"Therefore do not fear them. For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known." (Matthew 10:26)
I've had mixed feelings all last night and today. I couldn’t make any sense of the extreme worrying and paranoia that was engulfing my brain from the moment I stopped writing till just over an hour ago. In the company of my closest friends this evening, over a birthday meal they had lovingly prepared for me, I experienced a huge episode of paranoia. This time it was triggered after my friends aunty had been talking to me in the living room and then left to talk to the girls in the kitchen. I would just like to add that these two girls are the wonderful friends I wrote about before, who are nothing less than amazing with me every day. They had already presented me with thoughtful and perfect gifts and we had been laughing and chatting all evening. When her aunty left after speaking to me, I spent the next 15 minutes, frozen in silence assessing whether it was because she didn’t like me. My head then became crammed with ideas of conversations they were having about not liking me in the kitchen. It completely paralysed me and I became absorbed in my usual patterns of self hatred and negativity. It was only when her aunty left and the girls asked if anything was wrong as I was quiet, that I chose to confess what had been happening in my head. Both of my friends were shocked that I had even thought that and assured me this was absolutely not true. I looked at their faces and truth beamed off of them and there in that spot, the devil and spirit of rejection was slayed.
My mind is vicious. The demon of darkness is never far away and all day I had been dealing with the fear of my own existence. I had started questioning whether my path with God was the right one, whether maybe I actually wanted to wear designer clothes and work in a high powered job in London instead. I started thinking about how people might think I 'm strange for the choices I am now making and the statements I am now writing and discussing. I worried that I was further distancing myself from the world I live in and this would only make me more unhappy. This is called the fear of the unknown and this spirit and I have been together all day. The spirit of rejection was a close second and was further aggravated when the friend who had rejected me last week, text me pretending nothing had happened. I am secretly convinced that the devil is treating her as a puppet to achieve his desires, as wherever there is happiness, she seems to swoop and destroy.
It is only now I have got home and have slayed the fear of rejection with the aid of my best friends, that I have been able to speak to the Lord and be aware of Him with me. As the seed of rejection attempted to fill my mind as I undressed, I loudly said "There is no space for you here, the Lord is present," and with that, the final puffs of black evil smoke, disappeared. In its space my revelation has come: As with the spirit school day (Ian Clayton), after a period of time in the glory of God, the devil will descend. Too much time in the presence of God scares the dark side, so they came to attack me and they almost won. These thoughts are powerful beyond measure and when I am in the midst of them, I honestly still struggle to find a way out. In one day I had gone from mesmerized bride to the zombie monster of paranoia city. I was being greeted from both sides of the fence, but like a moth to a flame, I go to the thing that I am used to and need the most, even though it is destroying me.
My ability to open up and tell my friends what was going on in my head marked a turning point for me. It was my opportunity to confront the fear head on and it worked. Patience is the name of this game, and I am realising that I am fighting a battle for my soul every day. The darkness has an echo, a knowing, an unusual comfort to it that I have clung to for too many years of my life. I may be blinded by the light, but every day a little more of truth and beauty is revealed. If this is my training, then I am proud to say I have passed another day. Bring it on darkness, you better be prepared to fight because I am not giving up. The road may be paved with hurt, pain and testing of every part of my mind and character, but the girl who goes in will not be the same girl that emerges. It will be the real me and you can't touch me then!
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