Revealing Another's Heart

“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” (Matthew 6:21 KJV)

An amazing thing happens when you hear another’s heart beat through the words they use, the expressions they carry and their hidden body language. For me, the unveiling of another persons heart also means the loosening of my own tight grip on the many hateful thoughts and disguises I hide behind. There are rare moments where glimpses of someone else’s true character resonate with yours and the protective nature and pain you carry is dropped temporarily. Within this realm of connecting, who you are is free to shine and you realise that we are all the same, that our pain is part of living, that our challenges are what make our character, but what makes who we are, is the heart that beats in the silence, the tender knowing that somehow we all know the same truth, understand the same purpose, but don't always know how to show it.

Sometimes, as with me, the disguises I have hid behind for many years take over the person that was originally intended to live in this world. You learn what fits in and what doesn't, who your supposed to be according to the people and often media and society you are in and slowly but surely, the real you slips back behind a carefully built wall of resistance of who you really are. I never forgot about that girl inside of me, her voice cries desperately every day, pleading to be set free, but knowing she is too scared of the vulnerability that this will show, that all she can muster is a quiet reminder that she is not dead. She is hiding and she is terrified of who she is and knows that the alter egos I have created over the years have created too many mazes in my life and mind for her to navigate through. In the end it becomes easier to hide than to reveal and so I carry on pretending that who you see is who is me and I play along with everyone else, who's doing the same. Strange isn’t it, that maybe if we all unveiled our true nature, our world would not be in the state of denial it currently is.

The odd thing with pain  and I feel its all consuming grip on my heart as I write, is that through it, I have been able to connect on a deeper level with people than I think I would have had I not been taken to the depths of my soul. Sometimes grief, denial and bitter pain can connect us with others in the most beautiful and exquisite way. We experience another's heart through the unspoken words, the crystal clear pauses in the conversation where the truth, unintentionally cries out through their eyes and hearts. It pierces my darkness and reminds me of the journey of human life, that beyond what we choose to believe about the world, really does exist,....truth and reality, good and beautiful and most perfectly of all, real, warts and all. I could never think of a good enough reason not to accept or forgive someone, once you have glimpsed what is truly in  them, beyond the mask of behaviours, appearance and language they have used and are practising. Playing dressing up, crying out to be understood. Behind all that, we're really not that different.

Tonight I had a member of the crisis team come to my house and this blog entry is wholly inspired by her. A beautiful droplet on the leaf of life, poised on the terror of finding her own understanding in amidst the understanding she needs to have for other people. The cracks in her armour, allowed me to reveal mine and in doing so, both our souls came out to dance if only for a brief moment. We were pulled out of the expectations of our practised characters and our designated roles in life, to simply bathe in the splendour of each other. I knew when we were talking that a key had unlocked within both of us a hidden doorway, that meant that within this safe place we could be and talk as we, who we truly are, were meant to. I do not know if she felt it as strongly as I did, but I suspect, from the blissful knowing and craving for understanding that her heart sang to mine, that we were both on the same page. I was able to talk openly about my life, my past, my characters, my many flaws and desperate need for help and clarity. She helped to heal me, by letting me in, I felt it, the change in the atmosphere that only truth can make. It was the most inspiring and revealing session I have had with anyone for a long time. I use the word session as she is from the team, but really, it was one of the most exquisite and revealing moments that I have experienced with another being outside of God for as long as I can remember and I am thankful for her walking into my home, my life and my heart.

God has placed this breakdown as a turning point for me and I realise now more than ever, that for me to get through my pain, means I will need to resonate with others who have been where I have been or are on their way. I feel as I write that He is guiding me to the next part of my recovery, the next step on my journey of faith and happiness. I do not yet know what this will mean, I will just remain true and listen for His words and keep my heart open to be aware of the sweet messages (feelings) that he fills me with every day. As for today, it has given me a glimpse into a heart who’s beauty I wanted to pull out and display for the broken character in front of me to revel in and to realise her magnificence and truth. I hope I can do the same for me.

Love Always.x