"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (I Peter 5:6-7)
I am suicidal today. I swore honesty, so here it is. Being alive is torturous, I am consumed with pain and fear and when my faith should be strong and unmoving, it isn't. It doesn't appear to be anywhere. If this is the devil's work then he is so close to winning, I can almost smell the fire of his hot house burning.
Whilst I am proud of the fact that I have turned my back on my previous forms of escapism, I now feel I hang in limbo. I am neither best friends with God or the Devil, I am just a mess somewhere in between and I do not like it. All I want to do is down a bottle of vodka, get my dealer on speed dial and inebriate myself against the disturbing flow of evil thoughts in my mind. I am unbearable to be around. I would like to relinquish control of myself and give someone else the power of my every action and thought process. I would now like to be a spectator of my ordinary life as I was with my sedated life. The real thing is not providing me the hope and promises that I had once imagined.
I am not actually going to do anything to remove myself from this world, I love my family too much to put them through it again. When younger I tried this escape route but failed.....fortunately. I know how selfish people think suicide is. I know how lucky I am just to be alive, but you can not possibly judge or begin to understand what it takes for someone to be in a situation where that seems the only way out. I know in my attempt before, I thought I was helping my family, preventing them from having me as their miserable burden and in my mind I thought it would genuinely be a blessing to them. I am now older and wiser and know that death in any form, is never easy to handle and if you can be alive, then that must always be the option, no matter how hard that can be. For me at the moment, it is incredibly difficult.
I know I am very ill at the moment, my depression has reached a new low today and I would have phoned my crisis team (a team of mental health professionals), but instead spent time with my family which helped the mood to lift temporarily. I am terrified of my thoughts, I listen to them and try to argue back to the negativity, but it is the well developed mind of a depressed woman and it knows no bounds. I am trapped behind a wall and I shudder at the prospect of one more day spent living this horrific nightmare. Why is this happening?
I wonder if the big transition from 100% party animal and work devotee, to calm, faith holding and sober human has been too much for my mind to take. Just removing the abusive behaviour does not remove the abusive thought patterns and that makes it hard for me to stay focused on the road ahead. I am sorry that today’s blog could not offer inspiration or hope, but know that I will carry on fighting this. I may feel far from God at the moment, but I also know that He is the one reason I am not sat here with a bottle of Vodka and drowning my pain. He is still there, even though I don't want to be.
Love Always.x
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