"The suffering you sent was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your principles." (Psalm 119:71, NLT)
My perfect planned weekend consisted of my car breaking down on the way to the hotel, which then caused me to scream not only at my boyfriend (who had 10 minutes earlier presented me with a beautiful princess cut diamond eternity ring) but also at my parents over the phone. I screamed and shouted at how it was my dads fault for getting me a rubbish car, how my life is rubbish and nothing ever goes right. That vicious serpent of anger spat evil at all those I love and all I could think about was how unfair this was to me. I was the victim and I reminded everyone, including the emergency vehicle response man, that this was the worst day of my life. Clearly, this did not help, as we were then towed all the way back home. I was livid. I was evil. I, was me and it wasn’t a pretty picture.
My mum took me to get a hire car and as she tried to calm me down, I spat abuse at her and advised her nothing in my life was positive. I was acting like a spoilt brat and as for faith, there was none. I accused God of not being there for me when I needed him. I had plans and I had shown Him I was maturing so why was He letting this happen? The fury continued when the hotel was not as grand as the adverts promised, the food was terrible and we had to rush to get home so we could go out for my early birthday dinner. The reason the dinner was also this weekend, rather than next weekend as most of my friends and I would have preferred, was because the friend who had suggested the meal, had insisted she couldn’t do the next weekend. This friend, who I have partied with for many years and been a shoulder to cry on more times than I care to remember, did not show up. No, she chose to get high and drunk instead and only got found out as my boyfriends brother gave his mate a lift who happened to be partying with her. She did not apologise, she did not text or call and she still hasn’t. So, all in all, this weekend has been horrendous. A complete failure. I played the victim position better than Julia Roberts in 'sleeping with the enemy'. Not my proudest moment.
Today I spent time with God. I knew I needed to face up to the anger that I had allowed to completely overtake me. It has not been pretty. I have been reading my books about faith and have realised that what God wanted this weekend was to reveal what was in my heart......suffice to say, it was not good. I can sing the I am faithful song all I want, but if I can so easily morph into the evil serpent that I did over the last two days, then I am nowhere near ready for Him to trust me with greater glory. I have failed miserably. I was so busy praising my efforts on overcoming the hurdles that directly faced me (drink and drugs), that I was blinded to the other areas that also need serious work.
The biggest lesson I have learnt this weekend is that choosing to accept Jesus in my heart and to follow this, is no easy road. You have to be stripped bare. Your previous habits, emotions and reactions will be thrown out there for you to really take a look at. Mine as I said, was not a pretty sight. I did not realise how selfish I can be when things do not go exactly as I planned. I was so involved with my own emotions, that I did not care about the people I loved who were trying to help me. God, wanted to see me believe in Him, to be truly faithful as I promised, but I was too mad to give Him the time of day. My fleshy self, thought only of my own battle and I thought no more of Jesus my friend, He was shut out like everyone else, so I could indulge in my misery.
Whilst reading my book today and reflecting on others I have read in the past few months, none of them claim that the walk of faith is easy. In fact, unlike most other paths you can take in life where they are basically shouting from the rooftops, that true happiness is merely a footstep away, the walk of faith is much less glorified. Anything I read seems to say that although the glory is great, to get it you are going to have to make sacrifices. You are going to have to change and that isn't always easy. I can vouch for that, this is no journey of smooth land and calm seas. This is rocky and threatens to break down everything you have ever known. But guess what, that's the whole point. We are not supposed to experience glory in the man made world, where everything is dependant on immediate gratification, usually personal and often exterior. We are meant to be stripped bare, so that true heavenly glory can shine out from us and into the scary world we inhabit. This is not the road of ease and worldly sensory delights, this is the walk of truth and it is hard and it will challenge you.
This weekend I have seen how easy it is to switch back to worldly mode, where we are ruled by time and ego, but that is not what I signed up for. I want to be broken down and rebuilt into a woman of God. I want to rise above my earthly reactions and desires, to experience the full glory that we are all capable of showing. Its hard, because we are so well trained to expect everything to be perfect and we live in a culture that supports that. Reflecting back, I thought that the past two days, God had forgotten about me, but actually I chose not to have faith in Him. It is always a choice. I wanted immediate results, but then where would the lesson be, that’s not life. We have to face these trials and tribulations, we have to wake up to what it is about ourselves we know we need to change. The destination I work towards is no longer the one I thought, it is much much better, but I know that this journey will make me and break me, till I become the glory I want to see in the world.
Love Always.xxx
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