“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God” (Romans 12:2)
I am having a horrible day. I seep hatred from every pore of my being and do not know what to do about it. I hate days like these and unfortunately with my current state of mind, they are all too often an occurrence. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up as someone else. But no, I am here, I am me and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
My life on the outside doesn’t look complicated at all. I have great friends, a wonderful family, a good job and a healthy body. But in my mind, the complication does not refer to those factors. I don't know who I am anymore, the party girl of the past is gone and in her place is this foreign new person. I've joined slimming world, I keep a spending diary, I am trying to be good with housework and most prominently, I have found God. All of these are great changes, but none of them offers the immediate emotional gratification that comes from taking drugs and drink. I have to focus now and I have never been that person.
It is accurate to say that I have spent most of my life living in daydreams. Since I was a little girl, I would run to books to seek out other lives and let my imagination run wild. For years, I have absorbed information and ideas, desperate to bring them into my own existence. The dreams have moved on from wanting prince charming to come and save me (although that has only recently been deleted), they then grew into planning every little detail of my life. I have been obsessive about doing/trying new things, but never getting them done. How could I? It would be impossible to know where to start.
These dreams then became planned necessities, a guarantee to give me happiness. Those new shoes, that Tuscan villa, the specially imported wines, the new face cream that’s a fave of celebrities. I wanted a home reflective of the ones I read about in my magazines, I wanted my social events to be akin to that of 'The Housewives of Orange County.' I believed in the articles I read, I wanted what they had, I believed they were talking directly to me. Not some of them, all of them. My obsessive behaviour in this field, has meant I have more than 100 magazines which I refuse to get rid of as they contain precious gems of inspirational articles and advice for getting me to the life I was meant to be living. I have list after list of unanswered dreams, no two the same. There is no real similarity between most of the lists, aside from the fact that they aren't the life I'm living.
I truly appreciate what amazing gifts I already have in my life, I am more than blessed when it comes to family, friends and love. But, that has never seemed enough for me. I have always wanted more. But, at what expense? My boyfriend has recently decorated my home so it is beautiful and it rings a bell that somewhere in one of my past articles/lists, this home was exactly the one I wanted, only better. But the gratification is short and sweet, not lasting as it should be. It seems, I am already many articles away looking for the next dream interior.
This is so frustrating. I am aware that my obsession with a life outside of my own is causing me to be miserable. Most of these things are material, some are destinations and some are even new careers. I have this massive burden of things never done, that continues to escalate out of control. Once I have written down the dream, I then leave it, to add another page to the many notebooks I have acquired over the years. Current reality, especially now, terrifies me. If I am not looking for what I want next then how will I ever achieve anything? If I don’t read these magazines or watch the programmes, then how do I know that I am not missing out on my ideal life?
Bringing God into my life, has stunted these areas. I feel an obligation to spend time with Him so in recent weeks, the magazine reading and (most of) the ideal life note writing has stopped. But this has made me nervous. My new magazine subscriptions have been glaring at me from across the room, always reminding me that in their covers is that key to happiness and success. I gave in today and peeled back the crisp dreamy pages and read them. I loved it. I was back to faraway land, being inspired and letting the articles roll around my mind and onto the shelf of dreams. But, this time I started thinking about my life and what I would be writing about in the magazines and do you know what........it made for good reading.
Maybe I won't have that dream villa or shop in that luxury farmers market. Maybe the house that my boyfriend has made a home and the charity shop bargains that me and my mum love so much will be the life for me. That doesn't sound too bad, I just need to stop looking outside of my reality and focusing on how much good there already is.
I am in a transitional period, so many changes have been made, each one making me focus on the here and now because really that’s all we've ever got. I would never have had time to grow in my faith before, or even stop and notice that the God I once read about it, is closer than than I thought. Its about changing my perspective and really opening my eyes to what my life is all about. Who knows, maybe one day someone will read my blog and find their dream too. Only this dream, is even better than you could possibly imagine. Find faith, find you and in that, stop worrying because only good can come.
Love Always.x
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