My Year

 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair

(2 Corinthians 4:8)

Just over a year ago today I started on a journey that would forever change the way I viewed and lived my life. As I sit here reflecting on the last twelve months and looking forward to the coming year, I am amazed by how much really has changed, already at this early and crucial stage of my development. I came to God last year a broken vessel, the world and my vicious perception of it had terrified me into self sabotaging behaviour and I no longer recognised myself in the mirror. I had been living in such darkness that I was convinced that only death itself could end the pain and confusion I was suffering with. Life hurt and it wasn’t enjoyable, even bearable at most times. I self medicated on a concoction of illegal substances and the only spiritual thing I did was pray for my families health and protection before I closed my eyes at night. To put it bluntly, I was surviving, not living and it had become such second nature to me that I almost stopped questioning if there was any other way to live.

A year down the line a lot of lessons have been learnt, a lot of habits broken but also a lot of areas seemingly made worse. My cocaine addiction has come back to haunt me twice, both times severe and scarier than the last. I am still reliant on cannabis to get me through the day and the darkness of my recovery has almost blinded me on many occasions. I have wept, hidden, attacked and broken down over the past twelve months, sometimes with life threatening results. I have become more aware of my pain, my acute isolation and separateness from the world and have learnt that inside of me a lot of bad has built up and the habits I use to deal with these are barely appropriate. So in some ways I could look at the last twelve months as the year that broke me, the year that woke me up to my life with a crashing realisation that I didn’t price it highly enough. I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep, nursing a comedown or a frequent attack on my own mind by my own mind. I feel  like a wounded soldier walking home, wondering how long I can continue with my injuries and if that light I see will ever get closer. In simple terms, I have had a rough time of it.

But and this is a big but, there is also another side to the last year that has both surprised and soothed me. In the last year I found God, a saviour and a friend who I undoubtedly believe rescued me at just the right time from a ticking time bomb of an existence. He reached in and shone the light on all areas of my life so as if for the first time, I could really see the life I had been living and would continue to live if I did not get help. He watched me cry as I came to terms with the thoughts I had of myself, but he also wiped the tears. He held my hand on the days when life seemed too much for me to cope with and he left me with lessons that he not only imprinted on my mind, but etched on my heart as well. Without the Lord last year would have been the same as the many before it. A roller-coaster ride of emotions, up and down and round and back again to restart the journey that was slowly but surely destroying me. I had wanted to get off the ride a long time ago, I just didn’t know how.

In the last year I have been clean off of cocaine for nearly 10 months, an achievement that I don't take lightly. Its been hard, in fact its been bloody horrendous, but it has been and I am still here to tell the tale. Yes currently I am back to fighting my addiction again, but this time I have reached out to the support groups available to me and I am no longer mindlessly filling my time, I realise why I use and how much I actually want it to stop. I have also learnt the power of the inner dialogue, the conversation with myself that is always running on empty, always shouting, insulting, deceiving. I have learnt to reign it in, but more than that I have learnt that it can be replaced with a better, more loving voice, mine. I have learnt that inside of all this front of happiness, pain and fear, that I am good, that I am worthy and that I am loved, despite all  my apparent shortcomings. I have learnt love in a way which has completely changed my perception of the entire world within and around me.

Somewhere along the way I decided that this was a fight for my life and I meant it. What is life but the thoughts we think and the actions we then play out in this world. I am one of the worlds people, one of Christ’s sisters, Gods daughter, a human. I have faults, I have pain but I also have strength and courage and compassion and love. I have found that in God my good qualities are unpacked and delivered to me guilt free with a freeing acceptance that is difficult to put into words. Above all I have learnt that I am me and that’s ok, whatever state I may be in. The battleground I walk across from my last year is scattered with ditches, broken promises, empty thoughts, desolate feelings but the atmosphere of the air has changed. It is infused with the love of the Father, the understanding of his heart and the freedom that comes with realising that I am never truly alone in this world unless I choose to be.

I now look out to the year ahead and wonder what new lessons I will learn, what new experiences will be taught to me and who will I become. Because I am becoming, we all are, becoming the destiny He has seen fit to bless us with. Its up to me, to us, to decide whether we get on board that journey of truth because I can assure you that once you do, you'll never look back. Its a fight to the end and that light, that peace is only ever around the corner, its up to you to get to it.

Love Always.x

My Dad & I

 "You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights,each tear entered in Your ledger,each ache written in your book."(Psalm 56:8, MSG)

Its 2pm and I am unsure of what to do next. The remainder of the day stares at me mockingly, waiting for an answer to fill the void of my existence till I can close my eyes in the late evening hours. What to do?

I have been at the crisis unit this morning, feeling rather miserable I sulked off alone to read and then was given a reflexology treatment at the crisis house as they had free appointments on offer. Usually this would put me in a good  mood but today I just feel a sea of emptiness and my boat is lost somewhere whipping it up in the stormy waves. What I would give for Jesus to walk over to my boat and stop the storm........

I think the really frustrating part is that I have so many goals I want to achieve in life but honestly for all the lists I write, I never really seem to be making any actual progress. I flutter aimlessly from one hour to the next, not exactly making the most of the beauty of life that I have been given. I am well read and insightful enough to appreciate and honour the value of time, of life passing through my fingers but I am powerless to clutch on and make something of it. I am just a ball of frustration, waiting expectantly for an answer to come and save me from this never-ending maze of misery. The day stretches out before me, waiting to be filled with something exciting, productive or at the very least non sabotaging. My cravings for a spliff are stronger than ever, a desperate reach for some much needed peace which normal reality simply cannot offer. I imagine that I will spend the rest of the day stoned, trying to absorb slowly the gravity of the situation I yet again find myself in.

On the positive side, yes there really is one, my dad came over last night after I had my recovery meeting with my mum and the ladies from the recovery group. It was such a refreshing group as well, a chance to meet with other people who were also suffering the addiction disease and the love I felt in that room was intense. I told them about God saving me and they all showed an interest in coming to the next gathering, so I feel proud to be shepherding Gods lost sheep in the right direction. I think this is really going to be a beneficial weekly meeting for me and can only hope it aids my recovery. So, afterwards my dad came over mine with a lovely chicken dinner and we spent some real quality time together. I actually took my mums advice on board to listen more and I'm so glad I did. My dad is like a fountain of knowledge and after years of being so opinionated, I had forgotten just how wonderful his advice could be. He talked honestly and helpfully about my situation and what I could do to make progress and he gave me so much great advice to take forward over the following weeks. My heart burst with love and pride, I am so lucky God blessed me with a family as wonderful as mine. I am truly grateful beyond words, for this gift of immense love and support. It was a real quality bonding time and one I hope we can do more often.

So as for today, I am meeting with my weed dealer later this evening to stock up and aside from that I would like to get some exercise done and do some reading of the addiction book I borrowed from the recovery group. I guess the rest will just have to fall into place....

Love Always.x

In Crisis

 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. (Psalm 42:11)

I am in crisis. Yet again the walls of depression have seen it necessary to close in on my life and this time I have been powerless to stop its affects. For the first half of this week I was relocated from my flat to a crisis house at the local mental institution. I spent three nights attempting to work out where it had all gone wrong. I have now been allowed to leave and instead am back at the crisis unit during the days, which I was attending around October last year. So here I am again.....in crisis.....depressed.....suicidal.

Its hard to pinpoint exactly what it is in my life that has caused the last weeks upset to have happened and taken over my life so quickly. Yes the usage of cocaine I am sure has had an affect, if not on my mood then on my sheer unbelief that I can be so weak willed yet again. Also, I have come down from my several high weeks of mania into the usual pit of stinking thinking known as depression of my mind. I am now at my wits end, unsure of how if ever, I am going to make a recovery and attempt some sort of a life. It all seems so impossible now, the thoughts of me having a job, raising a family, staying out of the mental hospital. I am more than slightly dismayed that I am back to the place I was sure I was never going to enter again six months ago. But even I am not naive enough to register that this time I need serious intervention or death or its brutal sidekicks, self abuse and self sabotage, will wreak havoc on what is left of a fairly miserable existence.

I often wonder why I was born to feel things the way I do. Is it from birth or is it an accumulation of horrific memories from my past that keep me trapped in this coffin of no air and no freedom. I am unsure which came first so to speak, the chicken or the egg? I am also sure that my soiree into the world of drug addiction has not greatly helped the cause but I can no sooner eliminate that than I can the fact that no matter what reason, I sit here today at crisis point.

Tonight, in a bid to get as much help as possible I will be attending a women’s group in an effort to prevent me relapsing and as a place to seek refuge from the brutality of my everyday world and its evil thoughts. I am going with my mum and hope to find some much needed answers to the dilemma of attempting to outlive the devils plots to put an early end to my life. This time more than ever I feel the need to improve my mental health throbbing loudly in my head. I am unable to continue on like this, year after year, to-ing and fro-ing with my mental health like a crazy boomerang. This is not a life, it is a half life and somewhere out there I hold hope that I will come across a key that will finally end it all. I keep hoping the next book (my house could double as a library), the next therapist, the next group or whatever intervention will somehow unlock the happiness bubble in me and give me a chance to fly, genuinely, not as part of a manic episode. This is difficult. I am confused, hurt, broken.

My faith as always is there, but its difficult for me to even pray at the moment. Not because I do not believe God hears me but because I feel like a failure. I feel that I am not just failing me, but I am also failing my family, my friends, my Lord. I am embarrassed that I am here again, I am exhausted and at the point of running out of options. So meekly and with as much strength as I can muster, I utter the words I have said so many times before, " My Lord, please please help me. This time I really need help, and this time I'm really willing to listen. Amen." I'll let you know how the answer goes.

Love Always.x

The Love Of Family

Honor your father and mother so that you'll live a long time in the land that God, your God, is giving you. (Exodus 20:12)

 

 

Last night was a turning point in my world of addiction. Feeling sedated and spaced out off my new increased medication and craving cocaine, I went over to spend time with my mum in an attempt to feel better and stop the cravings in their tracks. Whilst my mum rallied herself together and we phoned doctors and my therapist to get some medical advice on my drowsiness, the need for cocaine kept getting bigger. So big in fact, that in between being comforted by my mum, I was sending text messages to my dealer to see if he could provide me with my much needed fix. All ok so far. Then when my mum asked who I’d been texting, I admitted what I had done and all manner of hell broke loose. My mum, understandably, was completely devastated. She had sat with me comforting me through my pain and I was still ridiculous enough to be trying to get hold of the very poison that was tearing my life apart. My mum then decided to firstly not let me leave her house, then when I finally stamped around enough she allowed me to go home on the condition that she went with me.

So there we were, my mum and I both crying, both desperate to end the addiction that has already swallowed up so much of my life. We talked, both being aware of the others feelings about what was happening and as we did a calm descended as we both began to understand the others point of view. The thing is, that talking to me when I am in addiction mode isn’t really like talking to me. Its like the real me disappears and in her place is an evil, selfish and impatient woman who will stop at nothing to get her much needed fix for the day. The battle between my mum and I caused my dad to drive fifty minutes down the motorway so he too could be there to help his daughter. My family, my beautiful family were not going to watch me fail, they loved me too much.
After much talking and the arrival of Nathan who also agreed to be stronger in denying me the drugs when I want them, I was ready for everyone to leave. We talked about the possibility of me going into hospital so I was safe not just from the drugs but from the depression which has once again taken residence in my mind. I know now that I am not strong enough to fight this battle on my own and am at the point where I am willing to do anything to get better. I cant live like this, this half life I have been living for as long as I can remember.

When my parents, after many tears left the house, I turned to my boyfriend and pleaded for him to get me drugs. This option is usually guaranteed to work but this time he was different, he had strength that I have never seen in him before and he told me in no uncertain terms that if the dealer came to our house he would leave me and phone my parents, so that put an end to that. In my misery I glared at him, took my night time medication and shortly afterwards, snuggled next to this wonderful man, I fell asleep.

Today I feel proud of the achievement we made as a couple and as a family yesterday. The life of an addict is a selfish one and affects everyone around you and I saw this in all its glory yesterday. My amazing family love me too much to watch this continue to destroy my life even though they understand that for me it is a quick route to happiness and escapism. More than anything they want me to find a way of living my life that reflects beauty and truth, not drugs and lies which they have to watch slowly kill their daughter. I am so fortunate to have a family and a boyfriend who love me as much as they do for without them, today I would be telling the same sad story of how I used too much and how my behaviour further got out of control. Today though, because of them, I have conquered another battle, climbed another hill, squashed another demon. Because of them I can look at myself today and instead of hating what I see, give the little girl inside me another opportunity to gain in confidence and maybe, just maybe, she'll stick around for a bit longer this time.

Love Always.x

Weekend Warrior

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." (Proverbs 23:18 NIV)

I am so frustrated with myself. Today has been another 'smoking day' and I am now tired, grouchy and spaced out. This however in comparison to my weekend, is a massive improvement. As I seem unable to be able to access any real control over my life, I yet again decided to use cocaine last weekend, both Friday and Saturday nights. Whilst doing it I become a person I detest, a self righteous, loud and uncontrollable idiot whose only delight is in getting further wasted. This ended as it so often does now with an almighty argument with my boyfriend in which I cried desperately for us to both stop living our lives like this and culminated in me smashing his £400 television set into smithereens. Not a good move, though surprisingly calming at the time. I am a ticking time bomb, just waiting to go off and cause real destruction. I can feel the claws of my addiction gripping so tightly, its a real surprise I can even breathe, let alone write about the subject.

My frustration is a mix of my seeming inability to listen to myself when I am in the right frame of mind. I know that I no longer want drugs in my life but give it a few days and the thought of escapism fills my mind again and I end up sat in the corner of the room sniffing unknown amounts of stuff up my nostrils. Not only am I clearly damaging my physical health, but my already bizarre mental health isn’t exactly being aided by this recent addiction either. I am caught between a rock and a hard place and I'm running out of ideas on what to do about it.

You would think that if I can make the decision that I no longer want to use cannabis or cocaine to get through my days, I would be able to at least attempt to stick to the decision. But this is where I fall short, I just cant seem to stop the ball once its started rolling, no matter how much destruction it is leaving in my trail. I have prayed over and over to be healed which brings me to the somewhat settling conclusion that this must be part of my healing process. I am not suggesting God has suggested the tools, but I believe He knows that I am strong enough to get through and conquer this so long as I remain focused on Him and His all consuming love. I really hope this can prove enough of a catalyst to start to make the necessary changes as my misery no longer knows no bounds. It is beginning to swell around me like a vicious cesspit of fear and disgust and I feel powerless to stop the effects of my current demise. I have to focus more on the face of my Lord and less on the face of my dealer. Easier said than done.

Somehow I will find a way through this, I have to, my mental health and life depend on it. I just need to find a way to reconnect again to the purposes God has for my life instead of the life I believe I should be living, which I can assure you doesn’t amount to much more than basic survival. As my mood darkens and depression sets in I can only hope that out of the darkness, I somehow find my way back to the light that got me free of this addiction before.

Love Always.x

Cannabis Day

 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. (Galatians 5:13)

I'm stoned. I have been for the past twelve hours, it seems easier to ignore the cocaine temptation if I am high on cannabis instead. Oh the mighty great mess I have made of my life could almost be accused of being amusing. Well, dear readers, I am epically failing at my opportunity to live a life free of chains to drugs. In all honesty I have been smoking weed pretty much every day since February, though I never usually write entries when stoned as I feel its disrespectful to God. However today I decided that if I was to be honest and show all areas of my life, then this seems quite a key one to keep under wraps. Its not as if he isn’t aware of what I am doing. So here it is: I am a pot head, a night-time one, although sometimes especially in the sun or if feeling particularly down I can be  partial to a spliff or two in the days as well. I resent the fact that I am hooked on it and resent even more the fact that I still seem to get so much pleasure out of it. Yes its escapism, no it isn’t in line with my faith but this is me and this is my life and that’s just what I do. All judgemental attitudes aside, I am also disappointed with myself for this massive great chain locking me to the part of my life I most love yet most want to be freed from.

The weekend went out with a mighty bang as they always do when I am using cocaine. This time I successfully managed to start smashing up my boyfriends house after a two day 'bender' and hurling abuse at his younger brother and friends. I then proceeded to have a breakdown where my sobs and swearwords joined in a rather pathetic whining of a petulant child. Not one of my proudest moments. Yet, no matter how hard I try, it is a moment and no amount of weed is going to change that. I  must therefore choose to leave the bin of embarrassment behind and attempt to patch together the mess I have managed to cause in my annoyingly predictable life. Here I am again, trying to stay off cocaine, using weed as a supplement, playing Sims endlessly to try and attempt some control over my circumstances. Sims has the added advantage that when I am bored of being one person I can switch to someone else, if only life were so simple.

I am not proud of the stage I am at in terms of addiction. But and this is a big but, I am proud of how far I have come elsewhere. Even in this state of semi awake stupor, I can realise that there are many internal changes that have prevented me from continuing the cocaine binge into today. I finished Sunday morning and have been clean since. That’s the longest time in three weeks. So there is some very beautiful towers of strength that God has built within these walls of my soul. The rest will come in time He assures me now, its patience that I need to work on and the rest will come as easily as the last small but lasting changes. I will continue to smoke weed for the foreseeable future, I am not yet in a place where I feel strong enough to remove it completely, but I will keep fighting right to the end. Always.

Love Always.x

Cocaine Is Back

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I am nothing if not annoyingly predictable. Oh yes, Mrs Faith and Happiness has decided to take a blast from the past in the form of a cocaine addiction and place it right in the path of my future. I am currently one month into the relapse and until my prayer session with Jane and Justin yesterday, had resided to the fact that I was unfortunately just one of those people who will never be freed from drugs. Why oh why have I decided to completely ruin everything yet again? You would think the memories of my last relapse would be enough to ensure I would never go back down that route again, but no, instead in my manic episode I decided to throw caution to the wind and embark on what has now become my mission for survival.

I have used approximately 9 times in the last month, 5 of which were achieved in a period of 7 days. So no I haven’t gone back into this lightly, I am yet again a fully fledged member of the drug club. This means I have disappointed my family and friends, worn out my boyfriend, disobeyed my Lord and generally ruined the small glimmer of hope I once saw as my future. Feel free to accuse me of being over dramatic but I cant explain in words how much of a major problem this is. I am not a do anything by half’s girl, I am THE committed to the cause, don’t stop till I drop, manic idiot that doesn’t like to accept no as an answer and refuses to cooperate with her boyfriends pleas of stopping 24 hours after the first line has been sniffed. Yes that’s me. Idiot woman.

This past month has been a wholly unwelcomed blast from my past. I have now been confronted with what used to be my previous life, nights of oblivion and days trying to piece together the fried out parts of my brain. Nights in terror as paranoia makes its unwelcome entrance and my thoughts turns to evil representations of what my life has in store for the future. I am gripped by all the too knowing pain of my existence and its fragility in surviving yet another relapse into this all absorbing addiction. Cocaine to me is the devils powder incarnate, a gripping tale of once upon a time where there is no magic wishes and no happy endings. All it does is steal and destroy, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Devil himself was a frequent user. In essence, there is no good that has come or can come from living a life in permanent denial of your reality. I can't cope under the urges of the addiction against the truth that is desperate to flow through me and into what was once an emerging life force.

Can I now stay off it? Turn up my nose (no pun intended) and walk away from the horror that it guarantees me. Sadly, only time can be the judge of that. Yes, it is a choice and the choice ultimately comes from me, but within that choice lies willpower and the belief that life is worth living without it and in my current frame of mind, this simply isn’t the case. I am back here in addicts lane again, waiting for a miracle to save me and to save me soon. This cant be my life, its seems cruel and unfair for me to have gone through so much healing to get back here again.

The only good thing that has come out of all this is my realisation that even in the darkest moments and they have been dark; God is still there fighting for my survival. As I lay my head on the pillow, room spinning, nose destroyed, God blessed me with an open heaven visitation clearer than any I have had before. He began to download revelations about life, the world and my position in it. He comforted me when paranoia and sleepless nights threatened to send me into a psychotic episode and he lulled me to sleep with his beautiful lullaby as kisses were planted on my head. I saw Jesus place a wing of feathers over me and another over my boyfriend and heard him say that it was by working together we could fly. The visitation lasted for several hours and when I questioned God as to why I could hear His voice clearer now than before, He simply replied that now I was ready and quiet enough to listen! I depended on Him for each and every thought, every answer, every help and comfort that I needed and he provided more than adequately. Now I am not going to recommend that to hear his voice you go and and punish drugs in the way I have, but it does seem worth remembering that sometimes we have to get to desperation to really be ready to hear His soothing and beautiful voice.

So its a tale of two lives yet again. The one I am living and the one I want to be. My mission now is to get back to where my Lord wants me, in his arms, in his care once again. So as I have done so many times before, all I can do is get down on my knees and pray, " Lord, please free me of this addiction and return me to your destiny for me once again. Amen." I know He will be listening.

Love Always.x

The Face Of Jesus

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16 )

I think its safe to say my manic episode of the past six weeks has officially left the building. In place of productivity and unknown but frequent spikes of happiness, I am welcomed back into the gloomy arms of depression. It seems happy to have me back. In the past six weeks I successfully managed to spend over £1000 (remember I do not have a job at present) and have been going here there and everywhere with an air of happiness and manic delight. This too has had its down points, aside from the obvious spending implications, I am much more difficult to deal with when manic. The positive side is that this time the episode lasted long enough for me to be able to really assess how different the swings in my mood really are and believe me when I tell you they are vast. I am now crawling back under the covers as I prepare to deal with the onslaught of vile attacks on my mind, productivity and general sense of well-being. I should be used to this by now, but it still saddens me every time I get that familiar feeling of falling off the edge of a large cliff into the life I will now be struggling to live over the following few weeks.

My faith has ensured my conversations to God are daily, even though it may just be to offer up my thanks for continuing to keep me alive even when I see no real use in this survival. I still sing and dance for Him in the privacy of my own home and I have decided to get back to reading some new books (over twenty that I ordered to be exact) about growing in my faith and connectivity with Him. Even in the manic state I was in I was still aware of His ever increasing presence in my life and the other night I experienced a truly beautiful moment when I allowed myself to focus on the face of Jesus. This was an unbelievable moment for me, a face that has been depicted by so many different artists appeared to me as completely different to those images I have ever seen before. His hair was darker, ruffled around His face, his nose a prominent feature but not nearly as enchanting as his gaze. Eyes that changed colour and intensity the longer I gazed at Him, made this a particularly breathless moment for me. He is beautiful, but even that word does him no justice. He is beyond our human understanding of beauty, its something you can only feel rather than describe. Since this night I see Him much more frequently, especially those deep eyes that stare into the very depths of my darkened soul. I am in love with this man with every ounce of my being and it delights me to revel in this fact.

My mental health aside, new lessons about life and love, faith and spirituality, are being revealed every day. The journey seems to have picked up a pace, though the lessons are more comprehensive for me to get my head around. I seem to be finding the charms of life that God has left me in different areas ranging from my mind, to anger, to other people and to the world. He is changing me truly from the inside out and this experience in itself justifies the born again theory in my mind. For I am being renewed daily and it is his wisdom and strength that allow this to be so. In summary, my God is still here, still watching and waiting and supporting me along the way. I'm still here to write another day and in the life I have led, that is achievement in itself!

Love Always.x

The Fruits Of My Journey

“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” ” (John 8:12 NIV)

Its coming up to nearly a year since I first started writing this, since I first starting walking the path of a life lived before God. I'm not going to do my big end of year speech yet as am hoping to print off the previous entries and read them to get some perspective on exactly what the last twelve months journey into the glory realm has really been like for me. Undoubtedly I have changed. This last year as well as being the year I awoke to the truth has also been the hardest year regarding my mental health and getting the right care provided for me to deal with it. I am now in the fortunate situation that means I now not only have a fantastic family (both natural and spiritual), but I also have a deep sense of faith and a highly able mental health team. So this year, in whatever way has made sufficient progress from the previous twenty five.

One thing I do want to talk about is the real me. The me that I had forgotten existed, who is now, albeit slowly, starting to come out from underneath my protective shell and is starting to embrace the world again. My inspiration and creativity levels are through the roof and for the first time in my life I am starting to figure out what Rebecca wants, instead of what I think the rest of the world wants from me. Things as simple as picking which food I like, what programme I watch, what beauty products I use and how I decorate my home. These were all alien to me before this last year as the real me was so far inside, that my purchases/choices/lifestyle was lived more for other peoples benefit than my own. Recognising I have my own unique personality and tastes has been a massive and welcomed surprise. Before, making any decision based on personal choice, even as simple as picking which clothes to buy, would be a major stressful period. It was often like dressing/feeding/entertaining a plastic doll. I was unsure of the true identity of the girl I was trying to be, so would flail around endlessly trying to connect the dots of my soul wherever I could. In the end, I guess I just gave up and that’s when the mother of all breakdowns came and saved, yes that’s right, saved my life.

Having the worst manic and depressive episodes of my bipolar disorder has meant that whether I liked it or not, things had to change. I could no longer  go on living as if I was invincible, snorting and downing whatever substances I came into contact with. My lack of love for myself also showed in my mismanagement of my finances, my unstable relationship with people/food/talking about myself. My oh so well practiced character of party girl who didn’t care for anything serious got tested and showed up for what it really was....... a protection against a world I was terrified to find myself living in. Its taken eleven months and a lot of new medication, many prayer sessions and a lot of crying to God, but I am getting there. For the first time in my life I feel like I have a foundation of truth on which to build. The rest of the journey will I imagine, continue to test everything that I thought I knew and find the ways of applying my real character to each fresh new challenge.

The biggest difference of all is that I am learning to be who I am meant to be in a world that screams at you to be anything but. I now have a real understanding that we are all interconnected and my actions will inevitably have a knock-on effect to other people. This thought alone, has been enough to make some much needed changes. All in all the journey has been the best bit, the learning, failing, relearning and accomplishing. Meeting so many new and amazing people, getting closer to my family and somehow out of extreme darkness and pain, finding a light that continues to shine even when I can't see it. Now that's progress!

Love Always.x

Deliverance From Evil

 "To open the blind eyes, to bring out the prisoners from the prison, and them that sit in darkness out of the prison house." (Isaiah 42:7 KJV)

Today I had my second deliverance. Similar to the first one I had just over a week ago with my two amazing spiritual family members. This time, I really felt like something huge has shifted within me. If I just explain a little...... a few weeks ago I text Justin (companyofburninghearts) and asked if he would mind praying for me as I was experiencing the usual effects of full blown depression and this time decided I would reach out for help. As you can see from my last entry, I was going through a particularly difficult time and knew that I needed some more assistance to beat the demons that are so insistent upon controlling my life. His response was to bring Jane (amazing woman and seer into the spiritual realm) and himself over my house and actually pray with me. Now, usually I wouldn't agree to something like this as I knew I would have to delve into areas of my past and parts of me that were wrapped up in fear and pain. But, I knew I was in good hands and decided to let this prayer session go ahead. What has happened over the last two sessions that they have been here has been nothing short of a miracle!

The first session we went back into my past to deal with issues that were still affecting me and we declared that the spirit of death and depression that was attached to me, would leave me alone. As both Jane and Justin prayed with me, my body began to twist and out of me, an unknown language began to hiss and yell. I was burning up and sweat was pouring from me as I felt the twisting of extreme resistance within me begin to lose its grip. I to this day have no idea what language or words I was speaking, nor do I completely understand what exactly happened to me. All I do know is, when they left I felt a sense of peace that has been absent for such a long time, I forgot I was even capable of reaching such a level of calm.

They both arrived again today to pray into more of the issues affecting my self image and my past. Today my vision into the spirit realm opened up and I began to sail away in a world that made complete sense to me. In the midst of them pulling out the demonic from within me, I was catapulted into a heavenly realm and I laughed as I saw Jesus holding me and  for the first time in my life saw a glimpse of the true deep love He has for me, His lost sheep. This time, my voice became hoarse and I almost barked at Jane and Justin as they spoke words of peace over my life. I had been involved in witchcraft when I was younger and this seemed to have had more of an effect on me than I had ever bargained for. My body again began to twist and I yelled out as I felt from within me, something being pulled out of my throat. My head shot backwards and all I could do was lie there as from within me, it felt God was uprooting a tree of evil that had kept me from growing, from speaking, from living, and He pulled it out of my mouth and threw it aside. This demon did not want to leave and I felt again the resistance to its moving as each lock it had chained me in was finally being undone. To be honest, I am very open minded, but even I was amazed at the way in which these demons were conquered. It was like being in an audition for the exorcist, only funny until you realise that they do actually exist and they were actively choking the life out of me. As I became freed from the chains of my past, lies, pain, hate and fear, it seemed like a massive weight had been taken from me and I relaxed into the seat of peace that Justin told me was mine in Jesus. They had seen in the spirit that this demon had stopped me being able to speak the truth over matters that were affecting me and instead had kept them hidden inside of me, rotting any sense of self or happiness, from the inside out. This time my heart, mind and voice became united as my freedom was reinstated.

I can't fully explain to you the feelings I have now concerning these deliverances. I am still somewhat in shock, still absorbing the beauty of the words Justin and Jane spoke over my life, of me being able to change the atmosphere with my words and me being strongly prophetic which is why the demons wanted me to be locked to them. The love of not just my Lord, but also my spiritual family continues to refresh and amaze me. I am finally walking in the path of peace and today is a new day for me. I have been released into life again. Now I just have to keep up the faith, look forwards and remember that above all, it is love from the Father, who will bring me back home again. Amen.

Love Always.x

My Faith Will See Me Through

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12 NIV)

The last few weeks have been a blur of anger, confusion, desperation and the plummeting feeling of deep depression that I have become so accustomed to over the years. The break up of my relationship with Nathan is still hanging on, barely, as we attempt to rekindle the flame of love that once burned so strongly between us. My inability to adapt to change has reared its predictable head again and I have been unable to function, both mentally and physically. I have felt the deep seated pain and fear cover me each morning as I wake, and no amount of thinking/smoking/t.v watching will ease its iron grip.

At times like this it would be easy for me to return to the life I once pretended to be living. Before opening Pandora’s Box and delving into the inner complexities of my mind. Before having to come to terms with the mental illness I have. Before when I used drugs and drink as a way of medicating myself enough to be able to deal with life. The promises of sedation, fun, carelessness, all the lovely attributes that come with a life of drug addiction and self destruction, are looming ever closer over my current life. Could I go back? Could I be the party animal again, lost in a sea of escapism, not allowing myself to feel the full force of my emotions? Well, fortunately not. I am no longer that girl and she is no longer me. The party scene no longer offers the same delights I once desperately sought. I don't want to disappear again, to lose sense of who I am and to turn my back on the journey I have started upon. No, I still choose faith, I still choose God and I still choose life. Barely, but I am still here.

Even my focus on God has been somewhat diluted over the past few weeks. I can not get my mind to concentrate on reading, neither can I find the enthusiasm or patience to listen to worship music or learn further insights from my many DVD's and online resources. No, all I have been able to muster up in the past few weeks is my ability to pray. I do this at all times of the day and this mainly consists of me talking to God and apologising for my apparent lack of focus. He does not make me feel that I have failed him, rather the opposite in fact. Whilst I am unable to function in this world, He gently reminds me that timing is of the essence and that these challenges are here to be overcome. They would not be here if I could not handle them and when I have finished speaking with Him, I am always then sweetly surprised to discover He has somehow let rivers of his loving kindness flow through my being and for a short while I am suspended in his sweetness. I wish I could stay in this atmosphere all day, but my mind is quick, vicious and impatient. It would rather think about things of the world than things of God. No matter how hard I attempt to return my focus to my faith, I am bombarded with the millions of worries that the world seems to provide.

Last night whilst praying I asked God if I was like the seed that fell amongst the thorns. That I had let the world become my focus and could not keep onto my faith. I assured him I wanted to be the seed that continued to grow with love and passion for Him and asked Him to invade my heart with deep passion for only Him once again. I know I am prepared to lay down my life for Jesus but in all honesty its not as easy as it sounds. We live in this world, and my brain functions in a way that over analyses everything. Meaning the simplest things can cause me great confusion and lead me off on a wayward path. I am going to put this down to experience, whatever destiny God has planned for me must be making use of these seemingly never ending potholes of distress. I have never once considered however, completely removing God from my life. People may say how if I have Him and am still unhappy then what is the point. But, I am wise enough to know, that when there is light, joy, love, He is behind it all. He allows me to continue to make mistakes and learn, to get back up when I feel I have nothing else to offer and above all He loves me in a way that is near impossible to describe. It is like the love of my family but beyond that, it is a love sprinkled with a deep understanding of who I really am and its been the key factor in helping me to continue on this journey of self discovery.

I am often worried I am disappointing Him, but when I pray if He feels this is so, He certainly doesn’t let on to me. Instead I am welcomed back, kissed on the head and comforted as I cry out searching for answers that I know He is leading me to find. I have never doubted since God first came into my life, His power to completely transform me but I also didn’t know that the road would be paved with so much of my souls darkness, waiting for a light to be shone on it. I would never have made it this far had He not found me when He did and I also will not make it any further if I lose that truth amongst the worries of the world. I still want to live from heaven downwards, to be part of the realm of truth and to be proud to let my light shine for all to see. We are not there yet, the depression is resisting my attempts at renewal, but I will not be beat. I know God sees me for me and He loves me just as I am. Just because I can't yet see the beauty he assures me is mine, does not mean it does not exist. I trust him with my life and that’s why, even though the road is getting rockier again, and another tunnel downwards beckons me to come in, I arise and shine each day, for even though I do not see it yet, I am doing exactly what the One who created me intended for me to do. That’s where my strength is and that is where my life is. Not in the riddles and games of the world we live in, but in the truth and light of his love and my soul. I will never stop searching and I know He will always ensure that when the time is right, I will be found.

Love Always.x

Finding Me Again

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
(Psalm 34:18 NASB)

I wonder where I can really begin to describe the last few weeks of my life. I only wish I had had the determination to come on here and record it as events were happening, but life seemed almost too much to even think about, never mind penning into words. I guess you could say I have been experiencing breakthroughs that I have been waiting for so many years to finally happen. My mental health team put this down not only to my continuing sessions with them but also to the fact that my faith seems to be helping me immensely. I know this, I know that the true reason I am finally starting to find out who the real me is, is because God has been working miracles in both my mind and my spirit. He has carefully selected his timing, the people, the events that have caused April to be the most memorable month yet.

One of the first signs of a real change came to me as I viewed pictures of me as a little girl whilst preparing a scrapbook album with my sister for my Dads 50th birthday. As I looked at this young, free, smiling, innocent girl, I felt my heart call out and remember who she was, who she still is. I have viewed these photos many times over the years but have never been able to connect or even recognise the girl in the pictures. Now I saw her as if for the first time, as if I'd stumbled across a mineshaft and shone a torch down to find a little girl with my own reflection staring back at me, pleading to be freed. To be given a chance to live, to follow a path that is based on her happiness, not on the approval of others and who desperately wanted me to trust that she was more than able to deal with life and in fact was now connected to me, in a way that is too beautiful yet painful to explain. For so many years, I hid her behind a wall of masks, abuse, addiction, obsession and anything else I could. I thought all those years ago that by hiding her, I was somehow able to protect her, not have her feel the real true extent of the pain the outside world offered and the inner world that turned into torment and disgust. But in doing so, that little girl never had a chance to find her voice, to believe in her dreams and go for them, to know when to leave and when to stay in relationships with friends and partners. For years she had been knocking on the door of my heart and I used every method I could to drown out the cries that bellowed from within me. I couldn’t remember her, its almost like after approximately 6 or 7, I disappeared altogether and the girl I thought I needed to be came out and never left. This time though, now I recognise her, I remember her hopes to help people she loved, her passion for reading, writing, travel and nature. In one flash I had become reunited with the real me and to this day, I have not once heard her quieten down and return to her hiding hole. Her and I, Me and her, us, we are one again and all because God refused to let me continue on the path that was not my true destiny. Glory to God!

Since then, my real voice has been a welcome but strange new sensation to be living with. I am beginning to see the truth in all around me as well as within me. I am learning not all thoughts are truth and that many of mine have been anything but that. I am slowly re-emerging as the woman God intended me to be, before all the pain and the need for escape was allowed to enter my life. Its almost like he kept me preserved, knowing that one day I would be ready to come out of the closet of safety and back into the outstretched arms of His love and His world once again. He has now released me to be who I truly am meant to be and the journey of faith has once again changed my life beyond recognition. It is nothing short of a miracle, His ability to let me find myself again and this time to have the confidence and support to not hide her away. Oh, how the lover of the Lord is benefited with great and ever generous blessings.

With the real me back in the picture, I have started to notice areas of my life and habits I have that are no longer as bearable as they were before my inner awakening began. The relationship I was in has now ended, though we are still attempting contact and dates as a way to assess if the trust he completely destroyed, can now be rebuilt and the passion I had for our future can be rekindled. I remain open minded but it scares me that for the first time in my life I can actually hear my voice and it seems to be violently screaming no, whenever I think about whether I wish to return as his girlfriend. Out of respect for him I will not go into the gory details of our relationship except to say that he is a compulsive liar and has spent the last two years telling me exactly what I wanted to hear, only to then never follow through on any of it. He is still addicted to cocaine and has continued to use the drug and deal it from my house, even when I have begged him not to. He has on several occasions waited for me to go to bed so he can sniff to his hearts delight whilst watching pornographic material either in bed next to me as I slept or on the computer or TV in the lounge. This I assure you is just the tip of the iceberg. I am in no doubt that I love this man and that he loves me, but have I been happy with the life we have been living together.......no. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep, frustrated and confused as to how someone who is meant to love you can continue to lie to you with no apparent remorse. The break up was the single bravest thing I have ever attempted as I have a massively huge fear of abandonment that has ensured I have stayed in friendships and relationships that have been detrimental and often abusive, just so that I do not have to be alone or hurt the other persons feelings. This is the biggest factor for me and is the reason I am offering my current ex partner the opportunity to see if we can still have a future together. His begging, crying and pleading to live a new life have worked successfully in ensuring I would wander back and give him a glimmer of hope. In my heart, I am almost sure that out basic morals, interests and passions are at opposite ends of the scales, but I will wait and truthfully, with Gods guidance, assess what the best decision is for both him and I. Of course, I will keep you updated on this.

To finish off a life changing month, I attended Spirit School last Saturday to reconnect with my Christian family and to feel the beauty of Gods heavy presence. I was not disappointed. After less than half an hour I was so shaken by the power of His almighty love, that I collapsed on the floor and released tears that had been pent up in my soul for many years. The light of his love enveloped me and He gave me visions as I trembled under his mighty touch. I saw Jesus as a transparent blueish white figure stand in front of my body and then he stepped within me. His arm became mine as did the rest of his body and I heard God say 'I am You'. I then saw rivers of flowing water cascade off my arms and legs and then for the remaining service I stayed locked in the eyes of my Beloved, his hand on my one cheek and my hand on his. His eyes blazed with love and I was transported completely to the safe dwelling place within which he restored my aching heart. Justin then ministered a truly breathtaking and spirit impacting speech that supercharged my spirit and cut free bondages within the spirit world that I wasn’t even aware existed. I felt reborn, afresh, anew.

God had rescued me all those years ago, in His Kingdom I played with the angels and the me here on earth led a life that required no real sense of self so I was able to flit from one addiction to another, painful situation to abusive situation, meanwhile crushing the spirit out of me. But God, he had already saved me. He was just waiting for me to shine that light again, so I could come home. I just had to remember and now I have, I know I'll live my life in a way that reflects the truth of my creation, of my calling, of my destiny.

Love Always.x

Breaking Addictions

 “I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:1-2 NIV)

Today I felt the suffocation of my addiction and depression meet with an almighty bang. By justifying my addiction to cannabis I am creating a vicious circle of slow tired days that eat into my fullness and loving relationship with God. Not just that, but it keeps me from spending time learning to break free from the lies that Satan has been feeding me for as long as I can remember. Today something in my spirit snapped and I felt the connection between God and I increase in blessing. He will not leave me behind.

After spending most of the day in bed, my mum alerted me to the fact that possibly my tool for escapism (cannabis) was now keeping me from really living. It is a thought that I also had, a truth that I also tried to run from but which I have to now, yet again, face up to. Whatever I am using, be it cocaine, cannabis, binge eating or anger to get me away from me, aligns me into the enemy's ranks and chosen purposes for my life. Instead of believing in my freedom, my life has become a mission just to survive. I have forgotten about the promises God has given me or the love He showers on me when I am lost. I have been using the cannabis as an excuse to not participate fully in my life, so it should be no surprise that I feel I am not living a life that is true to me. I can't be living with sin and partnering with God. The difference between the two lifestyles is enormous and its like always living a lie.

After the conversation with my mum, instead of staying planted to the sofa watching chat shows, I went onto xpmedia.com to get some encouragement for my walk of faith. Two hours later and I feel a certain shift has taken place within my spirit. I have listened to Patricia King minister directly to my heart on walking away from addiction and the people who keep me in it. I then listened to her talk of marriage as I felt that the person who keeps me connected to the past I am trying to run from, is the very man I happen to be in love with. This is not an area I want to talk about now, its too painful and confusing to think, never mind write, that all I can do is offer it up to God and let his will be done. I then listened to clips from various speakers on trauma from childhood and how the enemy can infiltrate us at this point to feed us with lies that act as a way of making us feel worthless whenever we are faced with a similar or threatening situation. It talked about the importance of our true identity in Christ and for the first time in weeks, I cried, really cried as I felt the Lord pour his loving ointment on the many scars that I have been harbouring over the years.

I realise now more than ever that to go after my life in Christ, I have to be willing to lay down the life that I know. The life, for which the most part, has kept me from growing past my feelings of worthlessness. The first step has been made today, but the steps that follow will not be so easy. Just knowing that you are living a life that makes you miserable and actually having the strength and determination to change it are two different things. I run to what comforts me, even though it sabotages my life and those around me. For some reason I stay in the pit that destroys me, rather than focusing on the light and love that has rediscovered me and is trying to bring me back home. A seed of hope was planted today and now I will no longer just sit back and will it to grow, I will step out in faith and ensure it blooms.

Finally, the Lord directed me to a verse today as I cried out in pain to Him. He spoke to me and I have listened:

1 Peter 2:4-12 (NIV)

As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him—you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. For in Scripture it says:
   
“See, I lay a stone in Zion,
   a chosen and precious cornerstone,
and the one who trusts in him
   will never be put to shame.”
 Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe,
   “The stone the builders rejected
   has become the cornerstone,”
 and,
   “A stone that causes people to stumble
   and a rock that makes them fall.”
   They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.

 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us. "

Love Always.x

Focus On God Not The Enemy

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12 NIV)

Firstly for some good news (seriously): I have lost 7lb via Weight Watchers in the last two weeks! Finally a shift in the right direction. This is a great motivation for me to continue on and has finally provided an area where the enemy is no longer free to wreak havoc and abuse. My relationship with food has ranged from bulimia to more recently the constant binging but without the sickness. Although I love food, as with most things in my life, I have managed to also use this as a weapon of self sabotage and in recent years have relied on the weekends of drug taking to keep me at an easy slim and desirable weight. However, without the regular break from stuffing myself with food, to filling myself with cocaine, my food abuse spiralled out of control. Finally, I am clawing back some of the control myself and I couldn't be happier!

As for the last week, the story is not so beautiful. The enemy has continued to attack me and I spent another three days in bed, wishing the world would leave me alone. My inability to complete the most basic of tasks, requiring the smallest levels of self discipline have passed me by and my growing frustration is in no way helping my idea to reduce my cannabis intake. The Devil has me right where he wants me, confused, tired and convinced I will not get any better any time soon. Even my several therapists, last week have told me that although I am one of the most self aware and insightful patients they have, I am extremely hard on myself and seem automatically wired to self sabotage. At least its not just me that has picked up on this lack of ability to move forward in my life.

Its a real disappointment that last week was so miserable as Tuesday night I went to a prayer gathering with my spiritual family and felt God work his loving tenderness into my heart again. I talked openly about my struggle with life and my beautiful family prayed for both my boyfriend and I and offered massive words of help and encouragement. Justin prophesied over me about him seeing me having a house of healing, which was like music to my ears as he spoke out the secret desires of my heart and visions with God. I left feeling lighter, brighter and ready to face the enemy. Then as Wednesday morning came, I refused to cooperate with the sunshine’s attempts to get me out of bed. Instead I chose to stay rotting in my own filth, battling with the thoughts that seemed to constantly invade my mind. I finally found the strength to continue reading 'Dancing with Destiny' and allowed myself to remember that the enemy was at work behind all this. If I am well, I am a threat to the kingdom of darkness. If I remain depressed, addicted and unable to motivate myself to grow, then I will never move in the glorious destiny God has promised me and that is what has pushed me to pray harder and longer with the Lord.

Its my habit to speak with God when driving as I feel there are no other distractions (aside from other traffic) to keep me focused on Him. As the weekend approached and the lack of movement outside of my own four walls remained, I began praying more throughout the day. Prayers of thanks and blessing, of requests for strength and motivation and culminating yesterday in me singing at the top of my lungs a song which I made up as I went along, about my intense love for the Father. I also used Patricia Kings 'Decree' booklet in the last two days, along with worship music and faith DVD's when in bed, to drown out the bitter comments that the enemy insists on throwing me. He may refuse to leave, but I will do all in my power to replace the continuous negative commentary on my life, with decrees and lessons about the truth. As God keeps reminding me, the Devil is the Father of lies and has taken up residence within my mind, but it is up to me if I allow him to stay.

I wish I could say this journey is getting easier, that I feel the noose of fear and frustration loosen from around my neck. But this is far from the truth. With each step forward the enemy fights back and threatens to destroy me completely once and for all. But, I do get back up and every time I do I sing my praises to the Lord. The truth is not always easy and it certainly isn't comfortable at first, as with any worthwhile change. However, no matter how dark my days may be, all I need to do when feeling like death is the only way to alleviate my inner pain, is turn to God, unload my mind and offer my thanks. It has not failed to work yet. He is always willing me on, filling me with hope and strength from his eternal spring and keeping me focused, no matter how weak, on the beauty of the life he has blessed me with. There is never a moment where I consider leaving this way of life, this journey, this uncovering of the truth. So the enemy may continue to water the weeds of doubt and fear in me, but the Lord is planting seeds, that as He slowly waters, will spring up in time to reveal the true Rebecca, his dear child in whom a beautiful garden is being grown. Its the seeds that he sows, that keeps me alive. Glory to God.

Love Always.x

He Heard My Call

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." (Psalm 71:20-21 NIV)

 As soon as I finished writing my entry last night, I immediately sensed the lifting of a burden from within me. Pouring my heart out to God never returns void, and where darkness was ruling, He sent His love to penetrate through the many walls I have continued to build. I noticed myself singing as I drove in my car and it took me a while to realise that the pent up feeling of pain and frustration had been temporarily relieved. My God heard my call and He came to comfort me. I lapped up the love like a young child and realised the importance of my continuing to follow His plans for me. He really does care, He really does listen and He really can help. "Thank you Father, for finding me in my misery and shining your all consuming love into the darker recesses of my tormented mind."

Today I was back to feeling the same hopelessness and frustration as I usually feel in the morning. My mornings are always greeted by the promise of a new start, but then immediately quietened as my resistance to actually get out of my pit and engage in the real world is nothing short of a major battle. I will myself to move from the comfort of my covers, staring down at yet another list of 'ideal day' items I would like to accomplish over the next twelve or so hours. This sadly, does not work to motivate me. Instead, I close my eyes and pretend to vanish, disturbed sleep and crazy thoughts capture my every attempt to break free from the bed and it was 10:40am before I had finally bullied myself enough to get up and face the day. Since then, things haven’t actually been that bad. I got on with it and did thirty minutes exercise, tidied the house, hung out the washing, had a shower and shaved (an activity that rarely surfaces) and had a really intense meeting with my occupational therapist. Today I have worked meticulously through my list and as the time approaches 7pm, I feel I have achieved more today than I did in the whole of last week. Where no strength resided, the Lord has filled me back up.

I am by no means healed, my constant demands of perfection for every area of my life, my crippling paranoia about what people think of me and my inability to feel genuine positivity about seemingly any area of my life, are still with me today. But instead of drowning in those thoughts and realisations, I got up, dusted myself off and fought the enemy of procrastination and self sabotage to actually achieve some goals. I have also started reading Jill Austin's book 'Dancing With Destiny' which so far has been an inspirational insight into my relationship with the Lord and how I can pursue it further into the full realisation of my destined life in Christ. Whilst I may be feeling far from the Lord because of my depression/addiction/isolation, my spirit still refuses to be stopped. The spirit side of me knows that there is a life that I can be living where I don't feel trapped in a prison of my own making. Last night I believe my spirit was truly touched by God, because today I felt that small glimmer of hope for my future creep back in.

I have chosen to try and write on here more as I recognise that my mind is afflicted every minute of the day and without letting out some of the emotions, they stay within attacking all opportunities to grow and keeping me far from my ability to have a future. I want God to see that I am trying and that I am willing and wanting to follow Him home, no matter how hard that journey may be. With each corner there are new lessons to learn, more weapons to use and harder challenges to face, but the relief and love I felt last night as I cried to Him for help, reminded me that this is worth fighting my life for. I have chosen this path and the Devil, no matter how many times and ways he tries, will not succeed at taking my life. I am a child of God and I am loved more than I could ever imagine. Just because I don't always feel it, doesn’t mean it isn't so and that’s what He tells me all the time. It's just up to me, to make sure I continue to believe Him.

Love Always.x

Please Save Me Lord

 "Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him." (1 Chronicles 16:11 NLT)

I am swimming around in the all too familiar sea of depression yet again. I feel like I have been swallowed up by the darkness within me and the fact that I am still breathing is either a miracle or a cruel trick. I do not want to participate in life today. I thought I started the week off relatively well; wrote on here, started Weight Watchers, attended my drug and alcohol counselling. But as the week has gone on, no matter how many spliffs I smoke, sedatives I take or sunshine I sit it, I can not rid myself of the feeling that I am drowning in a sea of bitter pain and overwhelming frustration. Added to this, I seem to feel ill all the time. I am tired, irritable, lacking hope and worst of all I feel I am moving away from the closeness of God. I feel like I do not deserve His love, His patience, His support, when I am still unsuccessfully trying to sedate myself from the world around me and haven't attended a prayer gathering/worship night in weeks. Slowly but surely, I can feel myself slipping back into the shell from whence I came and this time, I worry, I haven’t got the energy to crawl out again. Why, why why does my mind seem to hate me so much? I feel completely out of control, my emotions and feelings whirring around with no sense of any stability or optimism.

I am aware that many people who read this may assume that this life of mine is only made worse by the fact that I am still continuing to use cannabis as a form of coping. However, although I am wise enough to accept that there are side affects which can also cause depression, I am past the starting point when it comes to full blown hate for myself. The cannabis at the moment, is the only part of my day where I am able to feel a short sense of relief, a break from the continuous onslaught on terror of my mind. I am so lost at the moment, I cry out to the Lord pleading for answers, for help, for motivation to change what is making me miserable and to accept the things that I have no control over. I apologise every day for being a sinner, but this feels empty as I continue to then smoke/swear/spend and isolate myself from my spiritual family. I feel I am failing Him and this belief, rather than encourage me to go to more  prayer gatherings and to seek help from those in my spiritual family, is making me retreat more into the depths of my seemingly bleak existence. Happiness is an emotion that seems so short lived and superficial for me recently, that I wonder if I have exhausted the capacity to feel joy at all. I am in a hole yet again and can almost hear the Devils applause at yet another day he has won me back into his arms again, desperately seeking an outlet for my pain.

I am trying to assess where it has all gone so horribly wrong again. My medication has been increased so by rights, I should be as happy and manic as a child who's just scoffed an entire bag of Haribos and is let loose in a toy store. This sadly is not the case. My boyfriend has even been home as He has a couple of weeks off work, but rather than making me happy, this has unsettled me further. Having someone else around me all the time, in my close surroundings, in the comfort of my own little cave, I become a psychotic control freak, barking orders at him and refusing to be enthusiastic about his attempts at 'getting me out the house.' I am the evil girlfriend, who screams, cries and insults him. Subconsciously I seem to be working my hardest at pushing the only man who has ever had enough patience to stay, further and further away from me. Whilst he's here, I feel even more useless and out of control, as if my space is invaded and acutely aware that his/my assumed expectations of me, are far to high for me to ever possibly meet. These expectations merely being the willingness to engage in activities that don't sedate me, a smile rather than a frown as he wakes every morning and just someone who doesn’t fail so expertly at keeping the house tidy, maintaining an acceptable level of personal hygiene and beauty and generally my continuing to be the most fickle minded, useless creature he could have ever ended up with.

I am unsure of where to go from here. Tomorrow is a new day, a new week, another fresh opportunity to live a life consistent with my God destiny rather than fuelled by the enemies lies and attacks on my soul. Will I be strong enough to wake up and face it head on? Can I learn to lean on God more, to really let Him in, to really trust His voice and the words of hope He has spoken through others over my life? Can I learn to control my obsessive nature, my controlling spirit, my addictive pursuits and my continuous ever evolving methods of self sabotage? “God I really need you to help me. I pray Father, that you will guide me into the destiny you have created me for and that I have the insight to remain strong and true, no matter what the circumstances in my outside world and my afflicted mind. Teach me to recognise and follow your voice Lord, for I am struggling and I call to you for help. Please save me from myself. Thank you Lord. Amen.”

Love Always.x

Base Camp Believer

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." (Ephesians 4:22-24 NIV)

Life for me is anything but predictable. The last few weeks have been a mix of highs, mid lows and extreme depression. My desire to change my life is sadly not matched by my ability to make it happen. Willpower is something I seem to have very little of and the reality of this situation has really hit home in the last few weeks. The annoying thing is, I want to get better. I want to live a beautiful life before God, loving my neighbours and also loving myself. I want to feel a sense of belonging, a purpose, a reason to live. I want to treat my body as a temple and nourish it with good food and regular exercise. I also want to learn how to use my over analytical brain and obsession with personal growth and understanding, to be used in a positive way, rather than as a cruel tool to taunt my lack of ability to fulfil any of the above desires. They also, sadly, do not stop there. Since my teens I have made a habit of daily compiling lists, some for immediate needs for that day such as cleansing my skin, hoovering, appointments etc., to the more elaborate and some what larger, life wants/desires list. I still do them to this day and sadly a lot of the 'life' things I want to achieve are as basic as eat healthy, exercise, stop self abuse, but yet I find myself unable to do them. The last two weeks all of my hopes and my fears of failing at this life have come to disturb me and several of my days have been spent camping out under the duvet for fear of facing another non productive day.

I am lost again and this is no uncommon ground for me. In fact, the land of the lost seems to be where I have spent much of my life, but this times its suffocating me. I don't want to be lost anymore, God found me down here ruining my life and He saved me, but there’s only so much He can do if I am unwilling to offer myself fully to Him. The problem I have you see, is that I find real, actual life too difficult to embrace. So in the past I have created characters to allow myself to fit in to what I believed school/work/society needed me to be and whoever the real me was, was slowly but surely pushed into the darker recesses of my mind. I spend most of my life living in my head, not experiencing the reality, as if this sobriety to life would actually damage me more than I already feel I am. When not writing lists or reading books aloud, I am faced with the option to deal with life head on, to get out there and achieve something, to come closer to God, to improve my health, to live fully. But this terrifies me. Instead I reach for the nearest form of sedation, be it alcohol, prescribed sedatives, drugs and marathon TV watching. All activities that allow me to step outside of the world I am in and somehow not feel the full impact of what is going on in and around me. This is life as I know it and it has to stop.

Since the major melt down last year, I have found faith in God and I also have been given a lot of help and support from my mental health team. Not only do I have the most high Father, but I also have psychiatrists, councillors, occupational therapists, psychiatric nurses and attend self help groups to deal with my anxiety and depression. No one can say I am not getting enough support. I am forever talking about my feelings, coming to terms with my habits, my ways of thinking and my self sabotaging behaviours. This is no easy journey let me tell you. The more I uncover, the harder the climb to happiness and peace seems, so I run back to the safety of a sedated life and try to forget about the mountain that looms ever closer before me. I am still at base camp and I recognise in myself the desperation to cut off the chains that are keeping me here. I can assure you, this is not through lack of trying. I am always optimistic about the start of a journey, but after the first step has been taken, I retreat back into my shell, unfamiliar with the prospect of actually freeing myself from the life that keeps me back from really living. Its not only exhausting, but the more I fail at achieving the freedom I want, the more I can remind myself of how useless I really am. Its being trapped in a web of my own making and this you may think, would mean that I know the key to get out of here, but I don't. If I did, I sure as hell would have been using it.

I am ready for my life to begin. I want to really live, really experience life, not feel the need to escape and sedate at the mere sniff of reality. I need to break out of the smoking weed cycle I have somehow fell back into, a cushion for life that hangs over my every evening, sapping me of both motivation and hope. I need to challenge the belief that I am nothing and never will be and turn my focus back to God, who has shown me a new way of life that can be mine. The ups and downs as they have been recorded along this journey seem cruel and unfair at times, but they are me, they are my life. I almost wanted to stop writing on here for fear that whoever reads it may believe I am merely rewriting the same story over and over again, but I want to be honest and show that although I may not be there yet, I am at least learning along the way. That’s the beautiful thing about all this. Even though I seem stuck in a year long rut of depression and self sabotage, I am growing. Not albeit at the pace I would like, but there is growth none the less. I am not the same girl who started writing on here and the recognition of that fact is what will keep me getting up in the morning and trying with all my might to face another day. I am desperately seeking freedom, willpower and above all; faith. Not just faith in God, which is growing by the day, but faith in me, in who I am, in what I can do and be. Without faith, we are merely spectators in this vacuum of time, watching as life passes us by, unable to feel any real emotions except the ones created by your minds view on who you are. I may not be there yet, I may still be down here at base camp, but I am not giving up. I am putting a smile on my face and offering myself again as a living sacrifice to the Lord and someday soon, I know He'll help me get the courage I need to face my future and live it. Really live it.

Love Always.x

Boyfriend Joins In

 “The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.” (Proverbs 4:18 NIV)

Last week was a bit of a manic week for me. This was first recognised by my occupational therapist who seemed alarmed at the sudden change in my mood and asked me to monitor myself as it seemed I was on a high. This did continue for the rest of the week and I smoothly sailed through an hour of exercise each weekday and chatted continuously to anyone who would listen. As my disorder has meant I have been low for such a long time, in all honesty, I welcomed the sharp shift in my mental state and buzzed my way around the place feeling a surge of happiness and euphoria. Sadly this ended on Sunday, when my mood took a nosedive and has continued to delve lower ever since. It always seems that when I go up, I really am thrown back down into the depths again. Yesterday I could feel the suffocating self hate and paranoia welling up inside of me, so I prayed harder and harder for Gods help to battle this never ending illness in my mind. Impatient as always, I found my escape in a spliff and several sedatives. No, not productive, but it did give the desired affect. I was able to slow down the attacks on my mind and allow my focus to drift towards the television. Today however, I am fighting back. I ensured I went to see my sister this morning and since then have done an exercise DVD, made a healthy lunch and hoovered and mopped my floors. I know that the pattern of smoking will continue this evening, till I run out of my allocated amount, but at least the day will have been relatively useful. I have also, as I was doing last week, continued to read the Message version of the Bible and am now up to Romans, which I am still loving. So, ups and downs, but I have refused to let this life-slide ruin the rest of the week.

One extreme positive from last week, was attending 'Encounter Night' with my spirit family and with my very dubious and non believing boyfriend. Its a night of music and worship and I thought this would be the best way to ease him in gently to the lifestyle I  have been choosing to live. I couldn't be happier about how the evening went. As the music started he told me how he felt butterflies and nearer the end he felt he wanted to cry! He asked a lot of questions about faith and seemed to be genuinely pleasantly surprised at how good the evening was. In all honesty, he was a different man from the man I entered with and told me He felt like this was a lifeline for him, something good that could come out of his life. He declared he was ready to be open to God and would like to attend more events and most of all he loved the people, how friendly and happy they all were. I am still in shock at this surprise turn of events. I had been so scared I was losing my relationship because we were in such different places, it seemed our paths had veered too far away from each other to ever meet up again. But that night, his reaction and my genuine belief that God has already started great works in Him, have given me back the man and relationship that I love with all my heart. Glory to God.

When we went home that night, although I was already fairly manic last week, my time spent with God in the encounter night for the first time ever, gave me the actual feeling that I had taken illegal drugs and I was higher than high. I surged with waves of passion and love for my Father in heaven and I literally floated around the house, dancing along to the music of heaven playing softly in my spirit. I felt more alive in that couple of hours than I have felt for months, maybe even years. I got high off the most high and I loved it! God surprised me yet again with the intensity of emotions I could feel for life and for Him. I know too that there will be many more of these experiences to come and I await them with eager anticipation. But I also know, that even when the going gets tough as it is right now, He is still there filling me with his love, encouraging me and fixing me, from the inside out. Each day, I learn to take off the masks, deal with the pain and continue the greatest journey of my life. There's no question of looking back.

Love Always.x