“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV)
I'm such an angry person. I still surprised with the hate I have for myself at any given moment. Why won't this black cloud lift? Why am I so frustrated with myself? What have I got to prove?
This journey with God has so far not been a great success. I am not exactly lapping up the glory, what I am actually doing is wallowing in a pit of intense depression. I've never been very good at sticking with anything and at times, I really have been tempted to throw in this new way of life, the following of faith and removal of drug and alcohol dependency. Its in the cold hard light of sobriety and full blow depression that I am being forced to take a long hard look at myself and I'm finding it difficult. In fact, I don't like who I am very much. I see a disgusting mess, a tortured mind and a track record of going off the rails and never committing to anything for longer than its initial high. I know that this is linked to being Bipolar, but behind that label, is the real me. Somewhere in there, I have hidden myself so well, that the greatest discoverer in the world would have trouble locating my whereabouts.
I do not mean to seem discouraging. For the first time in my life I am looking honestly at my past and my present, so that I can take steps to enjoy my future. The best choice I have made is to do it with God. I have already declared my sins and asked Jesus into my heart. I did it again last night, as felt that choosing salvation and still smoking cannabis wasn’t being completely honest and fair. So last night, eyes closed, palms open, I asked again for forgiveness and said that although I often run towards pain and sedation, I wanted this walk to continue. Because I do. Because even though I can't bring myself to sit down and read the Bible properly yet, I am reading other books and more importantly am having more conversations with the Lord than ever before. I like this, I want to make sure I don't turn my back on Him. Although I'm pretty sure he'll continue to forgive the mistakes I make, I want those to stop ruling my life. Goodbye addiction, now all I need to do is take off the disorder mask and I will be pure again. That challenge however, is not as easy.
During these dark days, I remember what many of the books I am reading say about our times of trouble. Many say this is often the best time to be close to God. That we can realise our greatest messages. But, my mind is crueller than that. My mind tells me I am the only one telling messages and that anyone else is an imposter. But the thing is, I am also taking a back seat in that thought process. That is something otherworldly speaking to me too. It feels like I'm trapped behind a thick pane of glass, and out there the evil of my mind reigns supreme over my thoughts and actions. I just get to watch in horror as I beat myself up again and again.
A lot of non believers would probably say that if God loved me so much then why doesn’t he rescue me, but even in my limited Bible read mind, I already know that answer. It is my choice. He can not make me believe in Him, he cannot just give me love without me understanding that I need to be the one who gives it to myself. When I come through this dark tunnel, I will feel Gods love and that will be my reward. But it will not be him who gets me there, it will be my memory remembering that I am already loved by Him. I am worthy and I can go on.
Unlike other times when I have been down in this dark place, I believe I will get through this. The hope is faint, but it is there. It is there because I believe that my Faith will get me through this. We are not always strong enough on our own to go and face the battle, especially when its a personal one. We must remember to carry the cure in our hearts at all times. Like I am sat behind the pane of glass waiting to be freed, He too waits with me. Together, we can get through anything.
Love Always.x
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