I see myself not as a blank canvas, but as one that is buckling under its weight of many disguises. God has a lot of work to get me looking even remotely like myself, never mind Him. But I am beginning to understand that He already knows that I wasn't saved because I am a perfect saint, its because I reached the bottom and was desperate for help. That doesn’t make me any more or less worthy than any other person. Neither does it make you. We are all equal, our final destination is the same. The journey however, is completely different.
I felt the good old records of the past enter my mind this morning, they go a little something like this: "You don't need to read about God today, don't worry its just one day. This is taking up too much time anyway, it's probably not going to make any real lasting difference, just admit to yourself you've been swept away by ideas again. You will never change." That is my mind, that is the wonderful voice that I have to battle with on a daily basis and it almost won. I did not want to read today, I did not want to watch GodTV. All I wanted to do was lay down on the sofa and watch American reality based TV shows so that I could pretend I lived somewhere warm, with a beautiful mansion, a perfect body and be supremely happy every day.
It turns out, once you let the Lord in you can not opt out. This initially surprised me, the silent spurring on that at the very least, I could read more of my spiritual growth with God book. So I did and at first, I resented reading every page. It just wasn’t sinking in, it felt like a blockage had been put somewhere within me and no matter how hard I tried, nothing was having an effect. This would usually be the point at which I would give up but I pressed on aware that these are the days when I would most need to ensure faith was strong. About an hour into reading, I began to relax and absorb the words. I let the ideas of God's work and quotes from the Bible begin to speak to me. The transformation surprised me. I was learning, opening my heart and welcoming in the glory.
There are always going to be hurdles, escapism from life is such an easy road to take and it is one we are all accustomed to. But to grow in anything we must persevere and we must sometimes choose the road that looks the rockiest. I know that God is shaping me for great things, He's removing the bad qualities and traits I have learned and replacing them with jewels from his Kingdom. That’s why, even on days when I do not feel I have anything to write, I do it. I do it because I believe that God wants me to share my journey with others and in doing this, maybe it can help save one more person who has been living in their own personal hell. No, this is not the easy road, yes it would often be nicer to sit down and switch off from life in front of our TVs. But I have been doing that for many years and it still hasn’t led me to that elusive dream of happiness.
God saved me when I needed Him the most, even though I wasn’t aware of it. I received mercy from Him that I doubt very much I deserved. But He has a different destiny for me and in total honesty, I'm more excited about my future than I can ever remember being. I'll take the rough with the smooth, knowing that the beautiful image of my Lord will not only live within me, but will shine out. Isn’t that a beautiful destiny for us all?
Love Always.x
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