"You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You." (Isaiah 26:3 NKJV)
I was admitted to the crisis unit on Wednesday and have been attending every day since. I am picked up at 10:30am and leave at 3:30pm. I now also have a member of the crisis team who will be visiting me twice a week, at least for now. This is short term and has happened because the world as I know it, came crashing down around me and I could not cope with the sheer force of my own thoughts and feelings. I now realise that this was a further breakdown to the one I had already been experiencing for the last few months. The pressure of living a life that was not my own, behind a selection of well placed masks and behaviours, has finally hit home. I have been living behind a pane of glass within my mind for as long as I can remember. I learned from very early on, to hate who I was and to pretend it didn’t bother me. The bullying I went through and several other situations in my past have created what the psychiatrist describes as an 'emotionally unstable (also known as borderline) personality disorder' that has eaten away at my confidence, my ability to cope and seemingly the masks I have hid behind. I am thankful that I have such an amazing family who have been able at times, to distract the onslaught of hatred that fills my every waking thought. Today I finally cracked and inside of me a realisation has come: I have tried to be everything that I thought people wanted/needed/expected me to be and I desperately need to be me again. The masks are no longer masking the pain, the hate, the anger because the real me can no longer take the pressure of pretending anymore. I am me, I haven’t been coping for a long time, I am not the other girl I have been pretending to be and I deserve a chance to live a life that is mine.
I feel like I am at the bottom of a mountain, I know that it is going to take a lot of work, a lot of honesty and a lot of delving into the past to unlock the pain so I can have a future. I see now that the way I have lived has been a reflection of the hate I feel for myself and the belief that I am nothing, I am worthless and I am a disgrace to myself and anyone who meets me. The voice that has fed these thoughts now comes from me rather than the bullies of the past and the girl in my head is a force to be reckoned with. She will not go quietly, she will not leave without extreme dedication from the real me to understand why I feel the way I do and to start to challenge those beliefs. I have spent too long silently wishing my life away, crying alone and assessing the level of hate that people feel towards me. I am desperate to break free from the chains I have hung around myself and to really let the truth of my character and soul out to shine.
I went to Spirit School last night with my sister and was immediately greeted by two friendly faces who made me welcome and talked to me of how they believed that this period of my life was about shaking off my past and stepping forward into a brighter future. The one man said he saw me being a great mystic and seer within the spirit realm and my heart leapt as the words resonated within me. The true me understood it and did not hesitate to question its truth. My sister and I then sat against the wall, eyes closed, listening as the heavenly music played and softly in my ear I heard "I have saved you. You are free. You are good enough. I'm healing you." The words my Lord spoke to me, He spoke to my heart and I cried. I cried because I knew they would not be words I would say to myself, because I knew that they were the truth and I was really being saved.
I feel like God is urging me to clear out the caverns and complexities of my mind. I am required to delve deep and release the beliefs, the lies and the pain that I have allowed to rule my every day existence. He is saying that this is what I asked for, that if I persevere, I will get through and my reward will be living true to who I really am. Another lady of God spoke to my sister and I and released the blessing of stability and a peaceful mind over me and as her hand touched my head, I saw a clearing in my path, where the light of my true self was free to shine. She asked that I see the angels that are around me, that the Lord shows them to me and I know in my heart that this revealing is already taking place. I am always protected, I am always safe and He is showing me more and more each day the work that is shaping my character and my life. She also said she could see wings on me and that there was a throne in heaven with my name on it, words that uplifted my soul even higher.
The last entry I made, I wrote a letter pleading with God to help me and initially I was unsure that this was even happening. Being taken into the crisis unit, being forced to face up to the reality of my past and the life I had been living, seemed like a nightmare that would never end. The constant battle of my thoughts and my anger seemed to surround me and corner me and I felt like this was finally the end of my time. In a way it was. This is the end of the lies that attack me every day, the darkness that keeps me terrified of revealing who I am and the confusion that prevents me from trusting my true heart and my true voice. What seems like the ultimate breakdown, God has reminded me is the start of my life, the one He has always planned for me to live. The constraints of the past and the worries of the present and future, are now being challenged so that I can be made new. There is a long road that I must walk upon, there are many demons I have to stare in the face, but His words to me are true: "I have saved you. You are free. You are good enough. I'm healing you." I am ready to face my demons and step out of the past into my bright future. I have been saved, it just wasn’t the way I imagined. This time there is no going back, no hiding, no sedating, no fighting. This time its just me, I have taken off the coat of masks and I stand bare in the face of my destiny. This is my time, my walk, my faith. I am free.
Love Always.x
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