“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)
That sneaky devil!! That sneaky, naughty, tempting devil! How does he do it? I'll tell you how, he uses my weak spots to plant his seed and there it sits and grows. In case this is all sounding a bit weird to you, I will be honest and tell you that the last few nights (since suicidal day), I have been smoking a spliff before I go to bed. Initially it was because I needed a crux and did not want to return to vodka which would ultimately lead to a drink and drugs binge. As much as I may crave that release at times, I was not going to throw this entire new me, out of the window. So, I retrieved my emergency weed (cannabis) stash and smoked my way into calmness.
I know that there will be many people who think I am not honouring my faith by choosing to smoke, but this is me. I have come so far in my quest to turn my life around, that a couple of puffs on a spliff doesn’t really concern me and although I know God doesn’t agree with it, he does love me and there are times when I will succumb to the vices of my past. I just have to be honest and open about why I did it. Obviously, the reason I did it last week was because I had the worst depressive day yet and did not know how to deal with the pain aside from removing myself from the world. I would never do that, so I smoked a spliff. That’s it. Judge me if you wish, but I have made peace with my choice. I am still learning and still growing and I have accepted that.
The issue for me was not that I initially smoked it. I needed instant peace and relaxation and as usual it delivered it. What I did not need to do was divide that small amount of weed into enough to keep me smoking every night since. That, is where I went wrong. The telling sign of addiction is doing whatever it is you are addicted to, even though you wish you weren't. When it is no longer a pleasure so much as a really annoying habit that you cant resist doing. As I lay in bed last night, I was puffing away and munching on my sweets/cakes/chocolate when I started laughing...Not because I was stoned, although this is also common. No, I was laughing at the irony of the situation. Out loud in bed, I started saying, "You sneaky Devil! You really are unbelievable. When I am in this state you know slimming world is out the window, you know I'll throw myself down in front of American reality shows and I won't be able to do anything of any use!" I found this seriously funny but also really insightful.
The devil has been leaving me alone in the days in the last week, my torturous mind has been somewhat subdued and now I understand why. It was saving up all its ammunition to get me in the evenings. This was where I thought I had power over my addiction but it shows I still really don't. That crux has now become a gateway for bad habits and bad thoughts to enter and they do so with lightening speed. I am no longer Miss stoned funny bunny, I am paranoid peter who can't stop eating. It is insane that every day after great times being close with God, that I still run to the devil. I am basically having an affair, flitting between light and dark unsure of where to set my base.
My attachment to pain and anything which destroys me is bigger than I initially thought. I am positively attracted to the dark side and this has been a recurrent theme throughout my life. But I really thought I had nailed it this time. I really thought I had climbed out of addiction central and walked into glory. That is the thing with the devil, one bad day of suicidal thoughts opened the gateways to bad actions. He has still this power over me and as we have had so many moments together in the past, I guess he's finding it hard to believe I really don’t want to be there any more. I have had enough of living in the darkness and replacing one bad habit with another. I can still feel his fiery grip is clenched around my heart and he knows when I start smoking weed, I return as if I've never left.
I need to face the battles head on, but some days I know the weed issue will creep back up again. Some people agree with it, as it is natural and does have proven healing qualities. I can also categorically say that is has helped me many times when I have been unable to cope with what life and my mind throws at me. But beware of things you do that trap you in a cycle. It could be anything from extreme cleaning to obsessive hoarding etc, whatever takes you away temporarily from your reality. In small doses these are sometimes okay, but to be doing them when they undo the work that the real you is trying to maintain, that’s when its a problem. That’s where the devil steps in and takes control. Turning your back on the people and promises that are so essential for your growth.
My battle is never done, it is ongoing and I appreciate that patience is absolutely necessary when dealing with any big change. Sometimes we have to really look at the patterns we've developed and assess whether they are helping or hindering our growth. That could be spiritually or emotionally, you'll know which for you. It would be so easy for me to return to that lifestyle, smoking weed daily, working too much and partying till my body gives in. I have lived that life for so long, that it would never be difficult for me to be that girl again. But I look back at the life I was living and the person I was becoming and I know for sure that the real me is the one walking this path and I don't want to let her down. This is about no one else but my family, me and God and that’s why ultimately I choose to carry on, because I know that regardless of the many escape routes available to me, no destination will be as glorious as the one I'm heading to now. I am stronger than my addiction, I do not walk alone.
Love Always.x
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