"Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth." (Mark 9:23)
I do not understand the way my mind works. Neither do I understand the things connected to it, such as emotions, actions and abilities to control desires and demons. I am stuck in an almost limbo like state, neither partying nor worshipping, just existing. I have chosen to ignore slimming world, I have chosen to play computer games and on occasion I smoke cannabis. The dark walls that came crashing down are slowly building back up around me again and at times I feel powerless to the speed at which they are erected. I am beginning to feel cocooned in the warmth of familiarity again.
The darkness is never initially dark. As with my understanding of Lucifer, beauty is the first recognition, familiarity, acceptance and ease in the life you live. That blanket envelops you, caresses you into a false sense of security and allows any real chance of life and growth to be extinguished like a candles flame. When the blanket is wrapped around you so tight, the boa constrictor strength of the patterns you now have in your life widens your eyes to make you see that what once appeared so wonderful (the devil), is nothing more than an optical illusion. The demons have entered and like a puppet in Satan's show, you continue on, absorbed in mindless activity. This is the part that I am entering again, this is a familiar scene, this is my frequent stopping place. Being aware of it, knowing what is coming if I continue to neglect myself and the time I could be having with the Lord, will still not stop this speed demon from separating myself from the glory. Even though I know it, I often feel powerless to its effects. I like what the devil offers, I love anything which creates a numbing of the mind, a sedating of the soul and self punishment rituals. These are where I truly shine, no wonder the devil won’t leave me alone, I could just as easily be his bride.
Although I know that the process of growth and discovery is important on my journey with God, it does not make my impatient mind any more accepting of a long drawn out learning period. I do not think I am alone when I say that many of us would like to skip the study and move to the place of bliss and happiness. It's easier, it's immediate results and immediate access to knowledge and understanding. I am at the bottom rung of this ladder and its a long way up, a really long way. Whilst I look forward to the days I spend with the Lord, the impatient woman in me screams for speed so that I can live daily in the exciting world of heavenly glory on earth. I want flashing lights and dancing spirits every day, I want closeness like I have in my visions as much as possible.
The issue I have is although I want a relationship with God, I am also mourning my past relationship with the Devil. People will always say it is better to be free of the negative patterns of the past, especially the spirits of suicide and self harm. I agree, without the dark forces I can walk in the light and that sounds exhilarating. But it also doesn’t sound like me. Maybe that’s the issue, I cant truly see my life being free from pain and punishment. The light as I have said before, blinds me, even my own. I am used to being this girl, the troubled crazy girl. Calm and serene are not two words I think I have ever really heard to describe my personality. But my personality is a learnt behaviour model, it is developed over the years from the actions I make and how much of the world I absorb from around me. The one I was born with, is the one I am trying to achieve now and I can't remember it.
I guess in the end I have to be honest and look at the things I do and question why it is I still choose to partake in actions and thoughts that hinder my growth process. Why, when glory is available, do I still choose to hide behind the darkness? Change, in any direction is a challenging period and with it parts of who we thought we were are left behind. The comfort blanket starts to slip and we are naked, new born and awaiting direction on the best path to follow. I realise that guidance from others is a huge help, in fact it is often paramount in order to allow us to ensure we are staying on the right course for true development. But, ultimately, the books, the websites, the people and the experiences are no competition to the you behind it all. Eventually that person (the real you), will do whatever it is they want to and like me, that person sometimes needs the silence of the life we are living to make what could be the most life changing decision they'll ever make. I just have to allow myself the time to think, to focus and to renew. Tomorrow is a new day.
Love Always.x
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