Devils Playground

"Those along the road are those who hear, then the Devil comes, and takes away the word from their heart, that they may not believe and be saved." (Luke 8:12)

I was unsure whether to write tonight. I feel too tired to be honest, but I believe that God has placed a promise in my heart to heal through my words so I do not want to ignore this feeling. I think the healing is both for me and for anyone else who finds solace in my words and that is enough of a positive for me to continue on, no matter how tired and angry I feel.

I am struggling again in this wilderness I am in, I can't believe how angry I get with myself for the smallest things. I have chosen not to view myself in the mirror today, the pure hatred for my image knows no bounds, so I have attempted to bypass any further opportunities to put myself down. In moments like these, I find it difficult to turn to God and I am learning that these are the most important times to do just that. I could not think or talk to Him for most of today, it's like I get a darkened veil in my mind which keeps Him out. Although I am aware of His love in the background, my mind chooses to ignore it. This is the devil at work at work in me again.

The Devil and I have been much closer companions than I realised. In fact, we were so close that I think I was living a life similar to that of someone in a trance. My actions, thoughts and feelings were those that we had developed together and I imagine I would have been a likely candidate for a new Queen of The Damned. I have actually had a vision like this, where I was standing in my living room and I had a Queen of the Damned (vampire film) outfit on, only it was in white rather than dark colours. My body felt overcome by a force, but it was a good one and I was able to sway, feeling deep tidal movements rushing over my skin. I am unsure of the meaning of this, but I did enjoy the visuals and the sensation.

The Devil has manifested works in me, bitterness, anger and drug abuse among many others. I just got used to living that life and I know it got used to me. I remember saying to my boyfriend shortly before I was saved, that I felt that I was at a crucial point in my life, where both good and bad forces were attempting to overcome me. I was plagued by bad nightmares and vivid disturbing day dreams and like a hypnotists patient I felt the lull of the darkness welcoming me in. There is power in darkness, greater than I think most people know and many are unaware that they have been caught up in the struggle between light and dark. I think I have made a lucky escape, but the Devil does not seem ready to let go of me yet. I have been a dedicated worshipper in His eyes. I have destroyed myself over and over and no doubt would have continued to revel in the darkness. But, where this is darkness there has always been a shining light, one that I felt and came to often. The Lord never left me and it was to him I unknowingly retreated. I felt the power struggle within me, the spirit in me wanting the light but the mind in me, craving the dark. They really do exist light and dark, heaven and hell. They play out in the world we see but also in the one we don't and that’s where the source of its power is, in eternity. Time is irrelevant, it is merely a figment of our physical manifestation and minds, but what we do with it, as we so often forget, may determine our eternal existence. I know which side I want to be on.

The Devil makes us think we are claiming individuality, that by punishing ourselves and others for not fitting into a particular mould, that we or they are wrong. Still, one of the hardest things I am learning to accept is that by being saved and having the Lord in my heart, I must learn to abide by Gods word and use that to live my life. This screams at me of taking away my identity and terrifies me. But Why? Who am I now, other than a by product of the society I grow up in and learned ways from other people who are often as messed up as I am? We strive all of our lives to fit in or stand out as better than others, only to end up hating who we are. That job, house, lifestyle is not who we are, its an outside game than we desperately want to be in. So when I worry about learning Gods words as my own, I reflect on the real me that cries behind my current situation and realise that it is never what is out there in the devils playground that defines me. If it was then we would all be happy. Gods word is about loving others and seeing beyond the limitations of our current reality and helping others to see their inherent goodness. In that world, the Devil doesn’t stand a chance. But we.......do.

Love Always.x