"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." (Ephesians 3:20 NLT)
The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions, revelations, releasing and an undeniable growth in clarity and focus. I have remained broken but there have been changes that have indicated that this is the place from which I may now rise. I look at my future with absolute uncertainty but with a heartfelt knowing, that this is where the healing can now begin. I have been stripped of my disguises, I have come face to face with the demons of my mind and now God is using this time to bring me out of the darkness I have hid behind for all these years.
Most significantly, the other day over Justin and Rachel's lovely home, I experienced what it was like to be bathed in the Holy Spirit. I was no longer a bystander, deeply wishing to be fully absorbed in the moment, I was well and truly cleansed in glory and light and it was beyond my imagination; the very bliss of being at one with my creator. To someone who does not believe in God, or even someone who is some what dubious of actually experiencing closeness with something many only ever read about, this will sound like a fabrication of reality to you. But I can assure you it was reality, only intensified, how its meant to be, not how we have learnt to perceive it. This surpassed all of my expectations of what it is to be totally present yet totally captivated by something bigger than yourself. I was in ecstasy, almost painful at first as the anger and confusion seemed to dart out of my body and into the atmosphere, releasing doors that I didn’t even know had closed. God put his key in my heart and unlocked it and I was free, suspended above my pain and fears, clothed in love, bliss and glory. In that moment I accepted who I was and who He was in me and it was my first true taster of living with Him as my focus. Magical and a mystery, but also the most natural state of being I have ever experienced. To live in that place would be beyond my wildest dreams, it is the absolute definition of love.
Since returning from glory, my mind and heart has opened to a new kind of relationship with not only God but who I am as a person and the world around me. Its almost like an awakening, a shaking of the soul that once unlocked, will never return to the darkness I was engulfed in. I am not saying that the pain has disappeared, far from it, I feel it more acutely now than ever before. As my sister said today, for the first time in my life I am admitting how low I really had got and how much my life was suffocating me. Instead of hiding behind work, drugs and other distractions, I am coming to terms with who I am and what has been happening to get me to this point. This is an emotional roller coaster unlike any I have been on before and the speed and unveiling of the pressure points within my soul are being spilled onto the canvas that is my life. It is when they are out of me, painted in their complexities in front of my eyes that I can start to break free from the constraints that not dealing with them, has kept me in.
My sister and I went to see my psychiatrist today, both my usual one and the one from the unit I am currently visiting. They told us that they believe I suffer both with Bipolar and a mood disorder and that there will be many different avenues of support and help that I will need in order to deal with these as best I can. These include new medication, support groups, a psychologist and several other avenues, which I am sure will be tried and tested over the next few months. My sister asked the relevant questions, so that I was able to try and take in their suggestions on improving how I can live my life. To be honest, the most important part of this meeting was knowing that they backed my decision to give up my job, something I will be doing over the next few weeks. I realised now more than ever, that learning to deal with life is the biggest priority and that a job will only further add to my ability to escape from the reality of the changes that are taking place within. I need to focus on fixing the broken girl, not being the person I think people want me to be. I know that faith above all, will ensure that this task is within my reach.
The healing process will undoubtedly be the most harrowing but miraculous journey that I have ever been on, or maybe ever will again. There are many caverns within me that I long since buried, that are starting to resurface, desperately pleading to be unlocked and resolved. This will not be easy, it will likely throw all of my emotions out of me and force me to rethink who I am and why I have decided to hide it for so long. In many ways I am excited about the next few months, maybe even years. What started as my breakdown, now promises to be the creation of the real me and that is all that I feel God wants me to accomplish. To find truth in who I am, so that the truth and beauty of the world can be revealed to me, as He intended it to be before I decided that truth only led to rejection and pain. This unlocking of my heart, this bathing in the Holy Spirit, this breakdown to top all breakdowns, has not in fact been the end, it really is my beginning. Let the healing commence!
Love Always.x
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