I'm Still An Addict

 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

I thought about drugs today. I wanted to smoke a spliff, I miss it sometimes. Addiction is a deceiving battle, one that will take all of your willpower, time and patience to fight. I would love to say that now I am on a better path, I no longer have the desire to do drugs, but quite simply, that isn’t the case. That demon will not give up its power yet. It's an uphill struggle but each step takes me closer to freedom from it's iron clad grip.

If you've never taken drugs, then it may seem hard to understand why someone would want to do them and why when they are clearly ruining their lives, they would carry on. But, we're not that different after all. Many people suffer with addiction in some form or another, whether its cleaning your house, controlling your food, staying with a partner who makes you miserable or any action you repeatedly do that even though your unhappy, you can't seem to stop. When you have an addiction, another force is it at play and its almost like signing a deal with the devil, that you will mindlessly participate, regardless of the consequences.

I am definitely a poster child for addiction. I am drawn to anything that creates a void for me to become someone else, escape my reality and mostly just feel that there is something that reminds me I'm alive. This may sound like a contradiction in terms, but most of us spend so much time up in our heads that the very action of our addictive natures makes us feel we are actually participating in life. Unfortunately the results of this are never quite like we imagined.

What I've noticed with my own addiction to drugs is that I seem to have another person inside of me that overrides the voice that tells me it is wrong. My response to my addictive wants and needs no longer registers in the front of my mind, it is something that goes on behind the scenes. I don't feel a part of it. I reach out, take the note/bottle/spliff and I know that somewhere in the back of me a thought process is occurring, but its not loud enough to register. I know I shouldn’t do it, but there is no feeling associated to that thought. The addiction is ingrained, it is part of me.

So today, when I wanted to smoke I actually thought about why. My response was brutally honest "I am tired of having to think about things, I want to opt out." Why though? I am building strength in who I am, I am following a path that for once doesn’t have the risk of death along the way and I am getting even closer to my family. It just doesn’t make any sense. When do we decide along the way that happiness is such a terrifying thing? The point is I don’t think we do, consciously. Have you ever sat and listened to the way your mind abuses you on any given day? It's alarming and scary. Never mind the opinion of the rest of the world, we beat them hands down. We're not running away from them, we're running away from us! What has happened to the beautiful people we were intended to be?

On a day like this, my resistance from drugs came from rereading 1John. I read over and over this beautiful letter and let the truth of his words enter my mind. 1John 2:21: "I do not write to you because you do not know the truth, but because you do know it and no lie comes from the truth." This for me confirms that little inkling that we all have about God and the existence of Jesus in our world. He is true and through Him is the right way to live our lives, drug and addiction free. We all search for the truth of who we are and why we are here, or we choose to run from it. But knowing that there is truth and that it is available and it is good, that’s what keeps me focused. That’s what's helping beat my addiction. I hope it can help you too. You don't have to fight anymore, just walk in the truth and know you will find freedom.

Love Always.x