Go Away Guilt!

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7)

Guilt is such a hard emotion to shift. In fact, it sticks so hard that in the end you begin to think it is normal to live within its walls. The endless mind chatter that keeps telling you that what your doing isn’t enough, you should be doing something else, something more useful. It has been unbearable today.

Today I focused on reading 1John as advised in my Bible study guide and I have also been reading a wonderful book by Cathy Lechner about the Lord and His actions. When I had tried to read 1John a couple of weeks ago, I just couldn't understand the language or its relevance to my life but the last two days have been different. My mind has been opened and I read it with new eyes and was able to focus on the sheer power of the words. It is an amazing letter for new/non believers, as once your mind is opened, it can really provide answers to some shaky questions and doubts about who Jesus is and why we want to love Him so much.

In amongst this time with the Word, my darkened mind was not enjoying the experience. This hope and love clearly wasn’t sitting comfortably at all, so the guilt started firing: "You should be exercising you fat cow, you should be cleaning/planning/thinking of work etc," and on and on for several hours. In the mean time I just tried to keep returning to the Bible or my book and pressing on with my study. But to no avail, Bible study is new, self criticism is not and it reigns supreme in my mind. In the end I closed the book and just sat and listened to it. I took a back seat to my thoughts and watched them race around creating situations and emotions to make me feel out of control and to get me away from being closer to the Lord.

Eventually, I stood up and I spoke to God as speaking to myself was not working. I did not ask for help, I just talked through the crazy list of expectations my mind was putting on me. I talked about the issues my mind wanted me to deal with: my weight, my image, my home, my relationship and my career and I felt Him ask me how I actually felt about these areas. I confessed that although they were not exactly as I wanted them, they were not out of control but I felt anxious as I had no set routine. I was gently reminded that I have forever been writing lists and planning how to control and run my life and yet never really following through on them. In fact I was so busy writing lists and planning that I never really got anything done and therefore continued to feel like a failure. Which I guess would explain why I then ran to drugs and alcohol to forget the burdens I chained myself with.

Talking to God helped me understand that things will flow and change and as I grow in faith I will no longer feel the need to control them. My dark mind doesn’t want me to realise this, what will it do if I find strength from outside its walls? It will be forced into submission. I questioned God about what I would do if I did not write lists and the answer was overwhelming but crystal clear: I would turn to the Lord and in Him I would have all the answers I need. That there is nothing of this world that can be too much for Him to overcome for he is not of this world. Wow. I finally understand the trappings of my guilt ridden mind.

These changes I am making and this awareness I am receiving is still such a surprise to me. The Lord does not compete for my attention, the other party of anger, guilt and essentially sin has a much more hardened campaign. It is never easy to step outside of those walls, but I am telling you, once you taste freedom, you do not want to return. As I always say, I am under no illusion that I will not continue to be plagued by the disease of my worldly mind, but each day I grow in faith, I also grow in hope. There is something more to life than the games we play and the cruel and often ridiculous expectations we place on ourselves. But this comes quietly and requires patience and certainly a willingness to open our hearts more than we think possible. Do not fight the thoughts you have, after all that would only make you the same as the enemy. It is peace that comes with finding God, as it did with me in my kitchen today. I did not write those lists or sit and beat myself up any longer. I sat down and continued to study Gods word and I realise that I am closer than I think to that Realm of Heavenly Glory.

Love Always.x