Am I Ready For Work?

“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matthew 6:34)

Today I felt ready to take on the mammoth task of assessing when I would be ready to return to work and normal life. I have spent the last two hours trawling through mental health sites and articles in an attempt to gain some clarity on exactly what it is I should  be doing to get me prepared to face reality again. As it goes, I am further from being ready than I thought. Thank you brain, your nothing if not defeatist.

I know the process of recovery from the mother of all breakdowns is going to be slow, but I am not a patient person. Being good to myself is not a statement I liken myself to and neither is it one I have practised very often. I want to be ready now. I want to never have to experience the crushing and disturbing visions of my mind, ever again. If I could, I would get dressed tomorrow and return to work and attempt to carry on as though nothing has ever happened. But that is not my life. That is not my current reality and in order for me to get better, I have to start heeding the advice of not just my friends and family, but every single website designed for the mentally broken, like me. That advice is to slow down, to take baby steps and to recognise that maybe I won't ever be that same girl again. Maybe the ten hour work days and the 48 hour parties are not the life I will be returning to, but that's okay. That's part of the reason I got down here with the devil anyway.

The idea of putting a care plan together, of finally registering myself with a disability and learning the right way to manage my symptoms is not only baffling, it also scares me. I am just a young woman, why do I have to set these boundaries and labels to define me into this box? I know, I know, it is so I can live a relatively normal life, but it is exhausting. Even reading about my next steps is stressing me out, so actually doing them is surely going to produce an adverse effect. I have been bounded by lists and ideals since I first started understanding that they existed. I am now a by product of my own patterns and habits. Not exactly the desired effect I was looking for.

When I think of Jesus, I know that He was set apart, as are all who choose to accept Him in their heart and life. Strangely enough, there are many websites for this area as well, although none seem so daunting. The message quite simply is: admit your sins, accept me in your heart and I am there! What? No care plan, no ridiculously long analysis of my past and my future ideals? Nope, just accepting and knowing that He's there and off we go. It really is that simple. You can complicate it if you want, but its pointless, I've tried. Big shiny simple message right there for you to take and doesn’t it deliver!

I am frustrated with my disorder because it has latched itself onto the shadow of the girl I already was and is now the pink elephant in the room with me at all times. I know its there, I know it won't be ignored, but it just doesn’t fit in with how I see myself anymore. I want it to go up in a puff of brightly coloured smoke and leave me here, ready and able to face my destiny. But, I am not in the land of plain sailing yet. Whether I choose to ignore it or not, I am dosed up everyday on strong medication and I have to be accountable to mental health professionals and my employer. I have to find strength from somewhere to be able to do the things that need to be done.

I am not going to spend any more time looking at the mental health advice today, I feel a much bigger urge to find out about the next miraculous wonders my wonderful Lord fulfilled in the remaining parts of Johns Gospel. I might not be ready to look in the face of the elephant but it doesn’t matter, because the eyes I now choose to stare into, renew me every day. Maybe together we can tackle this head on, because it isn’t me is it? Its just my mind and it wont let go of the pain it holds. In the spirit I stand free of all the labels put on me and those put on myself. So tonight, that’s where I’ll be, dancing away with the King of my heart in places of heavenly glory.......

Love Always.x