year of my life. I adore him, I feel sick at the thought of us not being together and being away from him is like having my heart ripped out again and again. So, why has God placed a man, not a woman, in front of me, who has unlocked a box that I never thought would open again. I have never felt so guilty in all my life and I know that is not the intention of God, but the sickness of my mind. The love however, is very real. So real is surges through my body and out my fingertips. The first time I met him, my spirit saw him before my vision did and I turned around to see him as my heart leapt into my throat. We talked for hours at barbecue about God and life and I connected in a way that I haven’t for a long time. It confused me so I chose to ignore it, putting it down to the devil playing games with me.
When I saw him again at one of the events last week, my mind was filled with thoughts of his face and the unmistakable voice of God telling me I needed to speak to him. When we were in worship and it was mentioned to let God reveal what was in our hearts, it was his face that appeared. I felt sick and at a last stitch attempt at outwitting the Devil, I tried to think negative thoughts about myself to prove God was not present. This was a miserable attempt and all that filled my head was his face and the urge to talk to him. So, at the end of the night that is exactly what I did. He told me he had wanted to come over to see me at the last event as God had revealed a vision to him of us walking hand in hand towards the throne room and he really felt we went there in the spirit. I confessed that this must have been the reason that he had been on my mind and over the following days I convinced myself that this must be so. That was till he came over to mine so we could talk about God.
Those couple of hours have had the most transforming effect on my heart and have opened up a box that I never thought could be unlocked. The connection between our souls literally vibrated through me as I realised what an impact a connection made by God could have on a life. When he told me he felt that the first time he met me he had also felt impacted and felt love, I had to leave the room as it span around me. I have never felt so much happiness and so much pain as in that second when I realised it wasn’t just me affected by God intentions. I am already in love with a man I want to marry so what was God doing, what were his intentions. This has been my every waking thought since that meeting and I have come, with the aid of my mum and sister to a couple of theories.
One, which my sister pointed out was that love does not have to be physical. I realised that I also did not feel any physical attraction to this man, although he is very attractive, that was not the feelings I was harbouring. The intensity of the love was what was making me feel guilty but as my sister assured me, this was probably God showing me how to love another and what His love actually feels like. Maybe this man is just the gateway that lets me into the truth of how love is when you are with Jesus in the realms of heavenly glory. This sits right with me and after seeing my boyfriend this last weekend, there had been a definite shift in the way I felt my heart open towards him. It was like magic, the way I was finally able to look at him through eyes of the whole of my heart and realise how lucky I am to have this wonderful man be my boyfriend. I felt the shift, the certain knowing that I had been keeping back a part of me, that I was finally able to share. The fact that another man had provided the key and that the connection with Him is on a level, that I have never before experienced is I hope, merely a sign of more wonderful connections with more people to come. This is how love should feel and now I can share it with the man, who has patiently waited for the real me to come out. Its another gemstone dropped within my heart and all glory of course, is to the one who holds the biggest key of all.......
Love Always.x
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