Mourning the Darkness

 "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth." (Mark 9:23)

Where goodness comes, I depart. I am a gonner. I have officially left the building and frustratingly I am aware that my focus has been lost, but feel unable to do anything about it. I am a sinking ship and it wont be long before I depart this shore forever.........or will it?

I do not understand the way my mind works. Neither do I understand the things connected to it, such as emotions, actions and abilities to control desires and demons. I am stuck in an almost limbo like state, neither partying nor worshipping, just existing. I have chosen to ignore slimming world, I have chosen to play computer games and on occasion I smoke cannabis. The dark walls that came crashing down are slowly building back up around me again and at times I feel powerless to the speed at which they are erected. I am beginning to feel cocooned in the warmth of familiarity again.

The darkness is never initially dark. As with my understanding of Lucifer, beauty is the first recognition, familiarity, acceptance and ease in the life you live. That blanket envelops you, caresses you into a false sense of security and allows any real chance of life and growth to be extinguished like a candles flame. When the blanket is wrapped around you so tight, the boa constrictor strength of the patterns you now have in your life widens your eyes to make you see that what once appeared so wonderful (the devil), is nothing more than an optical illusion. The demons have entered and like a puppet in Satan's show, you continue on, absorbed in mindless activity. This is the part that I am entering again, this is a familiar scene, this is my frequent stopping place. Being aware of it, knowing what is coming if I continue to neglect myself and the time I could be having with the Lord, will still not stop this speed demon from separating myself from the glory. Even though I know it, I often feel powerless to its effects. I like what the devil offers, I love anything which creates a numbing of the mind, a sedating of the soul and self punishment rituals. These are where I truly shine, no wonder the devil won’t leave me alone, I could just as easily be his bride.

Although I know that the process of growth and discovery is important on my journey with God, it does not make my impatient mind any more accepting of a long drawn out learning period. I do not think I am alone when I say that many of us would like to skip the study and move to the place of bliss and happiness. It's easier, it's immediate results and immediate access to knowledge and understanding. I am at the bottom rung of this ladder and its a long way up, a really long way. Whilst I look forward to the days I spend with the Lord, the impatient woman in me screams for speed so that I can live daily in the exciting world of heavenly glory on earth. I want flashing lights and dancing spirits every day, I want closeness like I have in my visions as much as possible.

The issue I have is although I want a relationship with God, I am also mourning my past relationship with the Devil. People will always say it is better to be free of the negative patterns of the past, especially the spirits of suicide and self harm. I agree, without the dark forces I can walk in the light and that sounds exhilarating. But it also doesn’t sound like me. Maybe that’s the issue, I cant truly see my life being free from pain and punishment. The light as I have said before, blinds me, even my own. I am used to being this girl, the troubled crazy girl. Calm and serene are not two words I think I have ever really heard to describe my personality. But my personality is a learnt behaviour model, it is developed over the years from the actions I make and how much of the world I absorb from around me. The one I was born with, is the one I am trying to achieve now and I can't remember it.

I guess in the end I have to be honest and look at the things I do and question why it is I still choose to partake in actions and thoughts that hinder my growth process. Why, when glory is available, do I still choose to hide behind the darkness? Change, in any direction is a challenging period and with it parts of who we thought we were are left behind. The comfort blanket starts to slip and we are naked, new born and awaiting direction on the best path to follow. I realise that guidance from others is a huge help, in fact it is often paramount in order to allow us to ensure we are staying on the right course for true development. But, ultimately, the books, the websites, the people and the experiences are no competition to the you behind it all. Eventually that person (the real you), will do whatever it is they want to and like me, that person sometimes needs the silence of the life we are living to make what could be the most life changing decision they'll ever make. I just have to allow myself the time to think, to focus and to renew. Tomorrow is a new day.

Love Always.x

Poem To Understand Myself

 "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." (Hebrews 10:36) 

Changes are happening, but they are slow. I am stale and confused at the moment, so today I will write a poem, that way I can try and get some clarity on the emotions and thoughts I am dealing with. My poems as with my daily diaries are a flow of emotions that spill out of me, often too quickly for me to keep up with. If you are reading my blog, then know that as you are reading this and finding out about me and my journey with the Lord, I too am doing the same. I am not always right, I may often be very naive, but always I assure you, I am writing because I truly believe the Lord, my God wants me to. So, I will grow, I will undoubtedly stumble, but hopefully these experiences will create whatever the Lord intended them too. That is my hope and the reason that as hard as it sometimes can be, I will continue to write.

Believe me now as I share my mind
Don't judge me or confront me unless your intention is kind
I do not understand myself, I do not know my heart
I stand on the corner of a life that really fell apart

Out here I stand, out here I cry
Out here, I wave my past goodbye
But in the future what will I be
Will I finally understand what it means to be me

I cast off all disguises, I throw them to the wind
I leave behind the tortured soul, its pain and all its sins
I emerge into a world unknown pleading to be saved
Its here in this strange opening, that in glory I am bathed

I sit in transition, unsure of what to do
Do I follow Jesus or do I not follow through
Do I run back to the life I had, the past I can't forget
Or is it now impossible as I've finally cut the net

I cry and cry to myself and ask what I should do
Sometimes I wonder if I can give it all up for You
Please answer me with honesty Lord, you always tell me straight
That souls can always be saved, it doesn’t matter how late

What a peculiar path I am walking, what a world we live in too
That making a choice to follow the Lord, makes me a stranger to the me I knew
Does it matter that I sometimes resent my choice to walk away
Does craving the darkness mean that I will never really stay

How do you know when you are ready to fight and ready to lay down your heart
How do you know that the path your on won't end up tearing you apart
I guess in my experience I could only offer to say
That if you wake up wanting more, then glory is your day

If you thirst for more than just the hope of promised land
If you can take the judgement of often being the first to stand
If you can look upon this walk as the walk that saved your life
Then no matter what comes your way, you'll battle through the heartache and strife

No one said its easy, after all we're set apart
Next to each other we send a glow, that touches every heart
Can you truly follow with all you have and more
If you can  then welcome, to His salvation door.

Love Always.x

Anti Religion?

“You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” (Psalm 16:11)

Religion scares me a lot. It often wreaks of man made institution and following people's perception of what they deem to be the correct behaviour to worship and live our lives. This is why, I am not exactly what you would call 'religious'. I would actually go as far as to say, I am quite anti religion. I do not want to belong to a group or sect where by we are judged upon our so called ideas/methods of the right way to honour God in our lives. If you believe in God and thereby honour His Word, then that is the only way I would like to live, not under the often strict man imposed religous guidelines. I answer to no one but the Lord and through Him, I can experience the glory of being one of his children. Not I would also like to add, by just turning up in Church once a week so I can call myself a Christian, but completely miss out on experiencing the exhilarating rush of love I get by focusing on Him every day. That doesn't make any sense to me, how do you know you are following the right path? How do you know you are living with the grace of God? I have no issues with Churches, I love them, but they are buildings, they are not the only way to be close to Him.

I suppose a lot of people would strongly disagree with my views and further more the choices I am making day by day. But in my heart, I feel like they are right. I feel that God is telling me the path I am on and the way I am growing in my faith is right. That’s not like religion. Religion usually has someone else telling you what’s right and wrong, feelings don’t seem much of a part of it, its not really about experience. But as Patricia King says, you cant have relationship without experience, and I want a relationship with my creator. I don’t just want to read about Him, although I thoroughly enjoy that too. I love every aspect of God, but the experience of having Him around me, hearing Him speak and seeing visions He has planted in my mind, makes this journey more exciting, more real.

The reason I am writing about this is that yesterday I was first happy, then disturbed, to discover that one of the men I knew who went to school with me and who I was friends with, wrote on his facebook page about being saved. I immediately messaged him to tell him I was pleased and I was also lucky enough to be following the path of faith. Then, everything changed. I started looking at his page and scattered all over it were links about conspiracy theories and proof that the world was ending soon and people had better accept Jesus or they would burn in Hell for eternity. Woah, this was too much to take in. I looked at the conversations he was having with other people and his words were threatening, they were vindictive and they didn’t sound at all like the Jesus I have come to know and love.

He then started chatting to me and I told Him of my experiences and about the amazing Patricia King and other great believers, who he labelled as a new age witch and then told me people like her were perverted! His piece of advice to me was to go to a baptist church immediately and explain to the pastor how lost I was. He advised that Jesus was not pleased with me, but I could try and mend my ways! I was in complete and utter shock. He then provided list after list of websites that would prove my beliefs were of the occult and that the people who's guidance I had been seeking were all wrong and essentially the spawn of Satan. Which for me, was strange and very disturbing. I swiftly informed Him, that in my opinion, He had not found God, He had found religion. Amen.

Last night over my mums, I discussed how much his objections were bothering me and she made a very valid point. She reminded me that the devil seemed intent on having my soul, that darkness was still fighting for me and tricking me and that this seemed very much like another test. Here was a man who I had liked and respected, but who had a connection to the village I lived in where I went to school and was miserable. He was also very close to the man I spent a horrific five years of my life with. Now, I had started to free myself of the pain and emotional baggage from that time and here, the least likely person to ever turn to God EVER, had claimed he had been saved. Not only that, but he came with proof and an offer of help from him so that I could be right and be accepted. Basically, my emotional baggage was dressed up as man I knew, offering me acceptance from the past I never really dealt with. Worst of all, it was the biggest bluff he could have played. He was using my new found happiness and path of glory, to attack me and try to make me unsure of myself and my beliefs. The ideal ending to the scenario, would be that out of a desperate need to be accepted and correct the pain of my past, I would be in a baptist church crying to the preacher to save me. It is there, that the devil and I would be back together again. Oooooooooooo how wonderful my mums perception is. I understood, this was another challenge and I have overcome it.

The weird thing with this challenge was that it proved how sure I am of the path I am following. We both claim the same wondrous event has happened to us, we have both been saved. We both believe eternal life is through Jesus and we both believe that the Bible is the word of God. But,this is where the similarities end. I do not feel the need to bombard people with threats about the end of the world. I do not feel the need to dictate what is right and wrong with my faith, because some websites I've found have offered man’s evidence. Man's evidence is great, but I have witnessed something bigger. I have been in the presence of the Lord and no website, with its elaborate videos and detailed facts is going to prove me wrong. I know that following God has many objections, not only from non believers, but from other believers too. Its so strange, we all believe in essentially the same principles, but our attitude and behaviour varies greatly. Who is to tell us who's right or wrong? Well, for me at least, it is not out of the mouth of man, it is the Lord, my God who I listen for.

My mum also said to me, that regardless of what other peoples beliefs were, the change in me was proof that something beautiful had touched my life. She told me that she had never in all my life, seen me glow as I glow now. Not a clear skin glow, an untouchable and radiant glow that emanates from within and around me. For the first time in my life, she said that she just knew I was always safe. No matter what, she felt I was being protected and that I had changed, that I was more peaceful, more happy than ever before. She neither strongly agrees nor disagrees with my views, but she admits that I am seemingly following a path that I was destined to be on.

So, when opposition comes, even when it is disguised as one of the other children of God, I must look honestly at their hearts. If out of their mouths tumbles the word of God and their experience of it and no forcefulness is used to express this, then I will recognise them and welcome them in my hearts. But, if they are wearing a holy cloak and out of their mouth comes religious ideals and force fed man made rationality, then in my heart they will sit, but they will not stay. No mark will be left, but I will still extend love in the hope that they will realise that love is the gateway in which true experience can be felt. That by following the Word and by focusing on its beautiful message, we will understand that scare tactics do not need to be used. I cant remember Jesus seeking artificial information on what is right and wrong. No, follow the Word and then use this to follow your heart. There at the end is the Kingdom, it is only there when the truth will be revealed in all its fullness and in all its wondrous glory.

Love Always.x

P.S: I would like to add that I am not condemning all religious people. I know plenty of people who are religious and they are wonderful. I am just opposed to the idea that man will tell us whether we are on the right path to God and also the discounting of experience as a viable method of communication with God. As I have said at the start of my blog, it is not my intention to insult anybody, I am just being honest about my journey, even if that means I may cause certain mindsets to disagree with what I am saying. I am sorry if I have insulted anyone and can assure you, that is not the aim of my writing.x

The Path Of Patience

“The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.” (Ecclesiastes 7:8 NIV)

I struggle with patience. It is an elusive quality that sadly I do not possess. Its admirable yes, but on most occasions with me, it is far from achievable. I am a by product of western culture, which means I want things accessible and immediate. God however, has different plans.

When I first read 'How to read the Bible' (Tim Lahaye), it offered up a three year programme which would ensure the Bible was read through from cover to cover. By reading for a minimum of 15 minutes every day and following his recommended reading schedule, I would have read and in some areas, reread, the Bible fully. Great.......if you are a patient person. As discussed above, this is not the group of students that I fall into. It seemed off-putting almost, that I would have to wait for three years of my life to understand the word of God. That is the longest reading time I have ever come across and I am a speed reader. Reading is my passion, so when I love a book, several days of my life become dedicated to devouring its every  page so I can know the ending and then feel satisfied. The Bible however, is not any old book. It is THE book. Therefore, I have to appreciate that this reading, will take time.

Being a new and baby believer, seems to throw some massive hurdles and challenges in my way. For one, it will be many years (three to be exact) till I have read and understood the Bible, it will then be even more till I can quote it effectively. I have a lot to learn and in the past, I have been  know to tire easily of anything which requires more than several weeks of learning. That’s why school was a success, further learning was not. I wanted speed and knowledge, not set time to do things and a long weary road to the pass mark. I like instant gratification and today I really started to look at the staircase of learning ahead of me. It was high, so high that it went up past the clouds, which I guess is exactly where this journey will take me.

As I have said in previous entries, this transitional period I am in is challenging my character and my mind. It is forcing me to change some long held patterns of behaviour and also many misconceptions I have of myself and the world around me. The journey is not all pain and adversity though, it is opening up a world to me, bit by bit that is captivating my heart. I'm growing every day and in the right direction, upwards. I think back to the fear, the hurt and the hurdles I overcame in my teenage years and how the lessons learnt there have helped make me who I am today. Although I would never wish to go back through those years, I do appreciate them now, for it was here that my mind was opened and discovery of myself came. It is here, that the small steps became gateways for the experiences I would go on to have now.

I see the walk of faith as very similar to those years. We want to be an adult, to speed up the growth process and do what all the lucky adults get to do with all their independence and freedom. But if we had shot up right then to join the adults, we wouldn't have the lessons of life to help us navigate through our daily existence. It may take me three years to learn the Bible, it may take me ten, but each day offers a new gem, a new lesson that I could only have learnt by taking my time and living each moment slowly. God made us all unique, all different so we could do whatever we were created to fulfil. The only way to find that out, the only way to get closer to Him, is to be patient and take each day for the beautiful blessing that it is.

My lessons will come and my understanding will come, like building blocks and cement they will support each other as the path is built. Why do I need to rush the experience? The beauty is often in the small, the seemingly insignificant. I want to be aware of every moment, of every teaching, of every opportunity to continue to grow. I am beginning to understand that the path into the clouds does not stop, it just puts us in a kingdom where our lessons can be brought to fruition, like in the path of teenager to adult. Once we're out of it we never stop learning, we just have a really great base from which to follow our hearts.

Love Always.x

The Battle Continues

 "Therefore do not fear them. For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known." (Matthew 10:26)

I've had mixed feelings all last night and today. I couldn’t make any sense of the extreme worrying and paranoia that was engulfing my brain from the moment I stopped writing till just over an hour ago. In the company of my closest friends this evening, over a birthday meal they had lovingly prepared for me, I experienced a huge episode of paranoia. This time it was triggered after my friends aunty had been talking to me in the living room and then left to talk to the girls in the kitchen. I would just like to add that these two girls are the wonderful friends I wrote about before, who are nothing less than amazing with me every day. They had already presented me with thoughtful and perfect gifts and we had been laughing and chatting all evening. When her aunty left after speaking to me, I spent the next 15 minutes, frozen in silence assessing whether it was because she didn’t like me. My head then became crammed with ideas of conversations they were having about not liking me in the kitchen. It completely paralysed me and I became absorbed in my usual patterns of self hatred and negativity. It was only when her aunty left and the girls asked if anything was wrong as I was quiet, that I chose to confess what had been happening in my head. Both of my friends were shocked that I had even thought that and assured me this was absolutely not true. I looked at their faces and truth beamed off of them and there in that spot, the devil and spirit of rejection was slayed.

My mind is vicious. The demon of darkness is never far away and all day I had been dealing with the fear of my own existence. I had started questioning whether my path with God was the right one, whether maybe I actually wanted to wear designer clothes and work in a high powered job in London instead. I started thinking about how people might think I 'm strange for the choices I am now making and the statements I am now writing and discussing. I worried that I was further distancing myself from the world I live in and this would only make me more unhappy. This is called the fear of the unknown and this spirit and I have been together all day. The spirit of rejection was a close second and was further aggravated when the friend who had rejected me last week, text me pretending nothing had happened. I am secretly convinced that the devil is treating her as a puppet to achieve his desires, as wherever there is happiness, she seems to swoop and destroy.

It is only now I have got home and have slayed the fear of rejection with the aid of my best friends, that I have been able to speak to the Lord and be aware of Him with me. As the seed of rejection attempted to fill my mind as I undressed, I loudly said "There is no space for you here, the Lord is present," and with that, the final puffs of black evil smoke, disappeared. In its space my revelation has come: As with the spirit school day (Ian Clayton), after a period of time in the glory of God, the devil will descend. Too much time in the presence of God scares the dark side, so they came to attack me and they almost won. These thoughts are powerful beyond measure and when I am in the midst of them, I honestly still struggle to find a way out. In one day I had gone from mesmerized bride to the zombie monster of paranoia city. I was being greeted from both sides of the fence, but like a moth to a flame, I go to the thing that I am used to and need the most, even though it is destroying me.

My ability to open up and tell my friends what was going on in my head marked a turning point for me. It was my opportunity to confront the fear head on and it worked. Patience is the name of this game, and I am realising that I am fighting a battle for my soul every day. The darkness has an echo, a knowing, an unusual comfort to it that I have clung to for too many years of my life. I may be blinded by the light, but every day a little more of truth and beauty is revealed. If this is my training, then I am proud to say I have passed another day. Bring it on darkness, you better be prepared to fight because I am not giving up. The road may be paved with hurt, pain and testing of every part of my mind and character, but the girl who goes in will not be the same girl that emerges. It will be the real me and you can't touch me then!

Love Always.x

Vision As His Bride

 "Wherever you go, I shall go, wherever you live, I shall live, your people will be my people, and your God will be my God."  (Ruth 1:16)

I keep reading and rereading my last entry and each time I do I get the spirit of fear wash over me. Reading it takes me back, and its a part of my life that I haven’t really dealt with or ever wanted to. One thing I have realised since choosing to walk with Jesus is that strength and understanding is not to be gained staring into the past, to move on we must look into the future, we must stay strong. Ultimately, each new day will bring new experiences and challenges and it is in these times that looking back can be so easy to do. We use it to reflect and also to grow, but beware the pull of the demons of your past, that is where they want you, back in the pain, back in the anger, back and away from freedom.

Last night, which is why I didn’t write, I went to a gathering at Justin and Rachel's home. I met some people I had seen before and also some new faces. I've been there in the past just as I was starting out and faith was a brand new concept, so I knew this would be a great experience and an opportunity to be close to the presence of the Lord. I found last night that I was able to relax more and I felt like I fitted in. This army of angels that are invading our earth are no more different than you and I, but the love that emanates from them is highly addictive and for me at least, it feels like I'm finally home. There are no pretences, there is no games, no popularity contest, just open and honest hearts and conversations that create an atmosphere where individuality can truly flourish. We are all different in our personality's, our preferences, our homes and our careers but this is recognised as it should be, as a blessing of individuality. There is no need to fit into anyone’s idea of what you should be, you as you is good enough. In other words, this was the perfect medicine I needed and I drank it up allllll night long.

Justin led us into worship where we were all able to open ourselves to receive Jesus. Again, I am new to this too so if this makes no sense to you, let me explain. Our lives are so busy busy busy, always rushing here and there, thinking this and shouting that. Our minds struggle under the immense pressure we put it under every day, so much so that inner peace and silence is a rare commodity let alone one made time for. The beautiful part of last night was listening to Justin as his words and welcoming of the Lord, lulled me into a receptive and peaceful state. My mind was able to quieten and it was here that visions were able to emerge as Jesus was able to walk amongst us, filling the room with love. Tingles on the spine, eyes closed and a heart full of hope, were the instant wonders of this quality time. It was here that my vision sprung forth.

I kept looking for Jesus and when I saw Him in front of me, I told Him I wanted to be His bride and with that He held my hand and tucked me under his brown cloak. This was my vision and it was clear as day. I then asked the others what this meant and they told me there is a story of Ruth in the Bible which I should read which would deepen my understanding of the meaning of this particular vision. As I have just started reading the Bible I have obviously not heard of the story of Ruth but I was told that the cloak was symbolic in that it meant commitment. I researched today about the cloak and the book of Ruth and have found this information on two different websites (lovethelord.com and wikipedia):

“The phrase "spread your cloak" was a woman's way of asking for marriage. For a man to spread his cloak over a woman showed acquisition of that woman.” 

“Many believe the book of Ruth to be the most beautiful love story in the Bible.” 

It's only today that I have really understood the significance of this vision and quite frankly, I am blown away. In my heart, I know that this means that Jesus accepts me as His bride and I also know that I am falling in love with Him. Really, seriously falling in love. I understand love, my boyfriend absolutely has me for eternity and I love him with all my heart so I am not discounting this at all. The love with Jesus is unlike anything we experience here, its beyond love that you have for a partner or a family member or friend, its more like a combination of all of those things and then it's intensified. It is actually indescribable and I am hooked.

If I had read the above paragraph from someone else a couple of months ago I would of: a) assumed they were on drugs or b) assumed they were completely crazy, but I have stopped the narcotics and I am sane enough to have been promoted successfully in my career and to manage my finances relatively well. As I have said before, I do not understand any of this, the only sure thing I can tell you is I feel like I am finally starting to follow the path I was always meant to be on. I feel like this is what I was born to do. I feel like the reason I have never fitted in with the rest of the world was because I was never really meant to. You may judge me all you like, but last night I got accepted as the bride of the reason I am free to be me again and that is something I will not apologise for. Opposition will come, but He holds my hand and whispers I am doing the right thing and I really do believe Him.

I was also fortunate enough to meet Justins mum last night and she was absolutely amazing, I wanted to take her home and keep her! She blessed me so that I could be thirsty for the Word of God and that my understanding would come quickly. She blessed me with an insatiable desire to be closer to the Lord by getting into the Word and really using it well. I told her of how excited I am to be on this journey and she gave me such a compliment and said I reminded her of her when she first got saved. Wow. I am blessed and I know and told her that the insatiable desire is there and I am desperate to get closer and closer, deeper and more intimate with the Lord.

My world of understanding is opening up, being around the people of God and absorbing all they have to share, bolsters me up and renews me so I can bring further passion on my darker days. This is the right path for me, this is who I was meant to be and this is only the start of my journey. The Lord and I made it known to each other yesterday that we would be a team and I feel His presence even now as I write. A white robe with a gold panel down each chest and a hand on my shoulder. He is with me. This may be too much for some to understand, but it is never too much for you to experience. I can honestly say that I am finding happiness the added bonus to a breathtaking walk of faith. Open your eyes, its all around you. Open your heart and let it invade you. I have and as a bride after her wedding day, I tell you, I will never look back on the greatest commitment I have ever made.

Love Always.xxx

My Fear Of Rejection

“Be brave and steadfast; have no fear or dread of them, for it is the Lord, your God, who marches with you; he will never fail you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6) 

I think its safe to say that most of us have had to deal with rejection at some point in our lives. This could be anything from a job opportunity, a serious crush or in my case a very close friend. I have never found it easy to deal with rejection and I am acutely aware that this is the demon that keeps me terrified of change and prevents me allowing full acceptance of myself. I am trapped in my fearful net and this recent rejection has catapulted me back to the small scared girl I never really left at the school gates.

Even since my infant school crush threw the acorn I gave him as a present, over the school fence, I have been aware that rejection was a cruel part of life. This followed me through primary school when no matter how hard I tried, I never fitted in, and into the worst years of my life in comprehensive school. It was here that I suffered the worst forms of rejection that set the pattern for the self abuse and self hatred that I still deal with now. Here at the age of only 12, I had my first real taster of how evil people can be and suffered daily with abuse and taunts about my image that caused me to sink deeper and deeper into myself. It was here that the seed of rejection really came to fruition as I cut myself, forced myself to be sick (for abuse and control, not weight) and wished daily for my death to save me from a world I was never going to be accepted in.

This extreme and brutal experience then turned outwards and I began to seek acceptance in the wrong places. I desperately wanted to fit in and with this, intimacy with boys, drinking and being loud and mouthy became my suit of armour. I became what I thought I needed to be, to get people to like me. Of course, the reality was that my actions only caused further abuse and isolated me more. It was here that I disappeared and my alter ego's came out to play. The scared, frightened girl wrote poems every day, bleeding my heart onto paper in the privacy of my own space. Too scared and disappointed in my inability to fit in, I refused to open up to the people who I loved the most, my family, so I became a problem teen and caused no end of worry.

The rejection continued throughout school and then in a relationship with a man who reminded me often of how worthless and ugly I was. For five years he controlled me and abused me physically, but most of all mentally and destroyed any fragments of hope that I would ever be loved for who I was. My drugs and drink obsession warded off the demon of rejection as I anaesthetised myself from my reality and learnt new ways to hide the broken person that screamed inside of me. Rejection had become my assumed identity and the actions I displayed and choices I made allowed it to take seat in my heart and mind.

I am terrified of people not liking me. I automatically assume that everyone I meet wishes I would go away. Whilst I smile and chat I am thinking of how ugly they must think I am and how they must be desperate to get away from the annoying and useless being in front of them. My loudness is a practised front I wear, guaranteed to fool those who don’t know me. It means you will never guess that I am terrified of you, that I know you don’t like me. I will make you think I do not care, but the mental torture I go through is very real and is secretly killing me. I have been rejected over and over and now I reject myself. I expect you to do the same with me. Which is why, even with my closest friends I fear that they do not really like me at all, in fact I often believe they just put up with me.

In the last few years, after many many years of counselling, I have allowed myself to get closer to people. There have been certain people in my life who have seen through the disguise I wear and who I know would never reject me. Of those people is my family and one friend I have who now lives in Peru, she saw the pain and she helped me heal as much as she could. She is my angel and I know that regardless of what I was doing and who I was trying to be, she saw through it all and loved me. In my life now, I can count the number of true friends I have on one hand. But even with these, the fear of rejection often rears its ugly head and makes me doubt whether they truly want to be around me or are secretly hoping I will leave them alone. My boyfriend, who does honestly love and accept me just as I am, who is a mere miracle of a man, is the one of the only people, aside from my childhood friend and family who I can really take off my mask with and just be...me. He doesn’t always understand, neither do I, but he always reminds me every day how much he loves me and that has helped me start to accept myself more and to accept my friendships more.

The girl who I have been best friends with for the past couple of years is the one I mentioned in yesterdays blog, who chose not to come to the birthday meal that she had made us do on a date she preferred. This girl has always caused the fear of rejection to swell in me. Through being bullied and abused and in part an innate sense, I can usually read people very well without having met them for long. I did it with her and I wasn’t wrong. We all have people in our lives who we continue to put up with even though they drain our energy, they make us feel bad and they gossip all the time about everybody. My pattern in life has been to go from one bully to the next. I was badly bullied in school, I was then badly bullied by my boyfriend and as we split up I met the new bully, my recent best friend. I needed to be around the people I was scared of the most. As I write this, as my soul spills out, my mistake is clear as day. I have allowed myself to stay trapped in the fear of rejection by choosing people who would demonstrate it the best.

I always believed and still often do, that I am worth nothing. So, I stay in relationships and situations that add to that feeling, addicted to the pain and comfortable because I genuinely believe I deserve nothing more. This girl, has been a good friend at times, but it has often been on her terms and as she sees fit. She has destroyed relationships and judged cruelly and I have supported her even though it has gone against my morals. I have allowed the fear of rejection to dictate my relationships, even though the original bullying has long since finished. I have found a way to keep me where I believe I deserve I need to be and on Sunday that bondage was cut free. Since then, I have been feeling worthless and have started questioning whether she is bad mouthing me. I have also assessed what I have possibly done wrong and to be honest, I have been sat with Mr Rejection, agreeing that this is what I deserve - it's because of me and my useless existence.

This is a new moment. I write from my heart with the aid of my King and He is revealing to me the truth as I type. This is meant to be. This is the start of my freedom. I welcomed God into my life and He has promised to save me and this is exactly what He is doing. He is freeing me from the pain of my past and releasing glory so I can walk free in my future as the real me. The me that I covered up, the me that I hated and the me that I continued to compromise. Thank you so much Lord for believing in me, for making me realise that this is not a tragedy, this is not rejection, this is my rebirth, this is my hope. The fear of rejection has kept me locked and bounded to the people who represent everything I am scared of being rejected from. The bully has left and the Lord has picked me up and accepted me, just as I am. Ohhhhhh Thank you. Lord of my heart, Lord of my life, I trust in you completely.

Love Always.xxx

My Pride becomes My Fall

"The suffering you sent was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your principles." (Psalm 119:71, NLT)

There is a saying that pride comes before a fall and I have truly lived this statement in these past two days, like never before. I was so happy before I left my house, proud that I had turned the other way when the temptations and vices of my past were in my face, so I thought I had passed the big test that God had set me. I was off to revel in the glory of my greatness on a perfectly planned weekend. Oh yes, I was walking tall and felt I had finally kissed the wilderness goodbye. Then, life got in my way and the pride I had so clearly displayed on my last entry, was literally wiped off my face. Here, God thought right to test me.

My perfect planned weekend consisted of my car breaking down on the way to the hotel, which then caused me to scream not only at my boyfriend (who had 10 minutes earlier presented me with a beautiful princess cut diamond eternity ring) but also at my parents over the phone. I screamed and shouted at how it was my dads fault for getting me a rubbish car, how my life is rubbish and nothing ever goes right. That vicious serpent of anger spat evil at all those I love and all I could think about was how unfair this was to me. I was the victim and I reminded everyone, including the emergency vehicle response man, that this was the worst day of my life. Clearly, this did not help, as we were then towed all the way back home. I was livid. I was evil. I, was me and it wasn’t a pretty picture.

My mum took me to get a hire car and as she tried to calm me down, I spat abuse at her and advised her nothing in my life was positive. I was acting like a spoilt brat and as for faith, there was none. I accused God of not being there for me when I needed him. I had plans and I had shown Him I was maturing so why was He letting this happen? The fury continued when the hotel was not as grand as the adverts promised, the food was terrible and we had to rush to get home so we could go out for my early birthday dinner. The reason the dinner was also this weekend, rather than next weekend as most of my friends and I would have preferred, was because the friend who had suggested the meal, had insisted she couldn’t do the next weekend. This friend, who I have partied with for many years and been a shoulder to cry on more times than I care to remember, did not show up. No, she chose to get high and drunk instead and only got found out as my boyfriends brother gave his mate a lift who happened to be partying with her. She did not apologise, she did not text or call and she still hasn’t. So, all in all, this weekend has been horrendous. A complete failure. I played the victim position better than Julia Roberts in 'sleeping with the enemy'. Not my proudest moment.

Today I spent time with God. I knew I needed to face up to the anger that I had allowed to completely overtake me. It has not been pretty. I have been reading my books about faith and have realised that what God wanted this weekend was to reveal what was in my heart......suffice to say, it was not good. I can sing the I am faithful song all I want, but if I can so easily morph into the evil serpent that I did over the last two days, then I am nowhere near ready for Him to trust me with greater glory. I have failed miserably. I was so busy praising my efforts on overcoming the hurdles that directly faced me (drink and drugs), that I was blinded to the other areas that also need serious work.

The biggest lesson I have learnt this weekend is that choosing to accept Jesus in my heart and to follow this, is no easy road. You have to be stripped bare. Your previous habits, emotions and reactions will be thrown out there for you to really take a look at. Mine as I said, was not a pretty sight. I did not realise how selfish I can be when things do not go exactly as I planned. I was so involved with my own emotions, that I did not care about the people I loved who were trying to help me. God, wanted to see me believe in Him, to be truly faithful as I promised, but I was too mad to give Him the time of day. My fleshy self, thought only of my own battle and I thought no more of Jesus my friend, He was shut out like everyone else, so I could indulge in my misery.

Whilst reading my book today and reflecting on others I have read in the past few months, none of them claim that the walk of faith is easy. In fact, unlike most other paths you can take in life where they are basically shouting from the rooftops, that true happiness is merely a footstep away, the walk of faith is much less glorified. Anything I read seems to say that although the glory is great, to get it you are going to have to make sacrifices. You are going to have to change and that isn't always easy. I can vouch for that, this is no journey of smooth land and calm seas. This is rocky and threatens to break down everything you have ever known. But guess what, that's the whole point. We are not supposed to experience glory in the man made world, where everything is dependant on immediate gratification, usually personal and often exterior. We are meant to be stripped bare, so that true heavenly glory can shine out from us and into the scary world we inhabit. This is not the road of ease and worldly sensory delights, this is the walk of truth and it is hard and it will challenge you.

This weekend I have seen how easy it is to switch back to worldly mode, where we are ruled by time and ego, but that is not what I signed up for. I want to be broken down and rebuilt into a woman of God. I want to rise above my earthly reactions and desires, to experience the full glory that we are all capable of showing. Its hard, because we are so well trained to expect everything to be perfect and we live in a culture that supports that. Reflecting back, I thought that the past two days, God had forgotten about me, but actually I chose not to have faith in Him. It is always a choice. I wanted immediate results, but then where would the lesson be, that’s not life. We have to face these trials and tribulations, we have to wake up to what it is about ourselves we know we need to change. The destination I work towards is no longer the one I thought, it is much much better, but I know that this journey will make me and break me, till I become the glory I want to see in the world.

Love Always.xxx



Only Two Glasses...

 "If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed." John 8:36 (KJV)

I am a new woman. Tonight I have been a for an amazing meal with my boyfriend and had two small glasses of wine.........that's all. This is a new event for me. I have never, since I first started drinking, been able to stop after two glasses. I even walked past a local pub that I would regularly be drinking the bar dry from, and decided to get a taxi home! I am amazed, shocked, but most of all incredibly proud. That girl I used to be, is on the way out and I couldn’t be happier.

Today was a beautiful day. I spent quality time with one of my biggest heroes (my mum) and my boyfriend has returned home for the weekend to spend time with me. Whilst me and my mum were shopping together today, I noticed a closeness between us, a silent knowing that we were coming out of the rough times and into greener pastures. It wasn’t said so much as it was apparent and felt in our energy throughout the day. To then get glammed up and go out with my boyfriend for a meal was the perfect finish. Without the excessive drinking and desperation to move on to get wrecked, I was able to enjoy the pleasure of just being around this wonderful man.

The true testament of my faith has been shown today. Whilst I still feel the anger bubbling at times and still have that urge to party all night, I have chosen to be true to what I now believe is my destiny. I could never have imagined that I would ever be strong enough to go out and face the challenge of my past vices and walk the other way. I honestly am floored by the will power and more than that, the devotion that I have to not only bettering my life, but walking in my faith. I have allowed the real me to know when enough is enough and my thirst for being sedated from life is nowhere near as strong as my thirst for being closer to God.

The statement that 'I am a new creation' was literally my theme for the day. The person that I forgot existed was out there experiencing life with no aid or desire to escape. It is a real turning point for me and although I am slightly tipsy as I write, I am actually writing. I could not ignore the burning desire to be close to God and writing is how I feel that connection the most. Life will continue to go on around me and with me, but in my heart I knew I needed closeness to my Lord. I actually miss Him. He truly is in my heart and I yearn for Him, a deep desire that needs to be filled. It's not even a conscious thing anymore, its just a passion, a willing to be close to the one who made me.

It will also be a beautiful weekend for me, I am staying in a hotel with my boyfriend tomorrow, a belated anniversary gift and I am going out for an early birthday meal with my sister and my friends on the Sunday. It is unlikely I will have time to write until Monday, which  I am sure I will find really hard. This has become more than just a documentation of my daily life and thoughts, it fills a void in me that only God has been able to fulfil. I love these moments because as I learn more about myself, I also learn and yearn more about my creator. It is such a blessing to be able to open my heart and to know that the reason I am doing it is because he has guided me to do so. I am going to enjoy every quality moment this weekend with the people I love, but just because I am unable to write will not mean I am unable to spend time in his presence. I will do so, as I do every day, with truth and with love. It is what I was made for and it is the reason, I will never walk away from what so far has been the most exciting journey I have ever taken.

Love Always.x

Puff the Magic Devil

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

That sneaky devil!! That sneaky, naughty, tempting devil! How does he do it? I'll tell you how, he uses my weak spots to plant his seed and there it sits and grows. In case this is all sounding a bit weird to you, I will be honest and tell you that the last few nights (since suicidal day), I have been smoking a spliff before I go to bed. Initially it was because I needed a crux and did not want to return to vodka which would ultimately lead to a drink and drugs binge. As much as I may crave that release at times, I was not going to throw this entire new me, out of the window. So, I retrieved my emergency weed (cannabis) stash and smoked my way into calmness.

I know that there will be many people who think I am not honouring my faith by choosing to smoke, but this is me. I have come so far in my quest to turn my life around, that a couple of puffs on a spliff doesn’t really concern me and although I know God doesn’t agree with it, he does love me and there are times when I will succumb to the vices of my past. I just have to be honest and open about why I did it. Obviously, the reason I did it last week was because I had the worst depressive day yet and did not know how to deal with the pain aside from removing myself from the world. I would never do that, so I smoked a spliff. That’s it. Judge me if you wish, but I have made peace with my choice. I am still learning and still growing and I have accepted that.

The issue for me was not that I initially smoked it. I needed instant peace and relaxation and as usual it delivered it. What I did not need to do was divide that small amount of weed into enough to keep me smoking every night since. That, is where I went wrong. The telling sign of addiction is doing whatever it is you are addicted to, even though you wish you weren't. When it is no longer a pleasure so much as a really annoying habit that you cant resist doing. As I lay in bed last night, I was puffing away and munching on my sweets/cakes/chocolate when I started laughing...Not because I was stoned, although this is also common. No, I was laughing at the irony of the situation. Out loud in bed, I started saying, "You sneaky Devil! You really are unbelievable. When I am in this state you know slimming world is out the window, you know I'll throw myself down in front of American reality shows and I won't be able to do anything of any use!" I found this seriously funny but also really insightful.

The devil has been leaving me alone in the days in the last week, my torturous mind has been somewhat subdued and now I understand why. It was saving up all its ammunition to get me in the evenings. This was where I thought I had power over my addiction but it shows I still really don't. That crux has now become a gateway for bad habits and bad thoughts to enter and they do so with lightening speed. I am no longer Miss stoned funny bunny, I am paranoid peter who can't stop eating. It is insane that every day after great times being close with God, that I still run to the devil. I am basically having an affair, flitting between light and dark unsure of where to set my base.

My attachment to pain and anything which destroys me is bigger than I initially thought. I am positively attracted to the dark side and this has been a recurrent theme throughout my life. But I really thought I had nailed it this time. I really thought I had climbed out of addiction central and walked into glory. That is the thing with the devil, one bad day of suicidal thoughts opened the gateways to bad actions. He has still this power over me and as we have had so many moments together in the past, I guess he's finding it hard to believe I really don’t want to be there any more. I have had enough of living in the darkness and replacing one bad habit with another. I can still feel his fiery grip is clenched around my heart and he knows when I start smoking weed, I return as if I've never left.

I need to face the battles head on, but some days I know the weed issue will creep back up again. Some people agree with it, as it is natural and does have proven healing qualities. I can also categorically say that is has helped me many times when I have been unable to cope with what life and my mind throws at me.  But beware of things you do that trap you in a cycle. It could be anything from extreme cleaning to obsessive hoarding etc, whatever takes you away temporarily from your reality. In small doses these are sometimes okay, but to be doing them when they undo the work that the real you is trying to maintain, that’s when its a problem. That’s where the devil steps in and takes control. Turning your back on the people and promises that are so essential for your growth.

My battle is never done, it is ongoing and I appreciate that patience is absolutely necessary when dealing with any big change. Sometimes we have to really look at the patterns we've developed and assess whether they are helping or hindering our growth. That could be spiritually or emotionally, you'll know which for you. It would be so easy for me to return to that lifestyle, smoking weed daily, working too much and partying till my body gives in. I have lived that life for so long, that it would never be difficult for me to be that girl again. But I look back at the life I was living and the person I was becoming and I know for sure that the real me is the one walking this path and I don't want to let her down. This is about no one else but my family, me and God and that’s why ultimately I choose to carry on, because I know that regardless of the many escape routes available to me, no destination will be as glorious as the one I'm heading to now. I am stronger than my addiction, I do not walk alone.

Love Always.x

Am I Ready For Work?

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matthew 6:34)

Today I felt ready to take on the mammoth task of assessing when I would be ready to return to work and normal life. I have spent the last two hours trawling through mental health sites and articles in an attempt to gain some clarity on exactly what it is I should  be doing to get me prepared to face reality again. As it goes, I am further from being ready than I thought. Thank you brain, your nothing if not defeatist.

I know the process of recovery from the mother of all breakdowns is going to be slow, but I am not a patient person. Being good to myself is not a statement I liken myself to and neither is it one I have practised very often. I want to be ready now. I want to never have to experience the crushing and disturbing visions of my mind, ever again. If I could, I would get dressed tomorrow and return to work and attempt to carry on as though nothing has ever happened. But that is not my life. That is not my current reality and in order for me to get better, I have to start heeding the advice of not just my friends and family, but every single website designed for the mentally broken, like me. That advice is to slow down, to take baby steps and to recognise that maybe I won't ever be that same girl again. Maybe the ten hour work days and the 48 hour parties are not the life I will be returning to, but that's okay. That's part of the reason I got down here with the devil anyway.

The idea of putting a care plan together, of finally registering myself with a disability and learning the right way to manage my symptoms is not only baffling, it also scares me. I am just a young woman, why do I have to set these boundaries and labels to define me into this box? I know, I know, it is so I can live a relatively normal life, but it is exhausting. Even reading about my next steps is stressing me out, so actually doing them is surely going to produce an adverse effect. I have been bounded by lists and ideals since I first started understanding that they existed. I am now a by product of my own patterns and habits. Not exactly the desired effect I was looking for.

When I think of Jesus, I know that He was set apart, as are all who choose to accept Him in their heart and life. Strangely enough, there are many websites for this area as well, although none seem so daunting. The message quite simply is: admit your sins, accept me in your heart and I am there! What? No care plan, no ridiculously long analysis of my past and my future ideals? Nope, just accepting and knowing that He's there and off we go. It really is that simple. You can complicate it if you want, but its pointless, I've tried. Big shiny simple message right there for you to take and doesn’t it deliver!

I am frustrated with my disorder because it has latched itself onto the shadow of the girl I already was and is now the pink elephant in the room with me at all times. I know its there, I know it won't be ignored, but it just doesn’t fit in with how I see myself anymore. I want it to go up in a puff of brightly coloured smoke and leave me here, ready and able to face my destiny. But, I am not in the land of plain sailing yet. Whether I choose to ignore it or not, I am dosed up everyday on strong medication and I have to be accountable to mental health professionals and my employer. I have to find strength from somewhere to be able to do the things that need to be done.

I am not going to spend any more time looking at the mental health advice today, I feel a much bigger urge to find out about the next miraculous wonders my wonderful Lord fulfilled in the remaining parts of Johns Gospel. I might not be ready to look in the face of the elephant but it doesn’t matter, because the eyes I now choose to stare into, renew me every day. Maybe together we can tackle this head on, because it isn’t me is it? Its just my mind and it wont let go of the pain it holds. In the spirit I stand free of all the labels put on me and those put on myself. So tonight, that’s where I’ll be, dancing away with the King of my heart in places of heavenly glory.......

Love Always.x

Basking And Dancing

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13)

There is something very suspicious going on around here. Very suspicious indeed. I went to bed last night and as I was lay there I started getting excited about today. I was just lay in bed thinking that I couldn't wait to spend more time with God! Seriously. I was just desperate to spend more time absorbing the Bible scriptures and just to be walking around with the presence of our Lord. Woah, this was beautiful.

Pleased to say that today has not disappointed. I have been basking all day in the glory and I am still grinning from ear to ear. I have actually felt the presence of angels around me and they are so much fun. It makes me feel fun, they're just great company and don't seem to mind the amount of smoke I am most likely billowing in their face. One bad habit at at at time.....

My manager came to see me today from work, as I still haven’t returned. On a serious note, my illness does make it hard for me to guarantee when it is I will be well enough to return without the risk of sinking into depression or rising to the manic patient I became prior to my being sent home last time. I honestly told her that I had been doing fairly well, but that last week had completely knocked me for six. I couldn’t believe how down I was last week and really I still can't. It was nothing short of terrifying. I am so lucky that my manager is incredibly understanding and patient and she advised me that until I can manage a full month without the extremes of my disorder, then I shouldn't think of returning yet. 

In the past my reply to this comment would have been that that may well be forever, but I have God with me now and I know my recovery is on the up. If today is anything to go by, I think the good times are just starting to roll in. My demons have been on vacation today and good riddance to them, I have been far too happy reading the Gospel of John to let them bother me. Come on Demons, you vs Jesus, I know who my bets are on! 

My mind opened today so I could absorb the words of God and they really do offer hope and inspiration. Aside from that though, they are actually telling us what we intrinsically know but are never truly sure of. I have seen first hand the effects of glory on the children of God. Every time I meet someone who walks closely with Jesus, you can just tell them apart. Reading about how humble and kind He was today, I looked back at the people I have already met on this journey and can honestly say that they are all alike to Him. Their mannerisms, their glow, their actions and their words were so similar to that which I read of and it is a true testament to His love, being around them. I am positively attracted to the Lord within them and today I understood why.

I also personally had an amazing moment with the man of the hour today. I put on the soaking music and sat on my chair, palms upward and basked in the deep glory of his presence. Whilst sat there I had an image of dancing closely with Jesus and I then stood up from the chair and danced in my kitchen, eyes closed and allowed myself to completely be taken away by the sheer power of this image. It was breathtaking and unlike anything I have ever experienced in the physical realm. I felt his hand in mine and stared straight at Him and felt the pure love that existed in that very moment. I am still harbouring that deep stirring and excitement as I now write. I was transported to Him and felt like a bride on her wedding day as I danced around, with only Him to guide me.

I do not understand what is happening, I don't even want to. It is above my human capacity to understand. This is all new and I could never have been prepared for what beautiful, glorious moments would have happened when I finally opened my heart to let him in. This is a new world. I am a new creation and I am loving it. Darkness may come, but it will not dance where He has stood, for today I had a taste of being His bride and I will never ever let that memory pass. Thank you sweet and beautiful Lord, for taking my hand and in turn holding my heart. It is yours to keep.

Love Always.x 

The Enemy and Me

 "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." (2 Corinthians 5:17 KJV)

My awareness to the enemy was heightened today. I did not have to wait long for the spirit of darkness to attach itself to my mind and begin to sow its seed. Its laughable really, it is the most persistent thing I have ever come across. Usually we enjoy the thrill of the chase, being chased being the ultimate in egotistical satisfaction. However, in this case, my pursuer is not such a great catch. But he does know me better than most, he knows my weaknesses, he understands and works with my triggers to self destruct and for such a long time, he has been a part of me. Today I called his bluff.

Yesterday Ian Clayton told me that one of the reasons I felt so low the day after basking in the glory at the training school, was that my demons were there in full force to try and get me back. Basically, a day within the light and glory of God's presence was too risky for the Devil to contend with, so I guess he sent out his army to hunt me down and make me pay. Leading his army was the spirit of suicide, the opt out to the terrifying images that were played out to me throughout the day. I was tortured from morning to night with thoughts and feelings of despair, disgust and death. My own of course.

Today when driving, I became absorbed in the thought patterns of my mind. Mr familiar was filling every thought with reminders of what a useless being I was and how I could never succeed at anything. It took me all of 15 minutes to snap out of it and declare out loud "Angels all around me, keep me guided, keep me strong. Please don't let the darkness in." Surprisingly enough, it worked. It really did work. If I felt that tug of fear pulling at me, I absorbed myself in the knowledge that my angels were all around me.

I know that this will not always be easy to do.  It took me 15minutes today whilst driving, before I even realised what was happening in my head. The really powerful thing about the enemy is that it sounds just like you, thinks just like you and acts just like you. But you must understand, as I do now, that this is not who you are. This is a by product of everything that is around you and of the fear you have harboured after every rejection, every loss, every crisis whether minor or major. These things are outside of you, but you become so blind to that, that eventually that evil demonic nature overtakes you. With that, we turn to painful and often addictive behaviour patterns. Somehow, without knowing it, we are living our life behind a pane of glass. We watch ourselves, shouting, eating too much, gossiping, drinking etc. and feel like we are a passenger on a ride, unable to stop the descent into hell.

I still sit behind the pane of glass on most days. Since finding God and accepting the Lord into my heart, I have been able to detach myself from the evil spirit that surrounds me, but that does not mean it has left. Whilst I am aware it is not who I am, it is within me and does not want to leave. So I do what we all do and get angry at the world and mostly myself for not being who I want to be. It is vicious, it is well practised in the dark corners of our mind and it is fooling us day after day. This great magician, has cast a spell over us so great, that there really only is one way to wake up from it. That of course, is to ask the Lord into your heart and to believe that He is there. Believe that He loves you and watch as the more you believe, the more your life becomes a blessing.

As I am a baby of the Lord, this is all new to me, for anyone reading this who has not yet found God, the above statements are probably quite difficult to take in. I know myself, if I had read this prior my major breakdown, I would have been dubious of the factual evidence of this apparent truth for all. There is no way to make you believe that something bigger than you exists and wants the best for you. That you are loved just because you are you and nothing you have ever done or ever will do will change that. You can continue to search for love in the bottom of a bottle every day for the next year, but you will only find hatred. I can promise you that. The enemy has a way of making us search for acceptance and love in the strangest of places. In places where we get as far away from who we are as possible! How can that ever create lasting happiness?

I can only talk from my experiences and know I have had many lost attempts at trying to find who I am in this world in nearly every other place except myself. The ultimate mission of the enemy seems to be to separate us from ourselves and other people. We are very well trained in doing this. My turning to God has meant that I am having to learn to see myself and who I am through new eyes. Eyes that look directly at me, not out at other objects or habits. Because God loves me, I am beginning to love me. To make it clear, my family have always loved me, but I think we all know that unfortunately that isn’t always a pass to love ourselves. It helps, but in due time, the ways of the world teach you that regardless of how much love you have from those around you, it still doesn’t make you worthy. We become detached from the meaning of real love.

God loves us all, regardless of our worldly trials and tribulations. I promise you that if you are lost, if you are fighting day in, day out, with who you are, then ask Him to help you and He will. He honours his word, he delivers us from evil and teaches us to walk amongst this earth with love and only love in our hearts. Life can be the most wonderful experience, or it can just be your long walk to death. Open your hearts, open your minds and when the enemy closes in, know that your just a breath away from salvation.

Love Always.x

Saved By His Army

" He sent out his word and healed them,and delivered them from their destruction." (Psalm 107:20)

What a difference a day makes!! God has not forgotten about me, no no no, He loves me. He really honestly loves me and He knows I will get through this painful part of my existence. Good things are in my destiny, I just have to be strong.

I rang my sister earlier for a quick chat and she invited me to a barbecue at Anya and Vins (earthly angels), to celebrate his birthday. Usually I am no good with last minute invites, I need time to assess what will happen and let my mind poison my thoughts with fear over the upcoming event, but today I just agreed to come. If anyone could bring me out of this pool of darkness, this amazing couple were the right way to go. So, I went and was immediately welcomed by another miracle couple, Justin and Rachel and many other new faces I hadn’t seen before.

Amongst these people was Ian Clayton, the inspirational speaker and messenger of God, from the training school I attended on Friday. Anya took me to sit with him to ask his advice on the affliction of severe depression on my mind. He was so gracious and started explaining that a bad spirit had attached itself to me and it was essentially keeping me trapped in the past, in my pain, in my fear of rejection and all the other battles I face within. He spoke from God through to me, that God has a destiny for me and it was to help other people who had also been broken and suffering. He advised me that these challenges I was going through were there to help me to get closer to God and to free myself from that negative spirit. The enemy would only defeat me if I let it. I could choose to go whichever way I wanted to, but I know which choice I want and already have made.

I was so touched that Ian spent this time with me, his words boosted my spirit and knowing that my pain could help other people, resonated with the spirit within. God has spoke these words to me many times, I now know it really was Him saying them. Ian told me I could remove the record of my DNA that was harbouring the bad thoughts, and return to the original record where only the spirit of God moves through me and this filled me with hope. There is another way. Its not the way out necessarily, I think for me it has shown me there is a way through. But the baggage stays behind, tossed like an old record, never to be heard again.

Justin, who is also a close companion of Gods, also opened his home and said I could come and see him and his wife whenever I wanted. The people that I have met since being on this path have humbled me. They open their hearts and their homes to all people because they don't see the evil we believe we possess, they see the spirit of God in us and want to help us see it too. We are so used to being in a society where we are permanently judged, where kindness is seen as a weakness and where we consider our time too precious to share with others. These traits do not exist with children of God, who recognise their place in the world. In fact. they are not really of this world, so they are not bounded by its constraints and demons. They soar above the realm of the physical and today I felt awake to their unbelievable power and grace. You have to see it to believe it, it will take you to your knees.

I have left the barbecue today, plated with a new suit of armour. Anya and Vin not only imparted advice and love, they also gave me some audio to listen to so I can soak in the word of God. But beside that, I have met more of the powerful army that is invading our earth all around us. The spirit that follows me, that gets in my head day after day telling me I am nothing and I am worthless is but a small speck compared to the spirit of the Lord that is already within me and within us all. I can be the destiny that I am called to be or I can let the darkness descend. Then I would destroy not only my life, but potentially many more that I could have saved by using my experiences to heal the wounds of those who've been where I've been. There are so many people who can't stand to be who they are and too many of them give up the fight. My destiny in God is the one I've always known about, but been too scared to go for. Failure and doubt are just a learning curve, it does not have to be a destination. I hope that I don't meet you there, instead lets meet in the true light of heavenly glory, right here on earth.

Love Always.x

Hello Pain, Welcome Back

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (I Peter 5:6-7)

I am suicidal today. I swore honesty, so here it is. Being alive is torturous, I am consumed with pain and fear and when my faith should be strong and unmoving, it isn't. It doesn't appear to be anywhere. If this is the devil's work then he is so close to winning, I can almost smell the fire of his hot house burning.

Whilst I am proud of the fact that I have turned my back on my previous forms of escapism, I now feel I hang in limbo. I am neither best friends with God or the Devil, I am just a mess somewhere in between and I do not like it. All I want to do is down a bottle of vodka, get my dealer on speed dial and inebriate myself against the disturbing flow of evil thoughts in my mind. I am unbearable to be around. I would like to relinquish control of myself and give someone else the power of my every action and thought process. I would now like to be a spectator of my ordinary life as I was with my sedated life. The real thing is not providing me the hope and promises that I had once imagined.

I am not actually going to do anything to remove myself from this world, I love my family too much to put them through it again. When younger I tried this escape route but failed.....fortunately. I know how selfish people think suicide is. I know how lucky I am just to be alive, but you can not possibly judge or begin to understand what it takes for someone to be in a situation where that seems the only way out. I know in my attempt before, I thought I was helping my family, preventing them from having me as their miserable burden and in my mind I thought it would genuinely be a blessing to them. I am now older and wiser and know that death in any form, is never easy to handle and if you can be alive, then that must always be the option, no matter how hard that can be. For me at the moment, it is incredibly difficult.

I know I am very ill at the moment, my depression has reached a new low today and I would have phoned my crisis team (a team of mental health professionals), but instead spent time with my family which helped the mood to lift temporarily. I am terrified of my thoughts, I listen to them and try to argue back to the negativity, but it is the well developed mind of a depressed woman and it knows no bounds. I am trapped behind a wall and I shudder at the prospect of one more day spent living this horrific nightmare. Why is this happening?

I wonder if the big transition from 100% party animal and work devotee, to calm, faith holding and sober human has been too much for my mind to take. Just removing the abusive behaviour does not remove the abusive thought patterns and that makes it hard for me to stay focused on the road ahead. I am sorry that today’s blog could not offer inspiration or hope, but know that I will carry on fighting this. I may feel far from God at the moment, but I also know that He is the one reason I am not sat here with a bottle of Vodka and drowning my pain. He is still there, even though I don't want to be.

Love Always.x

First Intense Glory School

“Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones!” (Song of Solomon 5:1)

It was my first experience of full on intense worship and the power of God moving through people today. Whilst I have had some seemingly overwhelming moments myself, nothing could have prepared me for the manifestation of the spirit in the spiritual training school today. To put it bluntly, I was absolutely astounded. This was unlike anything I had ever seen, heard, felt or touched in my life. It's effects are only just wearing off me now. It is actually hard to write, as one foot remains very much in the realm of heavenly glory.

I went along to see Ian Clayton today, an acclaimed and inspirational speaker with many fans. I was nervous as I was going alone, but as every single person I have met so far within the glory realm have been some of the nicest I've ever met, I knew I would be ok. To the outside world and to a newbie like me, what went on inside the walls of that building was nothing short of exceptional. Many of the people in there were older than me (25), and there was a mix of both men and women. They could have been school teachers, housewives, bank managers, shop assistants, just a mix of the general public. I met a really lovely couple who Justin (the organiser and a great guy) introduced me to and they kindly welcomed me and put me at ease in this unknown world.

Then the music began to play, an enchanting mix of guitar, drums and women’s voices singing, which started the ascension into a magical state. Its beat was hypnotic and as I looked around I began to see the effects of this start to our session. These women and men I had met, who just earlier were pouring cups of coffee and chatting about their weekends, were rolling on the floor, speaking in tongues (a gift of God speaking through you) and laughter erupted from every corner. In all honesty, it was not that dissimilar to many raves I have been to in the past, only no one was in hot pants and not a drop of alcohol was in sight. I am also sure that they had not been popping pills in the toilet. Nope, this was just God touching people with His spirit.

Strangely enough, I did not feel out of place in this environment. I could understand why they may get backlash from people outside of this heavenly place, the sights and sounds do take a while to get used to. But once you get over your preconceived idea of flesh's standards for acceptable behaviour, you really see the presence of something much greater in the atmosphere. Something which can only be described as heavenly.

For me, a lot of the words Ian was speaking were above my level of understanding, but taking advice from one of the angels I already know, Anya, I let the words wash over me so my spirit could take them in. No, I did not understand it all, I still don't, but I soaked and soaked in the beautiful presence of the Lord and felt comfortable in those surroundings. After lunch, another music session was played, this time slower, even more hypnotic and it worked as desired. I was high as a kite. My body felt ripples of a mix of peace, love and excitement and as my eyelids fluttered in the presence of angels, I felt a deep calm wash over me. This can not be underestimated, it is truly remarkable and very very intense. At first, I was reluctant to let myself go, terrified that people would be looking at me and thinking I didn’t know what I was doing and looked stupid. I started thinking that the people who had been so welcoming to me in the beginning were wishing they hadn’t ended up with the novice girl and secretly wanted to be rid of me.

I was however, able to look beyond the comments in my mind and realise that even in a place of Gods true glory the devil could sneak in on my shoulder. So I mentally shooed him away and closed my eyes, opened my palms and told Jesus I loved Him. As quickly as that, I was welcomed into the glory and there I stayed, basking in the light till the song finished. My quivering lip and hands as we regained our composure were not the only after effects of this after lunch soaking. I felt giddy, smiley and to be quite honest, drunk. But how you may ask? I am by no means a lightweight when it comes to knocking them back, but it would seem a small shot of glory was enough to get me trollied! I can't explain it beyond that, it's beyond our human understanding, which is why it's so intoxicating.

I left a little early from the seminar, my head crammed and my body otherworldly. I wanted to lie down and just be still for a while. As a newbie this was a truly intense experience and one that has been sure to change me further than I thought possible. It has renewed the desire in me to be close to the Lord, although it may be a while before I am fully ready to appreciate the amazing glory available to us if we go to seminars such as this. My spirit had such a great day, that I can feel the pull of tiredness urging me to pull the covers up and sleep. That’s where the knowledge I didn't understand can be digested and played out in my dreams. A new day tomorrow, one step closer I become to that place, just a drumbeat away.......

Love Always.x