Good Friends

"Some friendships do not last, but some friends are more loyal than brothers." (Proverbs 18:24)

 I had two of my closest friends over for dinner tonight and it was so lovely to spend quality time with these beautiful women. I've had a lot of 'friends' over the years, always desperate to have as many as possible, to make me feel like I'm a worthy person. Essentially, I wanted to know that I was liked and friendships with many people, validated that desire.

Now that I have chosen a different path for my life to follow, I will undoubtedly lose some friends along the way. Being in a drug induced world, you often find that many friends who you were once inseparable from, slowly begin to disappear. Its not that you never made a connection, in fact, it is very likely that your relationship with other people would have been extremely intense and what would usually take years to discover, you learn over a period of several weekends. Drugs means no inhibitions, you chat about your deepest desires and fears as normal as if you were talking about what was on TV. Its strange but within that world, its amazing. You are all connected, its a private land where nothing can hurt you. At least till the effects wear off.

I used to and still sometimes do, get upset when I think of the many people I have grown close to and apart from over the years. Its never easy letting go, especially when it is you that is doing it. I realise that maybe there are some people I will never really spend much time with again, that our lives without the partying don't really have that much in common. At the time, you feel like you've met your soul mate in every new person that enters the party, but in the cold light of day, that specialness somehow wears off. It's hard not to take it personally when people you once shared a sofa with for a whole weekend, just never seem to be available. But that is life, we do move on, we do grow out of old habits and with that, loss often occurs.

I look at my close friends now and as with the girls tonight, although we have had a couple of those mad nights together, we now have something more. I no longer hide behind the happy/drunk/high mask to make sure I'm liked. I'm just me, warts and all and that seems to be enough. They told me tonight I looked better than I had in ages and you know what, I felt it too. I could talk openly with them with no aid, of the pain I had been experiencing but how having faith in God was making me a better person. They didn't judge me, they didn't pretend to be interested to boost my ego. They just accepted me. The real me. That’s what real friendship is about. I may no longer be the girl throwing drugs in their face and knocking back the vodka, but I was the girl who laughed openly and honestly and wasn’t scared to do so.

Sometimes, we have to accept that making new choices will mean letting go of certain things and people, even when we think we can't. Believe me, this is better than any night spent sedating myself from the world. Thank you Lord, for opening my eyes and in doing so freeing me from my disguise.

Love Always.x